As we have often heard and most people know (mainly from the TV genre known as “police procedurals“), a grand jury will indict a ham sandwich. Fewer people know WTH a grand jury is much less what indict means. Where we all can find common ground is in the ham sandwich. Let’s meet the players
Shout out to Lithuanian Dark Rye Bread! Zajabis!
Gather round my friends and lend an ear, there’s a tale needs to be told. This is the abridged version. For the complete story you’ll need to pony up 50 cent to my publisher.
You see, there was once a man, so big he shook the ground with each mighty step. For a snack he’d eat an entire ox and pick the gristle from his big-as-a-surfboard teeth with the ox horns.
Do me a favor, would you? Go into the bathroom or your bedroom or look down at your shoe and give yourself a long look in the mirror. Try to look a little disappointed, and say this out loud, ‘I will never be a as good of a person as Lauraw. Not if I invented a time machine and prevented Barak Hussein Obama from becoming president. Not if I found and convinced Mila Kunis to spend an evening with MJ. Not if I opened a weed farm and put MJ in charge of quality control. There is nothing I can do to be funnier or more thoughtful that Lauraw.
Then punch yourself in the balls/vag.
Behold, the Deadmaublanket5.
Say what? That’s Irish for Mound Of The Hostages. I know, right? Who ever thought of making a mound for us? Now, as far as mounds go it’s not all that impressive. Still, to think the ancient Celts were so prescient to name something after us all those years ago hits me right in the feels.
You people make me sick. We spent an entire day talking about turtlenecks when there are very real and important things going on in the world!
1. Some chick no one has ever heard of was asked not to be rude by the guy whose job is to chastise rude people.
3. A cranky alcoholic colicky baby who is running for president in 2020 mentioned the chick no one had ever heard about and the homeless lady.
4. Car in called me twice just to talk.
Ok fine, I made that last one up but the rest are 100% real stories that were covered wall to wall by the very serious gossip columnists we pretend are reporters and journalists. And you trogdilytes trogdelites trogderplites losers decided to make the funneh about foreskin.
Shame!
Well, the Academy Awards are here again. Yay. If you think you’re sick of hearing about them, try living in Southern California. It’s all they talk about on the news for the next goddamn week.
Most of us aren’t big fans of Hollywood (or as one guy I heard one time called it, HollyWEIRD–delightful!) but maybe you saw a couple of the movies that are nominated this year. Are you rooting for La La Land? Hidden Fences? Something else?
Ah, who am I kidding? We’re all boycotting the Oscars. Not for the politics (okay, maybe a little bit because of the politics) but because the most deserving film of the year wasn’t nominated:
I’m just hoping John Wick 2: The Wick and The Dead gets nominated next year. Probably not, though.
Hola bishes. Long time no escribo.
This is a 100% true story that is completely, honestly, 100% on the level with the truth. Estoy siendo honesto, punta maricones. I wouldn’t lie to anyone.
Anonche, en mi cama, I had a vision of a delicious cocktail. Was it the first signs of a budding addiction (it wasn’t)? Was it an implanted memory from our conversation last night (not likely)? Was it a reaction to a brain that will never quite shut off (possibly)? First symptoms of syphilis contracted from your mom (bingo)?
The answer is yes. Never mind what’s in the parenthesis. As you know from watching CNN they like to make sure that headlines are correctomundo as they interpret. But I digress.
What was this sueno de grandeza? It’s the cocktail to end all cocktails. A swanky, frothy, cream filled bananalicious, stripper referencing libation named the Dicking Bimbo!
Grab yourself a blender and get busy with this recipe:
1 oz vanilla or cake flavored vodka
.5 oz brandy
.5 oz banana liqueur (99 bananas is the best)
1 large, phallic banana
2 oz whipping cream
dash cinnamon
ice
Put everything in your addiction mixer and whip it up! It tastes a little like bananas foster, but with a kick. Alcohol content: 6.8 chads. Stripper names: 2.
Hello everyone. Would you like to appropriate a bit of Japanese culture with a bit of sushi? Of course you would, American scum. Your behavior is worse than Hiroshima.
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Sean and I wrote this song while talking about our beards.
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And now let us look at some boobs of an Asian chick from Japanland. Her name is something unpronounceable so we’ll just skip that part. Please help me agree that Asian Boobs Matter!!!!!!!!!!
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The Official Sports Team of The Hostages
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