Worst Excuses For Your Poor Sexual Performance

Let’s do a SaTURDay night joke thread.  I just noticed that the word Saturday has the word “turd” in it.  I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!!!

Hopefully Ass Penny, wiser and mesa will check in as they are necessary for sheer comment volume and also for making me cry.

I’ll start the thread off with this quartet (quartet means”three” in Urdu) of the Worst Excuses For Your Poor Sexual Performance.

1) Butt-plug exploded while in rectum

2) Grandma woke up

3) Gerbil wasn’t fresh

Ok GO!!!!!!

August 2, 2008
Categories: Adults In Diapers, Christmas cheer, Chubs, Poo flinging monkeys, bacon, booze, man-lesbians . . Author: Rosetta

391 Comments

  1. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:00 pm

    *intentionally leaves something involving “daddy’s fingers” for wiserbud*

  2. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:00 pm

    Goat got scared

  3. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:06 pm

    Diaper was full

  4. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:07 pm

    Sand in vagina AND anus

  5. Batteries were old.

  6. Rosetta talked during the act.

  7. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:09 pm

    72nd virgin not as hot as other 71

  8. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 9:09 pm

    The rufie wore off.

  9. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:10 pm

    Chris Hansen

  10. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:11 pm

    Prosthetic penis fell off

  11. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:13 pm

    Bea Arthur is speaking on NPR

  12. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:14 pm

    Cop drove by

  13. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:14 pm

    Lindsay Lohan showed up naked. . . with her girlfriend!

  14. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:15 pm

    Candlewax too hot

  15. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:15 pm

    I put my hand in the organic peanut butter smeared on the mini-van seat.

  16. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:17 pm

    “You’re a fat slut” apparently not acceptable dirty talk

  17. Water was cold.

  18. The cock of the shotgun in my ear killed the mood.

  19. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:18 pm

    Diarrhea

  20. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:18 pm

    Couldn’t find the hand lotion

  21. The three year old tapping on my back and saying “You’re not doing it right” gave me performance anxiety.

  22. Comment by BrewFan on August 2, 2008 9:20 pm

    I woke up.

  23. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:20 pm

    The cock of the shotgun in my ear killed the mood.

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    I have to go out for dinner so I’ll be back in a few hours with a few cocktails under my belt.

    I think this will be a good thread.

  24. Comment by Rosetta on August 2, 2008 9:20 pm

    Blind date was Helen Thomas

  25. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:20 pm

    Her cat was licking my scrotum

  26. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 9:21 pm

    “You’re starting to look like Kerry-Marie!”

  27. She kept calling out the neighbor’s name.

  28. Comment by BrewFan on August 2, 2008 9:22 pm

    When Mrs. BrewFan asked, “who’s PattyAnn?”

  29. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:23 pm

    She kept calling out her dad’s name.

  30. Rosetta’s date had to be back to the half-way house before midnight.

  31. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 9:24 pm

    Brew! LAMO! (LAMO is what PJM and I say to each other because LMAO is so ordinary)

  32. The electronic bracet on her ankle kept slapping my back.

  33. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 9:25 pm

    I had a headache





    what?

  34. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:26 pm

    My parole officer asked if he could watch

  35. She ate hot peppers before giving me head.

  36. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:27 pm

    She fell and broke her hip

  37. She wore braces.

  38. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 9:29 pm

    “So…what happened to your last husband?”

  39. She kept hitting her head on the steering wheel.

  40. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:29 pm

    She danced for me

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W47DZ9Me1MI

  41. She kept asking Rosetta “Is it in yet?”

  42. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:29 pm

    She got her high heel stuck in her hoop earing

  43. She got her high heel stuck in her hoop earing

    That’s happened to you, too?

  44. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 9:32 pm

    “She got her high heel stuck in her hoop earing”

    Hahahaha

  45. She showed me her knife collection.

  46. mesa found out she wasn’t a “real” red head.

  47. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:33 pm

    “She walked like a woman but talked like a man”

  48. The hour was up and the hotel manager kept pounding on the door and yelling.

  49. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:36 pm

    Crank wore his uniform

    http://media.tumblr.com/q7pJ4fm1Javnal2hQ8ssrVp1_400.jpg

  50. She kept looking at her watch and saying “Hurry up! The Fleet comes in an hour!”

  51. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 9:41 pm

    Heh, I really did sleep with a girl wearing the electronic ankle bracelet. And it really was disconcerting. And the parole officer did show up (afterwards).

