Wiserbud’s Helpful Hints for the Single Man

Let’s say you are not as desperate as Xbrad.  Let’s say you are straight, unlike Xbrad.  Let’s say you actually know a woman who is not a hooker, unlike Xbrad.

Perhaps she’s even a woman who looks something like this:

Now let’s say you would like to date the woman.

1)  If you are lucky enough to get a woman’s number, wait at least one day before calling her.

2) If, by some miracle, she agrees to go out with you, do not drink more than she does while on the date.

3)  If you are the nervous type, do everything in your power to avoid puking on her shoes when you pick her up.

4) Pay for dinner on the first date.  After that, you make the call.

5)  If, by some miracle, she invites you back to her place after that date, do not expect to get lucky.

6)  If, by some miracle, you DO get lucky, do not leave money on her nightstand when you leave.

7)  If she insists on yo leaving money on the night stand, do not suggest taking her home to meet your mom.

I’m sure the rest of you have some additional ideas that you would be willing to share.

 

358 Comments

  1. This is, without a doubt, the greatest poat in the history of poats.

  2. Worst poat in the last 5 minutes.

  3. Her nose is crooked.

  4. Uniball’s Guide to Sexually Pleasuring a Woman.

    She said “book”, not “pamphlet.”

  5. I was more put off by her shoulder tattoo.

  6. Hostages! I’ve missed you!

  7. I never even noticed she had shoulders.

  8. I didn’t even see a nose.

  9. I read that as “greasiest” post in the history of poats

  10. Okay,
    This poat is GOOD!
    Especially considering what was going on at the tail-end of the last one.

    Anybody remember when MTV was all ‘music videos’, all the time?
    I thought so.
    There was one called “Turn Around Bright Eyes”, remember?
    Good.
    Now watch this “Literal” re-make of that video:
    http://tinyurl.com/qdekel

    Okay, I;m easily amused! So sue me! Not YOU BiW…

  11. I was more put off by her shoulder tattoo.

    racist.

    Rule # 8: Do not bring flowers on the first date. She’ll only expect you to do it every time.

  12. Andy’s Guide to Hairstyles for Men.

  13. Actually, It was “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. mea culpa…

  14. 9) Do not have a cooler full of beer in the back seat of your car on your first date.

    Keep it in the trunk.

  15. We’ve missed you too, Sky. How’s Reeee-know?

  16. HAHAHAHA!

    Fuck you, Wiser!

  17. Fucking brilliant, Leon. Between work, and the play, and the burlesque shows, and my music performances, I have no time, and that’s rather how I love my life. I couldn’t possibly be happier!

  18. True story:

    I did not have a radio installed in my car when I picked up wiserbride for our first date. As we were driving away from her house, I asked if she would like to listen to some music. She said “sure,” so I handed her my Walkman.

    She looked at me for a second like I was insane, then cracked up. I knew, right at that moment, that I was gonna marry that woman.

  19. Happy to hear it, Ms. Ember. Been pretty busy myself lately. Thankfully, not doing burlesque.

  20. 10) Wear pants when you pick her up.

  21. COME ON, YOU SLACKERS!!!!

    Do I have to carry this whole thread by myself???

  22. “Thankfully, not doing burlesque.”

    You should try it. Does wonders for one’s self-confidence. ;)

  23. You should try it. Does wonders for one’s self-confidence. ;)

    Tell me about it.

  24. 11) Have a brush with you in case you get some food in your regulation aviation ‘stache.

  25. 11) Brush your teeth. (If you live in Alabama, brush your tooth.)

  26. 11) Have a brush with you in case you get some food in your regulation aviation pron ‘stache.

    there ya go, buddy.

  27. 12) Bring a condom on the first date. She might meet some guy in the bar and hook up with him, and she’ll appreciate your concern for her health.

  28. 11) If you have a little gut, don’t call it “my pooch”.

    ack! It was a flaming liberal.

  29. Ok. ChrisP I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants. I put it on facechimp

  30. >> Do I have to carry this whole thread by myself???

    Meh. There’s football on.

  31. Talk about yourself. A lot. IF the subject moves away from you, just ignore it and continue to talk only about you.

    Women love a guy who’s assertive and self-confident.

  32. If she has a little gut, don’t call it “her pooch.”

  33. Brett Penis, Brett Penis,Brett Penis

  34. Sohos,
    I was laughing so hard there were tears in my eyes! I’ve got to show that to Anita. Good thing I’d just taken a leak!
    I’d have wet myself for sure!

  35. So Ember remember the conversation we had about 3 artists you would want to listen to forever and you only had 3? My third one is Prince. I dont know why it took me that long

  36. 13) Don’t talk about yourself the ENTIRE time and then say “don’t you hate it when people talk about themselves all the time?”

    I looked around to see if this was an episode of Candid Camera.

  37. 14) KIcking in the poon should always wait for the third date.

  38. porn ‘stache. Wiserbud beat me to it.

  39. 13) don’t tell her your nickname for your junk on the first date. Unless it’s “Brett Penis”

  40. haha wiser! I hadn’t seen your comment before writing mine (about talking about yourself)

  41. “My third one is Prince. I dont know why it took me that long”

    Good choice, Sohita!

    “13) don’t tell her your nickname for your junk on the first date. Unless it’s “Brett Penis””

    I had a friend whos last name was Roberts. His penis was named The Dread Pirate Roberts.

