Baby Watch

T-minus three months until total loss of sleep, life, and mind. I’m counting on all of you hostage aunts, uncles, and somewhere in between, to keep me honest and give me tons of advice on how to raise a baby. Every new parent loves to hear about what they’re doing wrong and how its going to permanently scar their child!

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Worst Secret Santa Gifts Evah

We’re entering one of the most wonderful times of the year in a Hostage’s life: Secreting Santa Time! In addition to the thrill of giving we also get the pleasure of receiving (SYWM). First, a little Christmas music to set the mood.

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Bill Clinton’s Weenus

 

This will be an exploration of my long held theory that Bill will not allow Pickles McParkinsons to win the election so that he can continue to dick bimbos for the short remainder of his life.

Have you seen the first dude lately? He looks like he hasn’t had a decent meal in ten years or that his alleged syphilis is finally winning the war on women. I kid, I kid. He’s a vegan so you know he has syphilis.

So here’s the theory, in case you missed it in my survey class taught at Muppet U, or if you forgot what was written in the first paragraph: Bill will do anything to prevent Smiley McOpenmouth from getting in the oval office. Way too important to keep his little Gore wet. Yes, for those of you scoring at home, he calls his blank shooter Al Gore.

I bet you’re thinking I’m totally wrong. That the allure of being half of the first ever male/female presidential couple is just too, er, alluring. Consider this: whenever things get good for her, he trots out some sorry statement that even he, a veritable Da Vinci of lying can’t clean up.

Man, that’s gonna sting. Don’t get me wrong, no one cares what he said…except for the only man that might actually make a difference in the election: Golfy McOkieDoke. St Trayvon’s Dad is notoriously thin skinned and its well known that Obama and Bill already hate each other. Bill once told Obama that he should be getting him coffee rather than schlonging his wife (that’s Web Hubble’s job) and Obama’s black half never got over it. If you locked these two in a bedroom closet only one would emerge–probably Bill with panties on his head, wearing high heels, but that’s besides the point.  The hate is real my groovy babies, the hate is real.

Weenus + Viagra >Husband + Most Powerful Woman in the World

Its math, and therefore indisputable, although its probably racist.

FIN

 

 

Saturday Beer Run

Hello my friends.  I have just returned from a whirlwind tour of the parts of Illinois, Missouri and Kansas that nobody ever wants to go to, and I could use a drink.

Or two.

Just one more.

Maybe MJ will be magnanimous and tells us of his European tour.

Special thanks to Colorado Alex for filling in admirably on Friday, and opening up a whole new untapped BBF genre.  

What would you buy with the Powerball jackpot?

We’ve all dreamed about it. What would you do if you had Fuck You Money? Would you invest it prudently? Start the business you’ve always dreamed about? Pay Obama to take a vow of silence for the rest of his term? No, we all know what you’d do with the money:
 

 
Anyway, there are some more things you could buy after the jump. Continue reading

New Sensation

Oh hey

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