1. Oh yeah!

  2. Awoo!


  4. Welsh Porky

  5. The sexual injuries from the spiky beetle dicks is likely intended to ruin the female for other spiky beetle dicks. These science lovers must not have thought very hard about that because I figgered it out in like 2 seconds.

  6. Thesaurus one added to the dad joke file.

  7. This morning is such a gift. I had an incredibly vivid dream that I slept really late, like tarried all morning in bed and woke up at noon. I was totally bummed because I wasted so much time and there’s things I really need to do today.

    So when I really woke up a little while ago, I was sooooo happy! I still have all this time!

    *sits down at computer drinking coffee*

  8. So I’ve been struggling with this since last night. Background first: we have one priest, three weekend Masses. Fr. insists on one of those Masses every week being for the parish, and there’s someone who has paid for Sunday Masses for her parents once a month for at least the last 8 years. So if you do the math, that means 7 Sunday Masses a month up for specific intentions. Weekday Masses are also up for intentions, and those are easier to get, but they are at 8:00 AM, so you have to take time off from work to attend. When I go to the office to ask for a Mass to be said for someone, it’s been two or three weeks out for a weekday Mass, two months or more for a Sunday Mass.

    One Mass next Sunday is for George Floyd.

    Now I understand that he needs the prayers, but he wasn’t a parishioner and not even Catholic, and the parish has gotten the short end of the stick during the pandemic. Fr. Short-timer has been doing less than the minimum and that grudgingly. I had to go to another parish for confession. No Anointing of the Sick before my surgery. 10 person limit for funeral Masses, when he actually said them; I know the deacon said prayers at the funeral home chapel for one deceased parishioner. I couldn’t get a Mass said for my friend’s father when he passed in April. But George Floyd gets a Mass.

    Then I found $20, which went for Masses somewhere else.

  9. Mass for George Floyd is stupid. I’m sick of this bullshit. Have they said a mass for John Lewis yet?

    Wakey wakey.

    I’m sorry about your mom and covid bullshit complications. Right now we only care about black lives and Covid/let’s ruin Trump.

  10. In the future, George Floyd will be the patron saint of burned out cities.

  11. First

  12. Whose turn was it to watch Mare?

  13. Roamy, a mass per week for the “parish” is bullshit. Why can’t that be set aside for special intentions?

    Allowing someone to hijack the masses for eight straight weeks is bullshit. Why can’t that person get in line one at a time?

    Why can’t a mass have more than one intention?

    Your priest sounds like a fucking idiot.

    Go to your bishop and make your views known.

  14. Or find a parish that isn’t retarded.

  15. The priest is retiring in September, so I can wait him out or let my feet do the walking. That’s some of why he’s not doing much, he’s got short-timer’s. He’s not videotaping any Masses for those staying home, he said there’s enough others out there on youtube that he doesn’t feel obligated to do so.

    I think you misread the eight straight weeks – it’s once a month, every month, for that couple, for eight years. It may have been longer than that, that’s when I moved to this church. I’m betting either it’s a nice stipend or she donates enough to call some shots.

  16. And as for special intentions, that’s what I would have done instead of saying it’s for George Floyd. But no, someone is trying to make a point, and it’s annoying bullshit. I’d bet big money that I couldn’t have a Mass said for Donald Trump’s benefit.

  17. In happier news, the Endeavour with astronauts Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley should be splashing down near Pensacola at 2:48 PM Eastern time today.

  18. I’d bet big money that I couldn’t have a Mass said for Donald Trump’s benefit.

    *pulls out checkbook*

    I’m much, MUCH more likely to fund that then all these emails from “Trump”, Jr., Pence. At least they don’t have my phone #.

  19. I’ve got nothing.
    I’ve run out of gas.

  20. Rocketboy and DIL will be here at noon for lunch, and Mini-me just started cooking. Trying not to stress from the couch. She’s blaming me for the late start. Fine.

  21. Beasn, how’s the MIL situation? Any better last night?


    I keep saying: Obama gutted the Dems of their rising leadership, and all that they have left are the radicals, the nutjobs, and the second-tier intellects.

    So Biden’s list is either The Cop, The Karen, or The Commanche.