  42. Dick, my guaranteed panty-loosener in college was a double album of The Long Run/Hotel California.

  43. 15) Contradict every “fact” your date brings into the conversation. Women love a Know-it-all!

  44. Get rip-roaring, commode-hugging drunk the night before your first date, so you won’t even be able to stand the smell of alcohol the next night.

    Then order club soda with limes all night on your date, so she’ll think you’re not a drinker.

    (true story)

  45. Dick, they played that at Mr. RFH’s sister’s wedding reception. I laughed and sang and danced to it. All the men lined up on one side, the women on the other. All the older folks thought we had practiced it.

  46. When not talking about yourself, try to talk about sports.

    This will show her you have more than one interest in life.

  47. 15) When you first pick her up at her door, ask her which of you is responsible for bringing the personal lubricant.

  48. they played that at Mr. RFH’s sister’s wedding reception. I laughed and sang and danced to it.

    Heh. Wiserbride and I went to a wedding where, at the reception, they played “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and the entire wedding party got on the dance floor and sang along.

    If you know the words or the point of that song, you’ll understand how uncomfortable that was……

  49. So did anyone else laugh when Brett Favre had 4th and inches?

  50. 16) Ask her what plans she’s made for the coming Lutheran Millenium &TM;

  51. Don’t wear underwear on your first date. Be sure to let her know that.

    She’ll think you’re adventurous.

  52. Wait until the second date to ask if she has a sister who’d be interested in a three-way.

  53. You should try it. Does wonders for one’s self-confidence.

    No need, I’ve got self confidence literally flowing from my pores.

    *sniffs pit*

    Wait, no, that’s man-stank. It’s a close approximation.

  54. Happy Birthday Chrispy!!

  55. List all of the women you have slept with and ask her if she knows any of them.

  56. So did anyone else laugh when Brett Favre had 4th and inches?

    heh heh heh.

  57. Isn’t it time for Brett to throw an interception?

  58. Bedtime. Time to go try and sleep.

  59. Send her a twitpic of your junk

  60. Anybody see the sign being held in the background”

    SNF – Send Naked Fotos

  61. Isn’t it time for Brett to throw an interception?

    No, but he’ll probably come up short.

  62. How did that ref, who was standing right there, call that a touchdown?

  63. Whatever story she tells, make sure you have a better one.

    She once saw the President; You had lunch with the Queen of England.

    She ran a half marathon; You actually ran from Marathon to Athens.

  64. I finally saw the Favre peen photos. The head of that thing is so distinctive that his wife is sure to be able to know if it was his.

  65. *holding breath waiting for a sad but not unexpected viking loss*

    *holds up sign Farve 4 Ever*

  66. Ask her if she has any hobbies. No matter what she says, laugh.

  67. That was awful. He was just watching for possession of the ball.

  68. Ask to see her feet. If she says “okay” crawl under the table to look.

  69. Tell her that you think her mom is hot.

  70. Tell her you think her dad is hot.

  71. *smacks wiser, D’nozzo-style*

  72. 4th down. NOW it’s time for Brett to throw an interception.

  73. *smacks wiser, D’nozzo-style*

    purrrrrrr……….

  74. If you start to get intimate on the couch, ask her if she smells baking bread.

  75. *bites lip and holds back Farve tears*

  76. Hahahaha.

    Tripped over his own dick.

  77. Ask her if she has a sister and suggestively waggle your eyebrows.

  78. *holds up sign Farve 4 Ever Inches*

    FTFTheLadies.

  79. Take her to a restaurant with real outhouses, just like you remember growing up.

  80. Wherever you walk, always walk 3 feet in front of her.

  81. If you want to take her to a midnight movie, don’t tell her you’ll pick her up at 11:30.

    If you make her spaghetti, be sure and drain the grease from the meat before adding the tomato paste.

    Yeppers, Mr. TiFW was a smooth operator……

  82. NO Brett…we said 4th and inches NOT you have 4 inches

  83. Smack her on the ass whenever you can. Chicks dig that.

  84. If you go back to her place, ask her who decorated it, a drunken Vern Yip?

  85. Women love it if you think they have a great sense of humor. Laugh at everything she says.

    Everything.

    Every single thing.

  86. Wait until dessert to tell her you just popped a Viagra

  87. Ask her if they’re real.

  88. If in the course of telling you about her family she tells you that her father is passed away, do a Tiger Woods double fist-pump and yell, “YEAH!”

  89. Wait until dessert to tell her you just popped a Viagra

    HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!

    sohos brings the MAGIC!

  90. Tell her you bet she looks a lot better naked than your sister. Chicks dig compliments about their body.

  91. Tell her every dirty little family secret, including the story about when your uncle molested you and your brother.

    She’ll think you’re sensitive.

  92. Check to see if they’re real. Don’t just take her word for it.

  93. Insult the waiter. Insult the busboy. Insult the maitre d’. Insult the woman at the table next to you.

    Show her that you are a “take-charge” kind of guy.

  94. “*smacks wiser, D’nozzo-style*”

    Laughs because Cyn thinks enough of wiser to give him just the second-lead smack on the head

    Laughing still because MCPO knows who Vern Yip is

  95. ‘Night masterdaters.

  96. Bring your mother along on your date.

  97. After your first course at dinner, take the salt shaker, throw it through the nearest window and scream at the top of your lungs, FUCK SALT!!

