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You Are An Asshole

Do me a favor, would you? Go into the bathroom or your bedroom or look down at your shoe and give yourself a long look in the mirror. Try to look a little disappointed, and say this out loud, ‘I will never be a as good of a person as Lauraw. Not if I invented a time machine and prevented Barak Hussein Obama from becoming president. Not if I found and convinced Mila Kunis to spend an evening with MJ. Not if I opened a weed farm and put MJ in charge of quality control. There is nothing I can do to be funnier or more thoughtful that Lauraw.

Then punch yourself in the balls/vag.

Behold, the Deadmaublanket5.

And before you go busting on Scottw for not helping, he helped. So punch yourself in the balls/vag again for thinking impure thoughts. As I was unpacking this glorious, flannel masterpiece I actually said to myself, ‘whoever packed whatever this did a helluva job.’

I had no idea that it was a handmade gift–I have been conditioned by Amazon to expect anything to be delivered in a giant box surrounded by airpacks containing another box filled with bubble pack. I swear their picker/packers are paid by box volume. It was really nice to receive a gift packed thoughtfully.

If lauraw packed the box you can stop punching yourself in the balls/vag. I just assumed it was scottws handiwork.

Anyhoo, here are more pictures of leomau5 enjoying the blanket during a very important part of the day:

Entertain dad by reenacting police brutality …and tummy time!

MJ: Hands up! Leo: Just wait til you in the ghetto, cracker ass cracker. Just cuz you the 5-0 that don’t mean shit in my hood. 

 

Nice stitching! Plaid is my favorite color!

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December 5, 2017
Categories: #Championshiplevelboobs, BANGLAR After Action Report!, Beret, Beriberi, Grippe, groomin' your shroom, Hostages Legal Aid, Huevos divorciados, I am judging you, is there such a thing as bad head, It must be true!, macadamia, Make Him Stop - everybody probably, My Sharona, Nate Silver, open your chaste mouth, Oprah's Slut Club, Snake Juice, Snake juice guzzler, This is fucking bullshit, Where's Cyn?, Where's MJ?, your mom is a fish monger, Your mom likes this, Your Welcome Hotspur . . Author: MJ

104 Comments

  1. Comment by Jimbro on December 5, 2017 4:42 pm

    10/10 Like

  2. Comment by Colorado Alex In Exile on December 5, 2017 4:49 pm

    Awesome!

  3. Comment by scotw on December 5, 2017 4:49 pm

    My important contribution.

    Laura: I could do this, or this. or this. or a Deadmau5 baby blanket

    Me: THAT! DO THAT! YOU MUST DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Comment by lauraw on December 5, 2017 4:56 pm

    YAYYY! There’s a cute baby on that tiny little quilt! I can’t even stand it. So happy.

  5. Comment by Jay in Ames on December 5, 2017 4:57 pm

    It’s pretty, but there’s snow falling on it.

  6. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 4:58 pm

    You can turn off snow. I did.

  7. Comment by Colorado Alex In Exile on December 5, 2017 5:03 pm

    That’s not snow , that’s MJ’S cocaine. Being a dad is hard.

  8. Comment by lauraw on December 5, 2017 5:03 pm

    Not for nothing, but that kid is giving Daddy the stinkeye.

  9. Comment by Jimbro on December 5, 2017 5:04 pm

    Could be worse things falling on it

    https://is.gd/JoIJZw

  10. Comment by Colorado Alex In Exile on December 5, 2017 5:24 pm

    MJ needs a Josh Homme bankey…

  11. Comment by Jay in Ames on December 5, 2017 5:26 pm

    Jeff Flake donates to Jones, Roy Moore’s opponent.

    What is in the water in AZ?

  12. Comment by Hotspur on December 5, 2017 5:27 pm

    Well, his name is Flake.

  13. Comment by MJ on December 5, 2017 5:50 pm

    I really don’t get it.

    He’s sooooooo beyond the pale that we have to remove him from office. Why, he could go so far as to lower the individual child care deduction by 11 rather than 9%!