    Joe Biden VP contender Rep. Karen Bass on Sunday walked back comments praising late Cuban Communist dictator Fidel Castro in 2016 — insisting she didn’t know he was despised by his own people.

  24. Was Biden serious about Kamala, or was this past week just a test to see what the reaction would be?

  25. Isn’t unusual to wait this long to pick a VP?

  26. roamy, BIL stayed the night again last night. Both he and Mr. B. are discussing taking FMLA until something can be figured out.
    She’s still focused on me as the target. Other than the voices, which she says I have figured out how to put them in her head since noone else can here them, she’s functioning normally. She can take care of herself and she can have rational conversations.
    But, is there a glimmer….she will say “I like living here. It’s so nice and it’s quiet and Barb has been so nice to me.”…then flips to “….but TOO nice.” Then back to witch talk.

    I think I’m over the initial shock of the creepy encounter the other night and when I woke up the next morning, I felt I was over it and understood we have to figure out what’s happening with her.

    I’ve been able to get sleep the last two nights but today I really feel like I got hit by a truck. Reverberations of that night plus the stress I do feel about a body that’s taking longer to bounce back than it did 30 years ago….the stress I see Mr. B under….and the stress of thinking about if we had to place her somewhere for her safety, it would kill her. She IS where she wants to be. Even though we’ve never been close, and she’s always held me and my sister-in-law at arm’s length, I wanted that for her. As a mom, that is what I would want.

    Then I’m thinking about my post-surgical follow-up and stressing about that. Is it going to hurt? Is he going to look ‘in there’ and see a hamster looking back? Will he be running out the door mid question, if I can think of any?

    Think I’m gonna have to put in a funny video today. I did tell Mr. B. about my dream that woke me up this morning. So stupid but it gave me a belly laugh.

  27. Isn’t unusual to wait this long to pick a VP?

    Not if you’re trying to run out the clock with scaring everybody and riots. Wait til last minute for maximum impact while keeping the old pervert in the basement.

  28. Huh, I had my post-surgical follow-up last Tuesday. He peeked, didn’t hurt. No hamsters.

    I made it through Mass, but I sat down for much of it.

  29. Last night, I was telling Mr. B. about how the radio guys were discussing death, morgues, bodies making noises in morgues, and the occasional person waking up in the morgue. One of the hosts said that if he worked in one, he’d be so freaked about noises dead bodies make, that if one woke up and started moving, that he would *insert metal clanking noise sound effect here*…..make sure he/she didn’t move again.

    We laughed and laughed.

    Told him that if I forgot to lock my door and woke up to his mom standing over me with a shiv….my first reaction would be to *insert metal clanking noise sound effect here*. He didn’t think that was as funny but acknowledged if she somehow got by him, it would be a creep AF encounter.

  30. Roamy, my doc told me when he checked on me in the hospital, the next morning, that he wanted to see me in 4 weeks but when we called for the pathology results, his office scheduled it for 6 weeks. It’s on them if I cough and a bunch of gremlins pop off and roll across the floor.

  31. Jimbro, I have been thinking about you and your mom. I hope you get to see her, that her pain will be managed well, and that her passing, whenever that may be, peaceful. You are a good son. Prayers to her and you.


  33. I had my med side head doc reschedule twice within 48 hours this past week. No biggie. No expectation of strange creatures popping out and wandering out. Also no $20, I think they must have extracted them all during the last test.

  34. No hamsters.

    That’s what the AMA and Big Hamster want you to think.

  35. Ok, I’ve read the comments,
    Baby corig is totes adorbs.
    Glad Laura’s day can be gifted with hostage goodness
    Bullshit that there’s a Mass for George Floyd. WTF?
    Yes, where the hee haw heck IS mare?
    ” Both he and Mr. B. are discussing taking FMLA until something can be figured out.” FMLA? Fuck my life aight?
    aaaaaaaaaand 20 dollars and hamsters


  37. too late cat, no one believes it’s your…you’re sour. Stop trying to pretend
    *inserts incel crack just to stir things up a bit*

  38. I haz an amused

  39. *looks around at empty blog*
    Is it my breath? Is it because I did that one thing again with that one chick?
    I can change. I’ll be different this time!
    I swear I can be good. Just give me another chance!!

  40. I got the mowing done yesterday so I could sit in the sun today. Burgers on the grill for lunch.

    Living my best life today.

