Hola bishes. Long time no escribo.
This is a 100% true story that is completely, honestly, 100% on the level with the truth. Estoy siendo honesto, punta maricones. I wouldn’t lie to anyone.
Anonche, en mi cama, I had a vision of a delicious cocktail. Was it the first signs of a budding addiction (it wasn’t)? Was it an implanted memory from our conversation last night (not likely)? Was it a reaction to a brain that will never quite shut off (possibly)? First symptoms of syphilis contracted from your mom (bingo)?
The answer is yes. Never mind what’s in the parenthesis. As you know from watching CNN they like to make sure that headlines are correctomundo as they interpret. But I digress.
What was this sueno de grandeza? It’s the cocktail to end all cocktails. A swanky, frothy, cream filled bananalicious, stripper referencing libation named the Dicking Bimbo!
Grab yourself a blender and get busy with this recipe:
1 oz vanilla or cake flavored vodka
.5 oz brandy
.5 oz banana liqueur (99 bananas is the best)
1 large, phallic banana
2 oz whipping cream
dash cinnamon
ice
Put everything in your addiction mixer and whip it up! It tastes a little like bananas foster, but with a kick. Alcohol content: 6.8 chads. Stripper names: 2.
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Hillary looks puffy one day and near dead the next because of the yoga, weight lifting, and healthy eating.
She really needs to stop exercising so much!
Dicking Bimbos was the second album by the group Los Deplorables. I have it on vinyl.
WTFITS?
I thought we gave up doing multiple posts years ago.
Interesting. I will try this at some point.
Is bimbo dicking allowed in this poat?
Asking for a friend.
*powers through cinnamon-ginger no-sugar ice cream*
Oh! Good. I just heard that Hillary is all recovered from her “pneumonia”.
Double post day! Yeah!
*continues dicking skanks*
Heh, I like it tgat the recipe has a stripper name count, like a calorie count.
Brandy and Cinnamon, I presume.
Mj pushed Jimbro’s post down like Bill dicking a Bimbo while Hillary recovers from “pneumonia”
Speaking of dicking bimbos
She was just puttin some knowledge to the young gentlemen.
Knowledge such as “kids, this is what crazy looks like. Don’t date this, and for God’s sake, don’t marry it!”
The bar mitzvah context makes that even funnier.
Brandy and Cinnamon, I presume.
——————-
Correct my brown friend!
WTFITS?
Bartender! Mix me a Dicking Bimbo in a frosty mug!
That is a skank that I would not dick.
One Dicking Bimbo coming right up!
https://is.gd/uY5ilv
I’ve accomplished about zero today. ugh.
I should just completely surrender and go read a book.
I’m having lunch w Mrs. Pendejo and tell her about this poat unveiling the newest cocktail, Dicking Bimbos. She says, “there was already one of those. It was called roofies.” Making your spouse laugh is big.
I didn’t see Leon mentioned in this story.
http://spectrum.ieee.org/cars-that-think/transportation/self-driving/a-ride-in-fords-selfdriving-car
Over under on Hillary not making through the speech today:
1 to 1.01.
Pendejo, my impact on the program ended about 5 minutes after I left the building that Friday. I’ve had that same ride.
You will never see me in a car with no controls.
For instance, the four, $8,000 lidar sets on the roof, which reach only 80 meters, will soon be replaced by just two sets that can see about twice as far.
Ha. Those aren’t $8k.
The critical point here is that Ford is designing a car that will do it all, all at once—a kind of technological Great Leap Forward from today’s cars—with their ADAS, advanced driver assistance technologies.
The author is an imbecile. Does he know that the GLF killed 50 fucking million people?
Gov’t is so stupid. When we go in to renew our pistol permits we have to bring our birth certificates to prove we’re legal citizens.
The fact that we were previously issued permits isn’t enough.
Journalists are generally very sloppy lazy people. And in the main, they get paid very little.
One relatively bright young man that I work with has a new journo degree and has already enrolled in paralegal school. Too bad he didn’t see the writing on the wall until after his journo school professors had wrung their dollars from him.
My niece is in J school.
Sad face. She’s very smart and will probably be successful but I fear she’ll be like every other journalist.
By the time she graduates she’ll be a full blown leftard. Family get togethers will be a fucking blast.
Bonus Nachos!
And some content from the left.
Maybe it’s a stealth hit piece and the author is being clever…
They’re so sad.
Most of these so called enlightened people spent all week telling us that anyone who doesn’t think like them is an irredeemable loser. We need to bend the knee or be cast into a basket of deplorables.
