Get Ready!

Time to do something, right now dammit!

Watermelon Douche Chills

Gather round my friends and lend an ear, there’s a tale needs to be told. This is the abridged version. For the complete story you’ll need to pony up 50 cent to my publisher.

You see, there was once a man, so big he shook the ground with each mighty step. For a snack he’d eat an entire ox and pick the gristle from his big-as-a-surfboard teeth with the ox horns.

SHHHHHHHH

I’m going to share a secret with you folks. Pictured below is the GREATEST garden hand tool I’ve ever owned.

 

Big words, I know – but this has changed my life. And because I love you all so very much (except MJ) I’m going to share this valuable knowledge with you.

 

This is it:

 

 

BEHOLD IT’S BEAUTY. $33 on Amazon, but I got it cheaper at Meijer a few weeks back.

You’re welcome, everyone.

 

Here’s an old song I’ve been listening to lately – THANK YOU TURBO.

 

 

Carry on fine people.

Sean’s Delicious Calamari

You people make me sick. We spent an entire day talking about turtlenecks when there are very real and important things going on in the world!

1. Some chick no one has ever heard of was asked not to be rude by the guy whose job is to chastise rude people.

2. Some homeless lady was the butt of a mild joke about her hair which was racist and also anti-domicileless.

3. A cranky alcoholic colicky baby who is running for president in 2020 mentioned the chick no one had ever heard about and the homeless lady.

4. Car in called me twice just to talk.

Ok fine, I made that last one up but the rest are 100% real stories that were covered wall to wall by the very serious gossip columnists we pretend are reporters and journalists. And you trogdilytes trogdelites trogderplites losers decided to make the funneh about foreskin.

Shame!

 

FOR THE RECORD….

Here is a pic of your mom:

Feel free to add updates. Let’s make this a community project.

 

 

I got some funny. /car in

 

This would have been good yesterday, but that’s Leon’s gig.

 

I’ll choke a bitch.

 

 

Moose is looking forward to the summer already – this is from LAST summer, of course.

 

Car In D’art

I’ve got art and shit around my house, so if Chumpo is too busy  I’m happy to fill in.    I’m not really sure who did any of this stuff, but beggars can’t be choosers. So sit back and enjoy the show.

This first work my mom gave to me several years ago, and it was done by some local artist. Neat huh?

Up next, this piece is on Inter-family loan to the O’Brien household from my mil. It’s some Japanese something or other.  It looks nice in the hallway.   THe picture is a tad blurry … whatever.  I think you can make out the relevant parts of this work.

What do we have next? Ah yes. This is the piece I bought Pat from Chumpo’s older installments of Wire.    I finally got it framed. Looks nice, no?

Moving right along, we now have on of my own works … a picture of the greatest dog ever. Greta. *wipes tear away. I know, I know. It’s crooked.  They make medications for OCD, you know …

This is by a dude out of Toledo who does these statue things. I like ’em.

This is a new piece to Gallery O’Brien  – just a funny little thing that makes me happy.  And it looks awesome in that spot.

And finally, what post from me would not be complete w/o a picture of Moose?  WHo’s a good boy?  YOU ARE!

I hope everyone has enjoyed a little peak into the high art to be found at my house.

Fun Football Factoids!

As summer’s heat begins to wane (except for here, where it’s expected to be over 100 degrees this week) and a chill creeps into the air, it is time once again for America’s Game! No, not that one–The Footballs!

Now, you can just watch the game, or you can quit being such a fat, worthless, fat fucking pantload and learn some shit about it. Here are a few facts I’ve gleaned about this fascinating subject:

A poat which explores the Duality of Man™

What do you do with a problem like this?
 

 
I guess you’d have to go for some kind of Social Justice Rock Paper Scissors game. We could call it Rock Privilege Scissors.
 

Disco Superfly, Disco Lemondade

Who wants candy? Or more appropriately, who wants to know what the hell I’ve been prattling on about for the past few weeks? Follow below the fold for a full explanation of what I’m obsessed with as of late.

But first, let’s do a little music. I wrote this song in the 90s while I was in a group called Marcy’s Playground. We were going to call it Sheryl Anderson’s Playground but it just didn’t have the same ring so we went with the clueless slit licker from the Peanuts.

The SCNUS Dickbutts

Michigan is a weird place. Some of you may have gathered that from listening to the endless posts about something called Keno (I think it’s a money laundering scheme for a crackfat addiction), or the odd fascination with overly muscled former women, or the Rainman like reputations of ‘your mom’ jokes (still funny).

It’s like they haven’t quite figured out if they’re South Canada or the North United States. Everyone is super nice, but they’re still flaming racists. They enjoy Tim Horton’s and hockey, but also Ford and GM. Michigan is a study in contradictions.

Which leads me to the one perfect example of how they have merged two cultures and embraced the SCNUS community college football team…The Dickbutts.

I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it with my own eyes but when I visited Hotspur a few weeks ago (Car in was busy working the Keno scheme and Leon was at a Brony convention) I was a bit surprised to see the Dickbutt logo on his shirt. He patiently explained to me that the Dickbutts were the new mascot of South Canada North United States community college football team and that the whole region was Dickbutt wild.

I was aghast. I was certain that he was pulling my leg.

But as I cocked my head and gave him a disbelieving look, he pointed to the ceiling of the ghetto bar. Leon can back me up on this; the ceiling is covered in local team logos. And there it was. The SCNUS Dickbutt. Incontrovertible proof that the Dickbutts are real and ready for next season.