Let’s do a SaTURDay night joke thread. I just noticed that the word Saturday has the word “turd” in it. I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!!!
Hopefully Ass Penny, wiser and mesa will check in as they are necessary for sheer comment volume and also for making me cry.
I’ll start the thread off with this quartet (quartet means”three” in Urdu) of the Worst Excuses For Your Poor Sexual Performance.
1) Butt-plug exploded while in rectum
2) Grandma woke up
3) Gerbil wasn’t fresh
Ok GO!!!!!!
August 2, 2008
Categories: Adults In Diapers, Christmas cheer, Chubs, Poo flinging monkeys, bacon, booze, man-lesbians . . Author: Rosetta
391 Comments
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Batteries were old.
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Rosetta talked during the act.
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The rufie wore off.
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Bea Arthur is speaking on NPR
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Lindsay Lohan showed up naked. . . with her girlfriend!
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I put my hand in the organic peanut butter smeared on the mini-van seat.
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Water was cold.
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The cock of the shotgun in my ear killed the mood.
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Couldn’t find the hand lotion
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The three year old tapping on my back and saying “You’re not doing it right” gave me performance anxiety.
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Her cat was licking my scrotum
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She kept calling out the neighbor’s name.
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She kept calling out her dad’s name.
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Rosetta’s date had to be back to the half-way house before midnight.
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The electronic bracet on her ankle kept slapping my back.
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I had a headache
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–
–
–
what? -
My parole officer asked if he could watch
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She ate hot peppers before giving me head.
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She fell and broke her hip
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She wore braces.
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She kept hitting her head on the steering wheel.
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She danced for me
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She kept asking Rosetta “Is it in yet?”
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She got her high heel stuck in her hoop earing
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She got her high heel stuck in her hoop earing
That’s happened to you, too?
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She showed me her knife collection.
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mesa found out she wasn’t a “real” red head.
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“She walked like a woman but talked like a man”
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The hour was up and the hotel manager kept pounding on the door and yelling.
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Crank wore his uniform
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She kept looking at her watch and saying “Hurry up! The Fleet comes in an hour!”
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She didn’t look like her photo on Match*dot*Com
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She brought her “homies” on the “date”
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She showed me pictures of her “vacation”
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She kept saying that the pennies smelled funny.
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If wiser doesn’t show up soon, I’m gonna use Daddy’s Fingers myself.
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She saw the golf clubs in my trunk and said “C3PO?”
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SHe kept repeating over and over and over again, “Mine are bigger.”
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But the question is: Who’s Daddy’s Fingers?
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It was the “Hello Kitty” bedspread
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She was wearing a “Clone Wars” nightie
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She took one look at my paunch and said, “Are you a Buddha or BIW?”
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She wouldn’t take off her Brewer’s ballcap
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Airdale found out “She’s a man, Baby!”
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Apropos to nothing, speaking of Drowning Pool, y’all need to check out this video. Surprisingly, DP seems to be supportive of the Armed Services (I say “surprisingly” because most rock bands are either neutral or anti-war)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4W3XCuRjTSY&NR=1Whoop!
Hmmm. DP.
My contribution to the thread: She wasn’t a fan of DP.
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She said wiser gave he the blisters.
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She kept correcting my grammar. (I didn’t know M’oon had a sister!)
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She refused to smoke mesa’s meat.
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Brad was excited until he realized that her combat boots were nicer than his.
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She asked me to explain what a “Cleveland Steamer” was. . . I did.
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OK. I’m gonna go watch a movie now.
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Look, those phone calls from my homeboys were important, I had to take them.
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She smelled like Cheetos and ham.
If only she’d smelled like bacon.
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She had a buffalo-head nickel stuck on her forehead
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Come on now, MCPO could have thought of buffalo nickel completely on his own BiW
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!
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His penis was crooked.
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He had this one squinty eye and was always talking about spinach.
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I ams what I ams!
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MCPO, Musli, good videos, Thanks.
and
When I saw it I ran screaming out of the room! -
She was wearing orthopedic high heels
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His penis was crooked.
Look who’s pretending to high standards and stuff!
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Her glass eye ended up in my navel
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He said he said he could only breathe if he wore his snorkel and mask
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She had the Starland Vocal Band on a continuous loop.
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Look who’s pretending to high standards and stuff!
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She kept asking Airdale to kiss her where it smells, so he drove her to New Jersey.
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He said he said he could only breathe if he wore his snorkel and mask
WAIT! That’s insulting me isn’t it? I retract! I retract!
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She kept wanting to show her Strawberry Shortcake collection.
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She thought it was cool to dress like Holly Hobbie.
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He was upset that my feet were bigger than his.
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She thought playing World of Warcraft was foreplay.
It’s not?
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She didn’t want to take her Star Trek uniform off.
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The 2X4 kept falling off the back of his ass
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My contribution to the thread: She wasn’t a fan of DP.
She didn’t like double penetration? Well,some chicks aren’t into that…
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Her farts smelled like burritos.
