Hot-n-Tot spices up his winter festivities after breakfast with your mom:
Sharon, is the pie done?
Ever notice that Sharon rhymes with Karen?
Yes, it’s all Marie Callender’s fault. Good customer service must handle this.
But wait, what’s that sound? People are skeptical of her claims?
Continue readingCovid 2021
Hi asswipes. I’m basically stuck with permanent whiplash as we learn that mostly peaceful protests are terrorist attacks punishable by death, cops are heroes for shooting unarmed women, patriotism is doing what you’re told – not dissenting, and questioning the integrity of an election is a nut job conspiracy theory. How does one square these circles? Oh right. Shut up, that’s how.
The narrative. It’s always about the fucking narrative with these people. Given the past few months and the total reversal of everything the Left believed in, this is my best guess for the narratives of 2021.
January 2021
Dark days my friends. Dark days™. If only that racist Donald Trump hadn’t created Covid 19 as a way to kill black people, we’d be living in a true paradise of equality. It’s only because of Trump and his supporters that we have to deal with Covid at all. Did we mention that he’s a Russian spy for real? Perhaps you’ve forgotten so we’ll have to remind for a few days mostly because he can’t really defend himself now that he’s been silenced completely.
February 2021
The Biden Tax Plan will increase taxes on the wealthiest Americans from 38% to 28% and the bottom 99% will see a reduction from 28% to 38%. Oh happy days! Everyone is going to be rich and evil people like Donald Trump will finally pay their fair share. Newly minted billionaire Barak Obama has graciously decided to pay his full salary of no dollars to the US Treasury in order to single handedly balance the budget in less than a year. Praise be Obama and Biden, but mostly Obama.
March 2021
The country formerly known as Syria, now called Trumpistan is most certainly building nuke-u-ler weapons and we should do something about that right now. Colin Powell personally parachuted in behind enemy lines with Brian Williams, 2 clicks from a cavalry of US birds – helicopters for the non elite soldiers – and found what appears to be a white substance that we’re are 100% sure is nuke-u-ler dust. Everyone agrees, including arch conservative anti-war Senator Lindsey Graham, and we need to send white Southern boys to die in the capital Trumpallujah in order to combat this grave threat to US democracy. If we don’t intervene in the Trumpistan civil war that has been raging for a decade, it’ll go on for another year or so. Can’t have that. We need to keep this fight going until the first troops deployed are old enough to see their kids serve in the same short, 20 year war. We have to fight the Trumpistan Civil War over there so we don’t have to fight it here.
April 2021
Biden is like Jesus but with a six pack, sunglasses, and he can’t be killed. Biden is more like god but also like Jesus. And Allah if you’re into that sort of thing. We only know a little about religion from a Religious Studies class at Goucher College but we’re confident that Biden is like all the Gods but better because of his abs and sunglasses. Did you know Biden has a Peloton? I mean, how cool is that? I bet he rides it all the time with his abs showing just like Jesus.
May 2021
May is a time of reflection and healing. In order to reflect the healing, Joe Biden will begin a nationwide crackdown on white supremacist groups. The list includes Wall Mart shoppers, the staff of Forbes, everyone living in the South except Georgia, anyone who uses the internet to share a meme, writers at the Wall Street Journal, National Review, and all NeverTrumpers, country music fans, black men who voted for Trump, Nascar (except for Bubba Wallace) and the white girl own the View. All of these people will need to report to their local train station and board at platform 9 and three quarters. It’s funny because they’ll think they are going to Hogwarts but really they’ll be getting a different kind of magic.
In addition to these glorious reforms, Joe Biden will be taking the month off. He sprained his abs while shooting his 16th straight hole in one. The bandages on his face are incidental and not at all because his face tore like an overworked pizza dough while undergoing his 9th face lift.
June 2021
Donald Trump and his supporters created the hype and fear around Covid to try to steal the election from Joe Biden. Thanks to the hard work of Joe Biden, campaigning tirelessly on your behalf, he was able to overcome the media persecution, the censorship, and the efforts of big tech, the favoritism for Trump of our elite institutions and corporations, the obvious election fraud, and the scurrilous lie that Covid was a danger to your health in order to beat Donald Trump in 2020. Take off the mask bigot!