    He’s an out of control narcissist that would be just fine if he’d think and act exactly like me.

    I work 12 hours a week and have a staff of 20 with an office budget of $11M, some of which I use to settle harassment lawsuits. My livelihood is provided by someone else. Trump is corrupt. Pass the drawn butter, please.

  14. Comment by MJ on December 5, 2017 5:51 pm

    The congres critters are scared. I’m ok with that.

  15. Comment by Chi on December 5, 2017 5:55 pm

    Adorable kidlet. Has he puked on the new blanket yet?

  16. Comment by LC Aggie Sith on December 5, 2017 5:57 pm

    He’s absolutely precious!! The blanket is amazing. Much kudos and tons of hugs to Laura!!

    And kisses for leomau5!!

  17. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 5:58 pm

    I should run for congress. A few years on that salary and I could retire anyhow.

  18. Comment by MJ on December 5, 2017 5:59 pm

    Adorable kidlet. Has he puked on the new blanket yet?
    ———————
    He doesn’t throw up much. But its early and I just fed him a few fish sticks and a can of chili. I’ll let you know how it goes.

  19. Comment by MJ on December 5, 2017 6:00 pm

    Aggie! Holy shit I just checked out your site a few mins ago. Wanted to know what you’re up to.

  20. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 6:00 pm

    I promise not to sexually harass anyone or take any bribes. I just want the pension.

    I’m a man of simple wants and small ambition. Hell, I’ll leave a publicly-accessible webcam on in my office 24/7.

  21. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 6:02 pm

    Possum almost never puked either. Just very occasional spit up when she’d had too much milk.

  22. Comment by MJ on December 5, 2017 6:03 pm

    If you win I fully expect access for my donors and lobbying interests.

  23. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 6:05 pm

    Sure thing. They’ll be on camera and microphone.

  24. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 6:07 pm

    Wait, WTF are these people?

  25. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 6:37 pm

    MJ’s lobbyists and donors: go!

    Muppet Lives Matter

  26. Comment by lauraw on December 5, 2017 6:42 pm

    Aggie?!?! Holy crap, how long has it been?

  27. Comment by roamingfirehydrant on December 5, 2017 6:43 pm

    That is awesome, the bebeh and the blankey.

  28. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 6:45 pm

    Blanket and baby are beautiful. Tummy time is fun time.

  29. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 6:53 pm

    Shoot, I owe people SS assignments. First thing tomorrow.

  30. Comment by Yo Soy Senor Pendejo on December 5, 2017 6:54 pm

    MJ’s lobbyists and donors: go!

    The Seagram’s Holding Company

  31. Comment by Car in on December 5, 2017 7:01 pm

    Lauraw is just showing off with that gift. I’m triggered.

  32. Comment by Pupster on December 5, 2017 7:26 pm

    Gortons, Inc.

  33. Comment by Pupster on December 5, 2017 7:27 pm

    Make America Short Again PAC

  34. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 7:31 pm

    420 24/7 Farm Conglomerate

  35. Comment by osoloco11 on December 5, 2017 7:32 pm

    Most amazing baby quilt/blanket ever!!!

  36. Comment by osoloco11 on December 5, 2017 7:33 pm

    Baby is cute.

  37. Comment by lauraw on December 5, 2017 7:57 pm

    Super-cute. But I’m a little disappointed. MJ says he’s got a pullup bar installed in the crib but Leo hasn’t done a single rep yet.

    I just hope he can catch up to the other babies at the gym.

  38. Comment by osoloco11 on December 5, 2017 8:04 pm

    Leo needs a workout plan. Burpees and reps.

  39. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 8:11 pm

    Possum does a lot of kettlebell swings. She’s the kettlebell, but she’s involved.

  40. Comment by mare on December 5, 2017 8:12 pm

    Lauraw and Scott, THAT is a cool blanket for a cool kid and cool parents.

    Well done!!

  41. Comment by Brother Cavil on December 5, 2017 8:19 pm

    Nice! I like handcrafted things. I appreciate the skills, and it doesn’t seem soulless like the cookie cutter mass produced crap. Unless you’re soulless and you just make cookie cutter crap. In which case, fuck you, but no, this blanket is cool.

