Obama II: Cockfacefuckaloo

That last word seems made up but it isn’t. If you search for it on the intertitty you’ll find a wealth of information.

So Obama is back, and this time going to kick ass and use cliches, and he’s all out of cliches. The world is stuck like a deer in the headlights of a sixteen wheel suck mobile, paralyzed at his magnificence–or so the media would have you believe.

The truth, harder than a diamond, and as difficult to swallow as a giant bitter pill is that only a few people actually care; rich old liberals and black women. The rest of us are just trying to get on with our lives. The days of our lives, even.

So please, do us a favor, oh God Emperor of the Early Release Television Series, go the fuck away. Obama could build a speech generator using the words, ‘world, future, change, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, let us, hope, and destiny,’ bridged together with terrible sentence formations and almost no one would notice. Just put up a cardboard cut out and play side A of the tape called ‘Flattering Rich Crackers’ then flip it over to side B, ‘I am Black Also, and Understand You.’

Save everyone else some time, dickface. If we wanted to be talked down to or bored to death we’d use bad grammar in a blog post and wait for Hotspur to show up.

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This man, right here, the one I’m pointing to…is a DICK!!!

Hostage Oscar Party (Now With 100% Fewer Slow-loading GIFs!)

Well, the Academy Awards are here again. Yay. If you think you’re sick of hearing about them, try living in Southern California. It’s all they talk about on the news for the next goddamn week.

Most of us aren’t big fans of Hollywood (or as one guy I heard one time called it, HollyWEIRD–delightful!) but maybe you saw a couple of the movies that are nominated this year. Are you rooting for La La Land? Hidden Fences? Something else?

Ah, who am I kidding? We’re all boycotting the Oscars. Not for the politics (okay, maybe a little bit because of the politics) but because the most deserving film of the year wasn’t nominated:

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I’m just hoping John Wick 2: The Wick and The Dead gets nominated next year. Probably not, though.

Saturday Shakespearean Sonnet

Let’s just get this out of the way right upfront:

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Okay, now that we’ve dispensed with that, on to the poetry:

O, fake internet friends, how they slack off
When the long week’s toil is done and ended.
Whether they do Crossfit or just jack off,
The blog on weekends moulders, unamended.
Exceptions come, sometimes, from our Jimbro
Or if the Puppeh isn’t chasing tail.
But too often we are stuck in limbo
And Friday’s buxom freshness starts to fail.
I know well that all of you have lives
While weekends find me cloistered here at work.
But thirty-some hours on a poat is jive
Yeah, “jive” is weak; you write the next poem, jerk!
So ends my verse, now let comments commence,
And maybe push this down some hours hence.

Super Bowl Preview (and also probably Super Bowl Poat, because you’re a bunch of lazy assholes)

It’s that time of year again, where the air is buzzing with excitement, everyone is talking about their favorite players, and there are parties galore! I am speaking, of course, of Black History Month.

But the Super Bowl is also coming up or some junk, so we should probably talk about that, too… Continue reading

Fuck You

EAT YOUR CEREAL, RYAN!!!!

Big Blam Friboob!111!!!!1!!!

Herro bish face. Apparently Pupster has been picked up by the dog catcher and is presently residing with Obama’s mythical son in cell block 4B. Poor doggeh.

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Today’s band is really, really good. I wrote this song with The National while browsing the H2 and coming across one of my favorite phrases, ‘fainting couch.’ As in, “Co Alex was at Wal-Mart shopping for a new chia pet and just saw the Jonas Brothers which prompted him to retire to his fainting couch. ”

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Today’s model is from England. England is a country of oppressive assholes that tried to keep us bending the knee to a fat German guy just because he was born someone oh so special.  Fuck that…and her tits. Speaking of dorking her jugs…they are as Trump would say, yuge. Please stop power walking in the street while white and welcome, Sarah Randall!!!!!!!

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Happy Birthday Xbrad!

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Hi, My Name is MJ and I Have a Problem…

…that can only be fixed with a Bloody Mary and a nice big slice of shut the fuck up pie.

Are you listening to Alt-J? Why aren’t you listening to Alt-J?

So it looks like the wedding is set for April something or other. I guess we’re going to do this shin dig at our house in Charlotte, which we should probably get around to buying sometime. I’ve been told that if we’re going to get married at home, we should prolly, you know, have one.

Wait! I have an idea! We could just use Carin’s house. She’s always going on and on about how she wants fresh bodies to host a really big party this Spring.

We’ll be there a few days early. Get things ready, Car in. Chop chop.

Meanwhile I’ll be going to France, Spain, and Argentina…and Nashville? FML.

Car in Responds to MJ

Car in Responds to MJ

MJ responds

MJ responds