asshat anonymous | Checking Your Mom's Drawers for Hope&Change since March 2009

Covid 2021

Hi asswipes. I’m basically stuck with permanent whiplash as we learn that mostly peaceful protests are terrorist attacks punishable by death, cops are heroes for shooting unarmed women, patriotism is doing what you’re told – not dissenting, and questioning the integrity of an election is a nut job conspiracy theory. How does one square these circles? Oh right. Shut up, that’s how.

The narrative. It’s always about the fucking narrative with these people. Given the past few months and the total reversal of everything the Left believed in, this is my best guess for the narratives of 2021.

January 2021

Dark days my friends. Dark days™. If only that racist Donald Trump hadn’t created Covid 19 as a way to kill black people, we’d be living in a true paradise of equality. It’s only because of Trump and his supporters that we have to deal with Covid at all. Did we mention that he’s a Russian spy for real? Perhaps you’ve forgotten so we’ll have to remind for a few days mostly because he can’t really defend himself now that he’s been silenced completely.

February 2021

The Biden Tax Plan will increase taxes on the wealthiest Americans from 38% to 28% and the bottom 99% will see a reduction from 28% to 38%. Oh happy days! Everyone is going to be rich and evil people like Donald Trump will finally pay their fair share. Newly minted billionaire Barak Obama has graciously decided to pay his full salary of no dollars to the US Treasury in order to single handedly balance the budget in less than a year. Praise be Obama and Biden, but mostly Obama.

March 2021

The country formerly known as Syria, now called Trumpistan is most certainly building nuke-u-ler weapons and we should do something about that right now. Colin Powell personally parachuted in behind enemy lines with Brian Williams, 2 clicks from a cavalry of US birds – helicopters for the non elite soldiers – and found what appears to be a white substance that we’re are 100% sure is nuke-u-ler dust. Everyone agrees, including arch conservative anti-war Senator Lindsey Graham, and we need to send white Southern boys to die in the capital Trumpallujah in order to combat this grave threat to US democracy. If we don’t intervene in the Trumpistan civil war that has been raging for a decade, it’ll go on for another year or so. Can’t have that. We need to keep this fight going until the first troops deployed are old enough to see their kids serve in the same short, 20 year war. We have to fight the Trumpistan Civil War over there so we don’t have to fight it here.

April 2021

Biden is like Jesus but with a six pack, sunglasses, and he can’t be killed. Biden is more like god but also like Jesus. And Allah if you’re into that sort of thing. We only know a little about religion from a Religious Studies class at Goucher College but we’re confident that Biden is like all the Gods but better because of his abs and sunglasses. Did you know Biden has a Peloton? I mean, how cool is that? I bet he rides it all the time with his abs showing just like Jesus.

May 2021

May is a time of reflection and healing. In order to reflect the healing, Joe Biden will begin a nationwide crackdown on white supremacist groups. The list includes Wall Mart shoppers, the staff of Forbes, everyone living in the South except Georgia, anyone who uses the internet to share a meme, writers at the Wall Street Journal, National Review, and all NeverTrumpers, country music fans, black men who voted for Trump, Nascar (except for Bubba Wallace) and the white girl own the View. All of these people will need to report to their local train station and board at platform 9 and three quarters. It’s funny because they’ll think they are going to Hogwarts but really they’ll be getting a different kind of magic.

In addition to these glorious reforms, Joe Biden will be taking the month off. He sprained his abs while shooting his 16th straight hole in one. The bandages on his face are incidental and not at all because his face tore like an overworked pizza dough while undergoing his 9th face lift.

June 2021

Donald Trump and his supporters created the hype and fear around Covid to try to steal the election from Joe Biden. Thanks to the hard work of Joe Biden, campaigning tirelessly on your behalf, he was able to overcome the media persecution, the censorship, and the efforts of big tech, the favoritism for Trump of our elite institutions and corporations, the obvious election fraud, and the scurrilous lie that Covid was a danger to your health in order to beat Donald Trump in 2020. Take off the mask bigot!

July 2021

Recovery Summer IV!!!!!!! The unemployment rate for Americans has reached an all time low of 25% and average earnings, saved, created, or completely made up have increased to 120 million dollars per hour, as long as that hour is on the Tuesday where Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos volunteered at a soup kitchen for as long as it took to get a picture.

Second half of the year to follow!

IMPOTENT UPDATE, ASSWIPES!!!!!!!!