MMM 176: Memorial Day Motivation?

Please stomp this if you have an actual Memorial Day poat in mind.

Really shouldn’t box in panties.
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Nuance

By now, you’ve already seen this:
 

 
After a number of people pointed out that TFG getting photographed eating ice cream by Tiger Beat kind of isn’t, you know, what Memorial Day is all about, the Dems put up a couple of other tweets. They were a little more appropriate, but instead of, say, a photo of the gravestones at Arlington (admittedly, kind of hard to find), they had inspirational quotes from the Exalted Leader. Of course.
 
Anyway, I thought I’d sample a little bit of what some other political figures were up to on Twitchface this weekend….
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Childrant

I’ve been reading a few lefty feminist sites lately because they are hilarious in their total lack of awareness. Upper middle class college chicks are equating drunken attempts to get them to put out as rape, have quit watching TV shows because they don’t like what was done to their favorite character (fictional), and beatified criminals who claim they were raped when nothing could be further from the truth.

It occurred to me that elite women in their late teens to early twenties are dangerously immature and simply are not prepared to live away from their families. They have the social skills of adolescents and lash out like toddlers when they don’t get exactly what they want, when they want it. But I feel no pity for them because part of growing up is to learn that you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. I’m embarrassed for them because rather than throwing a tantrum with a select group of friends when things don’t go their way they often to turn to the tittyweb where their point of view is echoed ad infinitum.

Will they ever learn? Probably not.

In fact, I hope they don’t. Less competition in the workforce and more baristas–things that serve me well.

As Exhibit A, I give you this gem from some random feministing site I stumbled across a few days ago.

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My thumb is stuck

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huh?

face

HHD

[saucy teaser dude here]

[very naughty video here]

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Live Wire

 

 

Since I wasn’t banned last week, I’ll take it easy on you all and introduce Brendan Monroe.

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Monroe clearly likes it trippy.  I’ve a feeling that he knows his way around a bic lighter as well as, if not more than a pallet and canvass.  I am simply captivated by the form and the expression of the stroke.

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Monroe is an S.F. artist.

He finds a style here.  The artist is pictured blankly looking at his crazy meat-ee-ors.

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This is de stijl I like the best.

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Check out his Tumbler or website if you like his work.  You’ll be in good company.

Have a nice day.

 

It Ain’t Charlotte’s Web

Some time ago I saw an ad for help wanted at a pig farm.

hog_farm

“Gee,” I said, “I like animals and have worked on plenty of farms, plus the money looks right.  Imma be a pig farmer.”  Sure as shooting, I’m a pig farmer now.  However, I feel that I may have made a grave misunderestimation of the situation.

On my first day the Boss Man said, “We’re going to start you out pressure washing one of the barns.  We have shower caps, rain hats, coats, hip waders, gloves, and aprons.  I never wear any of that stuff, but you can if you want.”

Retard Power:  ACTIVATED

yoro

No, It actually happens quite often.

 

“How bad could it be?” says I, and grabbed an apron.

“Dude.  You are sooooo fucked,” says the universe, and collapsed in a puddle of hysterical laughter.

Boss Man led me down a dim, creepy corridor.  An idle thought flickered through my mind; Could this be an omen?  Nah.  Omens are silly superstitions.  I marched cheerfully on.

Abandon All Hope

Abandon All Hope

A half mile later I was ushered into the most remote barn in the facility.  He gave me a quick demonstration of the pressure wand, and left me to my piggie fate.

The pig pens are built on platforms above a sluice.  It’s a sewer for the hogs called the Pit.  Every now and again they have to be cleaned out, which is where the pressure wand comes in.  It liquefies all of the waste that has accumulated under the platforms and can be flushed into a catchment pond.

Anybody from California can tell you that liquefaction comes with some unpleasant side-effects.

The first and most startling side-effect was the rats and mice that boiled up from the Pit when I pulled the trigger.

rats

We will eat your face while you sleep.

 

I did not scream like a girl.  It only sounded girlie because the Doppler Effect kicked in when I ran.  And really, it was hardly a scream at all.  I would call it an extended shriek.

The second side-effect was the smell.

miasma

Eau de Putresence

When the offal liquefies, it releases an unholy stenchified miasma.  It hangs in the air like an oil slick, so thick and vile you can actually taste it.  My eyes watered, my throat itched and burned, and only an iron grip on my gag-reflex prevented me from adding my own waste to the Pit.

The miasma is sentient.  Some portion of it had attached to me like a lamprey.  I became Peanuts’ Pig Pen brought to life, ambling about in my own personal cloud of filth.

I did not have breakfast that day.  Or lunch.  Or supper.

And finally, we have the third side-effect.  This is where things get interesting.

Dante did not mention this circle of hell.  What a jerk.

Dante did not mention this circle of hell. What a jerk.

When you fire off a jet of high pressure water in a confined space, you get some significant blowback.  Try to wash out your bathtub with the spray attachment on your garden hose.

The wand used in the Pit is rather more powerful than that.  Random fountains of slurry erupt from between the slats in the pens and rocket into the air, showering down on the poor bastard standing behind the wand.

Dear God!” I screamed.  “It’s in my mouth!”  I let my jaw hang slack, slobbering and drooling and spitting for fear of swallowing anything.

In minutes my face was splattered and streaked, pig shit oozed down my neck and under my collar, my coveralls were saturated from the waist down, my feet squished in my rubber boots, and my hands looked like I was wearing black, elbow-length gloves.

If only.

If only.

For eight hours I worked in a rainstorm of porcine diarrhea.

Because of certain health concerns, there are bio-containment procedures in place to prevent spreading disease.  We all shower before and after each shift.

Biohazard

The shower I used at the end of my shift had five different varieties of body wash and two of shampoo.  I used them all with no result.

When I got home I grabbed a bottle of Pinesol and took another shower.  Pig stench laughs in the face of Pinesole.  Other things that do not work include Chlorine Bleach, peroxide, Scrubbing Bubbles, Spic and Span, Comet, Apple Cider Vinegar, peroxide with baking soda, mouth wash, Windex, two additional flavors of body wash, Irish Spring, and some sort of Peach scrubby stuff.

My shaving kit.

My shaving kit.

In desperation I decided to go steal some gasoline from the lawn mower.  I grabbed a towel to go to the garage when I saw a bottle of Lysol stashed in a corner of the linen closet.

Back in the shower it was.  The Lysol stung like a bitch where I had scrubbed my skin raw.  I finally staggered out of the bathroom, stoned out of my gourd on household cleaners.

But, I had won.  The stench was gone, and all I could smell was the sweet perfume of victory.

 

A Crazy Ride

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