Cupholders

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Don’t forget to clean up after yerselves.

Worst names for your significant other’s junk.

Let’s see what you go on this lazy Sunday afternoon.

Whether they’re packing an apple-headed ass-wedge

or a bearded muffin,

I’m sure you’ve all got some special name for what’s stored in your partner’s swimsuit area.

Nows the time to share with the group. 

It’s the only way you’ll ever get better.   Trust us.

Survey Says? Seriously…STFU.

Here’s a picture of a guy that’s smarter than you.

*

Here’s a picture of a douche who says that he’s your buddy but then talks shit about you behind your back.

*

Here’s a picture of a motherfucker who deigns to explain the reality of our political world to you because, between not reading Burke and wiping your boogers on the wall, you think that conservatism works when tried and that liberalism is a rubber fist up your fat goat.

*

Fake.

*

Actually I haven’t like David Brooks ever, even as a kid.

Poetry, Hostage style

IN THE BEGINNING (Swamp Heathen Version)

In the beginning, the Earth was void,

and there was darkness upon the deep.

So GOD made Adam, gave him a hammock,

and Adam took his ass to sleep.

Then GOD said, “ADAM, WAKE YOUR ASS UP!”

“YOU’RE LIVING MUCH TOO WELL.”

Adam should have been praying, but in his hammock was swaying,

drinking wine from a coconut shell.

Then GOD said to Adam, “I’LL MAKE YOU A MATE.”

“YOU’RE WASTING YOUR LIFE I BELIEVE.”

Yes, things were good in Adam’s hammockhood,

till GOD created Eve.

Adam said, “GOD, why did you do this to me?”

“That woman won’t leave me alone.”

And GOD said, “SON, I’M BACKING OFF.”

“WITH HER, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!”

His shit she’s not buying, although Adam was trying,

to romance her from dusk till dawn.

Eve said, “In the Garden of Eden, there’ll be no breedin’,

till you paint the house and mow the lawn.”

Yes, Adam and Eve, we were taught to believe,

were the first to be here, no doubt.

And then came a third, of wit and of word,

a lawyer to straighten things out.

– D. Burch, 2009.

Important Update:

Romy told me to add some boobs.

Entrepooneurs

After Mesa moved down to Texas and started a new business with The Count, that gave Rosetta and Wiserbud (and their silent mute and ar-tarded partner, Wiser) an idea…

Let’s just hope for everyone’s sake that there are no workplace injuries.

Update (“Known as ‘The Rat'”):

[UPDATE: Rosetta]

The Hostages join the army, day 1.

Friday Night Fights

Nice hair Ziggy!

Uplifting tune by a guy who blessed with immense talent – go figure.

Harry didn’t get this fucking down!!

Can’t we all be happy on the weekend?

For you working folks. Hope it’s a great one for you!

Big Boob Friday™

Hello douche-funnel.  Welcome to Big Boob Friday.  As you know, Obama was TOTALLY BUSTING HIS ASS trying to re-create the jobs in his first year that Bush had given to Halliburton or something.  Don’t believe me?  Just look at this guy doing everything in his power to create a job for you, you fucking mouth-breathing ignorant ingrate.

Unlike our current President who is a petulant infant and a whining crybaby pussy who blames his poopy pants on the other kid, there once was a great blues man named Muddy Waters that sang about being a man.   At some point in your life, you need to be sitting in a blues club on Beale, drinking Jack and seeing this performed live.

Your model for today is special and not in the xbrad way.  She was the very first BBF model way back in September of 2007.  She has made another appearance or two but it’s been a long time.

She was born on July 19, 1970 in Ústí nad Labem, Czechoslovakia.  She is 5’4″ standing and almost as tall laying down IFKWISAITTYD.  Lotto number?  48-35-37.  She drinks her coffee from a giant J cup.  She has two kids who probably have stretch marks on their faces.  And Vmax, she is an avid biker.  She owns a Harley and an Intruder.

