Monday Filler Poat

The old poat was starting to smell stale from a hard weekend, so here’s a fresh one.

A Momentous Tragedy has Befallen Us

There has been an event that cannot go unmentioned. One that will betray the trust we all put into one of America’s greatest institutions.

I was carrying out one of the greatest pleasures that all Americans enjoy all too often. A task where we celebrate the labors of our fellow Americans at the pinnacle of their everyday efforts. Something everyone can be proud of, something everyone does without much thought, but the impact of which will reach down to the core of the self. Such a delightful experience, with a beautiful globally warmed environment keeping my temperature at an elevated level.

After arriving home from my enlightened journey through the aisles of one of America’s greatest institutions, I was unaware of the events about to unfold. I let my guard down. I relaxed. I was not at the peak of my abilities. this made the tragedy that much more astounding.

It was during the preparations for the upcoming week that the full effect of events would hit me like a ton of bricks. I held aloft the sword of Damocles, ready to dispatch an unsuspecting victim to the list of accomplishments that must be completed to fulfill the week, when I witnessed the unfolding of the tragedy to befall all tragedies.

Mother’s Day Memes

Big Boob Friday

Everyone shut your smollet hole and pay attention for a second. Donald Trump is god’s gift to conservatives. You may quibble with his demeanor, his communication style, or his brash NY sensibilities. You may not quibble with his results. As George Washington once said of the great Civil War general Winston Churchill, ‘I can’t spare this man. He fights.’

Ladies and gentleman, I believe this is the difference between the GOP and Trump voters. The CC republicans can’t and won’t fight, whereas his base is begging for it. Brigadier General Jay-Z said it best when referring to the chickenheads of the Afrikorps on the eve of the battle of Saratoga…

Now once upon a time not too long ago
A nigga like myself had to strong arm a ho (never trump)
This is not a ho in the sense of having a pussy
But a pussy having no goddamn sense try and push me
I tried to ignore ’em, talk to the Lord
Pray for ’em, cause some fools just love to perform
You know the type, loud as a motorbike
But wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight

If that doesn’t perfectly describe Jonah Goldberg I don’t what does. Loud as a motorbike, but couldn’t bust a grape in a food fight. Dammit man, do a few burpees and have some self respect.

Today’s model is a gorgeous and slim bed duster. You’re welcome! Please put down your ski masks, white face, clothesline, and red hats and welcome Antonella Khallo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Thorsday Quickie

 

Mood music:

I don’t even know what this means, because I still haven’t seen the movie.

Trump embarrassing us overseas:

 

Things I find on Facedouche:

 

Related:

 

Have I ever showed you guys my REALLY fat cat?

 

You think if I get my mom one of these, it will help?

 

This is for Leon:

 

That’s enough.   Vet office opens in 25 min then I can start calling.

 

Bad Week to be a Leftie

Man, it sure has sucked to be a leftie this last week or so. Outdone by Donny Two Scoops, the single biggest idiot ever to populate the White House (their words).

POS Post – Code Name: Snake Juice

Ahrite you lazy bitches/bitchettes –

get up!

When you hear “Snake Juice” what comes (heh) to mind … ?

No – N0 – NOO!

Sean’s Delicious Calamari

You people make me sick. We spent an entire day talking about turtlenecks when there are very real and important things going on in the world!

1. Some chick no one has ever heard of was asked not to be rude by the guy whose job is to chastise rude people.

2. Some homeless lady was the butt of a mild joke about her hair which was racist and also anti-domicileless.

3. A cranky alcoholic colicky baby who is running for president in 2020 mentioned the chick no one had ever heard about and the homeless lady.

4. Car in called me twice just to talk.

Ok fine, I made that last one up but the rest are 100% real stories that were covered wall to wall by the very serious gossip columnists we pretend are reporters and journalists. And you trogdilytes trogdelites trogderplites losers decided to make the funneh about foreskin.

Shame!

 

Whole Lotta Nope

The wildlife in Florida is varied and deadly. We’re not quite Australia, but we’re not far.

Venomous Snakes: 6 – Eastern Diamondback, Pygmy Diamondback,Timber Rattlesnake, Copperhead, Water Moccasin, and Eastern Coral

Venomous Spiders: 5 – the Southern Black Widow, Northern Black Widow, Red Widow, Brown Widow and Brown Recluse

Random Animals: Black Bears, Wild Boars, Alligators, Sharks, Jellyfish, Florida Panther

Those are just the ones indigenous to Florida. Because people are stupid and lazy and incompetent, they bring potentially dangerous animals into Florida via smuggling. We now have Nile Crocodiles in Florida.

A team of scientists has identified three reptiles captured near Miami as Nile crocodiles, a species native to Africa.

Through DNA testing, scientists from the University of Florida were able to confirm that the reptiles captured in the wild from 2009, 2011 and 2014 were Nile crocodiles, the second-largest extant reptile species in the world.

But Florida’s largest and most destructive invasive species by far is the Burmese Python. Introduced to the Everglades, largely escaping during the massive damage due to Hurricane Andrew, these snakes have now made their home here and are the Kings of the Glades. With no natural predators and a climate that is perfect for them to breed, they are dominating.

An examination of the digestive systems of 104 pythons killed this year in a public hunting competition turned up the remains of seven alligators, 50 mammals — including two deer — and 38 birds.

It was ample evidence of the toll the non-native constrictors were taking on Everglades wildlife.

Alligators. The damn things eat freaking alligators.

And just this week, a 15 FOOT BURMESE PYTHON was captured and what did they find in it’s stomach? Not 1, not 2, but 3 deer. It ate 3 deer in 90 days.

When they checked the contents of the snake’s stomach, all they found was some fur, a few teeth, and hooves.

It’s not just the people that are out of control in Florida, it’s the animals too. Whole lotta nope.

Big Boob Friday

Hey there everyone. I think you all know what’s going to happen here today. First, let me just say that it’s snowing like a mother fucker her in Denver and I might not get to go home. Shut up wiser. Yes I know it snowed a lot in those places where stupid people live, but it’s snowing here. On me. It’s serious. I blame mare which means….ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I tried to find sexy pictures of Meghan McCain but it appears she’s just too fat for it. Consider yourselves lucky that you didn’t have to peer at the fat boobed bishface this afternoon. In her place, I give you the medium boobed Hunter Leigh!!!!one!!!!!!one!!!!!! Could you put your gentlemans sausage between her mammary glands? Yes. Would you lose your gentlemans sausage between her mammary glands? No. I blame no one because if you tried you’re a winner.

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