I found this over the weekend and it is most excellent. No, I’m serious this time. LISTEN MUTHAFOCKERS. You need to give it a minute. I don’t know who this Samuel Pipes is, but he’s got some pipes. Get it? his name is Pipes?
Whatever. Tough crowd this morning.
Make it yours –
You know you want to…
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)
Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder
Intermittent Explosive Disorder
Sexual Arousal Disorder, Female
WAKEY WAKEY.
Sorry that my promised, and highly anticipated poat is more of an afternoon delight, but I had shit to do.
Mostly, I had to purchase QOTSA Cats fucking in a closet tickets. And I got AWESOME seats. Aren’t you all excited?
Whatever bitches.
Hi weirdos. Here are a few things I would like to rate as a hostage:
TNT flooring: Meth heads that pretend to be Jesus freaks so you’ll trust them with your really big job that they swear is going to be just perfect. Will they work more than a few hours a day? No. Will they smoke meth in your house? Yes. Will you need to have the floor completely removed and done by someone else? Yes. Will the meth heads remind you of someone but you can’t quite place them? Yes.
So here we are, 100 days into the glorious reign of the God Emperor Donaldus Trump II.
Is America great again? No, but its early. Like you, my patience is about as thin as Mare’s Whoreday panties and I do not trust a single person that is connected to Washington DC.
The Bad
Repeal/Replace–May the RINOs of the senate be rushed to the ER with a lightbulb stuck in their collective asses. Upon removal they may find a bright idea, such as repeal/replace. It’s not complicated, assholes.
The budget–May the Freedom Caucus step on their dicks with golf shoes for having the temerity to sink repeal/replace only to turn around and fund PP for the rest of the fiscal year.
The Good
Border crossings are down 70+% based solely on a mean look from the based cheeto god. My suggestion is that he get a teardrop tattoo on his cheek then watch the number climb to 90%.
The world seems to think we might be crazy enough to kick ass and drink Diet Coke. They also seem to believe we are running low on Diet Coke.
Serious note–people seem to be more optimistic about the future. I don’t really talk politics much in public but I don’t feel the weight of the pessimism that is being pushed by the media. Things seem good, which may be a reflection on where I live and how life is going, but it really matters when the people at the top are confident of success rather than dead set on decline. We’ve been told to eat our veggies for so long that a delicious taco bowl (we have the best taco bowl’s, don’t we folks?) seems like manna from heaven. It’s just taco Tuesday, but goddamn that seems like a fine idea.
The Ugly
The media and the DNC (Hillary/Obama wing) are pushing some really dangerous shit. The ridiculousness of RUSSIA! and the attempt to subvert a presidency that simply out hustled a terrible politician is going to escalate quickly. And when it does, they’ll blame Trump. They don’t care that people will be hurt, in fact I believe it’s the desired state to wave a bloody shirt.
I’m not really sure who has the ear of the President. I like Ivanka and Jared and I really like the tax plan that was put out but see Mare’s threadbare Whoreday undies referenced above for my trust levels. Jury is out on the D’s in the White House.
Goofy Shit is Endearing. Fuck Being ‘Too Cool’ Like Obama
The Official Sports Team of The Hostages
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