  98. Sit next to your mother. Hold her hand all night. Taste her food for her. Kiss her every now and again. Ask your date to hold the door for the two of you.

  99. It’s never too early to ask her views on Latex Hosefucking.

  100. Start reciting, line-by-line, episodes of Seinfeld.

    Do not let her interrupt until you are done.

  101. Invite her back to your place to play Dungeons and Dragons.

  102. If you start to get intimate on the couch, ask her if she smells baking bread fish.

    fixt.

    Wiser, were you at my SIL’s wedding reception? October 1988, NJ.

    Ask her if they’re real.

    That happened.

  103. Show up on crutches and with your ankle wrapped up. Come up with some really awesome story about how you injured yourself, like you saved a young child from being run over by a bus.

    Ask her to open doors for you and help you into and out of your seat.

    At the end of the night, laugh loudly in her face, throw the crutches away and yell “LOSER!!!”

  104. RFH,
    Are you serious? Did anyone die?

  105. Wiser, were you at my SIL’s wedding reception? October 1988, NJ.

    {{{{{{{{shudder}}}}}}}

    You mean other people did that too?

  106. Invite her back to your place to play Dungeons and Dragons.

    fixt

  107. After wiping the snot from your nose with the palm of your hand, kindly select a piece of bread for her from the basket and ask if she’d care for any butter.

  108. Get up and go outside for a cigarette every 5 minutes.

  109. Ask her if she is familiar with the phrase, “Dorked in the squeekhole”?

  110. I finally got to make my birthday cake today. Orange extracct added to vanilla frosting on a dark chocolate fudge cake. ZOMG

  111. Cyn – Did you bring enough cake for everyone?

  112. Have a stack of old Ass Fantasy, Barely Legal and Blue Boy magazines on the passenger seat when you pick her up. Make a big deal about throwing them all in the back seat as you help her into the car, while saying “Won’t be needing these tonight!”

  113. Ask her if she’d mind if your bring your brother Ruprecht to the first date.

  114. Take her to a Hostage Meatup:

    http://tinyurl.com/2udfghs

  115. Sure did Chief!

    *begins pouring glasses of milk, grabs ice cream scoop from the drawer*

  116. Cyn, that sounds delicious!

    And love the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels reference.

    “Do you want the genital cuff?”

  117. At some point during the date, ask her if she knows what BBF stands for? If not (heh), explain it to her and then tell her that, if she put on a couple of dozen pounds, she could probably make the cut.

  118. Heheheheh! Genital Cuff. Kills me. Everytime.

  119. worst. nap. ever.

  120. The cake was Duncan Hines; highly recommend. Imma do some mint extract to the frosting for the next one. WITH mint choco chip ice cream on the side. Eleventy!!

  121. Dave I think you’re doing it wrong

  122. Make her a cake.

    Make her eat it.

    All of it.

  123. Well, it wasn’t the dirt nap, Dave, so you’ve got that going for you.

  124. Be sure to tell your date that you don’t mind unshaven legs and that it kinda reminds you of your mom anyways.

  125. worst. nap. ever.

    heh. Dave, you’ll appreciate this.

    I went to bed last night at 10, as I had to get up early this morning to play softball. at 11:30, Wiserdaughter had a “moment”, which woke me up. I heard her yell at wiserbride “YOU DON’T RESPECT ME!!!”

    grrrrrrrrr………

  126. I looove Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

    “Why is the cork on the fork?”

    “Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!”

    “Not the royal ring, your highness!”

    Dave, it’s far too late in the day to take a nap, but it sounds like you’ve been busy traveling and working.

  127. When you pick your date up for the first time, no matter what she’s wearing, tell her she looks incredible.

    Then, immediately tell her that you will not respect her in the morning.

  128. >> I went to bed last night at 10, as I had to get up early this morning to play softball. at 11:30, Wiserdaughter had a “moment”, which woke me up. I heard her yell at wiserbride “YOU DON’T RESPECT ME!!!”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am prescient.

    Or something.

    I did not do the nap right, and now I’m gonna pay. I may be able to fool my body with a drink and go back to bed.

    Also Dirty Rotten Scoundrels = awesomeness. “Excuse me, may I go to the bathroom?. … Thank you”.

  129. When you show up at her place to pick her up, ask if you can use the bathroom.

    Do not come out for at least an hour and a half.

    Women love a man of mystery.

  130. Be sure to tell your date you LIKE shaved legs.

    Ask her if she wants to feel how smooth yours are.

  131. I did not do the nap right, and now I’m gonna pay.

    You could do a quick search of all of Xbrad’s comments over the last six months and attempt to read them all.

    You’ll be asleep in no time.

  132. Tell her that you have a surprise later, but ask her whether she prefers duct or packing tape.

  133. Invite her back to your place to play Dungeons and Dragons.

    That happened, too.

  134. Interrupt your conversation repeatedly make calls on your cell phone.

    A lot.

    She’ll think you’re really important.

  135. *giggles at the Dumb and Dumber reference*

  136. <i.Tell her that you have a surprise later, but ask her whether she prefers duct or packing tape.

    Ask her if she’s allergic to any particular type of adhesive.

    Show’s her that you care.

  137. >> Tell her that you have a surprise later, but ask her whether she prefers duct or packing tape.

    Every romantic chick knows duct tape is the right play.

    *tries to make my hair stick down on my head, gives up. I’m going back to a buzz cut, this is goofy.