And that going down like you’ve been hit with a tranq dart is a sign of strength.
Fuck anyone with a byline right now.
The author is an imbecile. Does he know that the GLF killed 50 fucking million people?
He’d probably consider it a feature.
Scott I am a strong advocate of restricting second amendment right to legal citizens only. No Green card holders, no legal visa holders and definitely not Illegals.
Of course that does not mean I want govt to be able to look at your papers and find reasons to deny permits
I will bet anything that she says something like, “you working mothers know how hard is to take a day off. So much is demanded of us. We’re the backbone of the country that powers through to get things done.”
It will sound like this though, “YOU workING MOTHERS know HOW HARD. POWER THROUGH things AND take a DAY off. BACKBONE!!!!!”
*thud*
I agree Tushar, just find it stupid that we have to prove we’re citizens for the 2nd time.
When I was in Catholic school every time we were to receive a new sacrament – penance, eucharist, confirmation – we had to bring in our baptismal certificate.
You couldn’t enroll in the school without showing your baptismal certificate, so the very fact that you were in the school was proof you were baptized.
Plus, I was baptized at that parish.
It was stupid.
Hahaha. This video is going to leave a mark.
Trump is within the margin of error in VA.
Heads are exploding.
I am loving this.
I like the LA Times poll putting Trump over Hillary.
I want Hillary not to win for the good of the country, but honestly, I think I want Trump to win to make lefties crazy and #neverTrumpers to crap their collective pants.
My mom’s passport expired when she was in the hospital. She doesn’t have a birth certificate. Born at home. Has a record of birth. Not enough to get a new passport under new rules. Heh.
Mare, I’m still camp LIFB. I H8 Hatch, McCain, Flake, and Lindsey as much as Searchlight. Fuck ’em
I have all that crap (baptismal certificate, birth cert., SS card, childhood immunizations, military immunizations, etc) in one place. I’m sure it’s a safe and secure place because I have no flippin’ idea where that is. If they aren’t in one of a few places in my office then I have no idea where they are.
I have all my important stuff in a bug-out bag.
In case of emergency, all I have to do is grab that bag, wife and kids, and get out of Dodge.
Passports, bank and property papers, car titles, all there.
I have all of my important stuff in my basket of deplorables.
Sorry for this post
Pretty Sure my passport expires in 3 days…..doubtful I’ll need one again. If I travel anymore it’ll be within the confines of this heah ewenited states of merica.
In breaking news, Hillary’s poll numbers took a tumble in Iowa.
Witnesses saw two MSM agents trying to hold the numbers up while agents brought around a van and whisked the numbers away for spin treatment in undisclosed media rooms.
Witnesses saw a single shoe left behind at the scene.
Play a game. Last country visited on your passport?
How old are you, Troy?
I advise you to keep the passport current even if you don’t need it, for the same reason you keep food in the house even though you may not be hungry this exact moment.
Visit with MiL today. Woman kept bugging us. She was making MiL nervous. She told us to watch out for the bear on the other side of the garden. We moved to the other side of the garden. Dan thought it was funny that she said the “Little Bear” was my height.
Last country on my passport was West Germany.
My passport is barely a month old, so no country stamps on it yet.
I was pleading with my wife to finally visit UK. I always wanted to see Old Blighty. Always curious just who ARE these mad men who came from a tiny island and ruled a major chunk of this planet.
I don’t currently have a passport. Or a birth certificate. Or any records at all. Supposedly, there was a fire in St Louis that affected military records. All my church stuff lost.
Tushar, you need to read trashy romance novels like I do. The men who stood and fought Napoleon by the rules they learned at Eton. And the Scottish troops that fought the hardest, while their way of life was being stolen from them so they moved “Got Cleared” to come to America. My “Anglo” origins are Scots-Irish.
I learnt something new yesterday. The word Blighty that refers to England, originated in India.
Bilayat means a foreign country, and Bilayati means a foreigner.
In India, British officers were generally called Bilayatis.
The Brits started using that word too, and shortened it to Blighty.
Last country I visited was Canada, and I didn’t need a passport then. Have never had a passport.
Oso, I have a fascination with all the people from the British Isles. Scottish, Irish, English and Welch. Their ill treatment at the hands of each other notwithstanding, they were a formidable people for centuries.
I’ve had a passport for about 4 years. I’ve never traveled to another country on it.
XBrad, didn’t you need a passport when travelling on Uncle Sam’s dime?
I mean obviously not for entering Iraq, but Germany?