  52. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:47 pm

    She didn’t look like her photo on Match*dot*Com

    http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/471359/2/istockphoto_471359_woman_with_paper_bag_over_her_head.jpg

  53. Comment by cranky on August 2, 2008 9:47 pm

    Nice quartet of three Rosetta.

  54. Comment by cranky on August 2, 2008 9:48 pm

    Nothing wrong with me.

  55. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 9:50 pm

    The 2 girls forgot their cup.

  56. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:50 pm

    She brought her “homies” on the “date”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2Chdw_kAdI

  57. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:52 pm

    She showed me pictures of her “vacation”

    http://www.drsumanslasercosmeticsurgery.com/beforenafter/images/mini%20tummy%20tuck/tummy_tuck_1377.jpg

  58. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 9:53 pm

    Her tramp stamp said “Rosetta”.

  59. She kept saying that the pennies smelled funny.

  60. If wiser doesn’t show up soon, I’m gonna use Daddy’s Fingers myself.

  61. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 9:56 pm

    She was a cutter. During sex. On ME!

  62. She saw the golf clubs in my trunk and said “C3PO?”

  63. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 9:57 pm

    SHe kept repeating over and over and over again, “Mine are bigger.”

  64. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 9:57 pm

    BIW, I just bet you would use Daddy’s fingers, you sick fuck.

  65. But the question is: Who’s Daddy’s Fingers?

  66. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 10:03 pm

    It was the “Hello Kitty” bedspread

  67. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:04 pm

    The razor stubble on her back kept chafing me.

  68. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 10:04 pm

    She was wearing a “Clone Wars” nightie

  69. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 10:06 pm

    She took one look at my paunch and said, “Are you a Buddha or BIW?”

  70. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 10:07 pm

    She wouldn’t take off her Brewer’s ballcap

  71. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:08 pm

    She keeps talking about how successful the “operation” was.

  72. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:09 pm

    The drain plug fell out.

  73. Airdale found out “She’s a man, Baby!”

  74. Comment by Muslihoon on August 2, 2008 10:09 pm

    Apropos to nothing, speaking of Drowning Pool, y’all need to check out this video. Surprisingly, DP seems to be supportive of the Armed Services (I say “surprisingly” because most rock bands are either neutral or anti-war)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4W3XCuRjTSY&NR=1

    Whoop!

    Hmmm. DP.

    My contribution to the thread: She wasn’t a fan of DP.

  75. She said wiser gave he the blisters.

  76. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:10 pm

    She made me go get a sammich.

  77. She kept correcting my grammar. (I didn’t know M’oon had a sister!)

  78. She refused to smoke mesa’s meat.

  79. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 10:13 pm

    Mace.

  80. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:13 pm

    She wanted me to yell out “Hope and Change” during sex.

  81. Brad was excited until he realized that her combat boots were nicer than his.

  82. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 10:24 pm

    She asked me to explain what a “Cleveland Steamer” was. . . I did.

  83. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:30 pm

    The snoring interfered with my concentration.

  84. OK. I’m gonna go watch a movie now.

  85. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:31 pm

    She smelled like Cheetos and ham.

  86. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 10:31 pm

    Look, those phone calls from my homeboys were important, I had to take them.

  87. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 10:32 pm

    She smelled like Cheetos and ham.

    If only she’d smelled like bacon.

  88. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:32 pm

    Her dog always had peanut butter breath.

  89. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:35 pm

    She tazed me, bro.

  90. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 10:35 pm

    She had a buffalo-head nickel stuck on her forehead

  91. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:37 pm

    Her dad kept trying to kiss me on the mouth.

  92. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 10:38 pm

    MCPO’s been reading other blogs…

    she kept visiting IB.

  93. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 10:38 pm

    Come on now, MCPO could have thought of buffalo nickel completely on his own BiW

  94. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 10:41 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!

  95. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 10:41 pm

    His penis was crooked.

  96. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 10:42 pm

    Her ass tasted like pennies…

  97. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 10:44 pm

    He had this one squinty eye and was always talking about spinach.

  98. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 10:46 pm

    I ams what I ams!

  99. Comment by Vmaximus on August 2, 2008 10:47 pm

    MCPO, Musli, good videos, Thanks.
    and
    When I saw it I ran screaming out of the room!

  100. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 10:52 pm

    She was wearing orthopedic high heels

  101. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:52 pm

    She wouldn’t take her prosthetic leg off.

  102. His penis was crooked.

    Look who’s pretending to high standards and stuff!

  103. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 10:54 pm

    Her glass eye ended up in my navel

  104. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 10:55 pm

    He said he said he could only breathe if he wore his snorkel and mask

  105. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 10:55 pm

    She had the Starland Vocal Band on a continuous loop.