  41. Is it my breath? Is it because I did that one thing again with that one chick?

    *wonders if the one has to do with the other*


  42. Whirlewind visit from “all the kids”.

    That includes nephew and girlfriends. So housefull here the last 24 hours. Plus BIL.

    They’re all gone and we’re out of food.

  43. You are a lucky woman, Car in. I don’t care what marespur says about you.

  44. They’re all gone and we’re out of food.
    sign up for instacart…I’ll be right over!!

  45. New lumper is gone.

    Day one he makes me wait outside his house for 10 minutes then asks me to pull over at a gas station so he can grab a coffee.

    Strike one

    He was scheduled today for 9:00. At 8:30 I get a text from him asking if we can push it back 30 minutes due to some kid logistics.


    9:30 I get a call “mumble mumble kid, be there in 5-10.”

    10:00 rolls around and he’s still not there so I leave.

    Strikes 2 & 3

    10:05 I get a text “be there in 5”

    LOL that is what you said 30 minutes ago.

    What an idiot.

  46. Ugh….I really do not understand people’s work ethic.

  47. I want a wire hair dorgi.

  48. FMLA = Family and Medical Leave Act. You can take either paid or unpaid leave up to 3 months, and they have to hold your job or a similar-enough job for you during that time. Only for companies with over a certain number of employees, not genuine small business. You usually have to have a doctor’s note, and there’s a form to fill out. I took FMLA for my maternity leaves.

  49. I got into it with my boss with my maternity leave with Rocketboy, because he insisted I had to use my paid leave instead of not being paid for 3 months. I won.

  50. The deep state really wants to prolong Flynn’s pain. The DC Court of Appeals, dominated by demrat activists, grant Sullivan a hearing en banc….nevermind a three panel spanked him and told him to follow the damn law and drop the f*cking case against Flynn. That corrupt POS had hired his own attorney and was going to charge Flynn extra…he made himself judge/jury/executioner. Totally unprecedented what he has done….and now the full court jumps on board.

  51. Scott, at my old school district, I had a co-worker who missed a MINIMUM of 60 days a year (union job, he’s untouchable) and I kid you not, the boss didn’t notice or chose not to, it was bizarre. My boss would say, well, he works odd hours and he never called it in and the boss never made him use his sick days or vacation days….and me and my other co-workers started a calendar and would make the day yellow if he didn’t how up. Calendar looked like a field of mustard grass at the end of each month. We took it to the union and they said there was nothing they could do because they had to protect EVERY union member.
    We would bring it up to the boss, but he protected this guy, all we can figure is they murdered someone together and we’re sworn to defend each other.
    I would wind up getting all the workorders that he’d ignore.
    I brought it to my boss’s attention that while Sam had done about 1,500 workorders in a year, I had done about 4,700. My boss decided to tell me that it was because Sam had harder workorders.
    um no, it’s because he never shows up to work.
    Thankfully I’m in a different district now and don’t have to deal with it, but my former co-workers…I still hear from them daily. When Covid happened, they still had to show up, but Sam took off from March to June and no one said a word. Finally, HR is paying attention (oh right, they fired the old HR person who was also an evil person) and are making him come in now….but he’s STILL missing days.

  52. Btw, astronauts have splashed down, had the capsule recovered, have talked to Mission Control, but haven’t gotten out of the capsule yet. There’s some hypergol fumes, so they are doing a purge and making sure everything is kosher before opening the hatch.

  53. I got into it with my boss with my maternity leave with Rocketboy, because he insisted I had to use my paid leave instead of not being paid for 3 months. I won.

    I’m glad you did that. What a jerkface that guy was

  54. Btw, astronauts have splashed down, had the capsule recovered, have talked to Mission Control, but haven’t gotten out of the capsule yet.

    The hostages are pretty dadgummed lucky to have you as the inside scoop

  55. oooh is this it romy?

  56. You have to pay for special masses?

  57. PJM, that sucks. I hate bosses who are lazy and don’t want to do the basic work of documenting employee stupidity so that they can be disciplined/fired.

  58. Definitely hostage fun…..

  59. PJM, that sucks. I hate bosses who are lazy and don’t want to do the basic work of documenting employee stupidity so that they can be disciplined/fired.

