Even adults need to shake off the cobwebs and submit their list to Santa. Those little elves need a lot of lead time to mine the rare earth metals needed for your assorted electronic gewgaws. You don’t want to be the dunce who ends up with coal in your stockings.
October. Most normal kids are preoccupied with what “they will be” for Halloween. For other kids, it’s Halloween every day, so, no big deal. Boof. My teen step-son is delighted with volunteering at a local haunted house thing which is kind of a big deal around here. Fright At The Fort is held at Fort Knox (not that one).
This year it’s a Stephen King theme. Say what you want about his politics and desperate need for an editor but the guy has written some classic horror novels. Anyway, he’s in the Children Of The Corn part of the tour.
He’s pretty funny with his assessment of the crowd. As the evening wears on the attendees grow older, drunker and higher on marijuana. Some of the drunken idiots don’t take kindly to screaming like a schoolgirl in front of their dates. Every part of the exhibit has adult bouncers in it thankfully.
Dear weirdos,
It’s been awhile so allow me to update you on the status of the baber.
He’s about a year old.
The end.
BUT
Holy fish stick, this is a lot of work. If I would have known how much this little man would cut into my ‘ME’ time I’m not sure I would have made the same decision. I mean, can a guy get a break already? How am I expected to waste 23.5 hours a day if I have to change diapers, rock, feed, and entertain him?
What about me?
And for that matter, what about you?
How do you guys get by everyday without my insight, wit, and honest caring about your day to day obsessions? Who tells you to fuck off? Who urges you to eat those carbs, sleep in, watch a little incest pron, accuse your daughter’s paramour of being a loser and driving a shitty car, plant that weed, give yourself a prostate exam, or try to get in touch with Cyn one more time? Who fake internet laughs at your mom jokes? Who listens to your long boring stories and then responds with a one word phrase? Who pretends to like Hotspur? Who guesses your obscure derpy lyrics? Who admonishes xbrad and then takes a shower to wash off the xbrad?
Who?
And now some baby picture…
Man, it sure has sucked to be a leftie this last week or so. Outdone by Donny Two Scoops, the single biggest idiot ever to populate the White House (their words).
You people are old, I’m sure you can back me up on this: naps are pretty goddamn important.
Lets say you have a future little Alpha and you want to make sure he sleeps through the night. What to do? Well, it turns out that you have to put that little man down for 3, possibly 4 naps a day.
You want him to be less cranky? Nap that bish.
You need to do the dishes from last week’s fish fry? Nappy McNapatron.
You want to try to have rushed, awkward sex like xbrad in a flock of sheep when the sheepdog is grabbing a smoke? Nap time.
Jeez o’ Pete, why doesn’t someone give you a book when you take the baby home called, ‘Napping, a Guide to 21st Century Parenting, You Dumbfuck.’
You spend hours in parenting classes and they tell you that a little warmer for the butt wipes is a total waste of money (not true). They tell you that if you’re baby sleeps on his stomach certain death will follow (not true). They tell you that a baby doesn’t bounce (somewhat true).
But what they don’t tell you is that there’s a very simple equation for peach on earth:
Quality of Night Sleep (possibly getting laid) = Nap1(mins) x Nap2 (mins) x Nap3 (mins)
Jerks!
Anyway, if you want to see a new pic go to the POL tab and scroll down to the most handsome bastard this side of Brad Pitt’s mirror. He’s holding a baby.
Roamy must be busy, so I’ll throw together an HHD poat for her.
Watching OnDemand shows for NBC (The Brave, WOO HOO!) has exposed me to some cool Winter Olympics ads. Of course I can’t find a link to it, since NBC probably has it locked down (why on earth would you want to release an ad to the public? why, someone might SEE IT!) but take my word for it, coolness.
Time to start drawing up the menu and assembling ingredients for your Thanksgiving Day feast.
Jello turkey
The Official Sports Team of The Hostages
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