A Momentous Tragedy has Befallen Us

There has been an event that cannot go unmentioned. One that will betray the trust we all put into one of America’s greatest institutions.

I was carrying out one of the greatest pleasures that all Americans enjoy all too often. A task where we celebrate the labors of our fellow Americans at the pinnacle of their everyday efforts. Something everyone can be proud of, something everyone does without much thought, but the impact of which will reach down to the core of the self. Such a delightful experience, with a beautiful globally warmed environment keeping my temperature at an elevated level.

After arriving home from my enlightened journey through the aisles of one of America’s greatest institutions, I was unaware of the events about to unfold. I let my guard down. I relaxed. I was not at the peak of my abilities. this made the tragedy that much more astounding.

It was during the preparations for the upcoming week that the full effect of events would hit me like a ton of bricks. I held aloft the sword of Damocles, ready to dispatch an unsuspecting victim to the list of accomplishments that must be completed to fulfill the week, when I witnessed the unfolding of the tragedy to befall all tragedies.

WatermelonSmall

That’s right. There was a seed in my seedless watermelon. I want my $2.77 back from my shopping trip to Wal Mart.

And before you can, yes, I’m living in my own private Idaho.

And now on to the memes! (stop throwing rotten fruit!)

AKidInTheParkToldMe

 

AllDadsKnowThis

 

AOCChallenge

 

BlessYourHeart

HowSecureIsYourPassword

 

ImportanceOfClarity

 

JustWhatDidYouDoInThere

 

MyWifeKeepsGettingMadAtMe

 

ReadyToSwing

ToiletSeatScale

TrumpSupportersCincoDeMayo

 

 

WentSwimmingToday

I’ve put you through enough today, so go out and seize it, Mr. Holland’s students!

Did I mess up the reference? Oh well.

134 Comments

  1. We finally put our A/C in the upstairs bedroom window and it makes such a difference. Everything is fine with open windows and the fan until it’s not. But you pretend it is because you’re too busy to take the time to put it in the window. After a couple of nights you say to yourself “Next year I’ll put it in the window sooner” while secretly laughing at yourself because you know you won’t.

  2. Hoo boy!

    https://tinyurl.com/y6gxdboj

  3. Trump compares Buttigieg to Alfred E. Neuman. Reporters point out Trump knows nothing about the voters who have zero recognition of who this character is. Buttplug claims he had to Google it to find out who he was.

    A few months later MAD magazine goes kaput. Nearly everyone laments the loss of a brilliant satire magazine they read as a youth.

  4. orange man bad!

  5. You rev the drill to check that the bit is chocked in straight.

  6. is there any way to get grapes to grow bigger? the vines are taking over my courtyard, but with little tiny grapes

  7. Comment by Jimbro on July 9, 2019 6:39 am
    Hoo boy!

    https://tinyurl.com/y6gxdboj

    ——-

    I can’t tell you how much I love that pic/meme.

  8. High fives Jay for an excellent poat!

  9. is there any way to get grapes to grow bigger? the vines are taking over my courtyard, but with little tiny grapes

    The biblical advice is to cut every vine that bears no fruit.

  10. wakey wakey

  11. Tiny Grape Solutions

  12. Hostage shopping list.

    https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/23-impossible-to-find-items-that-your-camper-must-bring-tomorrow

  13. ‘Sup, cunts?

  14. screen free camp that uses carbon paper. That sounds too silly to be made up, so it must be real.

  15. Fucking raccoons got into the anchor locker on my boat. They must have left it open when they put it in storage last year. The bastards chewed through a 240′ anchor line, right at the 120′ mark. And chewed through a 30′ dock line. The anchor line is going to cost me $230 and the dock line will be $80.

    Fuckers.

  16. how do they know the exact middle of a line? they NEVER chew the end of a line.

  17. I know. I have colored plastic markers on the line, so I guess they chose the one at 120′ and said: This green ribbon says ‘CHEW HERE.'”

    The dock line was only 30’ so they probably just eyeballed it.

  18. Did you thin your clusters, Jay? I hope it’s not too late to thin your clusters.

  19. Scott also mentions grapevine girdling to me, which just goes to show how surprisingly smart he is.

  20. but with little tiny grapes

    I tried to tell you to get off of the steroids but did you listen?

