Happy Hostage Thanksgiving

Here it is, the big day. Food, family, fellowship, football, flatulence, fellatio if you’re lucky (hopefully not with your cousin you sicko). Tell your mom that I said “Hello”. We made our turkey this past Sunday since we’re traveling today for dinner at the in-laws. The leftovers have been mostly eaten and the excess frozen to avoid getting the turkey trots.

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Carin ought to wear these under her skort for the next turkey trot

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That picture with the Pilgrims and turkey runners reminds me of my youth when we would dress up as Pilgrims and Indians and sit around the table eying each other nervously. One year Uncle Bubba blasted a neighbor with his musket when he showed up unexpectedly dressed as a hostile tribe member.

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MMM 296: Picking up sticks

As we prepare for winter here, I’m trying to prune back and tidy up as much of the landscape as I can.  I’ve still got those two big pine trunks (dead and fallen 3 years ago now) laying in a nearly-dry pond.  My hope is to surround them with enough fuel to burn them down almost completely in place, because they’re too heavy to move without cutting them down to logs or chaining them to my truck.  They are a little over a foot in diameter at the base, and I can’t get them positioned well for bucking with the chainsaw, so I’ve had to resort to using my axe.  Excellent workout, but tough on the hands.  And before someone says “gloves”, that’s a great way to lose your grip on an axe, at least if you’re me and almost no glove fits as the word would imply.  Anyhow, now it’s supposed to rain most of the week, so it may not even be dry enough again to light up until November.  Yay.

Use a spotter.

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HHD – Monkey Style

So – it’s an honor to be allowed to fill in for teh Rocket Chick; i’ll try not to fail to launch this bitch in an appropriate manner (one that your mom would like).

I went the extra mile and commissioned a song to be written specifically for this poat – leon’s pricing was a bit high but he promised that he wouldn’t eat too many ‘shrooms whilst composing this amazing journey of musical  majesty –

What do you think?

Enjoy:

 

now onward to the hunky humps that the hostagettes and jewstin have been waiting for:

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Baby Watch

T-minus three months until total loss of sleep, life, and mind. I’m counting on all of you hostage aunts, uncles, and somewhere in between, to keep me honest and give me tons of advice on how to raise a baby. Every new parent loves to hear about what they’re doing wrong and how its going to permanently scar their child!

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Holding Poat – Bad Trip part ducks

that’s french you ignant bastards –

bad trip

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Happy Palindrome Week!

Yes, it’s that week where the dates are the same going backwards as forwards. And the week where we are ever mindful of not exposing our lessers to cultural conundrums a la David Brooks (famous NYS writer).

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David Brooks is the Sandwich Artist of Virtue Signaling

From the NYTimes, so don’t click.

Recently I took a friend with only a high school degree to lunch. Insensitively, I led her into a gourmet sandwich shop. Suddenly I saw her face freeze up as she was confronted with sandwiches named “Padrino” and “Pomodoro” and ingredients like soppressata, capicollo and a striata baguette. I quickly asked her if she wanted to go somewhere else and she anxiously nodded yes and we ate Mexican.

American upper-middle-class culture (where the opportunities are) is now laced with cultural signifiers that are completely illegible unless you happen to have grown up in this class. They play on the normal human fear of humiliation and exclusion. Their chief message is, “You are not welcome here.”

–David Brooks

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Coming to Get You

Awwww, yeah.

So excited to see Hostage and IB buddies. SOON.

The rest of this shitty post will consist of pleasant pictures. Because it’s gentle on the brain, and that is what we all need on Tuesday.

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That last pic came up randomly in the search for ‘plasant picture.’ I swear.

BBF

Hello good people, and welcome to Big Boob Friday.

 

 

Your model is a former cam girl, current porn star, who made a video of petting the kitty in the school library that went viral and got her expelled.  Born in Salem, Oregon on June 16, 1995, 5’9″ 32G-25-35 and 125lbs.  Please form an orderly line and check out Miss Kendra Sunderland.

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Thursday Poat: Hot Sauce Edition

The other day, when asked what something she always carries with her, HRC answered unhesitatingly “hot sauce“. Apparently, carrying hot sauce around with you, is a black people thing. And she needs the votes of Obama’s biggest voting bloc percentage-wise, to win. This election cycle has been very educational for me. 8+ years of SCOAMF inhabiting the airwaves and I just heard about CPT last week. Honestly. And here I am, the definition of a racist by virtue of my ethnicity, gender, age and prior service. Yet, Hillary and De Blasio needed to educate me on this important terminology. That got me thinking, what would my answer be to that question? People who know me would answer: knife, wallet, cash, maybe a little flashlight for trans-illuminating (not cis-) ganglion cysts. That would be a great thread: “What is in various Hostages pockets?”

This song is from a show called True Blood that I’ve only seen because Paula tried watching it on Netflix and eventually gave up on it. This song, which sounds like it was sung by a local bar band, will not inspire me to try watching it again.

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