Watermelon Douche Chills

Gather round my friends and lend an ear, there’s a tale needs to be told. This is the abridged version. For the complete story you’ll need to pony up 50 cent to my publisher.

giphy

You see, there was once a man, so big he shook the ground with each mighty step. For a snack he’d eat an entire ox and pick the gristle from his big-as-a-surfboard teeth with the ox horns.

One day he decided to make a name for himself and went about growing watermelons. These were the sweetest melons you ever did eat. One taste and you’d sell your own mother for a whole melon.

watermelon-dress-2

That presented a problem for this guy, let’s call him Melongelo. After a while he got tired of all the moms trying to get his watermelon seed and was just too tired to farm his patch.

1ec4cbcd516a6abc67ace924ee5f9992

She spits, he swallows

Anyway, back to Melongelo, he also discovered people were stealing his melons under cover of darkness. He tried staking out out the patch but would just fall asleep only to wake up to another melon gone. This led to melon collie and infinite sadness.

Finally he had a brilliant idea. He made a sign and posted it near the edge of the field. “THERE IS ONE POISONED WATERMELON IN THIS FIELD”. He figured no one would risk getting poisoned if they chose the wrong one. The next morning he woke early and was delighted to see that not a single melon was missing! He went to the sign and noticed a smaller sign attached to the bottom that read “Now there are two”.

Yeah, that story sucked. Here, have a twenty. Now get out there and light your flames,

harvard-bokko-olympic-flame1

It’s Olympic time!

cat-curling-olympic

Have yourself a wonderful Thursday. Don’t let winter get the best of you, there’s hope for a warm spring right around the corner.

 

156 Comments

  1. Paula got home at 11:45 and she’s back at work for 11-11 again. Mass text from her work saying “Multiple call outs. Come in early if you want”. She’s a little grumpy with that news. Plus the fact I ate all the egg salad she made for lunches for my dinner last night.

  2. Title-less poat creates nonclickable comments in the sidebar! Bwa ha ha ha. This happened at IB once. Some of us still go to the old thread because it’s a secret place now.

  3. Egg salad is great, that was her own fault for not hiding it.

  4. It’s like we’re no where. Wakey wakey

  5. I’ve seen the non-clickable comments at IB and wondered what was going on there! Now I know.

    I comment at your mom’s secret place

  6. Title it now or I will!

    You won’t like what I choose…

  7. Jimbro is just being obstinate now.

  8. Yeah, I use recent comments sidebar to navigate here most of the time.

    DOUCHE MOVE JIMBRONSKI

  9. stay strong J’Bro!!!!

  10. don’t give into teh pressures

  11. .

    .

    _

  12. weird –
    i click on the like button, it shows up
    then disappears on refresh

  13. I need a good egg salad recipe.

  14. Huh, same thing here Jam. My thumbs up remained though!

  15. It’s hard to screw up egg salad. I would have chopped the veggies up more than Paula did though. Did I tell her that? C’mon, I’m not crazy!

  16. MIL gave us four lobster tails.

    SOUS VIDE, BABY

    http://www.seriouseats.com/2016/12/food-lab-complete-guide-to-sous-vide-lobster.html

  17. My email named this post “65777”

  18. I’m friends with Paula on facedouche. Just saying. You’d better watch your step.

  19. That’s an excellent fire!!

  20. Persons who do not title their poats will be placed on the hump-scraping rotation three days in a row, beginning immediately.

    https://is.gd/78uroh

  21. Threat withdrawn. Thank you, anonymous Poat Titler Person.

  22. It was me. In anticipation of both Leon’s naming it in an acronym fashion and Hump Scraping Doodies

  23. Yeah Carin, it’s not like I called her a picky eater or anything!

  24. I got shit on both you and Leon.

  25. I would never deliberately provoke you, though.

    I liked my title better.

