Good day, hose fornicators. Today’s BBF is of the traditional variety that you’ve cum to know and love. No, I’m not talking about dick swinging trannies, or farm animals in provocative poses. I’m talking ’bout all natural, the size as airships, round as Charlie Brown’s head, big fat titties!!!!!!!!
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I wrote this song for Rush back in the ’70s. Geddy Lee and I were hanging out playing Dungeons and Dragons when he put down his bottle of 7UP and said, “MJ, how can I possibly portray myself as a bigger dork? I already wear women’s kimonos on stage, I look like your mom on crack, and given the chance to change my name to Count von Hugecock I decided to stay with Geddy?” I told me to write a song about a 19th century American novel. Fin.
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Today’s model is an import from a North African country called the Ukraine. She graduated with a marketing degree from BigTit U, with a 44-24-36. Past that, I don’t give a shit. Fuck you, I have big tits!!!111!!!! Please welcome a newbie….Sha Rizel.
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Yes, it’s true. I’ve been neglecting you and feeding you shit sandwiches for the sole purpose of busting out this magnificent hottie. “Don’t worry Tina, I’ll be good to you this time,” said Ike Turner. For you morons that are incapable of understanding metaphor, I’ve been bitch slapping you, but I promise to love you forever. This time. Swearsies. Now take this test for me and go make me a sammich, ho.
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1204 – Baldwin IX, Count of Flanders is crowned as the first Emperor of the Latin Empire.
1568 – Mary, Queen of Scots, flees to England.
1770 – 14-year old Marie Antoinette marries 15-year-old Louis-Auguste who later becomes king of France.
1843 – The first major wagon train heading for the Pacific Northwest sets out on the Oregon Trail with one thousand pioneers.
1868 – President Andrew Johnson is acquitted in his impeachment trial by one vote in the United States Senate.
1920 – In Rome, Pope Benedict XV canonizes Joan of Arc.
1943 – Holocaust: The Warsaw Ghetto Uprising ends.
1975 – Junko Tabei becomes the first woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
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Drink of the Week:
Bourbon. Don’t fuck it up.
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Flawlessly naming puppies since March 2009 
Greetings, people who are untainted by scandal but are tainted by other things.
Wow
She seems nice.
Crosstit.
Seriously, wow.
How in the hell did she not see that there was a dirty cup in her sink before she posed for that last shot?!
Obama’s having another star-studded concert in the White House.
How in the hell did she not see that there was a dirty cup in her sink before she posed for that last shot?!
I think she’s reaching for the sponge to clean the cup.
Where are the links?
I cry bullshit.
Sha Rizel isn’t a real name. That sounds like a snoop doggie dog word.
*looks at pic of model blowing bubbles*
*changes name to Bubbles*
looks at pic of model blowing bubbles*
*changes name to Bubbles*
That’s not going to work. SHe looks like she could be pre-med. Or pre-law.
Yeah, I don’t think she’s reaching for a sponge exactly, but I could be wrong.
Yeah, I don’t think she’s reaching for a sponge exactly, but I could be wrong.
I don’t think you’re supposed to use the kind of sponge she’s reaching for on your dishes.
Maybe that’s some magic way to get the dishes clean?
I don’t want to impugn my manhood or nothin’, but she’s not very attractive. All the right parts, but the ensemble isn’t very compelling.
I think the link at Ace’s sidebar made for a much more satisfying viewing experience.
I don’t think you’re supposed to use the kind of sponge she’s reaching for on your dishes.
*wonders if that cup is sponge worthy*
This is the way I get the dishes clean.
Carin, why are you doing all the chores? That’s what kids are for. Beat ’em until they shape up.
Geoff, I don’t disagree with you, but I would like to present 2 very compelling arguments that may have an overriding factor in her attractiveness quotient. If it pleases the court, I would like to submit boob #1 (right boob) and boob #2 (left boob) for your consideration.
Carin’s kids are spoiled.