July 2021
Recovery Summer IV!!!!!!! The unemployment rate for Americans has reached an all time low of 25% and average earnings, saved, created, or completely made up have increased to 120 million dollars per hour, as long as that hour is on the Tuesday where Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos volunteered at a soup kitchen for as long as it took to get a picture.
Second half of the year to follow!
IMPOTENT UPDATE, ASSWIPES!!!!!!!!
HHD
Good morning, and welcome to another edition of Hunky Hump Day, your weekly supply of shaved chests and questionable orientations. Let’s get started with a song from a Mark Steyn email.
Now for the hunks.
A little multicultural.
Continue reading
Obama II: Cockfacefuckaloo
That last word seems made up but it isn’t. If you search for it on the intertitty you’ll find a wealth of information.
So Obama is back, and this time going to kick ass and use cliches, and he’s all out of cliches. The world is stuck like a deer in the headlights of a sixteen wheel suck mobile, paralyzed at his magnificence–or so the media would have you believe.
The truth, harder than a diamond, and as difficult to swallow as a giant bitter pill is that only a few people actually care; rich old liberals and black women. The rest of us are just trying to get on with our lives. The days of our lives, even.
So please, do us a favor, oh God Emperor of the Early Release Television Series, go the fuck away. Obama could build a speech generator using the words, ‘world, future, change, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, let us, hope, and destiny,’ bridged together with terrible sentence formations and almost no one would notice. Just put up a cardboard cut out and play side A of the tape called ‘Flattering Rich Crackers’ then flip it over to side B, ‘I am Black Also, and Understand You.’
Save everyone else some time, dickface. If we wanted to be talked down to or bored to death we’d use bad grammar in a blog post and wait for Hotspur to show up.
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This man, right here, the one I’m pointing to…is a DICK!!!
Big Boob Friday
Herro! Welcome to big boob Friday. It’s full of Friday and boobs so it must be WIN!!!!
I have no idea what I’m saying, really. Please disregard any comments that might pertain the shape and size of Hotspur’s asshole. It’s called phrenology people. Try to keep up.
So here we are; another end of the week, or beginning to some of us. For most of us, it’s just another day on the endless treadmill of winning that is the glorious reign of God Emperor Donald Trump II, long may he, er, reign. As you may know, I’ve written quite a few songs for your enjoymentness over the years, most of which you rightly decided were utter crap. This song is no different because it’s about you.
This week’s model is of the Asian persuasion…which is a total shocker. In between eating sushi and playing checkers with marbles, she likes to giggle quietly behind her hand and fantasize about large reptile like creatures fighting large moth like creatures. Please put down your bucket of chardonnay and welcome Vicki Li!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
See You Next Thursday, Hillary
Pale, stressed, and hopelessly unprepared, Hillary McCheeselegs-Wrinkleface has made a helluva splash.
Think of Rosetta plummeting haphazardly from the high dive into a pool of pudding. That covers about 1% of the fuck ups that are in store for the worst candidate to be anointed for the presidency.
What everyone fails to remember is that Hillary is a horrible, rotten, no good politician. She makes Donald Trump’s hair look good. Al Gore seems vibrant and more lifelike. Al Sharpton sounds like a Laurence Olivier reading Henry V. She blows—but not like a fat girl with a hankering for a little preezy butter.
Sure, at one point we all thought we’d possibly vote for her over the shit for brains Republican front runners in 2008, but she got knocked off by a pseudo intellectual stoner that regurgitates the shit we used to talk about in high school. And frankly none of us would have pulled the lever for her anyway. We would have stayed home.
In many ways were a bit ahead of the curve because we pay attention to politics, if only to throw monkey poop. Just wait until the population writ large gets a better look at the ‘ol battleship Rhodam. She’s more appealing as a distant memory.
Big Boob Friday, Bishes
What change looks like
The Official Sports Team of The Hostages
Honorary Hostage David Thorne – Epic E-mail Exchange
Get TITS2 & The H2 Stuff
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Checking Your Mom's Drawers for Hope&Change since March 2009 