  106. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 10:55 pm

    Look who’s pretending to high standards and stuff!

    :P

  107. She kept asking Airdale to kiss her where it smells, so he drove her to New Jersey.

  108. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:56 pm

    She wouldn’t put down the fried chicken bucket.

  109. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 10:57 pm

    He said he said he could only breathe if he wore his snorkel and mask

    WAIT! That’s insulting me isn’t it? I retract! I retract!

  110. She kept wanting to show her Strawberry Shortcake collection.

  111. She thought it was cool to dress like Holly Hobbie.

  112. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 10:58 pm

    She thought playing World of Warcraft was foreplay.

  113. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 10:58 pm

    He was upset that my feet were bigger than his.

  114. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 10:59 pm

    She thought playing World of Warcraft was foreplay.

    It’s not?

  115. She didn’t want to take her Star Trek uniform off.

  116. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 10:59 pm

    The 2X4 kept falling off the back of his ass

  117. My contribution to the thread: She wasn’t a fan of DP.

    She didn’t like double penetration? Well,some chicks aren’t into that…

  118. Her farts smelled like burritos.

  119. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 11:04 pm

    She kept saying, “Charlieeee, come to the candy mountain Charlieeee.”

  120. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 11:05 pm

    Her mustache was much fuller than mine

  121. She kept saying, “Charlieeee, come to the candy mountain Charlieeee.”

    And since your name is Cyril…

  122. Comment by phat on August 2, 2008 11:06 pm

    ‘I’ve got to get you back before curfew’

    ‘Don’t worry, my dad’s the base commander’

    –this actually happened to 2Lt phat (a long time ago).

  123. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 11:06 pm

    She kept asking me, “GI, you have cigarette?”

  124. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:06 pm

    He was upset that I didn’t puke on the first date.

  125. Comment by phat on August 2, 2008 11:09 pm

    I couldn’t figure out what to do with her tail.

  126. She kept asking Rosetta “Are you done yet?”

  127. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:10 pm

    He kept comparing my brazilian wax to his

  128. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 11:10 pm

    She couldn’t figure out what to do with my tail

  129. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 11:12 pm

    she was upset I puked on the first date. On her new shoes.

  130. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 11:12 pm

    She said she couldn’t wait until September, she was looking forward to being a freshman. . . in High School

  131. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:12 pm

    He insisted I let his chicken watch

  132. She kept playing this when we had sex.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RfAmdTa4W8

  133. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 11:15 pm

    She was once a BBF model.

  134. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 11:16 pm

    She ran out of Saran Wrap

  135. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:16 pm

    He thinks this is hilarious

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYRJnLguhfk

  136. Comment by phat on August 2, 2008 11:16 pm

    OT:

    The best thing I’ve seen on the tubes this week: Dr Horribles sing-a-long blog!

    It’s by Joss Whedon, if you’re a fan of Buffy and Firefly.

    Links to the various episodes can be found here:

    http://blowingsmokethemovie.com/

  137. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:16 pm

    He licks my teeth when we kiss

  138. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:18 pm

    I really need to check out Firefly phat. I hear it’s pretty good and I have the link where I can watch all the episodes to that and Arrested Development. I better do it before I start school

  139. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 11:18 pm

    PJ, You have teeth?

  140. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:18 pm

    He insists on chewing tobacco

  141. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:19 pm

    <iPJ, You have teeth?

    My bad

    He licks my teeth dentures when we kiss

  142. Comment by phat on August 2, 2008 11:20 pm

    Back on topic:

    ..but you’re an anteater!

  143. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 11:20 pm

    She had this song on the radio

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap-OO0xqTe4

  144. Comment by cranky on August 2, 2008 11:21 pm

    Her grandmother wanted to make it a threesome.

  145. Comment by phat on August 2, 2008 11:21 pm

    I don’t ONLY eat ants baby.

    If you know what I mean and I think you do…

  146. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:22 pm

    If you know what I mean and I think you do…

    You like uncles too?

  147. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:22 pm

    He wouldn’t remove his colostomy bag

  148. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 11:25 pm

    Her stocking were stenciled with, “Compliments of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment”

  149. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 11:33 pm

    She kept singing Anchors Aweigh.

  150. Comment by phat on August 2, 2008 11:33 pm

    Sorry, hostages the wife is summoning my to the ‘performance chamber’.

    I’ll have a real-world excuse for you in about 15 minutes…tops.

  151. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:33 pm

    He said he said I looked an awful lot like his sister.

  152. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:34 pm

    He looked exactly like my brother…………….and I liked it.

