MMM 375: Lockjaw

Weekend was absolutely awful for yard work.  It was either too hot to be outdoors, or a torrential downpour of rain.  Saturday afternoon I stepped on a roofing staple that pierced my heel.

Did you know Walgreen’s does tetanus/diptheria/pertussis shots?

Beach jeans.


The Nike swoosh is a symbol of an evil, oppressive regime.


Looks warm there.


Looks cold there.


She seems fun.


Tasteful underboob.


Happy Monday!


  1. Looks cold there.

    It looks like late spring somewhere high in the mountains, so it’s probably just pleasantly cool. Perfect weather for a hike or a run.

  2. So, you’re saying there’s a good time for a run up a big hill?

  3. Yes, when she’s running ahead of me.

  4. I’m sure it’s fine, Alex, I was primarily referring to her temperature indication devices.

  5. I will never be able to run or hike any faster than the girl with the most robust hindquarters. It’s a curse.

  6. The tittyfakery is strong with this one.

  7. “Hey, Top heavy! Lace your freaking boots.”

  8. Is lockjaw good for weight loss?

  9. Who bitches deze be?

  10. Good morning. Whose turn is it to sneak meth into Hotspur’s coffee?

  11. I was organizing my DVD library last night, and discovered that I never saw the third installment of The Hobbit. I have the first two in 3D, but not the third.

    Who is responsible for this atrocity?

  12. Who is responsible for this atrocity?

    Just blame Mare.

  13. Any week I can begin NOT being in the hospital has potential.

  14. 3D Hobbits …

    What a wonderful time to be alive!

  15. The “Cold” one looks bizarre. The rest are pretty darn cute. High fives Leon. Sorry about your heel! Yikes.

  16. Any week I can begin NOT being in the hospital your mom has potential.

  17. I’m just glad it was the heel and not my non-arch.

  18. Well, fuck. “the hospital” was supposed to have been blocked. Unsuccessful your mom slur. Not a good way to start the week.

  19. test

  20. Any week I can begin NOT being in the hospital your mom has potential.

    Fixt….but ruined.

  21. Pendejo’s experiment: pƎ˥I∀Ⅎ

  22. By my sister’s generosity and the grace of God, I will be going to Maui in August for about 5 weeks…HUZZAH!!

    I’m going to put my diet/exercise routine into “Oh shit, I’ll be wearing a bathing suit a lot!” mode.

    I know Carin is training for some runs and Beasnsnsnsns and Roamy are training to get into awesome dresses for family weddings. Hotspur is also working on not being a fathead.

    So, I was thinking we could do little check-ins and encourage each other not to be fat asses.

    In order to burn more calories let’s kick Hotspur’s ass a lot more. Really put our back into it.

    Today—-35 min weight training… back, chest, legs (sywm). An hour and a half bike ride and smoked salmon for breakfast (I’m keto).

    Also, CAULK!!

  23. Fixt….but ruined.



  24. Brother Cavil, I’m I right in thinking your hospitalization was a blood pressure issue?

    And I’m certainly glad you’re no longer there! Yikes.

  25. Five mile walk on the treadmill last night, plus a quick couple sets of squats in the morning. Tonight will be bench, row, plus some core work and sprints.

  26. I was even thinking of doing an egg fast. But it’s not much of a “fast” because I like eggs so much. I’m like that guy in Forrest Gump who lists all the ways he prepares shrimp.

    Hardboiled…scrambled…omlets…egg salad…

  27. Alex, I’ve noticed you’ve upped your work out game lately. Is it for a specific goal or you simply have more time?

  28. So, I was thinking we could do little check-ins and encourage each other not to be fat asses.

    If every time your elbow bends your mouth opens, you may become a fatass.

  29. Hotspur, because you’re a dumbass, I will NOT try to explain menopause/leptin and ghrelin response/hormone response, in general,/fat adaption/adrenal fatigue or insulin resistance.

