Access to all of Rosetta’s posts: https://thehostages.wordpress.com/author/rosetta8/
Movie Names and Food: What could go wrong?! Starts with an innocent little link from Jam2… https://thehostages.wordpress.com/2014/07/16/hhd-117/#comment-1014790
Forged Rite’s Flame-out: (I hope he finds this every single night when he googles himself. Here, this should help: #tags forged rite asshole liar forged rite douchebag scumbucket forged rite lying fucking scumsucking forged rite asshole POS forged rite whiny fucktard forged rite idiot disingenuous forged rite liar douchenozzle forged rite scumtard forged rite douche)
Hilarity of new shows for Scott’s new Fat News Network, starts about here: https://thehostages.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/hhd-75/#comment-881474
Three Million Hits, with flashbacks and links to some of the funniest shit on the interwebs: https://thehostages.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/as-it-turns-out-3-million-window-lickers-can-be-wrong/
You know what’s funny? Obama winning the fucking Nobel Peace Prize…
See also, Laptop Steering Wheel Desk…
TEST YOUR HOSTAGE KNOWLEDGE!!!! with wiserbud’s crossword puzzle. Let’s see if you’re as dumb as you look.
Two of the funniest stories EVAR from two massive morons…
composmentis: Xtranorml version here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XgZua477nk
Few years back, I started the day by eating a lot of fast food and washing it down with half a gallon of Coke. Fast forward to a couple of hours later, when I’m sitting on the sidelines watching my daughter play soccer in mid 90 degree weather. All of a sudden, my ass is to the point where it’s going to explode like Pom-flippin’-peii! I look around and see only two port-o-pots that are literally a quarter mile away.
So I start walking, slowly at first, then faster. As the johns draw nearer, the more my colon feels like there’s a live midget in there straining to burst free.
I’m about 50 feet away, walking all doubled over and funny, not caring what the fuck I look like, just desperately trying to clench when I feel something slide between my already sweaty ass cheeks and plop into my boxers. Dammit!
I make it to one of the pots, which is pre-heated to about 400 degrees, rip my shorts down, spin and sit down as fast as I can just as the dam bursts. You need no further details at this time. My boxers are gonners so I take them off and throw them into the tank. With a sigh of relief, I step out and feel the cooler air hit my sweaty face and my now underwear free ass.
You’d think that would be the end of the story, but nooo! Twenty minutes later, I’m back on the sidelines when I have the very distinct feeling that I gotta go again and I mean right damned now!
So I take off in a fast walk and before I’m even half way there, my already worn out sphincter flat out says “screw this” and releases the hounds! With every step I take, mud is flying out my ass. Keep in mind I am no longer wearing any underwear, thus there’s nothing to catch the shit that’s now falling out the legs of my shorts. I start fucking sprinting, shit is hitting the backs of my legs, my shoes, and flying everywhere.
This whole time I have my eyes on the john, making sure no one is in it (I had seen someone exit prior). I burst in and before I can even get my shorts down, all self-control has vanished and I’m crapping all over everything, including myself.
I finally manage to sit down. How in hell there was so much more volume the second time is beyond me, but I guaran-damn-tee I lost at least 5 pounds.
There I am, covered in my own shit, baking in a stinking oven of a port-o-pot, trying to regain my composure when I realize there is, you guessed it, no toilet paper left. Fuck me. I wasn’t wearing socks either.
I remember saying out loud, “What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!” Then I start giggling. And I start half laughing, half crying because I am sooo fucked! My wife is a quarter mile away and my vehicle is parked in a busy high school parking lot and to get there, I have to walk beside a busy road and through a four-way stop intersection.
I clean up best I can with my t-shirt and lay it to rest with my boxers. I pull up my shit-stained shorts (thank God they were black) and exit the john. I start to walk toward my van and I can still feel shit falling out of my shorts and onto my legs.
By this time, I don’t give a rat’s ass who sees me. All I want to do is get to my van and see what I can do to clean up before my wife and girls arrive. I managed to find paper towel, baby wipes, some plastic bags and one pair of purple satin girl’s soccer shorts. Another thank you to God for my wife’s always being prepared.