  153. Comment by phat on August 2, 2008 11:35 pm

    Sorry for the typos..I’m strangely excited–now I have to go.

  154. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:35 pm

    hahaha, phat you’re cracking me up

  155. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 11:39 pm

    found next to the video on fries that BiW gave us:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y09NZUQN4rI

  156. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 11:39 pm

    Hey! Starland Vocal Band’s only popular song was during my most active sexual gratification era.

  157. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 11:39 pm

    C3PO? That was you??

  158. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 11:41 pm

    Is phat back yet?

  159. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 11:41 pm

    PA, Wednesday, July 6th, 1977?

  160. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 11:42 pm

    Well, Wednesday afternoon, at least.

  161. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 11:42 pm

    Is phat back yet?

    His three minutes aren’t up yet.

  162. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 11:42 pm

    xbrad, you were there too?

  163. Comment by xbradtc on August 2, 2008 11:43 pm

    I was 11…

  164. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 11:44 pm

    She popped.

  165. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 11:44 pm

    Wasn’t you, then.

  166. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 11:45 pm

    PA- It was me with the thick hair, soulful eyes and the 29″ waist.

  167. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 11:46 pm

    John? I’ve missed you.

  168. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 11:47 pm

    Uhhhhhh. . . nevermind

  169. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 11:50 pm

    I asked her to get me a sammich and she came back with a bean sprout lawash.

  170. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:51 pm

    His scrotum was bigger than my head

  171. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 11:51 pm

    Hahaha, Oh, 29″ WAIST. Sorry I confused you two.

  172. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 11:53 pm

    “His scrotum was bigger than my head”

    You guys are killing me.

  173. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 11:53 pm

    She watches Olbermann.

  174. Comment by PattyAnn on August 2, 2008 11:54 pm

    He is Olbermann

  175. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 2, 2008 11:55 pm

    She was wearing a “Hardball” tee-shirt

  176. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:55 pm

    He said I could never make his leg tingle like Obama does.

  177. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:56 pm

    He didn’t like the Charlie the Unicorn video I showed him 20 times

  178. Comment by pajama momma on August 2, 2008 11:57 pm

    He didn’t make enough money

  179. Comment by mesablue on August 2, 2008 11:58 pm

    She was a greedy bitch.

  180. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:00 am

    She wasn’t quite the Monica Berlucci type I’m used to

  181. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:02 am

    She was a greedy bitch.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    .
    .
    .

    jerk

  182. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 12:02 am

    I found tofu bacon in her refrigerator.

  183. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 12:03 am

    She ate the last chicken wing.

  184. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:04 am

    He had a dog-eared copy of “Hot To Break Bitches” in his car.

  185. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 12:04 am

    She made me put down the remote.

  186. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:06 am

    He insisted on watching Sex in the City

  187. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:06 am

    He made me eat a crawdad scallop on a blue tortilla chip appetizer.

  188. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 12:06 am

    Her nickname was “Snowball.”

  189. Comment by xbradtc on August 3, 2008 12:07 am

    She wore a bacon bikini and I didn’t get around to looking at her
    http://images.tribe.net/tribe/upload/photo/50e/1f8/50e1f880-b552-490d-b6d3-37d3c60281b4

  190. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:07 am

    His nickname was Twinkle Toes

  191. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:07 am

    She insisted on watching “The L Word”

  192. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 12:07 am

    She ate a scallop on blue tortilla chip appetizer.

  193. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 12:09 am

    She edited her comments.

  194. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:09 am

    She had every episode of “Sea Hunt” on BetaMax

  195. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:10 am

    She did not
    you just think she did

    she’ll never admit it

  196. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:11 am

    She had no idea who Kaylee Frye was

  197. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:12 am

    I have no idea who Kaylee Frye is/was

  198. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:13 am

    I just think she did too.

  199. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:13 am

    See? Now I’m totally flaccid.

  200. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:14 am

    “Now I’m totally flaccid.”

    Who made you a Hostage?

  201. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 12:14 am

    She never watched Firefly.

  202. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:15 am

    Sorry ma’am. No excuse, ma’am. Won’t happen again, ma’am.

  203. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:16 am

    stupid scallop, I thought it was a crawdad

  204. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:17 am

    Scallops are my favorite.

  205. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:18 am

    His dog kept scraping his butt on my floor

  206. Comment by xbradtc on August 3, 2008 12:18 am

    I couldn’t tell where the scallop ended and the vajayjay started…

  207. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:18 am

    He didn’t understand that she never gets to watch anything but Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network

  208. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:20 am

    Damn! Sombody take that apostrophe out in Scallop’s beforre Musli sees it.