Please hold up your “IRON MY SHIRT” sign as you welcome your model for today, Friday, January 29th, 2010: Milena Velba!!  YAY!!!

Holy crap a lot of shit happened on this day. For instance…

* in 1689, Dutch poet Hubert K. Poot was born.  If you think “Poot” is a good name, you are incorrect.

* in 1737, brilliant essayist Thomas Paine was born.  The three best modern day essayists?  Ace, Doctor Zero and BiW.  Feel the Paine.

* in 1810, German mathlete Ernst “Oh My God I’m” Kummer was born.

* in 1861, Kansas became the 34th state.  I lived in Kansas for ten years and I liked it so PRAIRIE DOG THIS, BITCH!

* in 1880, actor William Claude Dukenfield was born in Philadelphia.  He once said “Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”

* in 1945, the future home of Tom Selleck’s moustache was born in Detroit.

* in 1954, Oprah Winfrey was born in Kosciusko, Mississippi.

* in 1968, director of the hilarious “She’s the One“, Ed Burns, was born.  He’s married to THIS cow.

* in 1970, hot dummy Heather Graham was born in Milwaukee.

* in 1979, President Obama Carter commuted Patricia Hearst’s seven-year sentence to two years.  When President Carter Obama commutes the death sentence of Mumia Abu-Jamal, the circle will be complete.

* in 1983, “Down Under” by Men At Work hit #1 on the U.K. pop chart.

* in 1992, master blues man Willie Dixon died at the age of 76.  He wrote a song called “Hoochie Coochie Man” which was the inspiration for Muddy Waters’ “I’m a Man”.  R.I.P. blues king.

That is all.  Please go forth and have an excellent weekend.  Try not to accidentally sever your own fat head, set yourself on fire and then fall into a wood  chipper.  CHEERS!!

While we’re waiting for BBF….

Perhaps you’d like to see what else BBF stands for, according to wikipedia?

Hah! Beat This! (No, Not That Type of “Beating.” Cut That Out, Rosetta! Not In Public!)

All of you, kindly refrain from speaking, forsooth!

Or: Shut The Fornication Up, y’all!

Behold: Plastic Water! (Trust the Japanese to come up with something like that.)

I might as well get in on the new poats

LUGONAVE ISLAND, Haiti (Jan. 27, 2010) An HH-60H Sea Hawk helicopter assigned to Helicopter Anti-Submarine Squadron (HS) 7, brings Sailors ashore from the amphibious dock landing ship USS Fort McHenry (LSD 43) to conduct repairs to a damaged roof on LuGonave Island, Haiti. Fort McHenry is participating in Operation Unified Response to provide humanitarian assistance in the aftermath of the 7.0 magnitude earthquake that struck Haiti on Jan. 12. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Edward Kessler/Released)

NEW MISSION COMPOUND, Haiti (Jan. 27, 2010) Sailors from the amphibious dock landing ships USS Fort McHenry (LSD 43) and USS Carter Hall (LSD 50) help local missionaries clear out a destroyed building. Fort McHenry is part of the Bataan Amphibious Relief Mission participating in Operation Unified Response, providing military support capabilities to civil authorities to help stabilize and improve the situation in Haiti following a 7.0 magnitude earthquake on Jan. 12, 2010. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Rachael L. Leslie/Released)

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti (Jan. 27, 2010) Marines assigned to the 22nd Marine Expeditionary Unit (22nd MEU), embarked aboard the amphibious assault ship USS Bataan (LHD 5), live in a tent-city while providing support during Operation Unified Response. Bataan, along with amphibious dock landing ships USS Fort McHenry (LSD 43), USS Gunston Hall (LSD 44) and USS Carter Hall (LSD 50), is supporting Operation Unified Response and is providing military support capabilities to civil authorities to help stabilize and improve the situation in Haiti following a 7.0 magnitude earthquake on Jan. 12, 2010. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class W. B. Swoboda/Released)