I get in the van, which is actually hotter than the port-o-pot was, and am sitting buck naked on the back seat with plastic bags and paper towel stuck everywhere due to my being covered in shit and sweat. I got people milling around in the parking lot so I’m trying to stay low.
Finally, cleaned up best as I can be, I’m sitting behind the steering wheel, glad I’m not covered in shit anymore but worried what my wife is going to say when she gets back, because she has no idea what happened to me and she has our infant daughter, three lawn chairs, and a mother with Alzheimer’s to deal with.
I look across the intersection and I see Fritz, one of the other dads, making his way to the port-o-pots. I got this feeling in my gut, kind of a humorous dread, as I watch him reach for the door of the pot I had decimated not long ago.
I’ll never forget his reaction. Fritz opened that door and jumped back as if something alive in there had grabbed at him. He was shaking his head in disgust and disbelief as he spun and walked away, not even bothering with trying the other pot.
Next thing I know, here comes my wife, pushing the stroller, three lawn chairs on her back, my oldest daughter holding grandma’s hand because grandma had wandered half mile away mistaking someone else for my daughter. With my wife is also the team’s coach and there I am, arm out the window and sweating with nothing on but a pair of very tight girl’s shorts, sitting in the driver’s seat trying to look as non-dorky as possible, smelling like ass and baby wipes.
My wife laughs herself to tears every time I talk about this story. Up to this point, she was the only one who knew about it.
Dave in Texas:
Teh Joke Threadz
As with most things moron, the joke thread started at AoSHQ. I doubt the Steven Seagal movie titles was the very first one but it’s the first one I (Rosetta) remember. Interesting trivia: the idea for the funny Steven Seagal movie titles originated in a post by Andrew Levy at the Daily Gut.
We have now stolen this idea and beat it like a circus monkey. The links below are some examples of the brilliantly stupid humor that we at the Hostages find incredibly funny. If you do not laugh until you cry when reading these threads, you are at the wrong blog. You go away now.
Sobek at Innocent Bystanders trying to get in on the act with the Least Appealing Euphemisms for Sex
oh, God, I remember the car name thread. I laughed all over again just thinking about it.
Damn, what was that thread about to start with, anyway?
Why is it always me?
I also nominate the first Kerry Marie BBF post for induction into the hall of fame shame.
Okay, Dumas, now edit the thread to include it up top.
Jeez, do we have to do everything for you?
WTF? That thread had more comments than that!
-1 gajiggityillion points
oh dammit, you’re right FINE! I’ll look again
Well, hurry the fuck up!!!! I need to laugh more.
holy shit, that threads hilarious right from the start!
Mesa, go get laid already!!!!
is there any possibility, however remote, that this thread is only funny to us?
Oh, god, that was a freaking riot. I couldn’t pick a top 50 out of that, much less a top 10. I’m laughing all over again. And I look at the time stamp and think WTF? 2:30am???? on a week night?
Oh, I bet I felt incredible the day after that.
So what do we draw numbers to decide which one of us sits in the audience each night?
if you start caring about the audience, you lose the funny.
hahha, exactly, they all come for kerry marie and downblouse
But they stay for the brilliant wit and insightful commentary on world events.
I think I had a two-fer winner here. I suggested the Ford Probe which would also make a great porn title. I’m just gonna go ahead and crown myself The King.
I’ll receive your tributes now.
wait…your actually proud of something you wrote here?
Oh hells no. Commenting here must feel like Rosetta feels after admitting his addiction to gay midget porn.
Y’all are going to add the Worst Cereal Names thread, right? That might be the most tasteless and disgusting thing I have read…well, at least since the last AOSHQ flame war.
Hall of Shame-ohs.
Must. Stop. Now.
shouldn’t the story of when mesa posted pj’s pics be in this thread?
And how Rich got his nickname.
Sorry MCPO, apparently I’m the official
Hostage post pusher-downer, so, to initiate you, I have to push your
post down. It’s not about Charlie the Unicorn, but it IS old. The only
thing bad about this video is there’s nothing about me in it. Can’t
have it all, now can we?
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