  26. Sore muscles today from 35 lb dumb bell snatches. 100 of them.

  27. I haven’t exercised in like 2 weeks. Work plus baby care is killing me lately.

  28. Try snatching the baby. Problem solved.

  29. Why go to the hassel of making a quiche, when you can just make scrambled eggs.

    https://www.ketovale.com/recipe/crustless-keto-quiche/

  30. Hassle

  31. I’ve been shovelling snow a lot. That’s not nothing. I spend an hour at it every time we have more.

  32. I wonder how much Sweden hassles their Muzzie guests?

    Maybe we should adopt Sweden’s rules for guests in our country

  33. I’m going to blame bullshit shows like “this is us” for women not being able to settle down with real men.

    Fuck that shit.

    I don’t know who this douche bag is, but this shit is wrecking women’s minds:

  34. I’m going to join the Snake Diet forums.

  35. Crap, no I’m not, requires FaceShit.

  36. Carin, every bit of fiction directed at women these days sells them a lie intended to prolong their consumption and make them less happy.

  37. Just what I was thinking, Jimbro. Sweden is full of female (especially), lefty emoters.

  38. The “pole” jokes write themselves here.

    Truth or Mare.

  39. Sam likes the pole. Just saying.

    /getting that one out of the way

  40. very bit of fiction directed at women these days sells them a lie intended to prolong their consumption and make them less happy.

    Agreed. But why? Who and why?

    I say we kidnap Nicholas Sparks and beat the shit out of him. HE didn’t start this crap, but he certainly took it up a notch.

  41. Because unhappy women buy more shit. Money drives it.

    Also Satan and our own concupiscence.

  42. Huh. I don’t know. Single women (who can’t find Mr Perfect) generally have less money.

  43. Married women, have children, buy more cars, decorate their homes. I definitely spend more than the single women (in general) that I know.

  44. I would blame … money, but really just the desire for authors/producers etc. They know women will eat this shit up. And it ramps up. Feeds into itself.

    It’s nothing new. Years ago I got into an argument with some women who were irritated with me that I couldn’t just watch a show w/o criticizing or discussing it. “CAN’T YOU JUST SIT AND WATCH”.

    Well. Obviously no. That lead to a huge fight and I”m no longer friends with those women. I was a trouble maker.

  45. Snowpocalypse starts tonight apparently.

    I’d better go buy some milk and bread.

  46. I didn’t say single women, I said unhappy women. Unhappy married women are great consumers of shitty media, and they’re watching the commercials.

  47. Yeah, 5-8″ expected here.

    Your mom was disappointed.

  48. That gal trying pole fitness is a pig and her body barely looks human. Her vulgar mouth isn’t helping.

  49. >>>Years ago I got into an argument with some women who were irritated with me that I couldn’t just watch a show w/o criticizing or discussing it. “CAN’T YOU JUST SIT AND WATCH”.

    This is why it doesn’t really bother my wife and daughters that I don’t care to go to the movies with them.

  50. Promise: if pole “fitness” becomes an Olympic sport, I’ll never watch the Olympics again.

  51. Who is Sam?

  52. Okay, just watched that promo Carin linked, she’s exactly right, this crap is making it hard for some women to settle down with real men.
    “I want someone just like Jack!!”

    My husband is physically attractive and has five sisters (he deals well with women and their emotional side). He’s well rounded but for crap’s sake he’s not that douche in the promo.

  53. Single women tend to vote for democrats.

  54. Some (maybe most, don’t really know) but they seem to vote emotionally rather than rationally.

    And Joe Kennedy and his wife pushing a stroller with their baby at a pro choice rally makes me want to puke.

    Hey, stupid Bishop of (wherever) excommunicate these assholes.

  55. I didn’t say single women, I said unhappy women. Unhappy married women are great consumers of shitty media, and they’re watching the commercials.

    BUt my chief complaint was that this shitty /unrealistic portrayal of men is making it harder for women to “settle” for real men. Thus … single.

  56. Sam is the dude who obviously REALLY likes the pole.

  57. He wants to, “create the narrative…”

    That right there should tell you everything you need to know.