  42. Comment by Colorado Alex In Exile on December 5, 2017 8:21 pm

    Alex might have some more salient points, but I think there’s at least one doctoral dissertation to be had on the topic of money as a technology, and one in need of disruption.

    That was one rabbit hole I tried to avoid during grad school. I had an Austrian professor for monetary economics, but I never drank the kool-aid. I don’t have an objection to fractional reserve banking, or fiat currency.

  43. Comment by osoloco11 on December 5, 2017 8:55 pm

    Rewatching GOTG2. All about fatherhood. Daddy issues on the big screen

  44. Comment by Colorado Alex In Exile on December 5, 2017 8:55 pm

    I thought that was Southside With You?

  45. Comment by Colorado Alex In Exile on December 5, 2017 9:21 pm

    Obama reference killed it…

  46. Comment by lauraw on December 5, 2017 9:30 pm

    Any news on your home and your stuff, Alex?

  47. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 9:48 pm

    I don’t object to either fiat currency or fractional reserve banking in principle, but as currently practiced, where private banks essentially do all of the money creation, and the circulating number of dollars can neither be known nor controlled.

  48. Comment by scott on December 5, 2017 9:49 pm

    Squeeee! I got a twitter like from Mary Katharine Ham.

  49. Comment by Colorado Alex In Exile on December 5, 2017 9:58 pm

    LauraW,

    Landlord says that things look better. He spoke with a firefighter who agrees that the worst is likely over for us.

  50. Comment by Brother Cavil on December 5, 2017 10:06 pm

    That’s a relief. Having your home and possessions in danger while you’re somewhere you can’t do anything about it, that’s a level of anxiety for sure.

  51. Comment by Jay in Ames on December 5, 2017 10:06 pm

    twitter? have you seen Dave? He’s lurking over there.

  52. Comment by ChrisP on December 5, 2017 10:13 pm

    What can go wrong wrong with AI?
    From Cmdr Salamander:

    https://tinyurl.com/y88sgtht

  53. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 5, 2017 10:22 pm

    The answer is “everything, and you can’t know until it’s too late that it was going to”.

  54. Comment by Colorado Alex In Exile on December 5, 2017 10:30 pm

    Behold, the great Digital God, through whom mankind shall be led to salvation! All hail Xe’s prophets: Zuckerberg, Kurtzweil, and Musk!

  55. Comment by Brother Cavil on December 5, 2017 10:35 pm

    AI: A bad idea whose time will come regardless. Because there will be someone who can’t think it through.

  56. Comment by ChrisP on December 5, 2017 10:58 pm

    In fairness, Elon Musk thinks that unleashing AI will kill us…

  57. Comment by Colorado Alex In Exile on December 5, 2017 11:17 pm

    Only if allowed to drive his cars…

  58. Comment by Teresa in Fort Worth, TX on December 6, 2017 2:14 am

    The blanket is amazing, and Leo is adorable! Well done, Scott and Laura 🙌

  59. Comment by Sean M. on December 6, 2017 3:41 am

    If I could build my whole world around you, darlin’
    First I’d put heaven by your side
    Pretty flowers would grow wherever you derp, honey
    And over your head would be the bluest sky

  60. Comment by lauraw on December 6, 2017 5:43 am

    I need to look up exercises for rehabbing my shoulder. I think I may have lost some mobility.
    Just don’t want to screw it up again.

  61. Comment by Pupster on December 6, 2017 6:15 am

    https://is.gd/ZX2m21

  62. Comment by lauraw on December 6, 2017 6:19 am

    *rolls up a newspaper*

  63. Comment by lauraw on December 6, 2017 6:21 am

    I don’t think chocolate milk is good for kids, but I’m still tickled that schools are allowed to serve it again. Wipe the Obamas’ legacy off the face of the planet. Buncha micro-managing control freaks.

