In 1492, Ferdinand, the King of Saipan, was thirsty for spices, having issued his “FUCK SALT!” edict after his Southern Baptist hordes had driven the Moors out of wherever the hell they’d been for a while. France, probably.
Pictured: King Ferdinand of Saipan
Wait, can you technically be thirsty for spices? I mean, I guess you could be thirsty for spiced rum, but that’s different. Let’s just say he wanted spices because the ones he had were getting old.
Pictured: Ferdy’s spice jar
Anyway, Ferdinand decided to send Christopher Columbus to Burma for some new spices, and perhaps for some Burma Shave. So, Chris set out on the Mayflower, the Piñata, and the Titanic.
Problem was that Chris Columbus, while fairly competent in his capacity as the director of Harry Potter movies (I’m told), didn’t have a lot of experience with navigating, so he set out in the wrong direction, eventually crashing into Plymouth Rock, which was apparently named after a local car dealership or something. Incidentally, Leonardo DaVincio died during the shipwreck.
Chris and his crew of Puritan Spanglish Lutherans searched the area for anything spicy and even kicked the dirt a little bit to see if they could find any gold nuggets lying around, but didn’t find much of anything. However, they had brought their busty Filipina wives along, and when they suggested going back to Saipan, the wives said they were sick of a certain diving instructor’s sexual advances, so they decided to stay put.
Times were tough for the first few months, but there was a bunch of grass they could eat, and only seventy percent of them died. The rest of them found ways to survive, mostly through unspeakable acts which we won’t, um, speak about here. Incidentally, Teddy Kennedy was born around that time, and served in the Senate until his recent death.
Then, one day, a mysterious, dusky figure showed up at the edge of their settlement, which they had built out of the sails and masts they had salvaged from the wreck of the Enterprise. He was an Indian named Tushquo, and, amazingly enough, he spoke English, having worked at a call center in Bangalore for several years.
Pictured: Tushquo, Farming Tech-support guy
Tushquo helped Chris and the settlers, who became known as “Pilgrims” for some reason that has been lost in the mists of time and alcohol, to learn how to stop eating grass and become successful turkey farmers. He also taught them how to make mashed potatoes, stuffing (and/or the traditional “dressing” that neighboring Hindu sects preferred), and that green bean casserole that people to this day pick the fried onions off of. Oh, and a really good giblet gravy, too. He also proved to be a fashion innovator (though an unacknowledged one) by starting the whole belt-buckle-on-your-hat thing.
Chris and the Spanish Orthodox Presbyterians were so thankful that they invited Tushquo and his people to a dinner of turkey curry, Tandoori turkey, naan, and firewater. Tushquo and his wife, Pocahontas, brought the dinner rolls. Pocahontas would later become the subject of the wildly successful Walt Disney animated feature “Pinocchio.” Somehow, this became the first “Thanksgiving.” This is also why people write “first” or some variation thereof on blog threads and/or lavatory/massage parlor walls.
This was a defining moment in the history of America, as the Native people and Eurotrash sat down together, especially since the following years would see unending conflict, but the fusion of the two cultures would eventually result in this…
The Sacagawea Dollar coin is the culmination of all of this, somehow. Enjoy your postage stamps!
UPDATE: Also, enjoy the time you’re able to spend with your (WHITE, GENOCIDAL!!!!!) families. When you’re participating in the traditional exchange of Sacagawea Dollars, make sure to give thanks for the real stuff that we sit down and honor today.
(If a family member asks you to pass the salt and you’re tempted to mutter something profane, you can probably be forgiven.)
UPDATE 2: President Barack Obama decided this was a big deal, and declared Thursday, November 26, “Thanksgiving Day.” It was unprecedented.
UPDATE 3: (SOX) This commemt was posted at the “Mother Ship”. It seems appropriate….
“What the sex act is this feces”.
Posted by: Sean M. at November 26, 2009 06:08 AM (rLWHv)