If it pleases the court, I would like to submit boob #1 (right boob) and boob #2 (left boob) for your consideration.
As I said, she did have some pretty decent parts.
*wonders if that cup is sponge worthy*
Cyn is picking up on what I’m laying down.
This is the way I get the dishes clean.
https://thehostages.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/dishes.jpg
This works good for laundry too.
Whoa!
And car washes.
And, for the more ample lady, house painting.
Needs more airbrushing.
Ouch, slivers!
Needs more airbrushing.
In the short term, yes. But she really needs a dermatologist to keep an eye on some of those moles.
Nice stills. Does she act too?
Needs more lip enhancement.
Cross-lip.
O/T, but look–it’s another phony hate crime!
Not that it really makes things any better, but at least this one doesn’t seem to be politically motivated.
Needs more lip enhancement.
That last pic? Baby Fish Mouth
SRSLY?
Nobody’s chimed in with “What knockers!” yet?
It’s like I don’t know you people!
*walks away, shaking head in disappointment*
Speaking of “things that turn out to not be hate crimes after all”, has anyone heard anything else on that daycare case in Florida?
The one where the (backwards) swastikas were spray painted on the walls?
There was such eleventy!!!1111!!!! outrage about it, then……nothing.
And why isn’t the media covering the St. Skittles trials down there either? A few inconvenient truths coming out in discovery, perhaps?
*streaks thru blog wearing bells and a feather boa*
Woo hoo!
Cyn?
Wait… was that the plan all along?! DAMMIT.
Very close, Pepe, but I think my hair is long than hers now.
You know, it may be kind of late to say this, but if you philistines don’t appreciate fine art, I’m just going to take my nude portrait of Bea Arthur and go home.
Good evening fornicators!
Paying bills and hanging out with the youngest phatspawn tonight.
Anyone got any cool plans?
Hold on to you your hat, but I’ve got… BUNCO on Saturday night. I know!!
Slow all week, so I tell Laura to stay home and enjoy the sunshine.
Slammed.
I’m working all weekend.
Morning shift on Sat, swing shift on Sun and then three mids in a row.
Our scheduler hates me.
wiserbud, AOS has a soundtrack thread for your radio show up.
You make ONE ‘chinese jet pilot’ joke to a certain person of chinese extraction and your quality of life takes a hit.
http://tinyurl.com/amxtkrj
You make ONE ‘chinese jet pilot’ joke to a certain person of chinese extraction and your quality of life takes a hit.
That’s when you go with the Jack Burton quote:
Links are semi updated.
Flat iron steak fried up and served with horse cream sauce and iced tea on the side. After this I get to mow, then sleep.
Youngest phat-spawn gets to pick dinner tonight.
My money is on lasagna (good Eye-Ty take out place in town), but she may surprise me.
Drove an hour to play a beautiful and challenging course in York, PA. Sunny, 74F and a one-club wind. Springwood Golf Club. Dramatic elevation changes and fast, sloping greens.
*looks at booby ‘model’*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdB2-4F8UYY
Dan is making stir fry. I have no idea what will be in it other than jalapeños, sprouts, chicken, water chestnuts.
Dick Cheney cameo.
Afternoon.
Like my new tats?
http://tinyurl.com/bdnoc66
hawt
>>>wiserbud, AOS has a soundtrack thread for your radio show up.
Damn, talk about the perfect playlist!
Someone even mentioned Wildfire
Nice to see Andy stealing my ideas though.
Makes me feel all important an’ shit
Do we get to see your playlist?
NPR link about cover songs for wiserbud
http://www.npr.org/blogs/therecord/2013/05/13/182880665/covering-pop-hits-on-youtube-is-starting-to-pay
You show us your playlist and we’ll show you ours.
weekend is here homos. anybody else using alcohol to partially commit suicide tonight?
I got yer playlist right here!
I’m on call all weekend PG. If I even think about a beer my phone goes off and I need to go in.
*tries not to think of an elephant*
That doesn’t sound like a half bad plan, PG.
weekend is here homos. anybody else using alcohol to partially commit suicide tonight?