  209. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:21 am

    He didn’t understand why wickedpinto had to call me every night at 3 in the morning

  210. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:23 am

    took care of it pa

  211. Comment by phat on August 3, 2008 12:24 am

    ..and I’m back. Sad thing is the wife’s asleep. Good thing is Seth Rogen is on SNL.

    At least i got some shower sex earlier today.

  212. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:24 am

    She kept telling me her name was, “PartyAnn”

  213. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:25 am

    I”m proud of you phat. You knocked her out so you could return to us.

  214. Comment by phat on August 3, 2008 12:25 am

    Rosetta’s GF said:

    ‘How cute! it’s like a real penis, only smaller.’

  215. Comment by phat on August 3, 2008 12:28 am

    PJM,

    Naw, I’m flying nights this week, so my sleep cycle is a bit different from the rest of the fam’s.

    I’ll stay up for another hour or two then force/medicate myself to sleep.

  216. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:28 am

    Thanks, PJ!

    “She put an apostrophe where it didn’t belong” said Musli to himself.

    And hahaha C3PO.

  217. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:28 am

    He told me he wanted 4 more kids.

  218. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 12:30 am

    Rosetta’s GF said:

    “Are you a top or a bottom?”

  219. Comment by phat on August 3, 2008 12:30 am

    pjm,

    have you watched all three episodes of dr. horrible yet?

  220. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:30 am

    He said “Do you like ottomans?”

  221. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:31 am

    SHe yelled, “Beat me, bite me, make me write bad checks!!” I couldn’t find her checkbook.

  222. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:31 am

    He said “Do you want to watch the Super Bowl game one more time?”

  223. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:31 am

    I don’t even know what dr. horrible is? what is it?

    The only thing I’ve managed to watch lately is Psyche, which I like

  224. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 12:32 am

    She kept calling me Jeff.

  225. Comment by phat on August 3, 2008 12:32 am

    She kept calling me ‘Capt Hammer’

  226. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 12:33 am

    I’m watching Dr. Horrible right now. Good find.

  227. Comment by xbradtc on August 3, 2008 12:33 am

    Hey, phat, what do you fly?

    She said her name was PJ…

  228. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:33 am

    He had turkey bacon breath.

  229. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:34 am

    She kept calling me, “Pee-Wee”

  230. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:34 am

    I love Psych. I’m watching Iron Eagle right now.

  231. Comment by phat on August 3, 2008 12:34 am

    pjm,

    follow the link. Watch the episodes in order, WARNING: it’s a musical starring Neil Patrick Harris!!!!

    This link will get you to a place to see the vids:

    http://blowingsmokethemovie.com/

  232. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:34 am

    He said his name was xbradtc

  233. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:36 am

    He likes watching musicals.

  234. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:37 am

    thanks phat, I’ll have to add that to my firefly queue

  235. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:38 am

    He didn’t like bacon

  236. Comment by phat on August 3, 2008 12:39 am

    xbradtc,

    I fly 737’s for UAL and the C-40C (they’re basically the same airplane) for the Air Force reserves.

    I’m on military leave from the airline, doing an extented active duty tour.

  237. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:40 am

    Phat – pilot or aviator?

  238. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:41 am

    He said he wanted a 3-some with janet reno

  239. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:42 am

    He wanted me to touch his joystick.

  240. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:44 am

    She wouldn’t let me do a weight and balance report before takeoff!

  241. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:45 am

    She thought my “slip-stick” was something completely different

  242. Comment by phat on August 3, 2008 12:47 am

    MCPO,

    I’m a pilot.

    Took me a bit to figure out what you meant, but I’m a USAFA grad…= slow.

  243. Comment by xbradtc on August 3, 2008 12:48 am

    It really wasn’t her jeans that made her butt look fat…

  244. Comment by phat on August 3, 2008 12:48 am

    Her CG was way out of the aft limit!

  245. Comment by xbradtc on August 3, 2008 12:48 am

    phat, some of my best memories are of colorado springs, but I was down on the south side of town.

  246. Comment by xbradtc on August 3, 2008 12:49 am

    She had an aardvark fetish….

    No kidding, my 8th grade english teacher had a thing for ‘varks. Great lady, but a little wierd.

  247. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:50 am

    Yawn. I’m going to bed. Y’all have fun playing with each other.

  248. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:51 am

    phat – Loadmaster on airplanes that were out of service before you graduated! :-)

  249. Comment by Bart on August 3, 2008 12:53 am

    Her My wig fell off.

