Good morning boys and girls. I’ll confess that I went to bed last night having completely forgotten about this, but as I drifted off in to sweet dreams I was suddenly jerked awake with the thought that I had agreed to do this week’s BBF. So this BBF is thrown together at the last minute, but really isn’t that the standard with this place? You don’t get the BBF you want, but perhaps the BBF you need, and even deserve.
Today in history the following shit occurred:
3114 BC – The Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, used by several pre-Columbian Mesoamerican civilizations, notably the Mayans, begins. The calendar predicts the destruction of humanity during a battle between the “golden-coiffed god of wealth” and the “screeching soul-eating harpy” at the end of days.
2492 BC – Traditional date of the defeat of Bel by Hayk, progenitor and founder of the Armenian nation.
106 – The south-western part of Dacia (modern Romania) becomes a Roman province: Roman Dacia.
355 – Claudius Silvanus, accused of treason, proclaims himself Roman Emperor against Constantius II.
490 – Battle of Adda: The Goths under Theodoric the Great and his ally Alaric II defeat the forces of Odoacer on the Adda River, near Milan. They celebrate their victory by listening to their Cure albums and smoking clove cigarettes.
1332 – Wars of Scottish Independence: Battle of Dupplin Moor: Scots under Domhnall II, Earl of Mar are routed by Edward Balliol. Also known as a Tuesday night in Scotland.
1473 – The Battle of Otlukbeli: Mehmed the Conqueror of the Ottoman Empire decisively defeats Uzun Hassan of Aq Qoyunlu.
1675 – Franco-Dutch War: Forces of the Holy Roman Empire defeat the French in the Battle of Konzer Brücke.
1786 – Captain Francis Light establishes the British colony of Penang in Malaysia.
1804 – Francis II assumes the title of first Emperor of Austria.
1812 – Peninsular War: French troops engage British-Portuguese forces in the Battle of Majadahonda. Sean Bean distinguishes himself in the battle.
1813 – In Colombia, Juan del Corral declares the independence of Antioquia, followed immediately by the exportation of large amounts of cocaine to the US.
1898 – Spanish–American War: American troops enter the city of Mayagüez, Puerto Rico. Thirty are soon struck down by venereal disease, twenty more marry local girls to bring back to the US, and most of the rest are restricted to their barracks following an incident involving a local dancer, a donkey, and a barrel of whiskey.
1918 – World War I: The Battle of Amiens ends. No one notices, because everyone is dea.
1919 – The constitution of the Weimar Republic is adopted. Attempts to rename it the Weiner Republic were defeated in a narrow vote.
1920 – The Latvian–Soviet Peace Treaty, which relinquished Russia’s authority and pretenses to Latvia, is signed, ending the Latvian War of Independence.
1929 – Babe Ruth becomes the first baseball player to hit 500 home runs in his career with a home run at League Park in Cleveland, Ohio. This is the last time that Cleveland has anything close to a successful sporting event.
1942 – Actress Hedy Lamarr and composer George Antheil receive a patent for a Frequency-hopping spread spectrum communication system that later became the basis for modern technologies in wireless telephones and Wi-Fi. The former later was involved in a scandal to steal land from salt-of-the-earth farmers before the railroad went through.
1945 – Poles in Kraków engage in a pogrom against Jews in the city, killing one and wounding five. In other words, just another Friday afternoon.
1949 – United Nations Security Council Resolution 72 and 73 are adopted on Palestinian question. Unfortunately the question of “Why the fuck are we in any way supporting these nutjobs?” remains unanswered.
1952 – Hussein bin Talal is proclaimed King of Jordan against his wishes. He is forcibly relocated from the European hotel where he lived and banged blond models.
1959 – Sheremetyevo International Airport, the second-largest airport in Russia, opens. The airport comes complete with a storage area for your carry-on chickens.
1960 – Chad declares independence from sobriety.
1961 – The former Portuguese territories in India of Dadra and Nagar Haveli are merged to create the Union Territory Dadra and Nagar Haveli. Residents celebrate with a massive elaborately choreographed dance. 1400 are killed.
1962 – Vostok 3 launches from the Baikonur Cosmodrome and cosmonaut Andrian Nikolayev becomes the first person to relinquish Soviet claims on gravity.
1965 – Race riots (the Watts Riots) begin in the Watts area of Los Angeles, California. Democrats everywhere decide that this sounds like a great idea for urban renewal on the cheap.
1968 – The last steam hauled train runs on British Rail
1972 – Vietnam War: The last United States ground combat unit leaves South Vietnam.
1975 – East Timor: Governor Mário Lemos Pires of Portuguese Timor abandons the capital Dili, following a coup by the Timorese Democratic Union (UDT) and the outbreak of civil war between UDT and Fretilin. World continues not to care.
1984 – “We begin bombing in five minutes”: United States President Ronald Reagan, while running for re-election, jokes while preparing to make his weekly Saturday address on National Public Radio. Millions kind of wish he hadn’t been joking.
We’ll start out with a classic. This woman has graced the screen and pinup pictures, and many a young man beat his dick like it owed money to her glorious orbs. Unfortunately her “charms” are balanced out by the horror that she inflicted on the world. I talk about, of course, Law and Order: SVU, also known as “Law and Order: It’s the White Republican’s Fault”, starring her daughter, Mariska Hartigay.
Please welcome Ms. Jayne Mansfield!
Now with that finished, on to our next model!
This Ecuadorian lovely stands at 5’3″ tall and weighs in at 135 pounds. Her measurements are 42-24-34. Please welcome… Ms. Antonella Kahllo!
And with that, go forth to face the day. Or hide out and talk to your imaginary friends in the magical light-box. I don’t have a job and classes don’t start for another two weeks, so guess which option I’m going to choose.
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