  138. Ask her if she likes movies about gladiators.

  139. Or spent time in a turkish prison.

  140. Very obviously slip a sugar tablet into her drink. Don’t try to hide what you’re doing.

    Smile and stare at her intently while encouraging her to “drink up!”

  141. *reach into your pants and pull out an emerald green butt thong. say “it was pinching”.

  142. Pretend to look sheepish when you say you forgot your wallet.

  143. Invite her back to your place to “see your etchings”. Actually have etchings to show off.

  144. Goodnight! *smoochies*

  145. “Oh, hey, look, it’s my parole officer!”

    This really happened.

  146. Smoochies back at you PA!

  147. Offer to take her to Vegas. Immediately.

  148. nighty nite, PAwesome.

  149. Say “I always go Dutch to show my respect for women”.

  150. [[[hugs]]] to PA.

  151. Pull out your wallet and show her pictures of your wife and kids.

  152. Everywhere you go, wherever you see a security camera, hide your face.

  153. Is it raining at anybody else’s house?

  154. I did all this stuff.

    I don’t get what’s problematic about it.

    *set up a camera on a tripod in front of the sofa while watching “Casablanca” together. Say “it’s for mom”.

  155. Good night PattyAnn. hug hug hug smooch

  156. Fart loudly in the restaurant. Women like men who are bold.

  157. If you are lucky enough to get her back to your place, show her the urn that you bought for your mother’s ashes. When she says “Oh, when did she die?” answer “Oh, she’s still alive……”

  158. If you mom happens to call while you’re on your date, scream at her relentlessly calling her bitch and whore. Your date is sure to know that you ain’t no mamma’s boy.

  159. Take her to a gay strip club.

  160. “Oh, she’s still alive……”

    “Soon. Real soon. Trust me.”

  161. See, I think that’s a bad play. Women like guys who love their mom.

    Show her pictures instead.

  162. Take her to a gay strip club.

    Be sure to wave to all the guys there and call them by name.

  163. Say “please” when asking her to put the lotion in the basket. And when, she places the lotion in said basket, be sure to say “thank you.”

    Politeness goes a long way.

  164. i <3 these joke threads!! HAHAHA!

  165. Take her to an expensive restaurant. Ask her to help you guess the size of the penises of all the waiters.

  166. test

  167. Ask her if she likes to watch One Tree Hill.

  168. Be sure to speak in an even, quiet tone when you bring up your obscure cult. Nobody likes spittle.

  169. Ask her when her last VD test was.

  170. Ask her is she’s a “screamer” or a “moaner.”

  171. Time for bed for me.

    Sweet Dreams all!!

  172. “Will anyone miss you if you don’t show up for work on Monday?”

  173. Make sure to warn her ahead of time, “You will get wet.”

  174. Look her up and down when she opens the door. Suggest that you both probably wear the same size dress.

  175. **tackles Cyn**

    **gives her the “thick cut bacon”**

  176. nite, cynabuns

  177. Ask her if she bruises easily.

  178. Find out before your date if she has any chloroform allergies.

  179. Scrub the “free candy” sign off your van.

  180. Tell her you voted for Obama. If she says she did also, laugh extremely loud, point and call her a fucking idiot.

    Walk out.

  181. Reassure her that you’ll get along fine, as long as she doesn’t talk shit about Total.

  182. Tell her she reminds you a lot of your sister.

    a whole lot.

    Smile suggestively.

  183. Ask her how she feels about auditioning for a role in “Star Whores”

  184. Let her order first. As soon as she’s finished, slam your menu down and say “Well, I guess I’ll just have a fucking glass of water then, thank you very MUCH!”

  185. Make sure to find out about her religious background before discussing your “manifesto.”

  186. Try to drop the expression “Daddy’s fingers” into the conversation as much as possible.

  187. As her if she thinks she gets pregnant easily.

  188. be a bass player.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4uuMCKKtUM&feature=related

    chicks dig “lame”

  189. Show up for your date in a Ford “Probe” IYKWIMAITYD

  190. Over dinner, pull out a newspaper and start reading.

    Women love guys who are interested in current events.

  191. As she is speaking, keep one hand under the table, moving it around and moaning occasionally.

  192. Ask her when she plans on getting a nose job.

  193. In the middle of the meal, excuse yourself, saying “I’ll be right back. If you expect me to last at all tonight, I need to go pound one out.”

  194. When your date tells you she’s really a dolphin, ask to see her blow hole.

    That really happened.

  195. “Here, have some ‘hair gel'”

  196. That really happened.

    Okay.

    You win.

    WTF?!?!?!?

  197. Be sure to tell her how beautiful she is and suggest that she could make a lot more money working for you, instead of her current manager.

  198. OK, girls,Battery is dying, and I’m finished downloading Internal Affairs.

    I’ll see you tomorrow.

  199. Tell her you only hit because you care.

  200. <iBattery is dying, and I’m finished

    There’s a shocker.

  201. At some point, during dinner, reach across the table and gently hold her hands.

    Mention how smooth they are.

    Wink.

  202. Ask her, “does this look infected to you?”

  203. Battery is dying, and I’m finished

    Strangely enough, that kinda fits the topic.

  204. quote Teddy Roosevelt.

  205. Slowly, ever so slowly, unbutton your shirt during dinner.

  206. O/T: If I hear one more fucking stupid fucking fucked up sports commentator talk about fucking Katrina, I’m going to fucking puke.