    I did a loooooooooooot of stress eating at that job haha

  60. PJM, yes, that’s it. Cracked me up with the first comm from SpaceX Mission Control, “Thank you for flying SpaceX”. Please gather all your belongings, and have a nice day.

    The burn patterns on the capsule are interesting. I would have thought they would have been more even.

  61. TiFW, yes, they really can’t require you to pay anything, but it’s accepted that you pay a little something, somewhere between $5 and $20, depending on the priest, whether he’s diocesan or belongs to an order, and the church itself (touristy places are usually on the $20 end).

  62. Definitely hostage fun…..

    OMG Pepe, that dad is a rascal.

  63. PJM?

    PJM again…..

    Yes and oooh heck yeah

  64. I did a loooooooooooot of stress eating at that job haha

    My stress eating at the moment is mostly confined to the absolute horror that is my diet on the weekends. During the week I’m pretty good.

  65. I have friends with pugs. Ugly cute puppies…4 legged Ernest Borgnine after that.

  66. How much of an asshole does a pug puppy have to be that a Lab Rescue bit him?

  67. I’m totes allergic to pugs. My mom had one and all it had to do was walk by me and I’d sneeze. Little jerk kept trying to jump on me.
    GO AWAY YOU BUGEYED FREAK! Pugs are asshoes.

  68. Strange unsettled weather. Got over an inch of much-needed rain. Now the sun is shining in the front of the house, there’s a black cloud on the back of the house, and we’re under a tornado warning.

    The soil is so dry in parts that the water runs over it or through it but does not wet it. I hate it when it gets like that.

  69. Oso loves Beasn ❤️👋🏻

  70. Lauraw moved to NM? Pepe?

  71. Dear New Mexico,

    Thank you so very much for sending us your very charming Sampler NM Weather Package. It’s very exotic and exciting for us here in New England!

    I regret to inform you however that it is not in our size, and the color doesn’t match the rest of our stuff so we’re sending it back.

    Thanks again! Wish it could have worked out! Please do not send any replacements!


  72. 🤣🤣🤣👋🏻

  73. Dear Connecticut,

    We are sorry to hear that you are not interested in our Weather Package. Unfortunately our records show that your Weather Sampler was delivered on 8/2/2020, and the latest date to return it without being billed was 8/1/2020. As a result we are required to bill you for the full three months of membership. Please accept this Bible with our complements. Ignore the “Sam’s Club” price tag.


    New Mexico

  74. Dear New Mexico, please drop New from your name.

  75. HS, we’re New Mexico. Cleaner than regular Mexico.

  76. ❤️ CoAl.

  77. From the Senior Dog TMI dept. We changed mattress pad and sheets yesterday. MA had an accident. As we cleaned the bed, she had loose bowels in the hallway. Today, we cleaned the rug and added mats to her new normal. We have 4ft of carpet without puppy pads. Guess what?

  78. Bullseye!

  79. New Mexico is a conspiracy. It’s designed to be hated so that everyone will buy Mexico when it’s reintroduced as Mexico Classic.

  80. Loose bowels in the hallway – isn’t that Joe Biden’s situation?

  81. New Mexico is essentially Mexico with loose bowels in the hallway.

  82. I love you guys.

  83. I was wrong. It’s actually being reintroduced as Mexico Classico.

  84. I saw Loose Bowels in the Hallway open for Tool in 2008.

  85. HS I read that. Still unsure of the pronouns.

  86. *cues Subway music*

    Loose bowels
    Loose bowels

    Loose bowels in the hallway

  87. This happened in Michigan. Talk about loose bowels in the hallway.

    Don’t tell my physiognomy isn’t real. That freak has a face that screams, “I will eventually be caught grooming/sexually abusing students.”

  88. Yep.

    But we did a bold thing. We made a mentally ill child molester teacher of the year.

    How progressive if us.

  89. Praying for Michigan

  90. It needs a statue.

  91. Hotspur, do you know the Hire it Done guy?

  92. I bet he’s a crook.

  93. Loose bowels in the hallway? Is that sung to the tune of “Three Coins in the Fountain”?

    PJM, I so get that. A previous job in another life I tried to drag several bosses kicking and screaming to recognize what shit several folks there were. It took me to a very bad place. I’ve been gone from there 15 years and I swear it scarred me in many ways, I never want to be in that kind of position again, and I no longer have the willingness to do extra I had then. I’m also no longer so arrogant, so it’s not all bad I guess.