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Her mustache was much fuller than mine
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She kept saying, “Charlieeee, come to the candy mountain Charlieeee.”
And since your name is Cyril…
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‘I’ve got to get you back before curfew’
‘Don’t worry, my dad’s the base commander’
–this actually happened to 2Lt phat (a long time ago).
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She kept asking me, “GI, you have cigarette?”
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He was upset that I didn’t puke on the first date.
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I couldn’t figure out what to do with her tail.
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She kept asking Rosetta “Are you done yet?”
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He kept comparing my brazilian wax to his
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She couldn’t figure out what to do with my tail
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She said she couldn’t wait until September, she was looking forward to being a freshman. . . in High School
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He insisted I let his chicken watch
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She kept playing this when we had sex.
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She ran out of Saran Wrap
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He thinks this is hilarious
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OT:
The best thing I’ve seen on the tubes this week: Dr Horribles sing-a-long blog!
It’s by Joss Whedon, if you’re a fan of Buffy and Firefly.
Links to the various episodes can be found here:
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He licks my teeth when we kiss
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I really need to check out Firefly phat. I hear it’s pretty good and I have the link where I can watch all the episodes to that and Arrested Development. I better do it before I start school
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He insists on chewing tobacco
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<iPJ, You have teeth?
My bad
He licks my teeth dentures when we kiss
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I let her pick the restaraunt:
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She had this song on the radio
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I don’t ONLY eat ants baby.
If you know what I mean and I think you do…
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If you know what I mean and I think you do…
You like uncles too?
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He wouldn’t remove his colostomy bag
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Her stocking were stenciled with, “Compliments of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment”
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Sorry, hostages the wife is summoning my to the ‘performance chamber’.
I’ll have a real-world excuse for you in about 15 minutes…tops.
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He said he said I looked an awful lot like his sister.
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He looked exactly like my brother…………….and I liked it.
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Sorry for the typos..I’m strangely excited–now I have to go.
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hahaha, phat you’re cracking me up
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found next to the video on fries that BiW gave us:
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PA- It was me with the thick hair, soulful eyes and the 29″ waist.
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Uhhhhhh. . . nevermind
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His scrotum was bigger than my head
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She was wearing a “Hardball” tee-shirt
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He said I could never make his leg tingle like Obama does.
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He didn’t like the Charlie the Unicorn video I showed him 20 times
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He didn’t make enough money
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She wasn’t quite the Monica Berlucci type I’m used to
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She was a greedy bitch.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
.
.
.jerk
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He insisted on watching Sex in the City
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He made me eat a crawdad scallop on a blue tortilla chip appetizer.
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She wore a bacon bikini and I didn’t get around to looking at her
http://images.tribe.net/tribe/upload/photo/50e/1f8/50e1f880-b552-490d-b6d3-37d3c60281b4 -
His nickname was Twinkle Toes
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She insisted on watching “The L Word”
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She had every episode of “Sea Hunt” on BetaMax
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She did not
you just think she didshe’ll never admit it
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She had no idea who Kaylee Frye was
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I have no idea who Kaylee Frye is/was
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See? Now I’m totally flaccid.
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Sorry ma’am. No excuse, ma’am. Won’t happen again, ma’am.
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stupid scallop, I thought it was a crawdad
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His dog kept scraping his butt on my floor
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He didn’t understand that she never gets to watch anything but Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network
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He didn’t understand why wickedpinto had to call me every night at 3 in the morning
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took care of it pa
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..and I’m back. Sad thing is the wife’s asleep. Good thing is Seth Rogen is on SNL.
At least i got some shower sex earlier today.
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She kept telling me her name was, “PartyAnn”
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I”m proud of you phat. You knocked her out so you could return to us.
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Rosetta’s GF said:
‘How cute! it’s like a real penis, only smaller.’
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PJM,
Naw, I’m flying nights this week, so my sleep cycle is a bit different from the rest of the fam’s.
I’ll stay up for another hour or two then force/medicate myself to sleep.
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He told me he wanted 4 more kids.
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pjm,
have you watched all three episodes of dr. horrible yet?
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SHe yelled, “Beat me, bite me, make me write bad checks!!” I couldn’t find her checkbook.
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I don’t even know what dr. horrible is? what is it?
The only thing I’ve managed to watch lately is Psyche, which I like
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She kept calling me ‘Capt Hammer’
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She kept calling me, “Pee-Wee”
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pjm,
follow the link. Watch the episodes in order, WARNING: it’s a musical starring Neil Patrick Harris!!!!
This link will get you to a place to see the vids:
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He said his name was xbradtc
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thanks phat, I’ll have to add that to my firefly queue
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He didn’t like bacon
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xbradtc,
I fly 737’s for UAL and the C-40C (they’re basically the same airplane) for the Air Force reserves.
I’m on military leave from the airline, doing an extented active duty tour.
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Phat – pilot or aviator?
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He said he wanted a 3-some with janet reno
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She wouldn’t let me do a weight and balance report before takeoff!
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She thought my “slip-stick” was something completely different
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MCPO,
I’m a pilot.