  207. Though plastic surgery has improved by leaps and bounds over the last few decades, you should not bring this topic up on a first date.

    (Note: this rule is to be emphatically followed if you are not in any way connected to the field of plastic surgery.)

  208. Show her your iPhone. Ask her to show you her cell phone.

    Laugh at her for not being as cool as you.

  209. quote Teddy Roosevelt.

    Tell her she’s hot, but she’s no Eleanor Roosevelt.

  210. O/T: If I hear one more fucking stupid fucking fucked up sports commentator talk about fucking Katrina, I’m going to fucking puke.

    They’re talking about the Saints, huh?

    Watching last year’s Super Bowl was excruciating because of that shit.

  211. Explain to her, in exacting detail, how inaccurate CSI is, compared to real life.

  212. Wiser, I fucking swear every fucking stupid fucking fuck sports commentator talks about Katrina every fucking fucking fucked up motherfucking broadcast, no matter the sport or the city.

    Fucking morons. And not the good kind, either, like this high-class bunch.

  213. Mention how pretty her hair is.

    Offer to cut it for her.

  214. Get her name wrong repeatedly. This will give her ample opportunities to talk about herself.

  215. unbutton your shirt during dinner.

    My FIL did that at the rehearsal dinner. It’s in the pictures.

  216. Change your accent all night.

    This will show her how worldly you are.

  217. Tell her you learned everything you know about sex from xBrad.

  218. Get her name wrong repeatedly.

    When she corrects you, just wave your hand and say “yeah, whatever…”

  219. O/T: If I hear one more fucking stupid fucking fucked up sports commentator talk about fucking Katrina, I’m going to fucking puke.

    They don’t seem to mention 9/11 nearly as often. Funny, that.

  220. My FIL did that at the rehearsal dinner. It’s in the pictures.

    He talked about Katrina?

  221. Get her name wrong repeatedly

    Yup.

  222. In the middle of dinner, take out your cell phone and call a cab for her.

    Tell her that, if things work out, you’ll meet her at her place later.

  223. Sean, yeah, no shit. Some surprise there, huh?

  224. They don’t seem to mention 9/11 nearly as often. Funny, that.

    Gawrsh, it’s almost as if it never happened.

    I fucking hate ESPN.

  225. If you take her to a karaoke bar, pick “I Know What Boys Like” as your first song.

  226. Tell her it’s never happened before.

  227. big surprise that Keefums came from there, huh?

  228. If you take her to a karaoke bar, pick “I Know What Boys Like” as your first song.

    Or “It’s Raining Men.”

    Or “Afternoon Delight”

    Or “Classical Gas”

  229. KO is from NO? Perfect. The hellhole of the country gives rise the blow hole of the century.

    (See what I did there?)

  230. When she opens the door, fake an orgasm, then say “Thanks.” and walk away.

  231. KO is from NO? Perfect.

    I meant ESPN.

  232. If you take her to a karaoke bar, pick “I Know What Boys Like” as your first song.

    Or, “Johnny Are You Queer?”

  233. Um, Olby is from NY.

  234. Ask her what her favorite position is.

    Whatever she says, say “That’s DISGUSTING! But if you insist………”

  235. He’s still a blow hole.

  236. Ask her if she’s a Cowboys fan. Then ask her if she’s a loser.

    But I repeat myself.

  237. If you find out she doesn’t know how to make great banana pudding, tell her to hit the fraakin’ door and don’t look back!

  238. Offer to show her your triple-piston ass hammer.

  239. Keep sniffing your armpits every minute or so. You want to know right away if you’re giving off an offending odor.

  240. show her your triple-piston ass hammer

    Somebody’s had an interesting weekend.

  241. Ask her if she has a dick.

    When she (hopefully) says “No,” roll your eyes and say “Okay, I guess we should still go through with this anyway.”

  242. Ask her if she has a dick.

    When she (hopefully) says “No,” roll your eyes and say “Okay, I guess we should still go through with this anyway.” say to her, “Nice to meet you, Rosetta.”

  243. If, for some reason, she has to vomit in a dank, stinking alley, offer to hold her hair.

    OFFER TO HOLD HER HAIR FOREVER!

  244. Mention Marg Helgenberger.

    Constantly.

  245. Work on a crossword puzzle throughout dinner.

    Women like intelligent guys.

  246. Okay, kids, time for me to call it a night, but do not mourn: I have a new POL picture I will send this week.

  247. Reassure her that you’ll loosen the handcuffs if she’ll just stop crying.

  248. Tell her that her safe word is “yes!”

  249. I’m out.

    Perhaps more tomorrow.

    I hope Vmax was taking copious notes.

  250. Dig the hole together. Explain that it’s a team-building experience.

  251. Team building exercise ninety-niintinnne

  252. After she’s finally managed to nod off for a few minutes, come in and shout, “WAKEY WAKEY!”

  253. if #7 –
    then apply for some of this ground breaking stimulus money…. you’ll probably need it.

    http://www.datehookup.com/Thread-524067.htm

    (how to properly wash your junk)

  254. WAKEY WAKEY

    whut?

  255. You guys crack me up!

    This thread needs a “Go pee before reading / Finish up whatever you are eating and/or drinking” warning on it, though…….

  256. Mornin’

    This POS is still up?