Tush, read about the Plantagenets. I like Sharon Key Penman. She has a mystery series as well. Kipling. I read trashy romance novels about the Raj and the Great Game too. Poetry.
Tush, I love South Africa. Zulu was one of my favorite movies. I love Ladysmith. Ric Rescorla is a her of mine. Men of Harlech
Cayman Islands
Oso, Kipling was inspired to write Jungle Book while living near the deep jungles that are an hours drive from my hometown in central India. All his characters are basically inhabitants of that jungle.
MJ, did you get my e-mail re: Saturday?
That is awesome!!! My dad instilled a love of Kipling in me. Did you know Mowgli? 😂😂😂
Oso, no. Mowgli was a bit before my time!
Wiser, out of curiosity, how much should an acceptable quality cello for a school child cost? The school is suggesting we rent one for a year for about $50 a month.
Mexico.
I’ve been to Canada 6 times in the last 15 years. Last “foreign” country was England/Ireland in 93 I think.
We called one of my more Feather Indian looking cousins “Mowgli”. She had the haircut. She’s a Dr. Not seeing any real problem.
Tushar, my parents bought me a cheap cello for $400. Of course that was in 1972. So that may not be helpful.
Canada, but that really doesn’t count. It’s just USA lite.
Last real one was Belize.
I’ve been to both Mexico and Canada. After Germany, but before passport BS.
Tushar, nope. I traveled to Germany (and a few other places) on a set of military orders and my service ID card. That was covered under the Status of Forces Agreement. I still had to fill out the customs paperwork, though.
Never figured PG as the orchestra type.
When I went to Austria with my college roomie, I had regular passport. Her dad was DoS Security. She had diplo passport. I ended up getting waived through. “Diplomatic Immunity!” DNC Huma hacks showed Clinton Fndtn $$$ trying to get diplo passports. Post 9/11. 🐸☕️
Never figured PG as the orchestra type.
Why? You didn’t count the skin flute?
More like a rusty trombone.
Canada. If you don’t count that, Italy.
MJ, did you get my e-mail re: Saturday?
———————-
Yep. I’m still deciding how to respond.
My ethnocentric islamophobe positions have totes ruined Dan’s potential foreign travel.
Reply sent.
Victoria Marten’s case has been compromised. Mom’s statement will likely be tossed. MFM coverage has poisoned the pool. Change of venue likely.
My ethnocentric islamophobe positions have totes ruined Dan’s potential foreign travel.
If they don’t have baseball stadiums, why bother?
Last foreign country I was in was your mom.
I have been to the contiguous countries when a passport was not required, and a several islands from the Bahamas south. My only passport stamp is St Martin.
CoAl, he wants to go to Australia/NZ.
Greetings, foreign devils.
Please tell me that the Dicking Bimbo is the DotW.
Last foreign country: Canada
Last passport stamp: France
Jay, my parents tried to raise civilized kids even though we were on the frontier of west Texas. I joined orchestra in 4th grade in exchange for not having to take piano lessons any longer. That was a shrewd deal I made cause orchestra practice was during the school day and piano practice wasn’t. I stuck with it through graduation. Now I wish like hell I could play the piano.
Also, the rest of y’all fuck off.
I’m not laughing, PG. I played vioin through 8th grade, because of my headgear.
After moving to Iowa, had to switch to tuba/bass guitar, no orchestra in a small school.
I gave my 3/4 violin to a niece for her to learn, it wasn’t deluxe enough. It’s too small for me anyway. I was a little guy that young.
I have never had a passport, nor have I ever been outside the boundaries of the United States, unless you count flying over the international waters between here and Hawaii.
Oso, doesn’t Australia have land sharks?
Fucking off, sir!
Who’s the faggot with the tuba?
Who’s the faggot with the tuba?
J’Ames!
You’re damn right.
Sousaphone players got to dick the chicks
Foreign Devils made me laugh in my head.
Tushar, I checked craigslist. A local music store sells used cellos for $100.
CoAl, I will never go to Aus/Nz. Ever!!! I don’t do crowds. I don’t do venomous creatures that seek my death. I would be fine if Dan traveled to places without me. Serial. I don’t know if I can go to Boston or NY, and he’s thinking Tokyo and Hong Kong?
I found your mom for $100 on craigslist.
I found her for $5.
That was after I was done with her.
Hahahaha
Love you fucking guys!
I’m binge not binge watching Narcos Season 2. Everyone at work is illegally buying illegal loaded Firesticks.
I don’t do venomous creatures that seek my death.
Don’t you live in a desert full of scorpions and spiders and gila monsters and shit?
dicking bimbos is now a poat category.