Took me a bit to figure out what you meant, but I’m a USAFA grad…= slow.
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Her CG was way out of the aft limit!
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phat – Loadmaster on airplanes that were out of service before you graduated!
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Her My wig fell off.
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brad,
I loved me some Ft. Carson girls back in the day.
MCPO,
I flew C-141’s and then C-5’s for most of my career. I know lots about loadsmashers.
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“Fragile” means don’t drop more than 6′, right?
C-1A – C-131 – C-2 – UC-12B
My motto:”It will all fit if given enough velocity!”
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Gents, I need to retire to the thread below and think sweet, dirty thoughts about the gov of Alaska.
I know you’ll understand.
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The coupon was expired
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He only had decaf coffee
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Bushmcchimpyhaliburton
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He asked me to put my drain back in
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The War Machine
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the conspicuous lack of ottomans
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his apple had a worm in it
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he had a little something right……….there
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I’m not double jointed
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he was
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He said he just got back from this
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Bill Cosby
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Kept thinking about Mother
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kept thinking about unicles
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side effects from my vicodin addiction
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kept poking me with his pointer finger and saying
Hey! Hey! Hey Lady, watch me do this! Hey lady, count how long I can hold my breath under water!
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See? Now I’m totally flaccid.
And??? I’d be a Hell of a lot more worried if you were totally turgid.
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dead
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he kept mumbling something about, ‘puddintane ask me again I’ll tell ya the same” alternated by, “john brown ask me again I’ll knock you down”
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It was Rosetta’s turn in the barrel.
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She had a revolting fascination with taints.
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working with half a weenie, here
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Rich’s hand wasn’t interested.
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can’t reach the hoo-hoo
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she queefed the lyrics to Duke Lion
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she queefed the lyrics to Duke Lion
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh that killed me
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He didn’t look like ALL the other dudes on the dollar bill
there’s lots of them you know
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he wasn’t ed gruberman
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are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet?
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he told me again he preferred handsome men, but for me he would make an exception
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am I in yet is different than are you in yet?
and mesa did she popped last night
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are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet?
After every thrust, partner said “O RLY?”
Reminds me of Eddie Murphy’s stand-up when pretended to be the Asian couple: “Are you in yet? Are you sure you got one?”
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he told me he had diabeetus and that his name was wilford
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accidentally thought about rosetta
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kept trying to push the fat woman down but she wouldn’t go down
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Sorry I missed the fun. Does this look infected to you?
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Apparently doggie-style doesn’t mean peeing on the chick and burying her in the backyard.
/shrugs
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This is supposed to be worst excuses for your poor sexual performance, not your turn ons.
sometimes I get confused
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She kept screaming “Ohhhhhbama!”
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She kept saying “That’s not how my brother does it.”
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He tasted like ear wax
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her bush looked like Carrot Top
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She didn’t like my ringtone — http://www.phonezoo.com/arab___XQC9uyrwzDg___Ringtone.htm
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She didn’t like my ringtone —
HAHAHAHAHAHA! That was hysterical
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Well, Achmed the Dead Terrorist’s five minutes were up, and he still needed to eat…
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He didn’t dig my chili
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hah, did you notice the commercial just says, “extraordinary snack” now? they took out the nut
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Oh too funny. I only see the nuts free one
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Oh too funny. I only see the nuts free one
Stop dating girls.
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Was disturbed by the medical examiner
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Her hysterectomy scar spelled out a crude word
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There was a soccer overtime on TV
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I was listening to the soundtrack from “Cast Away”
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She said I looked just like Justin Timberlake in the video for “Bringing Sexy Back”
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The Beer was old. Speaking of which, I guess C3PO will be happy about this:
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The beer was old. Speaking of old beer, this should make C3PO’s day:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25970479/ -
Holy Crap!!!!11! This is HUGE!!!!
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Holy Crap!!!!11! This is HUGE!!!!
http://cas.bellarmine.edu/tietjen/RootWeb/CheneyRobot.gif
Rosetta didn’t get the memo…. eight frikken years ago.
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Would someone get my beer comment out of the spam filter please?
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she won’t say yes to Hot Lunch
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She was starting to rot a bit.
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She tazed my balls
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She laughed hysterically when I asked, “What can brown do for you?”
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BIW – Here is the beer we drank in H.S.
http://www.beercollections.com/Breweries/Pennsylvania/Images/IM387118.gif
Yes, the drinking age was 18.
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“So…what happened to your last husband?” – Patty Ann
I can’t believe you all even attempted to beat this one.
Sorry, 380 or so comments and not one better than this.
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had a raging boner and she said “want me to suck it till it gets hard?”
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Missed mouth; hit dress.
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missed dress; hit Bill C .
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Missed Bill C., hit PJM
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A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:Husband wanted:
– must be in my age group (70s)
– must not beat me
– must not run around with other women
– must still be good in bed!
All applicants, please apply in person.On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you… you have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted. “You don’t have any arms either!”
Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed?”The old man leaned back, smiled and said,
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he siad how do you think i rang the doorbell?