No, but I will be nursing a drink at the bar while I admire the female bartender’s ass.
I plan on drinking heavily. . .
*low wolf whistles at Oso*
Niiiice playlist!!
OMG OMG OMG !!eleventy!!!1!1!1
The Mossberg I purchased 11/14/2012????
IT’S IN!
*tries not to think of an elephant*
Math works too. I heard.
Right after the election —— Obamossberg.
YAAAAY SCOTT!!
Now try and get ammo… bahahahahahahaha!
Yay Scott! Hahaha Cyn.
We have plenty. I invested heavily last year.
You know what? Fuck mowing.
Do you *really* believe that there’s some stored up conflict that exists between us? There *is* no us.
Guy told me that my 14 day cooling off period expired and that I would have to cool off again.
That makes sense.
Permit saved me.
FFS. You might as well live in MD.
I did my mowing yesterday Leon. I had to, grass was 8″ in some spots. Some spots needed a few passes. The blade height was 3 1/2 inches so I’ll be mowing again by midweek.
**googles #4 buckshot**
Stunned that this didn’t make the list:
You have to cool off again? You’ve been cooling for 6 fuckin months!
I know it’s from 1980, but Don Williams “I Believe In You”
Very smooth.
Without a permit, yes. Cooling off credit expires after 6 months.
Mine’s probably about 8″ already. Probably 10″ by Monday night.
(LHF)
I just got some 30 rd magazines I ordered from DSG Arms back in late December. They were 10 for $100 for PMAG’s. This was at the height of Newtown hysteria so the fact they honored this previously advertised special was good.
I like Don Williams. C’mon…little baby ducks, old pickup trucks.
I haven’t bought guns nor ammo since about mid ’10. Prolly short sighted on my part.
It’s raining in B’ham.
Speaking of stupid, there was a lady who opened up a food cart in our parking lot. It took her weeks and weeks to get all the permits, inspections, and zoning variances approved. Her food was awesome and everyone loved her.
Her one year license was up for renewal and she asked if she could extend her hours of operation. The town denied her request.
She tries to renew and the town says no. They tell her that since her last license request had been denied she has to start all over again.
She jumped through hoops for a couple of weeks and then said “fuck it” and put her cart up for sale.
Scott, I see so many businesses just giving up. We are being “Tasked” to keep our business members and build on our numbers. I wonder if HQ even reads a newspaper.
Just wait for Obamacare to kick in.
Our Club is still 7 full timers over the base. As people move up or move on, they aren’t being replaced.
Rep Mike Kelly R-PA kicked all kinds of ass today.
Yes he did.
I’m a business member oso which is leftover from my days in private practice. It was a small group and I paid their membership. We bought office supplies there. I kept it going for me when I joined the hospital mainly for the expanded hours. Nice to get in and get out early in the AM.
Jimbro, lately, most business members are only paying for their renewals, add ons are on their own. Used to be a benefit that small business provided for their employees…not so much.
>> Nice to get in and get out early in the AM.
Well, yeah.
Wait, what?
Not exactly what I meant Dave but I like the way you’re thinking!
I don’t trust any of the government economic reports. It’s all bullshit. Unemployment is down! Economy is turning around! What they are saying doesn’t match what I’m seeing.
The concrete guys had 16 employees 4 years ago, now, 2, and they’re not full time. He was really glad to work on my shop. Most of his jobs are small.
Pepe, even the illegals that have Business memberships are struggling. We went on a business blitz in the South valley and strip malls are empty!
From Instapundit
http://news.discovery.com/tech/gear-and-gadgets/sexcereal-boasts-spoonfuls-of-libido-boosts-130513.htm
Did anybody realize that the profile they came up with for the FBI sounded quite a bit like anybody else today?
Hold my beer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFQG7pwnZEw&t=7s
Just watched a Michael Caine movie i was not aware of: “Harry Brown”.