  58. I think the audience for these shows is women who’ve already settled and are being made to regret it.

  59. I’ve given up trying to figure out what the hell women want in a guy.

    I spent the past 15 years trying to build up a life that was respectable, with a good career and interests that made me well rounded.

    I should have spent those 15 years playing video games.

  60. Apparently there are a lot of women who think that there’s some 6’3″ bank VP with six-pack abs, who spends his weekends helping at the animal shelter or rock climbing who is on OkCupid just waiting for her.

  61. I think the audience for these shows is women who’ve already settled and are being made to regret it.

    A couple of women who I know watch it are pretty happily married. They just like the sadness porn. I really don’t think that women who’ve already made a commitment (demonstrating that they can love real ACTUAL men) are at much at risk as younger women.

    You start them on Prince Charming /Disney … then they “grow up” (or fail to) by looking for this type of Mr Perfect. No one can compete.

  62. Men have completely unrealistic hopes for women, too.

    I mean, expecting to find one that’s sane? That’s absurd.

  63. I’m not even going to get started on men’s “issues”.

  64. See? Crazy.

  65. Okay, I lied earlier, I would deliberately provoke Carin, but only for funzies.

  66. Men’s issues stem from their fiction, I suspect. I’ve been waiting for my first werewolf transformation/radioactive beetle bite/alien artifact for 30 years now.

  67. TV has not been helpful in our lives. Dumbed us down terribly. (Like that sentence.)

    Oh, and Walter Cronkite, go eff yourself.

  68. Men’s issues stem from their fiction, I suspect.

    Isn’t that the same with women? They read this fictional sadness porn and it screws with their heads?

    The problem for men is that a lot of them don’t want to grow up, and the institutions and culture that encouraged them to has been largely destroyed by feminists and the left in general.

  69. The problem for men is that a lot of them don’t want to grow up, and the institutions and culture that encouraged them to has been largely destroyed by feminists and the left in general.

    ———–

    I agree.

  70. The problem with women is that most of them are spunk-drunk.

  71. The problem with “men” is that most of them are spunk-drunk.

  72. I think one thing is that social situations /patterns/ norms (however you want to put it) has been largely driven by the lowest element out there. You’re supposed to magically meet someone at a party/bar, perhaps have sex with them THAT night, and then live happily ever after. Love at first sight, that is TRUE. @@

    The idea that you meet someone, and perhaps aren’t even attracted to them at first … but weeks/months go by and suddenly you realize you’re really smitten. Today’s society simply doesn’t have the attention span for that.

  73. I’m not googling spunk drunk. Not even with safe search.

  74. Part of the problem is that men and women don’t have the social circles that they used to have. People would date friends of friends, because you were always bumping into them at BBQs and bowling night, or you’d go to the local dance with friends and meet someone there.

    Now people stay home and play video games or argue with assholes in blog comment sections.

  75. Carin, it’s from an Ace headline and it means exactly what you think it means.

  76. CoAlex … that was sorta my point.

    But I’m not an asshole.

  77. I am…Carin don’t sell yourself short!

  78. -cough-cough-

  79. Apparently there are a lot of women who think that there’s some 6’3″ bank VP with six-pack abs, who spends his weekends helping at the animal shelter or rock climbing who is on OkCupid just waiting for her.
    ———————————-
    Oh yeah. These guys are out there for a few weeks. They nail the chick, then move on.

    Duh.

    Start nailing chicks, Alex.

  80. Carin is pretty short, Mare. I mean, shorter than MJ.

  81. Have you been sipping on so much Democrat Dick you’ve become spunk-drunk?

    Best line in months, or even ever.

    http://acecomments.mu.nu/?post=373770

  82. I wouldn’t describe me as an asshole. I can be annoying at times. But I’m usually sorta nice.

    whatever.

    You guys can all go fuck yourselves.

  83. I am short. I ‘ll own up to that.

  84. Everyone should sell their stock and invest in fish stick futures.

  85. Erin’s even shorter. Hannah is just about my height. Close.

  86. What’s the difference between nailing and smashing?

    Mare needs to know.

