Two Days ‘Till Tool Thursday

Well, Jimbro apparently is busy and he asked me yesterday if I could fill in today, and he SPECIFICALLY asked me to do a Tool post (I swear), and I figured … “What the heck? What do I have going on?”   Then Pat ended up in the hospital.  But I put my priorities in order, pulled up my big-cis-girl gender-conforming panties, and got to business.

What *is* Tool? I mean, besides an alt- prog-art-post metal band?  This, according to Maynard:

“Tool is exactly what it sounds like: It’s a big dick. It’s a wrench. … we are … your tool; use us as a catalyst in your process of finding out whatever it is you need to find out, or whatever it is you’re trying to achieve.”

Although not their first album, their popularity started with this song:

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End Of May, Ayuh, It’s Soon To Be June

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Jay’s new workers are not the sharpest pencils in town.

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BBF

Hello  mother-helpers, and welcome to Big Boob Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

Your model for today was born in London, England on September 22, 1991.  She stands 5’5″, and measures 36DD-31-39″ and 132lbs.  Please chill-out and say hello to Miss Harmony Reigns!

 

 

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MMM 285: The Agenda is Everywhere

And historical ignorance abounds.  I tried to watch the Netflix Castlevania cartoon over the weekend and made it less than 4 minutes before thumbing it down.  Well-drawn, but utter garbage for writing.  For those who never played the games, Castlevania was about various members of the Belmont family fighting Dracula and his offshoots and allies at various points in late Medieval and early Renaissance history.  Men (white men!), faithful to God (going to church for restoration and items like holy water occurs in the early games), fighting a satanic, evil immortal being.

First scene of this shit is – in 1455 AD, we’re told – a Strong Independent Womantm marching past acres of impaled human bodies to Dracula’s castle.  She bravely enters and proceeds to… scold Dracula about being such a naughty person, then ask him to teach her his super-science so she can become a doctor.  A real doctor, not some cunning woman with poultices and boiling nettles.  Dracula (who is basically Disney’s Beast in terms of visible menace) tells her that he likes her spirit and then agrees to do as she asks.  The next scene is 1475 AD, where Lisa (aforementioned aspiring doctor) is being burned at the stake for witchcraft by a group of evil-looking priests, one of whom is a bishop.  The discussion they have while she burns explicitly conflates science and witchcraft, and the bishop gives one of the priests who says he’s been studying a bit of chemistry (“just a study, to better understand our enemies”) a sidelong glance of the “you might be next at the stake” sort.  I bailed.  WTF?  The only thing they got right was that everyone at least appeared to be European, and hey, nice shout-out with the “AD”.  Let’s completely ignore that the university system (invented by the Church for the advancement of Man) has existed for almost 500 years already, and the University of Paris was founded in 1045 AD with Medicine as one of it’s 4 foundational fields of inquiry.  I just want to punch a lot of retards in the face.  Must be Monday.

Her outfit is falling apart, someone help!

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Obama II: Cockfacefuckaloo

That last word seems made up but it isn’t. If you search for it on the intertitty you’ll find a wealth of information.

So Obama is back, and this time going to kick ass and use cliches, and he’s all out of cliches. The world is stuck like a deer in the headlights of a sixteen wheel suck mobile, paralyzed at his magnificence–or so the media would have you believe.

The truth, harder than a diamond, and as difficult to swallow as a giant bitter pill is that only a few people actually care; rich old liberals and black women. The rest of us are just trying to get on with our lives. The days of our lives, even.

So please, do us a favor, oh God Emperor of the Early Release Television Series, go the fuck away. Obama could build a speech generator using the words, ‘world, future, change, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, let us, hope, and destiny,’ bridged together with terrible sentence formations and almost no one would notice. Just put up a cardboard cut out and play side A of the tape called ‘Flattering Rich Crackers’ then flip it over to side B, ‘I am Black Also, and Understand You.’

Save everyone else some time, dickface. If we wanted to be talked down to or bored to death we’d use bad grammar in a blog post and wait for Hotspur to show up.

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This man, right here, the one I’m pointing to…is a DICK!!!

Hostage Oscar Party (Now With 100% Fewer Slow-loading GIFs!)

Well, the Academy Awards are here again. Yay. If you think you’re sick of hearing about them, try living in Southern California. It’s all they talk about on the news for the next goddamn week.

Most of us aren’t big fans of Hollywood (or as one guy I heard one time called it, HollyWEIRD–delightful!) but maybe you saw a couple of the movies that are nominated this year. Are you rooting for La La Land? Hidden Fences? Something else?

Ah, who am I kidding? We’re all boycotting the Oscars. Not for the politics (okay, maybe a little bit because of the politics) but because the most deserving film of the year wasn’t nominated:

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I’m just hoping John Wick 2: The Wick and The Dead gets nominated next year. Probably not, though.

Cannon Wire

Kieth Shore

b. in the past,  Philadelphia.

 

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Blue Wire

Well, let’s get fresh for the summer season.  Evidently zee Moronosphere is ablaze with real zeal for new art posts in America, and so in celebration of the new let us break from the past.

Check out:

Geoff McFetridge

b 1971 Canada

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He’s a bright talent and prolific.

Watch for his shows in a metropolitan galleria near ye’ia.

(pro-tip.  Free wine.)

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Taste the brainbow.