Awesome. Kind of like ‘Taken” except the protagonist is a pensioner with COPD.
There is a nice subtext of British gun laws and thuggery that works nicely.
It’s a bit dark, but two anteater claws up.
I liked Harry Brown.
Phat – It is, indeed, an excellent film.
Blah blah diabetes blah. Dan steams vegetables and then serves stir fry on top. Very yummy. Favorite local restaurant does the same for me.
Stir fry what? Dog? Buffalo? Pork? Siamese cat?
Mare?
Dog is yummy, but tonight it was chicken.
I also enjoyed Harry Brown.
While watching ‘Harry Brown’ I was a bit pedantic in telling the kids why that couldn’t happen here.
Oldest Phat-spawn: Why? Because you’ve got like ten guns?
Youngest Phat-Spawn: More like 10 long guns, 4 handguns and a crapload of ammo. Jesus dad!, do we really need to prep for the Zombie Apocalypse?
Me: *wiping away a tear* Yep.
It couldn’t happen here outside of Chicago, NYC, MD, and DC.
And those places are begging for it like a drunk girl in a short skirt at a frat party.
begging for it like a drunk girl in a short skirt at a frat party.
“I’m jus’ gonna lay down here foraminute. . .”
Hi H8ter’s
Happy Friday.
Why thank you, yes I’ll have a Bourbon Rocks.
I saw Harry Brown open for GG Allin back in ’91.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/may/12/boyfriend-says-my-vagina-is-repulsive
I think he means vulva.
Mulva? (Looks around for Cyn)
For Leon
Velly nice.
From the “advice” in Zman’s link…
No way in the world that’s going to backfire! Please, write a followup letter and tell everyone how that worked out for you.
Sleep time.
Deloris!
Why doesn’t Wiserbud solicit help for his playlist from Mcpo, Car in, and I?
Pepe, that pic is in my “best butts” folder for future use at the Captives.
Mrs Cyn. Several people commented about my fish shirt today.
Either I am stylin
or in deep doodoo
Hostages Community Theater Presents: “Advice in Action”
Grauniad Girlfriend: “I understand that you don’t like my vagina, so let’s watch this educational DVD.”
Disgusted Boyfriend: “Oh, right, an ‘educational DVD.’ Sounds hot!”
GGF: “No, really, it’s something that [reads DVD case] ‘accentuates sexual and physical diversity.’ See, it’s ‘facilitated’ by these old hippies in caftans and has a pan flute soundtrack.”
DBF: “I never want to see you or your ugly vagina ever again.”
FIN
god damn my right knee hurts
Listen and all will be made clear!
I presented the vagina thing without comment.
I have decided to break my silence and suggest that any woman that wants to show me her vagina; I will truthfully say it is beautiful. I may or may not want to get to know it better, but show away!
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The one you didn’t replace?
‘Course! Bionic knees don’t hurt!
the one I didn’t replace.
speaking of ouches.. how’s the nail Scott?
Been there, 3 times. Mine sailed off in 8 weeks. Your’s is stubborn, but I still recommend no yanking. Let it go in it’s time.
Dave – It appears that the knee itself is going to make the decision for you, re: replacement time.
10 freaking weeks tomorrow.
One side is completely out, the other is hanging on.
I might do some cutting tomorrow.
I am only working 1/2 day next Friday.
Time to go legit with Texas inspection Tags and drivers license.
I have heard this may take more than a day. On the other hand Zeke will be legit tomorrow
OK, goodnight you ass clowns.
I will be at work at 0600 and will post a poat of epic lameness.
You’re welcome.
Phat – Thank you for standing the watch.
look forward to it Phat
I bid you all a fond adieu!
GN yo.
Why are yall not discussing the hiring of jobs in the PB? Nabors is hiring, Basic is hiring, Key is hiring…..even the evil fucking Haliburton is hiring. Why is this being boycotted by the msb’s. (mainstream blogs)
Pottery Barn? Pitney Bowes? Palm Beach? Punky Brewster?