  87. I’m going to invest in Democrat spunk.

  88. MJ, I’m putting all my money into land and Dogecoin.

  89. What’s the difference between nailing and smashing?

    Volume.

  90. I’d like it if you guys could show some interest in my hobbies. This is good.

    http://www.tabatatimes.com/power-snatch-vs-squat-snatch-you-decide-2/2/

  91. I’m going to invest in salty tears. Its all the rage these days with the Left.

  92. “I mean, expecting to find one that’s sane? That’s absurd.”

    hahahaaa –
    nicely done brother!

  93. ahh-ite off to a funeral

  94. I’m meeting with the DEQ guy at the land next Tuesday.

    I’m completely conflicted on what outcome I’m hoping for.

  95. almost time to go to state.

  96. Only possible upside is that Redfin says the place I’m in now is worth 75k more than what we bought it for.

  97. Well, that and having 4 times as much land after the move, assuming it happens.

  98. Our Governor gave his state of the state speech yesterday.

    It’s so bad he didn’t speak about it. Instead he spoke about fairness, free birth control, raising the minimum wage and green energy.

    We are screwed.

  99. Nowhere to go but up, Scott!

  100. What, he’s going to say “Get out! Now! While you still can!”

    Though frankly I’d give that points for honesty.

  101. Since I genuinely live under a rock, what did SpaceX actually do this week?

  102. Sent a Tesla to Mars. Next month the Cuban space program is going to do the same thing with a 57 Chevy.

  103. But instead of a mannequin, they’re sending Fidel.

  104. Can Canada send Justin Trudeau after that? He really should be with his father.

  105. Basically Elon Musk finally exceeded the efforts of Top Gear, Season 9, Episode 4.

  106. Someone explain this to me:

    Female Yorkie
    $300
    Columbiaville, MI

    Female Yorkie 7 years old good with kids and other dogs and cats housebroken has her 3-year rabies shot and her dog license

    A 7 y/o dog, and they’re looking for $300?

  107. Who buys a grown dog that isn’t a guide for blind people?

  108. Someone explain this to me:

    A fool and his money are soon parted.

  109. That’s a bit pricey. Still, once I’ve got some stability I may get an older critter. Less need for training involved, presumably.

  110. I ve never understood up people paying big money for pets. But a yorkie pup (with papers) could easily go for $1500 & up, so $300 is probably considered a bargain for the right dumbass.

    A seven year old dog is something you take in when a friend or family can no longer take care of it, has to move , or maybe you just have a big heart and go the recue route. You don’t buy the thing.

  111. I should add that every yorkie I’ve known has been a sweetheart. Good dogs. And they are most definitely chick magnets (hint, hint CoAlex – may not be a bad investment?).

  112. that’s what I’m thinking. If you have to get rid of a pet you’ve had for 7 years, you may be an asshole and no matter WHAT the circumstances, you should be happy that someone will take it and love it for you.

  113. “Oh, little buddy, you’ve been such a friend. I’m so sad I can’t keep you. But maybe I can make a little bit of coin.”

    See what I’m saying?

  114. $300 would make the most expensive bulgogi sammiches ever. Probably tasty, though!

  115. We got Rowan for about $600. They’re asking $650 now.
    He’s in their dog photo page about halfway down with an orange bandana on

    http://www.cattledogmaine.com/Photo-Gallery.html

    Totally worth it.

    I get your point about spending that much for a 7 year old dog. Finding a loving home ought to prompt you to pay for someone to take your dog FFS.

  116. “Pouring Is Boring” right Mare?

    https://guzzlebuddy.com/

  117. Charging money may be to ensure that the people actually want the dog, and won’t abandon or kill it in two months.

  118. I’d love a dog, but i dont have the time or space. It would be cruel.

  119. Open for 293 years. Serving suckling pig. Just wait till the Muslims hear about it. 293 years and a day.

    https://is.gd/gQZRgn

  120. Moose was$650- bargain since no papers

  121. “Pooh never looked so good!” exclaimed Christopher Robin.