  250. Comment by xbradtc on August 3, 2008 12:54 am

    MCPO, not only do I know what a C-118 and C-131 are, I know what a C-117 is.

  251. Comment by phat on August 3, 2008 12:56 am

    brad,

    I loved me some Ft. Carson girls back in the day.

    MCPO,

    I flew C-141’s and then C-5’s for most of my career. I know lots about loadsmashers.

  252. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 12:58 am

    “Fragile” means don’t drop more than 6′, right?

    C-1A – C-131 – C-2 – UC-12B

    My motto:”It will all fit if given enough velocity!”

  253. Comment by phat on August 3, 2008 1:22 am

    Gents, I need to retire to the thread below and think sweet, dirty thoughts about the gov of Alaska.

    I know you’ll understand.

  254. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 5:08 am

    When Mrs. BrewFan asked, “who’s PattyAnn?”

    Hahahahahaha!! Nice one.

  255. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 5:18 am

    The drain plug fell out.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA11

    Ok…that one was so good, it made me convulse.

  256. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 5:24 am

    Mace

    Hahahahahahaha!!

    + 1,000 points

  257. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 5:28 am

    If wiser doesn’t show up soon, I’m gonna use Daddy’s Fingers myself.

    Seriously….BiW…..you’re killing me.

  258. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 5:37 am

    She kept calling me Jeff.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    Out of nowhere….It’s fucking ottoman.

  259. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:01 pm

    Sexual partner wrong gender

  260. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:10 pm

    Global warming

  261. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:11 pm

    The coupon was expired

  262. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:11 pm

    He only had decaf coffee

  263. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:12 pm

    Bushmcchimpyhaliburton

  264. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:12 pm

    He asked me to put my drain back in

  265. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:14 pm

    Bushmcchimpyhaliburton

    HAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!

  266. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:16 pm

    The War Machine

  267. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:16 pm

    the conspicuous lack of ottomans

  268. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:16 pm

    Hand fell asleep

  269. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:17 pm

    his apple had a worm in it

  270. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:20 pm

    Sexual partner? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

  271. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:23 pm

    Missing page 4 of instruction manual

  272. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:28 pm

    Vietnamese spin-fuck chair broken

  273. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:30 pm

    he had a little something right……….there

  274. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:32 pm

    {{{SHUDDER}}}

    eeeeesh

  275. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:35 pm

    I’m not double jointed

  276. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:35 pm

    Michelle Obama’s penis too large

  277. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:35 pm

    he was

  278. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:36 pm

    eeeeesh

    Hahahahaha. You hate the blobfish.

  279. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:39 pm

    The Joooos

  280. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:40 pm

    He said he just got back from this

    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/38560/

  281. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:41 pm

    Bill Cosby

  282. Comment by Norman Bates on August 3, 2008 12:45 pm

    Kept thinking about Mother

  283. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:46 pm

    kept thinking about unicles

  284. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:52 pm

    Knothole in tree too big

  285. Comment by Bart on August 3, 2008 12:54 pm

    side effects from my vicodin addiction

  286. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:54 pm

    Clitoris ring electrified

  287. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:56 pm

    Waterboarding apparently not acceptable foreplay

  288. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:57 pm

    Ceiling fan not rated for 300 pounds

  289. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:57 pm

    kept poking me with his pointer finger and saying

    Hey! Hey! Hey Lady, watch me do this! Hey lady, count how long I can hold my breath under water!

  290. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:57 pm

    Seal came home early

  291. See? Now I’m totally flaccid.

    And??? I’d be a Hell of a lot more worried if you were totally turgid.

  292. Comment by Yassir Arafat on August 3, 2008 12:58 pm

    dead

  293. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 12:58 pm

    Prince Albert’s infectious….laughter

  294. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:58 pm

    Ceiling fan not rated for 300 pounds

    Hahahahahaha.

    Good one, PB.

  295. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:58 pm

    he kept mumbling something about, ‘puddintane ask me again I’ll tell ya the same” alternated by, “john brown ask me again I’ll knock you down”

  296. It was Rosetta’s turn in the barrel.

  297. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 12:59 pm

    Seal came home early

    hahahahahaha, uh huh

  298. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 12:59 pm

    Accidentally thought about Kathy Griffin

  299. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:00 pm

    Wasn’t expecting donkey punch

  300. She had a revolting fascination with taints.

  301. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 1:00 pm

    Totally Turgid™

    What a great name for a rape…I mean rapper

  302. Comment by John Bobbitt on August 3, 2008 1:01 pm

    working with half a weenie, here

  303. Rich’s hand wasn’t interested.

  304. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:02 pm

    Vagina dentata

  305. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:04 pm

    Preoccupied with helping OJ find the real killer

  306. Comment by Verne Troyer on August 3, 2008 1:04 pm

    can’t reach the hoo-hoo

  307. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:05 pm

    Got disoriented in massive OFB

  308. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 1:05 pm

    He started singing numbers from The Idol Maker

  309. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 1:06 pm

    Hahaha, funny Bart

  310. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:07 pm

    Partner kept saying “BILLY MAYS HERE HAVING SEX”