  21. Hotspur, I know less than nuthin about nautical equipment but why can’t you make a clean cut on either side of the chewed up rope and tie it back together using one of them super duper sailor knots?

  22. PG, I could, but then the knot becomes the weakest part of the line, and the knot might not easily pass through the bow-roller that holds the anchor when out of the water.

    When it comes to anchoring, I wouldn’t want to risk the line breaking in a heavy wind, or getting stuck trying to weigh anchor in an emergency.

  23. /stands on chair and screams at top of lungs

    FML.

  24. What happened?

  25. ALL my computer tasks done for the morning. now eat. next chicken coop (shudder)

  26. Love how the pantifa twat trots out the same Zinn bullshit about the parties switching.

  27. I’m really tired of that argument, yet it is so prevalent.

  28. hang in there, brocav. At least you aren’t at an Antifa rally!

  29. Well, the cunt that gave us Bill Clinton is dead.

  30. RIP, Mr Ross “cuban assassins are ruining my daughter’s wedding” Perot.

  31. Who, Hotspur?

  32. Ah, I was gonna guess Mike Wallace. Or is he already dead?

  33. It’s Cow Appreciation day at Chik Fil A. Dress like a cow, and get free chicken!

  34. BTW laura, it’s a tangelo tree. I started it 3 years ago at work, and just took it home and replanted it. The sun burned off the leaves, now the new growth is coming in.

  35. Ross “If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I’d fart” Perot.

  36. Trying to decide if I want to start a cutie tree, or a grapefruit.

  37. Ah, thanks Jay. Neat! Seed-grown? You never know what you’re gonna get with citrus. It could have been pollinated by any other citrus and you could get something really unique or weird.

  38. got the seed from the fruit itself.

  39. It could have been pollinated by any other citrus and you could get something really unique or weird.

    The man-eating lemon tree was a surprise when I was growing up.

  40. I think those Cushman Honeybell ‘oranges’ are really a cross between a grapefruit and a mandarin.

  41. Effing hell. Turns out that intermittent UTI that last week’s urologist pooh-poohed the idea of is, in fact, a DRUG RESISTANT one. I gotta get IV antibiotics every morning for two weeks to clear it out.

    Might not have happened if there hadn’t been a gap of several weeks between my last course of antibiotics and the time anybody could be bothered to set an appointment for followup the hospital had directed.

    Did I mention this is all with a system that may be about to get dropped by my insurance?

    Shit like this is why that dark little voice in my brain has cred.

  42. Yes, because, that’s where seeds come from, Jay.

    *tilts head and squints at you*

  43. A lot of our most popular citrus will not come true from seed, being the product of a wild cross in the first place. The offspring will separate into their parents’ types.

    There is a list of citrus that do come true from seed, but even seed from fruit on the list can be crosses, since many fruit growers have different citrus flowering in the same orchard and bees dance with all of them.

  44. ARE YOU SICK OF ME YET

    I’m going to take my obnoxious self out to the garden. One more day in a long run of workdays, and them I’m off for a couple.

  45. I had to soak the seed for a couple days, just to get it to germinate. That’s the reason I tried it, just to see if I could. I’m 1 for 1 on germinating tangelos from fruit.

  46. there can’t be any cross pollination here, since it was inside. Or are you referring to the actual fruit?

  47. Inside the fruit are the seeds.

    Seeds are the tree’s offspring, a product of the flower having been pollinated. Unlike some other fruits, many citrus can cross pollinate each other. If mommy citrus flower was a grapefruit, and daddy citrus flower was a tangerine, and a bee provided the biological bridge between them by cross-pollinating mommy’s flower with daddy’s pollen, the seed inside the grapefruit will be a grapefruit-tangerine cross and that’s what that seed will become when it grows up and makes babies of its own. It’s fruit will not be like the grapefruit it came from.

  48. Yikes BroCavil!! I hope the infection responds quickly to the IV. And then, aren’t you supposed to get some operation that will improve the problem? Git ‘er done.

  49. actually, it was a pomelo, not a grapefruit.

  50. OK, I suspect you’re doing this on purpose now, and I’m too punch-tired to get it. That’s cruel, man, simply rotten.

    Bravo.

    OK, now I’m really going out in the sun to water stuff and love my live for one hour today.