  64. Comment by Yo Soy Senor Pendejo on December 6, 2017 6:23 am

    Beating your Pupster is not an approved recuperative regimen. It is a great euphemism though.

  65. Comment by Yo Soy Senor Pendejo on December 6, 2017 6:26 am

    I lived in the country until I was about 13. I had no access to chocolate milk except at school. My grandmother on the other hand lived about five blocks from a grocery store. When we went to visit her, my brothers and I always took a pocketful of change. We prolly averaged a half gallon per day per kid.

  66. Comment by Pupster on December 6, 2017 6:31 am

    School lunch in elementary school included a pint of either white or chocolate milk, I remember getting a note sent home for having a bit of a breakdown one day when they ran out of chocolate in kindergarten and I refused to drink my white milk.

  67. Comment by lauraw on December 6, 2017 6:37 am

    Well when you’re a kid, it really *is* all about the little things, lol. Poor little kindergarten Pupster. Cute story.

  68. Comment by lauraw on December 6, 2017 6:38 am

    One time I was supposed to go to a sleepover at my Aunt’s house with some other cousins, but I couldn’t find my favorite slippers. So I ran away from home. All the way to the backyard.

    That was three weeks ago, but it’s become just another funny old story to me now.

  69. Comment by lauraw on December 6, 2017 6:54 am

    Santa getting arrested is so funny to me. I don’t know why. Always makes me grin.

  70. Comment by Jimbro on December 6, 2017 6:55 am

    If Hillary was president she’d make sure chocolate milk was safe, legal and rare

  71. Comment by lauraw on December 6, 2017 7:00 am

    If Hillary was president she’d make sure it was mandatory for all schoolchildren to drink plain skim milk, and that milk was free to all citizens.

    In one week there would be a national milk shortage, the nationalization of all cows, the establishment of secret black market dairies, and the enactment of capital punishments for milk counterfeiters.

  72. Comment by Jimbro on December 6, 2017 7:05 am

    I’ve told this story before but it’s on topic and you guys have the collective memory of a goldfish so here it goes again: Every now and then Paula buys chocolate syrup for the boys who rediscover the milk in the fridge. Soon every glass and coffee mug is dirty with the dregs of syrup at the bottom. They never just rinse a mug out to reuse. Hell, why should they? There’s clean ones in the closet! After a few days of this bullshit I’m the guy snickering to myself as I squeeze the syrup down the drain. After a couple of days there’s an argument over which one bogarted all the syrup. I smile inwardly while thinking “my work here is done”

  73. Comment by lauraw on December 6, 2017 7:10 am

    I saw that story the first time, and it’s still awesome Jimbro. Someday years from now you will be tempted to tell it to Paula and the boys, but you really never should do that. They’ll look at you differently, even though it was their own annoying behavior that caused it.

  74. Comment by Pupster on December 6, 2017 7:10 am

    Tebay Dairy was the local milk provider, I have many fond memories of drinking their fresh cold milk out of glass bottles and jugs. Tastes very different when the container is paper or plastic.

  75. Comment by Jay in Ames on December 6, 2017 7:25 am

    those are stories for grandchildren when the parents are feeling smug

  76. Comment by Jimbro on December 6, 2017 7:50 am

    Good points both Jay and Laura. I’ll keep that one in my back pocket for now!

    My memories of school time chocolate milk was small wax paper half pints. Every now and then I’ll impulse buy a chocolate milk at the grocery for the ride home. Maybe a few times a year. There’s one store I shop at less frequently that has coffee milk! Growing up in SE MA near RI meant we were exposed to that deliciousness

  77. Comment by Car in on December 6, 2017 8:07 am

    Chocolate milk is just about as good as any of those bs after workout drinks. It’s fine for an active kid.

  78. Comment by Car in on December 6, 2017 8:07 am

    wakey wakey

  79. Comment by MJ on December 6, 2017 8:17 am

    Pretty sure I’ll be a full time hostage after this morning’s meetings.

  80. Comment by PepeLp on December 6, 2017 8:22 am

    Urgh, 19 degrees this morning.