  311. Comment by Bart on August 3, 2008 1:07 pm

    she queefed the lyrics to Duke Lion

  312. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:08 pm

    Afraid of being accused of racism by Obama

  313. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:09 pm

    she queefed the lyrics to Duke Lion

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Excellent.

  314. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 1:11 pm

    she queefed the lyrics to Duke Lion

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Oh that killed me

  315. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:11 pm

    6 in the pink, 4 in the stink apparently not pleasurable

  316. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 1:13 pm

    He didn’t look like ALL the other dudes on the dollar bill

    there’s lots of them you know

  317. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 1:13 pm

    he wasn’t ed gruberman

  318. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 1:14 pm

    “he wasn’t ed gruberman”

    HAHAHAHA, we love you, ed

  319. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:15 pm

    After every thrust, partner said “O RLY?”

  320. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:15 pm

    I was Ed’s 75,000th hit. Hahaha.

  321. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 1:16 pm

    are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet?

  322. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 1:17 pm

    he told me again he preferred handsome men, but for me he would make an exception

  323. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 1:17 pm

    She popped…

  324. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:18 pm

    Am I in yet? I was done 5 minutes ago.

  325. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 1:18 pm

    am I in yet is different than are you in yet?

    and mesa did she popped last night

  326. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:19 pm

    Anal beads tasted funny

  327. Comment by Bart on August 3, 2008 1:19 pm

    are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet? are you in yet?

    After every thrust, partner said “O RLY?”

    Reminds me of Eddie Murphy’s stand-up when pretended to be the Asian couple: “Are you in yet? Are you sure you got one?”

  328. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 1:20 pm

    he told me he had diabeetus and that his name was wilford

  329. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 1:21 pm

    accidentally thought about rosetta

  330. Comment by Bart on August 3, 2008 1:23 pm

    kept trying to push the fat woman down but she wouldn’t go down

  331. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:23 pm

    accidentally thought about rosetta

    This is supposed to be worst excuses for your poor sexual performance, not your turn ons.

    Dur.

  332. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:26 pm

    Tattoo of Janet Reno too close to vagina

  333. Comment by Dave in Texas on August 3, 2008 1:27 pm

    Sorry I missed the fun. Does this look infected to you?

  334. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:29 pm

    Went into labor during intercourse

  335. Comment by Bart on August 3, 2008 1:31 pm

    Apparently doggie-style doesn’t mean peeing on the chick and burying her in the backyard.

    /shrugs

  336. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:32 pm

    The Wiggles not very romantic

  337. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 1:33 pm

    This is supposed to be worst excuses for your poor sexual performance, not your turn ons.

    sometimes I get confused

  338. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:33 pm

    Reverse cowgirl apparently doesn’t require live cow

  339. She kept screaming “Ohhhhhbama!”

  340. Comment by Bart on August 3, 2008 1:36 pm

    she requested that I wear a strap-on

    :(

  341. She kept saying “That’s not how my brother does it.”

  342. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 1:42 pm

    She kept yelling “ShamWow!”

  343. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 1:47 pm

    He tasted like ear wax

  344. Comment by Bart on August 3, 2008 1:47 pm

    her bush looked like Carrot Top

  345. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:49 pm

    She kept yelling “ShamWow!”

    Hahahahaha.

  346. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 1:50 pm

    Urine tasted funny

  347. Comment by mesablue on August 3, 2008 2:08 pm

    She didn’t like my ringtone — http://www.phonezoo.com/arab___XQC9uyrwzDg___Ringtone.htm

  348. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 2:34 pm

    She didn’t like my ringtone —

    HAHAHAHAHAHA! That was hysterical

  349. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 2:56 pm

    She didn’t like my ringtone

    Holy shit where did you find that?

    Hilarious and really friggin’ annoying.

  350. Well, Achmed the Dead Terrorist’s five minutes were up, and he still needed to eat…

  351. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 3:53 pm

    He didn’t dig my chili

  352. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 3:56 pm

    She misunderstood when I said “bite my nut snack”

  353. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 4:00 pm

    hah, did you notice the commercial just says, “extraordinary snack” now? they took out the nut

  354. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 4:02 pm

    I’ve seen that commercial three times today.