Permian Basin.
Scott. Having been there three times, and having cut it off the first time..
do not do. Let it come as the other one grows in.
This is my counsel. From sperience. Tape it some more and let it go of it’s own accord.
Those jobs are too much like work. I want a job with the IRS.
I am happily employed PG at a high paying job (for me)
Do you have a link for Halliburton, or any others? Do you get any bonus for hires? You can have it all.
No cut. Got it, thanks.
Scott, it’ll come off when you reach into your pocket.
You’re welcome.
This isn’t a hangnail. It’s a nail nail. I can’t believe how many pain nerves are buried under these, and I’ve smacked mine enough times to kill a nail 3x.
I suspect nails are to protect us from this pain, until we get stupid
blerg
It was slow, but the tips were good.
[take it away xbrad]
Car In, can I commit waitress-cide when I say “Hamburger, plain, just the meat and the bun.”
And the waitress asks “Do you want cheese on that?”
Mundane. No. Otherwise I could also kill a guest when EVERY ONE AT THE TABLE, one at a time, ASKS ME WHAT SOUPS WE HAVE.
It would be a fuckin bloodbath.
Every time I order black coffee, they bring cream, sugar and a spoon.
Every time.
What is up with that?
Scott – long days. Customers start melting into each other. And they don’t want to have to go back to get it.
I always double check that they want it black, because it does save me trouble.
(we keep sugar on the table – so if I’m unsure I bring a dish of creamer that I can take away.)
True Story of Horror Ordering a Meal:
I was taking my son to a fast food place that will remain nameless, but it rhymes with “Jarl’s Cunior”, and I went to the drive through
Me: “Hi, I would like a plain ( name brand hamburger), just the meat and the bun, small fries and a diet Dr. Pepper” (The Boy drinks water, I drink his soda)
Voice: “Would you like cheese on that (name brand burger)?”
Me: “No. Plain. Meat. Bun.”
Voice: Ok, would you like to get a medium fries for thirty nine cents more?”
Me: “No. Just a small fries.”
Voice: “What would you like to drink…?”
Lauraw home yet?
Medium fries for 39 cents sounds like a deal …
Yep.
So, what were the soups today, Car In?
fail at reading comprehension “…thirty nine cents MORE
You had to be stylin, Zman. They know good taste when they see it.
*shoots mundane in the face with hot-oil cannon.
So. How was work?
My tray-carrying arm is KILLING me tonight. I don’t really know what happened, but at the end of my shift I realize it was simply killing. It may have been the cult workout. I dunno. I’m trying to medicate with booze at the moment, but I may have to move onto actual pain-relieving drugs.
Thanks Car in, that makes sense now.
It’s a matter of efficiency.
No, I got it mundane. Why you hating the medium fries for a mere 39 cents more?
People also probably order it black and change their minds.
Because people are idiots.
Mundane, I ordered a cheeseburger once, “hold the mayo, hold the onion.” I got a hamburger with only mayo and onion.
Because people are idiots.
Yes.
There’s some of the trendy coffees that are nearly undrinkable black. Very, very bitter.
Because people are idiots.
This.
Plus, if multiple people order coffee – it’s best to bring them all the same, because the one who wanted it black is going to be the one who gets the cream … yada yada yada.
If I’m busy, I cover all my bases.
That’s smart, Car in.
Our coffee sucks.
bringing them cream is a favor.
Just got back from hanging out at Kona Grill with our old neighbor (back in town on business). Our server was awesome; always kept an eye on us and our drinks never got empty.
I get a kick out of our special orders. Some make sense, an some are just silly.
No onion in the salad.
Really? It’s about THREE onion ringlets just sitting on the top of the lettuce.
Removing those three rings is just TOO much work for you at the table? No worries. I got it.
My favorite is the NO TOMATOES NO LETTUCE on the burgers.
Which are merely served on the side. Apparently it’s just too offensive to even have them on your plate.
>> What is up with that?
It’s your hair.