  257. Happy Birthday, xBad!

  258. The Progressive Democrats bring the stupid……

    http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/24/opinion/24berman.html?_r=1&ref=opinion

  259. P.U. this poat is stanky!

    Happy Birthday sweet xbrad!!!!!! Loves you!

  260. Any praying types, please send some for John’s niece’s family. She died last night. Was 43 years old and leaves her husband and a 16-YO son and 11-YO daughter.

  261. Second, in the Senate, having a majority of 52 rather than 59 or 60 would force Democrats to confront the Republicans’ incessant misuse of the filibuster

    When, in the last 4 years, have the Republicans used the filibuster?

    Or is it just the threat of a filibuster that has the poor Democrats so askeered?

  262. Patty Ann how sad. I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers are coming that way.

  263. Dammmmiiitttt!!!!! I slept through another dandy thread.

    Here’s my extremely late, yet incredibly relevant, contribution:

    Ask her if her nipples are “innies” or “outies”.

  264. Hey TiFW, thanks for giving me a dose of stupid to start my week. That NYT writer is dumber than a bag of hammers. He needs to spend a summer or two working on a drilling rig in west Texas. That would smarten his ass up some.

    I kind of agree with him in one aspect though. It would be better if there were a much smaller number of idealogically pure democrats. But he’s thinking in terms of 52 senators and I’m thinking in terms of 25. I could live with 25 democatic senators. And being the generous motherfucker I am, I’d even allow them to keep a 100 or so idealogically pure dems in the house.

  265. Tell her you can recite her credit card number, her drive’s license number and her social security number from memory.

  266. PA, will do. So sorry to hear that news.

  267. I could live with 25 democatic senators.

    That many, huh? Wow, you are a more generous person than I am.

  268. Sorry, PA.

  269. pay for dinner in singles.

  270. Very sorry to hear that, PA. Prayers headed their way.

  271. That’s awful news PattyAnn. Hugs and prayers.

  272. Over dinner, inquire as to her preference for circumcised vs uncircumcised.

  273. That’s very sad PA. Was it unexpected?

  274. Tip the waitress generously, because “she’s so hot.”

    Attempt to get the waitresses phone number. In case things don’t work out between the two of you.

  275. this thread has become a little jolting

  276. Dear sweet Lord: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700075639/America-hasnt-improved-much-over-past-3-decades-Jimmy-Carter-says.html

    Zombie Ronald Reagan needs to kick his ass. Again.

  277. Filibuster. Huh?

    I want to see a list. We didn’t have enough heads in the caucus to even think about a filibuster in this congress until Brown was elected. And in the previous congress, the challenge was with a certain mavericky senator, along with the Maine sisters, etc.

    That’s just bullshit.

  278. Dear sweet Lord: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700075639/America-hasnt-improved-much-over-past-3-decades-Jimmy-Carter-says.html

    Well, to be honest, it really hasn’t for him. He was considered an abject failure then and he is still considered an abject failure today.

    This poor guy is so desperate to be taken seriously, I bet he would call a woman the same day he gets her phone number.

  279. I did some looking around and what they are calling a “filibuster” is actually the Republicans exercising their right to disagree. They are saying that here have been a record number of cloture votes, which is basically done to shut down debate.

    So Republicans wanting to debate = filibuster.

    Just when you thought the Dems couldn’t get anymore disingenuous….

  280. Fuck em.

    My .02

  281. Dems are not “disingenuous”. They are lying, cheating cocksuckers who will do anything to gain and retain political power.

  282. The filibuster will be patriotic once the Dems have to use it. MSNBC, NPR, NYT, will all run stories detailing the importance of it to our democracy. Now? Not so much.

    Oh, and Carter can suck it!

  283. Good Morning, you fine people. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

    PattyAnn, that’s simply awful. Prayers are on their way.

  284. Happy Birthday, Xbad.

    PattyAnn, what happened?

  285. Happy birthday, xbrad.

  286. I’m 44. If I last one more year, I get to marry PattyAnn.

  287. Happy birthday xBrad.

  288. Thanks, MJ.

    To celebrate this auspicious day (which is also St. Crispin’s Day) you should post hot pics of your wife.

  289. Happy birthday to you,
    Happy birthday to you,
    You look like a butt hamster,
    And you smell like one too!

  290. If I last one more year, I get to marry PattyAnn.

    What, so the two of you can apply for a group discount at the “broken and mangled body” repair shop (i.e. hospital)?

    Good morning, people (and MCPO, resident expert on the smell of butt hamsters).

  291. Happy birthday Xbrad. Perhaps I’ll send you something special in your email. Maybe you should check it every 10 minutes throughout the entire day?

  292. This just on the radio.

    The obama administration predicted taht the Stimulus bill would create 109,000 job in Michigan.

    We lost 124,000.

    DC was suppose to gain 12,000 jobs. It gained 18,900.

  293. Heheheh, Car in.

    If you send me something special, I’ll return the Favre favor.

  294. Wear an old-fashioned coin-changer on your belt.

    Women like men who are good with money.

  295. check your email, Car inl.

  296. OMG, Xbrad just send me the foulest picture.

    You should be ashamed.

  297. Oh my God, I am watching the most horrible thing ever. It’s Bob Filner, Gunny Pop’s opponent, in a debate.

    This is one of the most haplessly oily and weak performances I have ever seen.

    And Gunny, of course, is a God.

