The List

Ok, so recently I was strongly encouraged to attend a struggle session at work, and it couldn’t have been more cringe. Think of that time Hotspur got caught in women’s underwear for the first time in the Macy’s dressing room. Take that, square it, add a cheese bag, and divide by the number of hot dogs Jay ate for breakfast.

Maximum cringe.

One of my favorite things that terrible public speakers all seem to do, is say that they want participation, discussion, disagreement, and debate. From there they generally talk for 20 minutes without taking a breath.

In that first 20 mins I learned a few things:

• Black women are obese because the heightened cortisol levels from being black and a woman leads to weight gain. The medical community needs to catch up with the science.
• Medicine should incorporate the lived experience of minorities and adjust the science.
• Illegal immigrants are treated differently in emergency rooms. They don’t get the care they need because they are undocumented and skipped over. This needs to change.
• Doctors assume black people in the ER who look like gangsters are up to no good and often ask them about drug use when they have symptoms that might be attributed to drug use.
• Unconscious bias leads doctors to make all kinds of mistakes like forgetting to give black women anesthesia while sewing them up after giving birth.
• ER doctors are straight white men.
• We spend most of our federal tax dollars on defense, not the social safety net. This is bad. Really bad.
• Systemic racism is factual. No evidence is needed of this fact.
• Being woke isn’t a great term for what we’re talking about but it is great because it’s like religion, as in you are awakened to the reality around you. Use JEDI instead after you are ‘awoken’. Justice, diversity, equity, and inclusion.
• You should advocate locally, form groups within the company to lobby local politicians for social justice issues. Use company time and resources to do this.
• Equity demands that we take from people who have enough and give it to those who don’t so we all start in the same place. An example might be taking from white people and giving to black people.

I can’t even begin to tell you how silly this was. The people leading my company are either 1) cowards or 2) total idiots.

But now that I really think about it, why not embrace the power of and. The people leading my company are cowards and idiots.

The next morning I decided I couldn’t let it go. Although it’s a voluntary exercise, everyone knows that we have to attend because the stasi needs to know you’re there. I wrote a quick email to my boss letting her know that I will never participate in something like that again, under any circumstances. Politics ruins everything, and work is hard enough. Employees don’t need to be wondering if they need to comply just to get ahead or if silence is violence. It distracts from the mission. Forward thinking companies are already moving away from this bullshit because it competes with the simple, everyday gaol of, you know, doing your job.

But just as Hotspur suffered only temporary embarrassment when he was caught in garters, a valuable lesson was learned. First, lock the door. Second, the people in the struggle session that were all too happy to declare themselves allies and wanted to know how they could help promote wokism in the company are on a list.

I shit you not, I keep a list. It’s in a tiny little black book called THE LIST. I keep a list of names that I will never, under any circumstances, help with their careers. If they work for me…welcome to an average review accompanied by minimum salary increases. If I’m asked about their performance…expect to hear something bland to negative. If I’m in a position to interview or promote…so sorry, not your cup of tea.

Six new names were added to THE LIST this week. Thanks Jedi.

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