  51. You know that scene in that movie where Gina Davis and Tom Hanks are both giving signs to the batter and she keeps stepping in and out of the batter’s box? Yeah, that is me today at work.

    *steps in steps out steps in steps out*

  52. Who’s turn is it to snake Cavil’s drain?

  53. I’m hopeful that my pumpkins didn’t get cross-pollinated before the seed harvest that I planted for this year. There were no other curcubita maxima planted on my land the year of that harvest, but it only takes one neighbor growing squash to give you squampkins.

  54. Yeah, basically a voluntary circumcision afterwards so I can keep the spout clean. I swear the whole thing’s been going to hell since ’16, or maybe a little before.

    Just getting tired of one thing after another. I barely have the energy for a normal day half the time anymore, and I gotta deal with this shit?

  55. OK, I suspect you’re doing this on purpose now

    WHAAAT? The deuce you say!

  56. There’s no crying in baseball, pups.

  57. I heard about Cow Appreciation Day when I drove Chicken Man to work. He was fretting about learning the code for free stuff at the register. He’s a bit of a worrier.

  58. Persimmons, bitches.

  59. I had to give ethan drugs every day for a month when he got that horrible infection. They put a Cath on so I just did it with that

  60. I’m going to go outside and take pictures of every weed I can find, and I’d like to have them all identified by tomorrow morning

  61. Heh, car in’s growing weed.

    Dude.

  62. Yeah, basically a voluntary circumcision afterwards so I can keep the spout clean.

    Why wait ’til afterwards? You should schedule it while getting IV’d.

    *pulls out garden shears*

  63. Heh. They brought that up and specifically said wait until after.

    Honestly, times like this I wish I had a garden. I might honestly find it relaxing. Besides, I’d be accomplishing something, even if it was just feeding the critters that ate it all.

  64. Carin, which workout is this?

    https://tinyurl.com/y5h8fpf4

  65. ain’t no way that’s real

  66. Carin has to do 25 of those in the next WOD, with a weight vest on. She’s gonna pump out 35 when the younger women can only do 20, and then all the other bitches at Physical Therapy are gonna be so jealous.

  67. Persimmons, bitches.

    Careful, Pupster. This comment is gonna cross-pollinate with the prior one and you’re gonna get cowsimmons.

  68. it could get free chicken today, then!

  69. Hmm, fusion GPS couldn’t find a link between Trump and Epstein.

  70. If anyone had even a shred of evidence there, we’d have heard it nonstop throughout Oct 2016.

  71. No evidence just proves the coverup!

  72. anyone concerned about the lefty boycott of Home Depot, because of the owner’s support of Orange Man Bad?

  73. haha, my nephew and niece dressed up for free chicken.

  74. A little, because I fully expect the people still running it to start virtue signalling their leftist bona fides if it looks like he’s hurting them. As I understand it, he’s no longer directly involved with the day-to-day.

  75. Waiting for pictures of my wife and son dressed up for free chikin 😉

  76. dressed up with their friends, adopted chinese kids from a family friend.

  77. I don’t think a lefty goes in to Home Depot. It’s do it yourself, no handouts involved!

  78. Wow. I didn’t realize how much of POS Biden’s kid is.

    https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/07/08/will-hunter-biden-jeopardize-his-fathers-campaign

    It’s a long read but…wow. Just wow.

  79. Nah. That’s strictly Manuel labor to them.

  80. MJ, Hunter Biden is a complete fuck up and it’s both hilarious and tragic how screwed up that family is.

  81. Of course Hunter won’t jeopardize Joe’s campaign. Joe will sink it way before that.

    I think Kamala or Fauxcohontas.

  82. Rush has a Betsy Ross flag tshirt, too. He says its not for profit, but why is he charging $10 per shirt than the one I bought?

  83. Haha, he’s calling everything else a knockoff. But I ordered mine before his was announced.

    Cmon, Rush.

  84. Rush is hawking those shirts nonstop. It’s a little disingenuous for him to be claiming “There’s a lot of knock offs out there! Get the OFFICIAL Betsy Ross shirt right here on EIB”!

  85. There’s something hinky with that gif. I don’t think he really did that.

  86. *pops two percocet and smokes a joint

    You see…the CIA was dealing heroin to the blacks in Cincinnati because its a free city, meaning anyone can operate there. The NY crime families and the Chicago crime families left Cincinnati as neutral so they could use it as a drop off point. And that’s why the CIA was there in the 70s. If the mob was there, the CIA wouldn’t be there.