  298. Happy birthday, Brad. I’ll be in LQ in a few weeks and the first beer is on me.

  299. Is a beer really free if you have to spend time with Paulitics to get it?

  300. Could be worse. Could be two beers.

  301. If you show up in that suit and tie from your PoL, I’ll cut you.

  302. I announced last night, to great fanfare and huzzahs, that I have a new POL to send to the POL security person.

  303. email it to me, and I’ll update it sometime today, Paul.

  304. New Load HEAT is up:

    http://xbradtc.wordpress.com/2010/10/25/load-heat-106/

  305. Way to kill it xbrad.

  306. Hey Laura, how’s the stump?

  307. Saints Crispin and Crispinian are the Christian patron saints of cobblers, tanners, leather workers and, since it came into being, of the leather subculture

    Here’s your B-day pic , xBrad.

    http://is.gd/gi5N7

  308. My new washer and dryer are here. I’m thinking we are going to have to unstack them. You can’t see the window anymore and I demand lots of light throughout my home to keep my chia hair lush.

  309. St. Barbara is the patron saint of artillary. Just mentionin’

    http://www.suite101.com/content/st-barbara-patron-saint-of-arty-a38895

  310. The stump is getting smaller, Lipstick.
    At night it is gradually hollowing out and turning into a pile of ashes. Every morning more of it is gone, and there are little golden smoking embers inside.

    Damnedest thing I ever saw.

    Must be gnomes.

  311. Damnedest thing I ever saw.
    Must be gnomes.

    Scott is prolly sneaking out at night, after you’re sleep, and using a stump grinder on it.

  312. GREETINGS, ALL!!!!

    What the cooze stain is this spunk?

  313. Laura has her hump, and Scott has his stump.

    Sounds good to me.

  314. Saints Crispin and Crispinian are the Christian patron saints of cobblers, tanners, leather workers and, since it came into being, of the leather subculture potato chips, crackers, and other brittle foods

    FTFY,

  315. Pro tip: Pour diesel on the stump and let it soak in … repeat … It’ll burn the thing way down into the ground.

    Oh, DO NOT substitute gasoline for diesel. It burns kind of … ummmm … differently.

    * swaps Scott’s gasoline and diesel cans *

    * thinks “hold my beer and watch this shit” *

  316. Why do you call that feature “Load HEAT,” xbrad? As a life-long civilian, the name evokes images of a fresh pantload.

  317. BTW, xbrad, good choice on Watros. I am enamored of her womanly curves, particularly the ones above the waist.

  318. I dated a stump grinder once. ONCE!!

  319. I dated a stump grinder once. ONCE!!

    And John Bobbitt married one once. Once!

  320. Ace let his inner Allah out here: http://minx.cc/?post=307306

    Fucking pussy. We’re in the last ten days before the election, and he’s trusting polls? He knows the score on polls, especially in the red zone around election day. Ace is as reliable as the fucking rhythm method (Go, Team Catholic!!!) on this shit.

  321. I never understood why she didn’t drop that thing down the garbage disposal.

  322. I never understood why she didn’t drop that thing down the garbage disposal.

    It’s been a long, long time since that incident, and it still makes me cringe. That would only exacerbate my trauma, Hotspur. I’m thankful she didn’t – for my own sake. :-)

  323. Ace, there, is falling into the trap. Let’s demotivate everyone the week before the election.

    Start blaming people who didn’t do enough.

  324. For AoSHQ: http://theothermccain.com/2010/10/25/to-repeat-beware-of-polls/

  325. Ace, there, is falling into the trap. Let’s demotivate everyone the week before the election.

    Start blaming people who didn’t do enough.

    Yeppers. And it pisses me off. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through martial arts, it’s “don’t listen to what anyone says about a fight.” If you go in intimidated and listening to other people’s opinions, you’ll perform to expectations. Ace’s defeatist musings create an aura of loserness, and it fucking pisses me off.

  326. That model at the top of the page is stunning. Wiser has a good eye. I love exotic. And not-exotic. Basically, I love everyone designed genetically not to have a peen.

  327. Basically, I love everyone designed genetically not to have a peen.

    Liar. Here’s proof:

    Helen Thomas.
    Nancy Pelosi.
    Michelle Obama.
    The woman in beasn’s avatard.

  328. For Ace: http://tinyurl.com/24a9kzq

  329. Why hasn’t anyone brought up the fact that the Texas Rangers knocked the Yankees out?

  330. For the Cob-loggers: http://tinyurl.com/2cn8mly

  331. Ace’s defeatist musings create an aura of loserness, and it fucking pisses me off.
    ———————
    I just read the post and the thread. I don’t see it that way. I think he’s A) has a hypothesis B) used evidence to support it (although a bit shaky) and C) encouraged people to get involved.

    Take away A and B, which is all BS anyway and just fucking vote, people.

    I can’t imagine spinning 44 losses as acceptable, but they’ll try. It will probably go over just as well as, “the recession could have been worse.”

    “The election could have been worse?” Sure, but it was still pretty fucking bad…

  332. Ummm … guys, I believe the point of Ace’s post can be summed up in the immortal words of Winston Wolf: “Let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks quite yet.”

    This “wave” is isn’t just going to happen on its own. It requires hard work and money, all the way through November 2nd. And even that may not be enough.

    It’s not enough to say you want the Dems crushed, you have to go out and do it. And get everyone you know to join you.

    And if you’re not doing that, he’s right. You’re part of the problem.