Sean, the Q is safe. Pepe lives with all the non-land of entrapment stuff. We just have to deal with wrongway drivers and drunk illegals. And gangs. And women in Sect 8 housing that pimp their 10 year olds out for sex.
Jay, I took no offense. I just didn’t want to miss an opportunity to tell everybody else (Hotspur) to fick off.
Sean, the Q is safe.
Okay. Sure. Whatever helps you to sleep at night.
Heh, YoungCons is reporting that Hillary had more people in her motorcade than her rally.
http://dailycaller.com/2016/09/15/hillary-throws-aides-under-the-bus-for-pneumonia-response-it-could-have-been-faster-video/
Bitch. Hope they don’t block the cameras then let you bounce on the pavement next time.
I sleep at night due to booze, sugar, and an available loaded weapon in every room. I have a safe room and a fire ladder.
I sleep at night due to your mom. She wears me out.
Hillary left a $600 shoe in the street. Don Bongnino WTELF had a video explaining the precise SS response to Pickles Mc Hackandghazi.
Dan totes doesn’t get shoes.
Managing Payless Shoe Source locations don’t count.
I didn’t care if you took offense. I just wanted to come clean about the violin/tuba thing.
I left a $600 shoe in your mom.
True Story. I have freaky feet. Dan managed shoe stores and neither one of us could wear Payless shoes. Dan has fully adopted Zappos for shoes. We work for Sam’s/WalMart. Can’t benefit from vendor agreements.
I only wear shoes for church or when I have to take Possum for walks.
Sugar me this. Dan just bribed me with leftover Cherry cheesecake. I will be checking out now for the diabeetus
Oso, please tell me you have cute and clean underwear. When the paramedics come and rip open your shirt to attach crap, you must look good and if they have to cut your cargo shorts off, well, just don’t embarrass the H2.
Cute underwear is a myth. Only worn in the movies.
Also link the guy who talks about Hilary’s shoe. I Lol’d at the hashtag #hillarysrightshoe
Leon, are you drunk?
Leon, I’m old and gross and have cute underwear, however, it’s cheap, I don’t spend $18 on a pair of undies or $100 for a bra. Knockoffs are just as nice. CHEAP KNOCKOFFS!!
No, just picking fights. Also realizing that I’ve barely worn shoes or pants in the last month or so.
I’ll try harder to be drunk, but I’m still working.
Cheap knockers.
I respect Leon’s last comment!
Always, always, always say “underpants” instead of any other word you might use. It’s empirically funnier.
Sean, you are correct,sir!
I almost said panties but for some reason that word makes me cringe.
When my youngest was about 2 she was helping me fold clothes and after folding (in her own precious, proud way) my husband’s underwear she said, “Here’s Daddy’s panties, Momma!”
Yikes.
I still think of that and laugh when I fold my husband’s underwear.
I am a shoes guy, and a long pants guy.
There are only about 12 living people who have seen my legs.
https://youtu.be/59oLURcPNo0
Scott, that is generally a good policy.
I have lived in Florida (separate times) 16 years and Hawaii (separate times) 11 years and unlike 99% of the population I did not like wearing flip flops. I’m a shoe person.
As an aside, where I taught in Hawaii shoes were not required and kids left flip flops, several pairs a day, in the hallway.
Hahahahaha, Sean. That is exactly what I think.
Shorts invite snake bites, bee stings, poison ivy, and cuts.
Screw that.
I wear long pants or no pants, unless we have company at the lake.
I like having my lower legs bare when it’s safe. I get a lot of sensory information from the skin and hair, and I prefer to walk barefoot as much as possible to keep my feet strong.
There was a defense conference here a few weeks ago. I went to a couple of the sessions and walked around the exhibit hall. When I left, there was a lady in the car next to mine in the parking garage trying to change clothes. Pretty bra, don’t know about the underpants.
I quit shorts in 1985.
Since then, if I rule out people I slept with, there are exactly 4 people who have seen me in shorts.
I have the whitest legs in the world. If they were any whiter, they’d be translucent. Still, it gets hot enough here that I’m glad I can wear shorts to work if I so choose.
If we didn’t take friends to our lake it would be zero.
Gotta have my shorts. And yes, cargo shorts.
So warm in the summer.
Well, I guess the Bills want to play this half.
You know Cyn is watching Ed Houchuli
He needs to be drug tested.
Wow, Snowden is “The best movie of the year!” Guess I better see it.
