We’re entering one of the most wonderful times of the year in a Hostage’s life: Secreting Santa Time! In addition to the thrill of giving we also get the pleasure of receiving (SYWM). First, a little Christmas music to set the mood.
Have you seen the first dude lately? He looks like he hasn’t had a decent meal in ten years or that his alleged syphilis is finally winning the war on women. I kid, I kid. He’s a vegan so you know he has syphilis.
So here’s the theory, in case you missed it in my survey class taught at Muppet U, or if you forgot what was written in the first paragraph: Bill will do anything to prevent Smiley McOpenmouth from getting in the oval office. Way too important to keep his little Gore wet. Yes, for those of you scoring at home, he calls his blank shooter Al Gore.
I bet you’re thinking I’m totally wrong. That the allure of being half of the first ever male/female presidential couple is just too, er, alluring. Consider this: whenever things get good for her, he trots out some sorry statement that even he, a veritable Da Vinci of lying can’t clean up.
Man, that’s gonna sting. Don’t get me wrong, no one cares what he said…except for the only man that might actually make a difference in the election: Golfy McOkieDoke. St Trayvon’s Dad is notoriously thin skinned and its well known that Obama and Bill already hate each other. Bill once told Obama that he should be getting him coffee rather than schlonging his wife (that’s Web Hubble’s job) and Obama’s black half never got over it. If you locked these two in a bedroom closet only one would emerge–probably Bill with panties on his head, wearing high heels, but that’s besides the point. The hate is real my groovy babies, the hate is real.
Its math, and therefore indisputable, although its probably racist.
Things just keep conspiring to slow me down on this thing. Should have built it last June when I had plenty of time on my hands, but of course I didn’t know yet how much I needed it in my life. I did get a chance to re-read the book yesterday, so I feel really, really ready to just build the darn thing. I just need a block of time at the right time of day (4-5 hours, preferably starting between 8am and 11am), and that’s darned hard to come by anymore. I’m running out of time, too. I don’t want to do this when the ground is laden with dry leaves. Hopefully I’ll get to it this week, even if it means building it in steps over a few evenings.
You guys will all hate this, but I’m thinking of number between -1 and 1 that indicates the number of bowel movements I would offer you. If you look closely, the band, Yeasayer references Reagan so there’s a little something for you. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? Now get up, dance, and clap like seals.
Today’s model emailed me a few minutes ago to inform me that she’s deeply, deeply, in love with this blog and honored to be featured here. Sure, it was mostly legal stuff about keeping a distance of 1000 feet, but I know how to read between the lines. Please smooth out your eyebrows, hitch up your overalls, and pick the tobacco from your teeth to welcome Viola Bailey!!!!!!!!!
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve let a few things from this site bleed over into everyday life. The one that I use most often is “…and then I found twenty dollars.” It’s become kind of a mental thing, too–I kept waiting for a guy to say it this morning, but he just kept going on and on and on about the time he nailed your mom behind the Arby’s on Foothill Blvd. Yeesh.
Anyway, speaking of people who never shut up, enjoy these highlights from last night’s White House Corespondent’s Dinner while you wait for the Tuckers to show up. A real laff riot!
(Oh, and happy birfday, Brendan!)
The antithesis of MMM