  122. Tucker was $100. Christmas gift for my ex from her mom. Stupid girl got tired of him by the end of January and he became mine.
    No papers, very large for a minpin, so not a show dog. He’s still the best dog I’ve ever had – i’d glady pay much more for a clone of him when the time comes.

  123. Oschi was more. And she’s a lot smaller. Much higher per pound price.

  124. Small dogs > big dogs

  125. Moose was about $3.71 a pound. Oschi was well over $14 a pound. Then add in the (mumble mumble) grand for her surgeries ….

  126. That puts her up to about $67 per pound.

    I wuz robbed. Good thing she’s so cute.

  127. Michelle Obama says ” that’s nothing compared to the wagyu beef steaks you taxpaying proles bought for my dinners!”

  128. Oh man, Jimbro. Some of those red cattle pups reminded me so much of my red gal Ruby when she was a baby, it made water spring to my eyes. Cattle dog pups are the funnest.

    Some gorgeous dogs on that page. One cracked me up- nothing in the world is so full of pure joy as a dog covered with stinking black pond slime.

  129. Snowmaggedon is due here in about 9 hours.

  130. Dude running for Congress in CA puts some knowledge to the skin’s on “The View” – dude is an actor:

    http://dailycaller.com/2018/02/08/antonio-sabato-jr-drops-immigration-truth-bombs-on-view-hosts-video/

  131. I almost put a warning up for you and Scott. They are lovable little assholes, aren’t they?

  132. “But logically people who are coming in even legally or illegally are flying in, they’re not jumping over a wall,” Behar exclaimed.

    Do they have trebuchets on the Mexican side that they’re not telling us about?

    We could fund the border wall on ticket sales alone…..

  133. Heh. One of the dogs on that page Jimbro linked was named “Linda Blair”.

  134. A name she undoubtedly earned. Those dogs are all a little demon-possessed.

    *sniffle* wuv.

  135. HAH HA HA HAAAH!

    I love the new header tagline, funny person.

  136. Those little ones are just too adorable. I can almost smell the puppy breath through the interwebs.

  137. From an article by Victor Davis Hanson

    “Jordan likely knows little about San Joaquin Valley family dairy farmers and little notion of the sort of skills, savvy, and work ethic necessary to survive in an increasingly corporate-dominated industry. Whereas dairy farmer Nunes has excelled in politics, it would be hard to imagine Jordan running a family dairy farm, at least given the evidence of her televised skill sets and sobriety.”

    https://tinyurl.com/y76cloju

  138. I call b.s. on the Spanish restaurant being the oldest. Mr. RFH and Mini-me ate at St. Peter’s in Salzburg, which dates back to the 800’s.

  139. Was it someone here who linked that article relating Beauty and the Beast to today’s hookup culture? Because that was really good and relates to that ^^^ discussion on OkCupid, etc.

  140. My son has a date. Kinda excited. Link to that article Roamy/anyone?

  141. This is where I went in Salzburg while visiting my brother who did a year abroad at the University there

    https://www.augustinerbier.at/?L=1

    I still have a liter beer mug from there hanging around somewhere. People were eating fancy sausages but all I could afford, while still drinking 2 liters of beer, was radishes.

  142. Mr. RFH said St. Peter’s was pricey but it’s not every day you get to eat where Mozart ate. There’s Indian mounds in GA that aren’t that old.

  143. I am not aware of any decent radish joints around here.

  144. Gentleman’s radish.

  145. When you’re at the end of 4 years of med school and tooling around Europe with 3 other guys in a compact station wagon, cheap radishes with your beer is great. Our dinner of rice with German mustard didn’t hold us that long.

  146. I won’t go to a radish joint if they sell fish sticks.

  147. Gingy was free, no papers. MA was $250 14 years ago. AKC.

  148. Leon’s house?

    https://twitchy.com/dougp-3137/2018/02/08/__trashed-121/

  149. Mailman came this morning
    Brought a message by
    Said it was from my derp
    Think I know just why

  150. I have things to say, but my comments won’t be read before the poat is stomped.


Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Comments RSS