    There are actually two versions of it and in one, they still say nut snack.

    They had to have done that on purpose.

  355. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 4:12 pm

    Oh too funny. I only see the nuts free one

  356. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 5:00 pm

    She discovered he was a French bull. Wee. Wee.

  357. Oh too funny. I only see the nuts free one

    Stop dating girls.

  358. Comment by Rich on August 3, 2008 5:54 pm

    Tranny Surprise!!

  359. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 5:56 pm

    Was disturbed by the medical examiner

  360. Comment by Ed on August 3, 2008 6:12 pm

    It took too long to read this damn thread and she fell asleep.

  361. Comment by pajama momma on August 3, 2008 6:13 pm

    Was disturbed by the medical examiner

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  362. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 6:14 pm

    Her hysterectomy scar spelled out a crude word

  363. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 6:33 pm

    Discovered that the “girl” was actually a “dead deer”.

  364. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 6:35 pm

    There was a soccer overtime on TV

  365. Comment by xbradtc on August 3, 2008 6:43 pm

    discovered the “dead dear” was actually a “girl”… Fixed that for you Rosetta

  366. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 6:49 pm

    Llama started screaming

  367. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 6:49 pm

    I was listening to the soundtrack from “Cast Away”

  368. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 6:50 pm

    She said I looked just like Justin Timberlake in the video for “Bringing Sexy Back”

  369. The Beer was old. Speaking of which, I guess C3PO will be happy about this:

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25970479/

  370. The beer was old. Speaking of old beer, this should make C3PO’s day:
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25970479/

  371. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 7:39 pm

    Holy Crap!!!!11! This is HUGE!!!!

    http://cas.bellarmine.edu/tietjen/RootWeb/CheneyRobot.gif

  372. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 7:49 pm

    “Just like a Stepford Wife”

    BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

  373. Comment by xbradtc on August 3, 2008 7:54 pm

    Holy Crap!!!!11! This is HUGE!!!!

    http://cas.bellarmine.edu/tietjen/RootWeb/CheneyRobot.gif

    Rosetta didn’t get the memo…. eight frikken years ago.

  374. Would someone get my beer comment out of the spam filter please?

  375. Comment by PattyAnn on August 3, 2008 8:19 pm

    De-spammer extraordinaire

  376. Comment by Tushar on August 3, 2008 9:01 pm

    she won’t say yes to Hot Lunch

  377. Comment by Tushar on August 3, 2008 9:01 pm

    She was starting to rot a bit.

  378. Comment by Tushar on August 3, 2008 9:02 pm

    She tazed my balls

  379. Comment by Tushar on August 3, 2008 9:03 pm

    She laughed hysterically when I asked, “What can brown do for you?”

  380. Comment by MCPO Airdale on August 3, 2008 9:08 pm

    BIW – Here is the beer we drank in H.S.

    http://www.beercollections.com/Breweries/Pennsylvania/Images/IM387118.gif

    Yes, the drinking age was 18.

  381. Comment by Rosetta on August 3, 2008 9:09 pm

    She laughed hysterically when I asked, “What can brown do for you?”

    Hahahahaha.

  382. Comment by wiserbud on August 3, 2008 11:50 pm

    “So…what happened to your last husband?” – Patty Ann

    I can’t believe you all even attempted to beat this one.

    Sorry, 380 or so comments and not one better than this.

  383. Comment by little willy on August 8, 2008 11:55 pm

    had a raging boner and she said “want me to suck it till it gets hard?”

  384. Comment by Bill C on September 21, 2008 10:12 am

    Missed mouth; hit dress.

  385. Comment by Comment by on October 18, 2008 6:17 am

    missed dress; hit Bill C .

  386. Comment by pjd on November 9, 2008 7:10 am

    Missed Bill C., hit PJM

  387. Comment by Bill C on December 9, 2008 9:15 pm

    A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
    She put an ad in the local paper that read:

    Husband wanted:
    – must be in my age group (70s)
    – must not beat me
    – must not run around with other women
    – must still be good in bed!
    All applicants, please apply in person.

    On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

    He had no arms or legs.

    The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you… you have no legs!”
    The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
    She snorted. “You don’t have any arms either!”
    Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed?”

    The old man leaned back, smiled and said,

  388. Comment by Monica L on December 24, 2008 6:37 pm

    he siad how do you think i rang the doorbell?

  389. Comment by PattyAnn on December 24, 2008 7:44 pm

    The suspense was killing me.