    Not many people know this but Cincinnati is one of the biggest mob towns in the US and has the most strip clubs except for Tampa and Vegas. But it’s open. No one controls it.

    And that’s why JFK was killed. Because the mob wanted to prove to him that he owed them his presidency. It’s all about Chicago. They stole the election for JFK and then killed him.

    *smokes another joint

    Once in the 80s I traded an ounce of cocaine for an ounce of heroin from a guy named Ricky Ticky. He was a black guy, executive at P&G that also ran 4 or 5 girls and dealt heroin out of jazz club. The heroin was so pure because it was being shipped over from Vietnam inside of coffins and only the CIA could get it. We smoked that ounce for days until I thought I was going to go insane and I never touched it again.

    CIA. Mob. Cincinnati. Think about it.

    ^^^
    I have to listen to this crazy shit whenever my FIL is in town. I could tell the Ricky Ticky story almost verbatim at this point.

    THINK ABOUT IT MAN

  87. MJ, Hunter Biden is a complete fuck up and it’s both hilarious and tragic how screwed up that family is.
    ————————–
    It’s a little sad because he doesn’t have a bottom. He is able to make millions of dollars without doing anything. I can’t even imagine.

    Spend a week or a month at a posh rehab place then party your ass off in Monte Carlo for a month. Repeat until death.

  88. I sent him an email. It’s just a little ridiculous.

  89. Is he just a delusional fabulist or has he had a psychotic break?

  90. It’s a little sad because he doesn’t have a bottom. He is able to make millions of dollars without doing anything. I can’t even imagine.

    Spend a week or a month at a posh rehab place then party your ass off in Monte Carlo for a month. Repeat until death.

    He’s basically Teddy Kennedy without the dead woman or the Kennedy mystique.

    If he hadn’t been such a coke fiend he could have screwed around in the naval reserve for a couple years, run for office, and gotten a nice comfy senate seat.

  91. Ricky Ticky. I love it. We should come up with a Dem Debate question for Ricky Ticky.

  92. The story is clearly, ‘lets get it all out there’ type of PR but for chrissakes.

    He couldn’t pass a non random drug test. That’s an IQ test. Your body metabolizes coke in a few days. It’s not like anyone asked him to give it up for a month or anything.

    And then he fucked his dead brother’s wife and made his family go along with it publicly. Jeez. Not fucking a dead sibling’s wife is a low bar. You could write that one on the back of your hand if needed.

    Do not fuck widow.

    Trump puts out a tweet about him, and Hunter Biden starts yelling at a helicopter hoping that its a live press shot so he can yell directly at the president that he doesn’t give a fuck.

    Nothing says not caring like yelling at a random helicopter.

  93. I should hook him up with Lauraw.

    He knows everything about growing plants.

  94. Three army recruiters showed up looking for Ethan. They probably saw my pot plants in the garden.

  95. >_>
    <_<

  96. The dems don’t have a rug muncher running for preezy. Who is responsible for this?

  97. Comment by Car in on July 9, 2019 3:02 pm
    Three army recruiters showed up looking for Ethan. They probably saw my pot plants in the garden.

    Make them a deal: they take Erin and her friends to the mall and pay her $20 every time she says, “I really love a man in uniform” around a group of boys while they’re nearby.

  98. If you think Marianne Williamson hasn’t dabbled, you’re high.

  99. The dems don’t have a rug muncher running for preezy. Who is responsible for this?

    The fiercely heterosexual Corey Booker will have you know he loves to munch a rug.

  100. The Bidens are “What if…House of Cards was written by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld?”

  101. Leon speaks truth. I’m pretty sure Marianne Williamson has gotten up to some freaky shit at Burning Man, or at a hippy commune in the back woods of Michigan.

  102. Make them a deal: they take Erin and her friends to the mall and pay her $20 every time she says, “I really love a man in uniform” around a group of boys while they’re nearby.

    I tried to get them to take her, but Erin wasn’t having any of that.