I went on a tour to the Cliffs of Moher last week. http://www.cliffsofmoher.ie/
The tour guide was talking about the various animals native to Ireland. he mentioned, ‘And we no snakes’.
I yelled back, ‘you’re freaking welcome!’
-Patrick
I miss Cyn.
I think Ed’s arms are bigger than mine.
No one tell Cyn that Ed lives in San Diego, a short stalking distance.
Stolen from FaceCock:
Barrack: How’s Hillary’s head?
Bill: She’s no Monica, that’s for sure.
I miss Cyn.
No, YOU Miss Mare.
Phat, I am using your SS gift RIGHT NOW!
gross
Be sure to wash it when you’re done
Scott, it wasn’t a sex toy or anything.
Not like the 5 bullwhips you have up your ass RIGHT NOW!
My brother (middle name Patrick, btw) toured the Cliffs of Moher while he was there earlier this year. He visited the country’s only fjord, too. The pics he took were stunning. I may have to get that passport and get out of the USA after all.
Off to Sao Paolo this Sunday. Next to Amsterdam, it’s my favorite layover.
Cheap beer, awesome steak and amazing women.
Ireland was fun and I had a great time, but Brazil kicks ass. Really need to start working on my Portugese.
My super straight husband fell into an Amsterdam cannel.
He still laughs about it then says a prayer of thanksgiving.
One in a million Doc.
When did they move Sao Paulo next to Amsterdam? You’d think that would have been big news.
Once upon a time, when I was young, the rocks were cooling, and dinosaurs still walked the earth, I wore shorts while motor cycling.
A bumblebee flew(was inducted, dragged, was intercepted)up my left pantleg(shortleg?), was inconvenienced, and proceeded to sting me multiple times, I ended up screeching to a halt and pounding my leg with my fist(stop hitting yourself!) until the bee was dead and fell out.
I still have the scar…
Shorts are a scam.
Last time I wore pants was back in May when we buried mom.
Amsterdam is the trip that goes the ‘most senior’ on the 767.
I think it’s a combination of a short bus ride to the hotel (20 mins vs. over an hour for Sao Paolo, London and Paris) and a very easy security/customs process for aircrew.
I tend to fly one Amsterdam, one London and one Sao Paolo trip each month and that is perfect.
We start flying Chicago – Paris next month on the 767. Never been to Paris.
Your mom didn’t like Amsterdam.
And my Mom never fell into a canal.
Or, unlike yours, ever worked in the Red Light District.
phat, I think you’ve said, and I forgot, but are you an AA guy?
She was the canal.
My roomate and I banged a set of twins from Amsterdam.
Pendejo,
To United Airlines great shame, I’ve flown for them for 16 years.
XBrad,
I bet those guys were a good lay!
I’m the AA guy, PG.
And I’m damned proud to know ya, Seanm.
Sorry if I slandered you, phat.
I was in Austin on business a couple of weeks ago and took my wife with me because she really needed to get away from bumfuck for a while. Since she was with me, I went ahead and sprung for a nice hotel downtown. While waiting for housekeeping to get a room for us, we sat down in the bar area. A bunch of airline types came and sat near us for the same reason, their rooms weren’t ready yet. Listening to them talk, it quickly occurred to me that they were Brits. I’m thinking, “What the fuck are Brits doing in a small market like Austin?” Turns out British Airways has a non-stop from Austin to LHR and vice versa everyday. Whodathunkit?
PG,
Not a surprise at all. We fly to some smaller markets in Europe that I would never have guessed.
Manchester, Edinborough, Shannon.
All are great towns and a lot of fun.
PG,
‘getting away from bumfuck’ may be the best line written on this site in the last few years.
Works on so many levels.
Where in the US do you fly to Manchester from, phat? That’s a city I’d like to visit.
Why you no fly to Womanchester?
Womanchester is where some of our British BBF gals hail from.
So what happened to Cyn?
Last I heard, she was mainly sick of your bullshit, Clint.
So, THANKS A LOT, BUDDY.
Sean sent her into the cornfield.
I actually sent her out to get some corned beef sammiches and she never came back.
There are only about 12 living people who have seen my legs.
How many have you killed?
Puppeh asking the question we were all too afraid to ask.
I think we’re gonna end up with a 269-269 tie. Colorado will swing to Trump by hair’s breadth and we’ll spend a month watching pundits and die-hard supporters lose their everloving shit.
I hope there are street brawls. You can’t do a good Weimar re-enactment without street brawls.
I feed you I derp you
My day and my night
I need you I need you
By sun or candlelight
You protest
You want to leave
Stay
Oh, there’s no alternative