  30. Alex, I’ve noticed you’ve upped your work out game lately. Is it for a specific goal or you simply have more time?

    Only sort of. I’ve actually dropped off from where I used to be (my squat and deadlift amounts around down from what I could lift during grad school), because I’ve been busy with work.

    I’m trying to get back into shape for a couple of reasons. First, I simply want to be healthier and shed some of the weight I gained years ago when I got out of the Army and went through a depressed phase. Second, being a chubby, balding geek doesn’t help my dating prospects. Being less chubby hopefully will. Third, I’ve considered trying to go into the Reserves, both because I miss the military and because it would be extra money. So I need to get back into shape.

  31. HA! Jay, I love that.

  32. Good, Alex.

  33. I’ve been going to a chiropractor to get my back to stop hurting (no I don’t sit on my wallet). Once that is done, I’m thinking of giving crackfat a try, because my last place to workout closed up, and the format is fun.

  34. Three voles ded. There are more who have learned to avoid the hole that got the other three. Two new holes. Half the salvia GONE. The remaining violet GONE.
    It’s way past personal now you punks. It’s time to enter the nuke phase.

    My superhero name will be Volemon. I will collect them all. Oh yes I will.

    CAULK this motherf*ckers!!

  35. Uh-oh. Just saw a mothership comment thread go poof.

  36. And yeah, it was BP. Though it may have had something to do with a drug resistant UTI, having a PICC line in to administer antibiotics for it, having to get up early every freaking day to go in for them, and having to walk in from the back 40 to get from parking to the hospital where it was done.

    Plus, automatic BP machines lie like dogs.

  37. *imagines beasn in camo, including face paint.

  38. 800 gram challenge. Macrostax (macro counting deal). Crackfat this am – 5 by 3 reps @ 80% 1 rep deadlift. Then running and burpees (I’m trying to increase my burpee efficiency – everyone can kick my ass and I think I just don’t do them 100% the way I should).

    Run in a bit.

    I’m all for “let’s get our fat asses in gear” accountability.

  39. But I just did eat a cookie, so there is that. THEY ARE SO GOOD.

  40. Comment by Jay in Ames on July 22, 2019 11:41 am
    *imagines beasn in camo, including face paint.

    Beasn decides to take drastic measures

  41. 800 grams of what!?

  42. Perfect, alex.

    beans spackler.

  43. J’ames, I’m super excited for you to try crackpot. Just remember – SCALE it appropriately. It’s competitive, and it can make people do foolish things. It’s supposed to PUSH you – not break you :) It’s hard sometimes to scale, because (personally) I don’t want to appear weak, but I’ve seen people let their pride put them on their ass.

    The beauty though is that when everyone scales appropriately, you’re still “competing” against those carrying more or less weight, etc. It’s fun. Today was a battle between my friend dana and I. She can burp faster, but I can kick her ass running. SO I had to try to get my lead during the runs (3) so her faster burpees didn’t kill me. I did beat her. lol.

  44. I got ready for bed early last evening. I was figuring out a new crochet pattern while watching ‘The Way We Were’, on PBS, with the husband – only because we never watched the whole thing before.

    And may I say what a retarded movie that was. Don’t blame Redford’s character at all for finally dumping the stupid commie Katie (Streisand).

    Anyway, all of the sudden BANG CRASH BOOM, downstairs. Holy crap, MIL took a fall. She had just gone to the bathroom – in the dark – and was heading back to bed. She said that zoomie* thing went through her head, she got dizzy, and went down. She had her cane but she reached out anyway and nothing was there. Husband helped get her off the floor and she was able to walk to her bed.

    She’s got goose eggs on her brow bone and the side of her face, with bruising, a small cut, and this morning a partial black eye. Some bruising on her hand. Other than some pain in one of the bruised bumps, her head, all limbs and phalanges are in good working order, her pupils were/are normal, speech is fine. We had her ice the bumps and they did go down somewhat.

    * ‘zoomies’ – she doesn’t have the words to describe whatever sensation pulsates across her head but the closest I can get out of her is dizziness, nauseau. We’re thinking it’s probably to do with her inner ear and it has abated, to some extent with zinc (ENT recommended it) and Claritin.