  81. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 6, 2017 8:22 am

    Are they going to make a maniac out of you?

    SS emails sent, let me know if I messed something up or I missed you.

  82. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 6, 2017 8:24 am

    31F here, due to rise to 40. Looks like winter starts Thursday or Friday.

  83. Comment by lauraw on December 6, 2017 8:33 am

    Jimbro, when I was a kid, leaving a pile of dishes (that it was your job to clean) in the sink meant that you could come home from school and find a pile of reeking dirty dishes in your bed.

    Are the boys tasked with cleaning, or does Paula do all that for them?

  84. Comment by geoff on December 6, 2017 8:44 am

    …and find a pile of reeking dirty dishes in your bed.

    Yeah – that’s what I did with my kids, too.

  85. Comment by Jay in Ames on December 6, 2017 8:56 am

    wax half pints of milk, oh the memories.

    I have coffee milk on the way to work. More like milk in my coffee. With sugar, and vanilla.

  86. Comment by Jay in Ames on December 6, 2017 8:57 am

    fitness center supervisor suggested chocolate milk right after a workout to start muscle rebuild. Good protein source.

  87. Comment by Jay in Ames on December 6, 2017 8:59 am

    I hope “full time hostage” means you’ll have more internet time, not something else.

  88. Comment by Car in on December 6, 2017 9:05 am

    Yea, what was MJ’s comment about ?

  89. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 6, 2017 9:10 am

    http://archive.fo/D0t5q

    Oh man, this is wonderful. Still not tired of winning.

  90. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 6, 2017 9:11 am

    MJ’s job is set to self destruct soon when his boss retires, iirc, but I thought that was next Friday.

  91. Comment by Jay in Ames on December 6, 2017 9:25 am

    So many options for SS. Just go with the first instinct.

    Man, the internet snow is falling fast today!

  92. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 6, 2017 9:27 am

    My first instinct was probably a dud, so I’m still thinking.

  93. Comment by Car in on December 6, 2017 9:38 am

    I’m sending my SS Erin. I already announced that.

  94. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 6, 2017 9:41 am

    *checks list*

    *is amused and dismayed*

    *is very sad that Alex didn’t sign up this year*

  95. Comment by Pupster on December 6, 2017 9:42 am

    *fingers crossed*

  96. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 6, 2017 9:42 am

    I’m sure whoever gets her will take good care of her.

  97. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 6, 2017 9:45 am

    And if you get sick of her, I still have Alex’s address from last year.

  98. Comment by Jay in Ames on December 6, 2017 9:51 am

    Sent you a message, leon.

  99. Comment by Car in on December 6, 2017 9:53 am

    J’ames, there are no take-backs.

    Sorry. It’s too late to drop out of SS. If you get Erin, you’re just stuck with her. You takes your chances.

  100. Comment by Jay in Ames on December 6, 2017 10:08 am

    New Poat!

    I’m not worried about no SS. I’ve got plans for whatever comes in the big box!

  101. Comment by Hotspur on December 6, 2017 10:08 am

    Men are scum.

  102. Comment by Colorado Alex In Exile on December 6, 2017 10:08 am

    I want a discount if I have to break her of bratty behavior.

  103. Comment by leoncaruthers on December 6, 2017 10:20 am

    She’s like a puppy, Alex. Free to a good home.

    And you can crate-train her.

  104. Comment by MJ on December 6, 2017 12:26 pm

    Are they going to make a maniac out of you?
    ————————-
    I dont’ believe so, but I’ve never been termed before. Its an odd situation. My boss spent about $24M over 4 years on ‘transformational’ projects but none of them ever really went anywhere. We just spent 18 months setting up one such software package only to roll it back within 72 hours. This forced her retirement, and the dissolution of my team. I didn’t work on teh project much but I’m one of the casualties.

    Hoping to negotiate a year of severance but 6 months is likely.

    I was going to bail in April anyway so its really decent timing. Whole job was a classic mismatch. They think they wanted someone with my background but really wanted a yes man. I thought I just wanted a paycheck but really wanted meaningful work in addition.


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