Crappy coffee? I hate that.
Apparently it’s just too offensive to even have them on your plate.
And if they touch the buns?! Eleventy!!1
I wouldn’t know if the onions were three rings or a plentiful fine chop that’s hard to pick. Besides, it’s a waste if we’re not going to eat it. Save it for someone who’ll eat it instead of the garbage bin.
And there better not be any olives in the salad.
hard to pick out.
I’m tired.
I honestly don’t mind the lettuce and tomato on the plate, it is just, well, The Boy is severely autistic. More than once we would get a burger with mayo spread on it and then scraped off. He would not eat it. Same with cheese. Then having a kid who is hungry and crying and confused on top of that.
And i was hating on the upsells because I gave a rather specific order and the Voice didn’t listen to a word of it because they had a script to follow or something.
Autistic or not, it’s not that difficult to fill that order. Even when my boys were little, had to order just plain burger, or burger ketchup only.
My sister is pretty deathly allergic to mushrooms. More than once, after asking the waitstaff to please double check with the kitchen that (entree name here) doesn’t have mushrooms, she’s kinda swelled up like a balloon.
“Whopper, no meat”
Paul Munch, Pearl City, HI, circa 1986.
The poor girl behind the counter was confuzzled.
That might confuse me too, X.
I get that tilted-dog-head-look when I start asking questions about how many ounces are in a french fry order now = gotta know for the Axeman and his insulin shot. But if you don’t tell them WHY you need to know, you keep getting that blank stare.
squishy hugs and good night!
Hawt dreams, Roamy.
It’s still raining here.
Did I mention I fucking hate rain?
I call the waaaambulance for you.
Actually, you could send that our way. TYIA
HAHA! http://i.imgur.com/3QjVq8X.jpg
the Dave, he sleeps
nite you savings times deniers
She has a mustache.
I’m out too. Happy dreams to all.
I saw 42 tonight. Excellent movie. One of Harrison Ford’s better roles.
Nite all…and I wonder, is there a patron saint of wait staff?
http://mentalfloss.com/article/50529/11-patron-saints-food-drink-and-those-who-make-them
So ya wanna dump out yo’ trick bag.
Ease on in a derp thang,
But you ain’t exactly sure what is derp.
Zeke lied when he said he had to go “out”
He really wanted to play
mumble grumble
Coffee, black.
Out the door>>>bone fixin’ time!
Morning.
Morning Jewstin. What are you not building today?
Going in alone again.
Booo
Big day today Dave?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJlzHuvDtRM
Lawn mowing may be delayed.
F U next question.
HAH. I gave myself the day off Scott.
*where’s my putter?*
Morning children.
I honestly don’t mind the lettuce and tomato on the plate, it is just, well, The Boy is severely autistic. More than once we would get a burger with mayo spread on it and then scraped off. He would not eat it. Same with cheese. Then having a kid who is hungry and crying and confused on top of that
No I *get* that. I have a mom who brings in a boy who has – what I assume- issues. I don’t know how severe, but t I bring that burger exactly to order.
I also get the onion thing, although the regulars (which most are) should be well aware that it’s just three big rings. If it’s just a few people, and it’s slow, special orders are no big deal. BUt a big table, where EVERY salad has some different deal. Oye. It eats up a big chunk of your time, so don’t start wondering where your free drink refills are when I’m in the kitchen dealing.
wakey wakey
We don’t put anything on our burgers. unless it’s cheese, etc. Everything is on the side.
Pupstah!
http://tinyurl.com/a34qwc8
I don’t like pickles. I’ll ask for no pickles. If you put pickles on I can take them off, sure…but the pickle juice ruins the sandwich for me. Even a deli sandwich with the big old green sour dildo on the side turns my stomach.
I have pickle issues.
I’m thinking chain saw work for more than four hours causes permanent damage. It’s been a goddamn week for cryin out loud.
New poast.
>> I have pickle issues.
Let’s talk about your dad.
If it lasts for more than four hours you should see a doctor.