  45. I’ll be the one on my ass, especially if I get a vindictive coach.

  46. Vertigo, perhaps? I know Mrs Jay has a bad time when it hits her.

  47. I also just ate a cookie. Very good. Chocolatey.

  48. There are a few people who scale TOO much. A WOD last week – it took most of us 20 mins (with all the various scales) and one woman was done in 9.

    Uhhhh …. I think you could have gone heavier. That’s really a good rule of thumb. Unless there is a movement that is really out of your wheelhouse (and thus it takes you a long time) – the scales should result in everyone finishing around the same ballpark. Some times that means less reps, but often it just means less weight.

    Today there wasn’t a scale (it was running, burpees, and situps). But usually there is something that can be adjusted.

  49. 1. She has now been ordered that she must turn on the damn lights when she gets up at night. Do you know what she told us about now turning on the lights at night? She didn’t want the neighbors to see her. WTF? I’ve told her repeatedly that you can NOT see in her apartment at night when the lights were on. Not to mention there are no neighbors behind us.
    2. For now, she is to use a walker when she gets up at night to use the toilet.

    Good grief these old farts are stubborn as heck.

  50. Stepped on the scale about a month ago and decided to get my fat ass in shape. Was tired of my clothes feeling tight. Started running again (about 2.5 miles every other day) and doing ab work. Cut sugar out and have skipped meals occasionally. Lost about 5-6 pounds so far. Clothes aren’t as tight. I’m all for the fat ass challenge. Can I binge and purge margaritas, though?

  51. Beasn decides to take drastic measures

    Yes. Oh yes. I am wearing my volebeater shirt, sitting in front of charts, graphs, and clay voles, laughing maniacally. Perhaps I will string up their little bodies as I collect them, as a warning to the others.

  52. I cannot justify any gym-going until all there’s snow. I effectively have an infinite amount of yard work that I could do, like chopping stumps or cutting saplings or scythe mowing or… you get the idea.

  53. Right, right, because you’re going to be totally 100% agreeable and compliant with care when it’s you being told what to do by a whippersnapper. Yup. Me too.

    *runs away, serpentine*

  54. Fat Ass Challenge.

    I had tea, with honey, for breakfast.

    Menopause – If I make the mistake of looking at a cookie, I’ll gain four pounds.

  55. I need a combination square. I decided to do a herringbone pattern with the backsplash tiles.

    Or will my laser level mark the 45 degree angles for me? I suppose I can take it out of the box and read the destructions.

  56. laura, it’s frustrating as hell. I call her ‘The Mushroom’. They’d have the one light, between their chairs on, and when it was bedtime, the light would go off. Any movement after, was done in the dark.
    The biggest reason was they wanted to keep their energy bill down. Didn’t matter when we explained to them that most of the lights we installed in their apartment were LEDs or that the biggest contributor of putting asses like theirs in homes was their risk for falls and stubbornness in ignoring the tips to avoid them. The other part was her Nervous Nelly OCD over people seeing her. Which they can’t.

  57. There are good youtube videos on doing the herringbone pattern.


    WTF are COOKIES??* (I’m yelling because I’m jealous)

    *I have found a decent substitute for a sweet treat. Too Good vanilla yogurt. 3 carbs per container but I don’t eat the whole thing. 25 mini Lilly’s sugar-free chocolate chips and a tablespoon of grain free granola I get at Publix. Mix it together. Eat like a boss.


    Although the propellents are rotten for you I will have a couple of squirts (SYWM) of sugar free whipped cream and a couple of sugar free chocolate chips.

  59. I decided to do a herringbone pattern with the backsplash tiles.


    Excellent choice. Timeless. Beautiful.

  60. When Pops was alive, he fell several times but never got banged up because he knew how to fall. He’d slide down a wall or piece of furniture or roll.

  61. The difference between caring for defiant toddlers and caring for aging parents is that it’s easier to punish the toddlers.

    Not by much these days, but still.