  94. @catturd2

    I wonder how Elizabeth Warren feels about not being considered for Joe Biden’s VP just because of the color of her skin?

    I’d like to congratulate Bubba Wallace on his 23rd place today in the NASCAR race.

  95. Not only is it the teacher of the year, it also lives in Canada.

  96. Nominating Doug Hurley for honorary Hostage.
    “Five hours ago we were bobbing around in a spacecraft making prank satellite phone calls to whoever we could get a hold of,” Doug Hurley said.

    They called the flight director and said, “Hi, it’s Doug and Bob and we’re in the ocean.” Flight director’s response was “Yeah, I can see that.” Then he kicked himself for not saying “Oh crap, was splashdown supposed to be TODAY?”

  97. Detectives encouraged Robert’s proclivities.

  98. Where’s Mare? She’s my early bird Hostage friend!

    Drove down yesterday, 5 hours. At least my new EZPass I got after my last trip worked as designed.

    My mom is being medicated regularly with narcotics for pain. She is pretty somnolent but has moments of awareness and recognition. The priest from her parish came over yesterday afternoon and performed Last Rites and gave her communion. Priest made an exception for her. We prayed the rosary after the priest left, figured he had gone out of his way several times over to make a home visit. Apparently there are apps to recite the rosary. I don’t think they’ll ever out earn Candy Crush but I figure they’re not trying.

    I know the reason for her current condition, the lymphoma, but I don’t understand enough of the disease process to have the insight on how you go from managing your ADL’s 2 weeks ago to being literally on your death bed now. Don’t misunderstand, she was in decline before with fatigue and neuropathic pain in her legs so we knew it was coming. My sister filled me in on some other deficits that were happening so I have to figure it was disease progression. Just trying to understand, from a medical perspective, what was the “thing” that happened. Ultimately it doesn’t mean anything but I guess it’s how I process my mental shit.

    It’s taken me about an hour to type this between getting coffee, seeing my mom after the hospice nurse did her morning care (which woke her up and she was aware enough to know it was me) and my sister talking my ear off.

    Just weird being at my mom’s house and not being served poached eggs on toast. My sister cooks take out. I’ve lived on coffee, pretzels and zucchini bread my cousin’s wife brought over yesterday.

    I know there’s a new poat, I’ll just leave this here.

  99. And my sister Deirdre surprised me with the info that there WILL be a funeral. It’s “invitation only” whatever that means. I didn’t realize people crashed funeral masses. Crazy world we live in. Deirdre asked me what my thoughts on closed versus open casket. That was before I knew there was gonna be a funeral. Like the idiot I am I said “For what?” There can’t be any visiting hours at the funeral home so I told her I thought closed casket and skip the whole funeral home scene for the family. The funeral mass will be small enough that the priest can address us there. For my dad, it was normal times and we had visiting hours, open casket and the priest had a little blessing and prayer service at the funeral home for us before we migrated to the church a block over.

  100. Tuesday: I was going to head home today to get a Covid test in time to have results before work on Monday but last night my mom began having seizures. Hospice nurse was called and gave Dilantin which controlled them. She also called the covering doc and got an order for a foley catheter to help drain her bladder. My sister and the hospice aides were not having any luck convincing my mom that the pee pad was an actual bedpan. Deirdre: “It’s a new version of a bedpan” Mom’s bladder: CLAMP
    It’s a wonder that she’s still producing urine with only mouth swabs for liquid to keep her mouth moist and prevent cracking of the mucosa. I convinced my sister to take a syringe out of my tea so we can have tea together. We prayed the rosary again today with a small group of relatives and friends. I guess I’m here for the duration, work can pound sand with their need for a negative test. One of my mom’s friends made snickerdoodles. I’ve heard of the mythical snickerdoodle but have yet to encounter one in the wild. I’ll wait for dessert after dinner. My brother is coming tomorrow. He and my sister have always had a strained relationship but something went down this year around Mother’s Day which escalated things to some “I’m never talking to you again” level. With me here she can step out and avoid any contact. I love the guy but he’s a bit of an obstinate tool.

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