  103. She could use two or three years stuck in Fort Bumfuck, Louisiana.

  104. I prefer Ft Lost in the Woods, MO.

  105. So, is Jeffrey Epstein the most successful pimp ever?

  106. If he was so successful, where is his Cadillac, his gold chains, or his fly purple crushed velvet suit?

  107. Successful criminals don’t get caught.

  108. I needed a new hat, so I tried to find a good Betsy Ross one. I ordered this bad boy in the stone color.

    https://www.warriorcode.us/products/betsy-ross-flag-flex-fit-cap

    I ordered it last week and it still hasn’t shipped. I bet there’s a run on everything Betsy Ross now.

  109. Comment by leoncaruthers on July 9, 2019 5:25 pm
    Successful criminals don’t get caught.
    =========

    He had a helluva run though, what with the private island, jet, etc.

    I guess if you get enough serious dirt on enough people, you can skate. This is another thing that wouldn’t have seen the light of day if Hillary had been elected.

  110. … And I just got a text that my hat shipped.

  111. Comment by lauraw on July 9, 2019 10:08 am
    Did you thin your clusters, Jay? I hope it’s not too late to thin your clusters.

    ——-

    Sometimes Lauraw goes too far. Too far.

  112. Comment by MJ on July 9, 2019 2:42 pm
    The story is clearly, ‘lets get it all out there’ type of PR but for chrissakes.

    He couldn’t pass a non random drug test. That’s an IQ test. Your body metabolizes coke in a few days. It’s not like anyone asked him to give it up for a month or anything.

    And then he fucked his dead brother’s wife and made his family go along with it publicly. Jeez. Not fucking a dead sibling’s wife is a low bar. You could write that one on the back of your hand if needed.

    Do not fuck widow.

    Trump puts out a tweet about him, and Hunter Biden starts yelling at a helicopter hoping that its a live press shot so he can yell directly at the president that he doesn’t give a fuck.

    Nothing says not caring like yelling at a random helicopter.

    ———

    This is an excellent comment. Very upscale hostagy.

  113. Also, Roamy mentioning Hostage shopping lists made me laugh. Man, we use to have excellent shopping lists.

  114. Wait, Carin is a pothead??
    I though Hotspur was our main doper.

  115. A groundhog has moved into Fat Bastard’s den. Just spotted him for the first time, eating artichoke.

  116. Rush says your hat is a fake, unless you got it from him.

  117. haha, Tucker breaking down how many Dem politicians send their kids to Harvard. Gore in the lead, with 4 children!

  118. laura grows some nice exotic veggies for your wildlife. We should rename her SierraClubLauraW

  119. Rush is kind of a dick these days. His hearing is shot, so he’s constantly missing the point of some of his callers.

  120. His 3 hour show can be distilled down to about an hour of good content. Between pointless banter, in program commercials and station commercial breaks you get the good stuff that is relevant. Whenever a kid calls him I know it’s off to Rush Revere-land for book selling and tune out.

  121. He was eating WHAT

  122. And if a drive-by show mentions his name, you better believe he’ll have that sound bite queued up the next day.

  123. Nifty

    https://tinyurl.com/y5b5kt2h

  124. Worked on my co-worker with the student loans today, trying to Dem-proof him. He wants to believe that the loans can go away. Thank you, Obama, for “if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor” and “everyone’s going to save $2,500 a year.”

    He’s paying $800 a month on $50K of loans for himself and his wife. Not saving anything for retirement. Won’t have them paid off before his oldest kid graduates high school. Shiiiiiiiiit.

  125. WordPress is moving slower than Biden trying to read when he’s not allowed to move his lips.

  126. Praying for you to get well soon, BroCav.

  127. Went to see the new Spider-Man after work with friends rather than just lurk in my apartment all evening. Also met best friend’s new kitten, probably barely more than a month old. I really need to do this more often, it would probably do me more good than my meds to be honest.

  128. Deftly, Erik retouched photographs.

  129. The government should NOT be guaranteeing student loans.

    Banks should not give student loans to garbage degrees and I’m sure there is a simple algorithm that could determine loan amount to future salary probabilities.

    As Dave Ramsey says he needs to be more aggressive in his loan payoff.

    Teaching our citizens they can be stupid and get loan forgiveness is teaching the wrong message (as a country, religion is a separate evil) and is evil.

  130. McConnell answers in the PERFECT way:

    https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

  131. yup brocav real world can be fun


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