  62. It’s an oatmeal cookie, and it’s one of my absolute favorites. SO GOOD. I really don’t treat myself very often.

  63. There’s an inside corner on this counter backsplash to deal with. Does herringbone pattern ‘wrap’ around the corner, or should I lay them to be in a ‘mirror’ arrangement on each side of the corner?

  64. Yes.

  65. Wait, never mind. I guess if I start in the corner with a 45-degree cut from the first tile corner, wrap and mirror are the same thing, really.

  66. Indeed.

  67. I like to offset the corner by about 3 degrees. Really draws the eye to it!

  68. Combination square: Right: 22 Left: 57 Right: 7

  69. Lol, Jay!

    More important question about the inside corner pattern: do you like the chevron pointing up, or down? I’m going with down. Not sure why.

  70. 4 8 15 16 23 42

  71. I don’t love how repetitive Butter Bob is, but I do love that everything he says is 100% factually correct.

  72. Left over ribeye and fried taters w iced coffee for breakfast. Smoked brisket sammich w iced tea for lunch. I’ll prolly mow and weedeat in the 98 temps this evening to help burn it off. I’m down 46 lbs in the past 15 months. Still a fatass, but a lesser fatass than before.

  73. Crossfit!


    MMM content:

  74. I’ll have what he’s having!

  75. mmm content seems to be russian collusion

  76. PD, 46 pounds!!! That’s fantastic. Ask the person who hasn’t lost 46 pounds how hard that can be.

    I like the meme:

    Being fat is hard.
    Losing weight is hard.
    Pick your hard. (SYWM)

  77. She must have learned expert ball handling from your Mom.

  78. That gardening gif was satisfying (SYWM).

  79. Don’t ask your mom about wrapping the corner.

    You won’t like what she’ll tell you.

  80. Last time your mom wrapped the corner she had to go for shots.

  81. Haha. Live on Rush – Woman gets her shirts.

  82. Oh. I was wrong. She got her bowl and branch sheets.

  83. Ask the person who hasn’t lost 46 pounds how hard that can be.

    46 as a percentage is of 340, which is what I’d gotten up to in April of 18, is a lot different than 46 as a percentage of 130. You’re loss is kickass for sure.

  84. Another overrated sales pitch from Rush.

  85. I lost 40, then gained it back. So an 80 pound swing!

  86. Ball waxing. How does that even work?

    Do you dip your plums in the melted wax?

    Using one of those tongue depressors to paint the plums would be like trying to put Nutella on a deflated beach ball.

  87. and who’s gonna rip off the tape?

    I’d rather use a lighter.

  88. I wonder if burning plum hair smells worse than regular burning hair.

  89. On youtube there is a video of Dana Perino interviewing James Patterson who wrote a book about Epstein in 2016. He says, “Oh it’s entirely possible nobody knew.”

    Except, everyone has been saying, “everyone knew.” FFS the guy is a registered sex offender.

  90. yes, because you know the source. Plus that burnt pudding smell, from that night in 2016.

  91. xbrad just shaves his balls. Waxing is for trannies trying to win a lawsuit.

  92. I lost 40, then gained it back. So an 80 pound swing!

    Been there. Done that. I have two separate wardrobes to prove it.

  93. Maybe he’s referring to BEFORE he became a registered sex offender? Otherwise it doesn’t make sense.

  94. 3 year old flaming nut butter.

    I can’t even imagine.

  95. Why would you NOT want hair down there? I don’t get it.

  96. Patterson is a Dem. He’s going to do anything he can to protect Clinton.

  97. That’s because they’ve shared the same little girls, jay.

  98. I’ve just come face to face with my furry nemesis. I shall call him ‘Four’. Four will soon reach total consciousness.

    (I went out on the porch surveying the zone…looked down at the main hole that needs a new trap and there he was just standing there…looking back. Taunting me.
    Soon motherf*cker.)

  99. My point?

    Everyone who ran in those circles knew. We know. Patterson said it’s entirely possible Bill Clinton didn’t know. WTF would he go to the island 24 times? Cigars?

