Sup jagz. Welcome to Big Boob Friday. Those pants make you look fat.
Some songs, like THIS and THIS have a timeless quality to them. They don’t really seem to be from any particular era and they don’t grow old. This is one such song. And you know how some songs evoke certain imagery? When I hear this song, I imagine four or five of us in some basement bar in New York City late one fall night having cocktails and chasing Indians.
We here at the research department rarely take requests or suggestions for the obvious reason that most of you are idiots. However, today we are making a rare exception. I won’t tell you who made this suggestion but HERE is a hint.
Your model for today was born in Coatzacoalcos, Mexico on September 2, 1966 which makes her a cougerish 42. Meow. She decided to become an actress after seeing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the best movie ever made, when she was a little girl.
The first time I can remember seeing her was in “Desperado” in which she is smoking hot on fire like the blazing heat of a trillion white-hot suns. She also appeared in the underrated “From Dusk til Dawn” as a blood-sucking, devil-spawned stripper.
She’s a spinnerish 5’2″ and 115 lbs and is in possession of a near-perfect 36C-25-37 hourglass. For you sickos out there, she wears a size 7 shoe. Pervert!
Please give a warm round of applause and an “¡AY, CARAMBA!” for your model for today, Friday, July 31, 2009, Salma Hayek!! YAY!!!
Good job, Rascal.
Here’s some crap that happended on this day.
* in 1498, Christopher Columbus discovered the island of Trinidad.
* in 1790, the first US patent was granted to Samuel Hopkins for a potash process.
* in 1875, Andrew “Huge” Johnson, our 17th President, died in Tennessee at the age of 66.
* in 1900, pollster Elmo Roper was born. Don’t you remember the Roper poll?
* in 1912, brilliant economist Milton Friedman was born. I doubt that Obama has ever heard of the man. Oh look! Government improving health care!
* in 1934, the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Cincinnati Reds 8-6 in 18 innings. Both starting pitchers, Dizzy Dean and Tony Freitos, go the distance. That’s back when ballplayers were men.
* in 1935, actor Geoffrey Lewis was born. You may remember him from THIS but he’s also in THIS.
* in 1938, the New York Yankees suspended Jake Powell after he said on Chicago radio that he’d “hit every colored person in Chicago over the head with a club”. WTF? Hahahaha! RACIST!!!!
* in 1943, conservative sage Bill Bennett was born. There are a few politicians that, were I to find myself on the opposite side of the political spectrum, would make me wonder if I was on the wrong side. Dick Cheney is one of those people and so is Bill Bennett.
* in 1951, Australian tennis player Evonne Goolagong was born. One of you should legally change your name to Goolagong. That would be fun.
* in 1963, Norman Cook a.k.a. Fatboy Slim was born. He’s put out some excellent tunes and I recommend him highly for good time party music.
I was supposed to be out of town this weekend but thanks to the manbirdpig flu, I got a pass and do not have to travel to the in-laws. FAKE ILLNESS TO GET OUT OF TRIP TO IN-LAWS WIN!!!1!
So I am a bachelor all weekend. That means non-stop party at my place. I’ll be running to the store later to pick up party supplies including: 21 cases of beer chilled to 42°, 4 cartons of smokes, a 5-gallon can of diesel, 3 pole axes, 2 shovels, 9 hoes, a new pair of tube socks, a gross of bottle rockets, a trampoline, 3 cases of vodka, a shitload of limes, 100 bags of ice, 2 Tazers, a new copy of “Shaving Ryan’s Privates, a candelabra, life-size statue of Milena Velba made of butter, 3 Vietnamese spin-fuck chairs, a white polyester suit, a pack of Big Red gum, cottonballs, 55-gallon drum of aloe, 5 pounds of frozen M&M peanuts, a copy of “All My Friends Are Dead” by Freddie Gage, 3 latex ottoman covers, a howler monkey (sedated), 9 strippers named Amber, 2 trapeze, pair of size 14 high heels, high-def video camera with motion sensor, 10,000 red balloons, copy of “Mature Juggs”, $50,000 in cash, a hot tub filled with vaseline and 100 cinnamon rolls from Cinnabon.
It’s going to be an awesome weekend. Be here by 5pm because after that I’m locking the doors. Cheers!
Checking Your Mom's Drawers for Hope&Change since March 2009 