  333. Sohos, we did – you were too busy anniversary-ing with Mr. Sohos to come up for air.

    PA, so sorry to hear about John’s niece. Were you expecting this, or was it sudden? Prayers going up for all affected.

    I’m worn out – I had a bone density test, went to see my neurologist, went by the bank, exchanged a couple of things, and had my annual mammogram. My muscles are yelling at me to STOP!!!!!!, so I’m here with you good people.

    Lunch!

  334. >> Why hasn’t anyone brought up the fact that the Texas Rangers knocked the Yankees out?

    Because:

    1) This was days ago
    B) We were talking about it as it happened; you weren’t here

  335. It’s never too late to hammer on the Yankees.

  336. It’s never too late to hammer on the Yankees.

    That’s what I was thinking ;)

  337. Yankees suck; GO RANGERS!

  338. Why hasn’t anyone brought up the fact that the Texas Rangers knocked the Yankees out?

    I LOVED IT!

    TX Rangers=Chris Rock!!!

  339. Thanks, everyone. They live in California and we don’t see them but about once a year. All I know is that when she wasn’t up this morning, her children went to wake her up and she wouldn’t and they called 911. The father’s been working out of town through the week to make money. Just a sad, sad, situation.

  340. Oh, and on the Ace thing, let me point out that he came up with this whole GOTV thing he’s doing and implemented it.

    He tried to get the GOP to push it, but those clueless bastards couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel. (See Contract For America, The)

    So he’s out doing it on his own, and I’d bet, but I don’t know for sure, that his “get your asses in the game” post is related to what he’s seeing in trying to get people on the ground to help out.

    Blog comments to the converted don’t win elections.

    Whether his effort to help turn this into a crushing defeat for the left is successful or not, I applaud him for doing more than just posting shit on the blog this time around.

  341. Hi Teresa,

    Catwoman is Celiac too and we have some GREAT bread recipes. She was a chemist and she has done A LOT of R&D work on the bread problem and come up with a terrific bread maker proof recipe. Beats the everlivin’ tar out of the Red mill stuff.. So email me yo’ number and I will call and send the recipes for the bread. It is Milk free too!

    BTW… Been real busy.. The economy must be loosening up or the wave is being anticipated because people are back to buying kittens. So sorry for the lurk..

  342. Ah, and I see he has a new post up over there.

  343. The woman in beasn’s avatard.

    Why you hatin’ on my morning self?

  344. I just read the post and the thread. I don’t see it that way. I think he’s A) has a hypothesis B) used evidence to support it (although a bit shaky) and C) encouraged people to get involved.

    Ummm … guys, I believe the point of Ace’s post can be summed up in the immortal words of Winston Wolf: “Let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks quite yet.”

    Ace listens to an admittedly left-leaning poll analyst and immediately sacrifices 40% of his enthusiasm.

    Nate Silver can be trusted, in the main — he’s objective when it comes to poll analysis, even though he tilts liberal.

    So when he concludes the Republicans are in for a “pretty good night” but not the huge night we’d been hoping for, you can trust that.

    And the reason? A lot of people are sitting on their goddamned asses waiting for things to change instead of fulfilling their patriotic duties as American citizens and making the change happen.

    Based on this analysis I am giving up on my big predictions and scaling back to something like 44 seats or so. We will lose all the close races (we always do), and people like Ruth McClung and Sean Bielat will lose. Only the lock seats will come through for us.

    That’s not a contingent sacrifice, he just up and gave up a significant portion of his enthusiasm. He makes no qualifiers and he shows no optimism for anything beyond the 44 he’s calling. He also resigns himself to losses in the close races. That’s bullshit and defeatist in my book, and it’s fucking shameful.

    Yeah, Ace, I’m fucking pissed at you. You want to help? Be a fucking motivator, not a wet blanket. Motivators don’t fucking bury their own enthusiam two hours after a premature death notice. His point on that post is chicken shit.

  345. And, for the record, I took tomorrow afternoon off from work to go do GOTV stuff. I’m not part of the problem.

    Well, maybe I am.

    But not because I didn’t do any GOTV stuff.

  346. Somebody put up a new poat, woodja? This one smells of canker sores and hump wax.

  347. >> Yeah, Ace, I’m fucking pissed at you.

    He doesn’t read the H2. Hell, he doesn’t even read AoSHQ. And for fuck’s sake, focus your anger on the enemy.

    Also, read his current post on the topic that doesn’t force you to read between the lines for the point he’s trying to make.

  348. . And for fuck’s sake, focus your anger on the enemy.

    I have. And I see enthusiasm-suckers in our midst as enemies, too, even if they’re ostensibly on our own side. Ace has done a yeoman’s work regarding GOTV, and I’ll give him props for that. I also have no problem criticizing him for sabotaging his own work, which he also just did.

    I read the new post. Whatever. Color me unimpressed. Damage done. If he wanted to clarify his previous post, he should have updated that post.

  349. What damage was done?

  350. You guys are harshing my mellow.

  351. I’m STILL waiting for naughty pics of Car in to show up in my gmail….

  352. New poat.

  353. The commenters on AOS are going to vote R anyway. The point was to build participation in GOTV.

    Oh fuck it. I’m not arguing with anyone anymore. We’re going to win and win big. So is xbrad’s mellow.

  354. Sorry, birthday boy. I usually let the Ace bashfest go.

    I will say, though, that if folks want to fight with him, the HQ would be a better venue than here.


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