  100. Uh oh, Rush said Rashida Tlaib isn’t a person of color.

  101. Can we please solve this ball hair problem? It clearly affects .02% of the population so we have to spend all of our time talking about it for the next 10 years.

  102. I didn’t know ball hair was a problem. I don’t want to be responsible for solving it because I don’t want to think about hairy balls 24/7. But that’s just me.

  103. MJ, pretty sure you can use some Nair if your ball hair gives you swamp crotch.

  104. Or just wrap a rubberband around your berries until they fall off. Problem solved.

    *sends MJ a snaptrap*

  105. This isn’t for me. Jeez.

    I’m getting woke and trying to solve the issue that trans women face when simply trying to get their ladyballs freshened for date night.

  106. Lose 15 pounds in 7 days with Peel-a-Pound Soup. Or what I’d like to call, ‘Clean your pipes’. It’s a cabbage soup…cabbage, whole tomatos, onions, bell pepper, beef broth. Eat as much as you want while snacking on other fruits/veggies.
    Sounds good but that would have me on the pot half the day. I’d have to add some lean ground beef or pork and some olive oil.

  107. I’d recommend the same prescription to the trannies. Girls don’t have balls. You think you’re a girl, toss the balls. Problem solved.

  108. If you have balls and think you’re a girl, you’re wrong and need repairative therapy that’s now outlawed.

  109. “Comment by beasn on July 22, 2019 2:34 pm
    I’ve just come face to face with my furry nemesis.”


    This is particularly funny in view of the ball waxing topic…..

  110. Ball Waxing Blog

  111. Comment by Car in on July 22, 2019 3:58 pm
    Ball Waxing Blog

    Come for BBF, stay for the manscaping discussion.

  112. Waxing junk is straight torture.

  113. The growing-back-in isn’t much better.

  114. Do you think Rashida Taliban shaves her balls?

  115. I wonder if burning plum hair smells worse than regular burning hair.

    Ask me how I know.

    pretty sure you can use some Nair if your ball hair gives you swamp crotch.

    No, do not do this.

    These two items are related.

  116. Earlier this year Daniel Craig who currently plays 007 (pictured in character) insisted ‘everybody should be considered’ in casting as the next Bond, ‘for women and for African Americans, there should be great parts anyway, across the board’

    Waaaait waitwaitwait. British people call black people “African Americans”? What do they call white people from South Africa?

  117. I was pretty sure they called their black people black, just like we do.

    Craig is a silly nincompoop.

  118. at the dentist, having part of my skull removed

  119. Yikes, Jay.

  120. I kicked ass today.

    Got all my Monday stuff done early, so I did my Wednesday stuff too.

  121. “having part of my skull removed”

    Wow, you guys are serious about weight loss.

  122. The Butter Bob video was good. Not anything I didn’t already know, but the before and after pics were motivating. I have a co-worker who can’t fit into the conference room chairs with arms. Dear Lord, don’t let me end up like that.

  123. Hopefully your day went better than this…

  124. That needs to be put to music.

  125. What the hell was that guy thinking?

  126. I can clear four feet horizontally and four feet vertically. No, honest. I do it all the time.

  127. What you do behind the bowling alley stays behind the bowling alley.

  128. haha, keep gagging on gauze. tooth pulled in back.

  129. Gauze. That’s what Hotspur is gagging on! (behind the bowling alley)

  130. Anita is out misting the Fava Beans. This year, we have minimal garden, some volunteer potatoes, the raspberries, two tomatoes, and the beans to replenish nitrogen where we grew heavy feeding crops(corn). The fava beans were being predated by aphids.
    Anita ordered Ladybugs and released them in the beans to kill aphids. They are doing that, laying eggs that produce larva that kill more aphids. Now she is being a ‘Farmer’, tending her herd of ladybugs and larva. It is pretty cool.
    We have a box of ladybugs in the fridge…

  131. This is interesting, from Wretchard. Watch the video at the end…

  132. Do elevator repairs painstakingly.

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