Worst Gifts Ever

It’s that time of year again. Rampant consumerism everywhere leading to excess spending and purchase of ridiculous gifts out of obligation. Here are a few awful ideas if you’re looking to piss someone off and get out of next year’s swap.

For the hipster couple

pb-and-j-beard

Snapping the carrot

badsweater

“Show me on the doll …”

south-park-season-17-black-friday-08

Anything bought in the condiment aisle isn’t really a gift.

rmx-the-perfect-gift-idea_o_2611869

Always a bad idea

Found at the Dollar General next to cutouts of “What Happened” by HRC

donald-trump-chia-pet-3712

Inappropriate juxtaposition? Um, yeah …

c8a41eeb-030d-4612-b0aa-da513b54d8d2

From your catty bitch friend

6-in-1

Okay, that’s what not to give. Let me show you some awesomeness

fcd7c276880953f0e706b8e1f8a2724c-gifts-ideas-for-men-great-gifts

and

three_mattis_moon_tee

of course

a026410bddf1dc494d5adc90ea8a982d-screen-printing-shirts-superhero-clothes

I’m sure you all can think of worse. Don’t forget to sign up for Secret Santa.

282 Comments

  1. Man, I have a crapton of stuff to do today.
    #1 is update my resume and wallpaper job websites with it.

  2. Secret Santa Reminder:

    If you want in on this year’s gift exchange, email my name at the gmail thing with:

    Your handle, your real name, your physical address, your phone number (optional in case anything goes wrong in shipping).

  3. I forgotted to say good morning to everyone.

    goomumeh ewwehn

  4. Good morning, everyone.

  5. Rampant consumerism everywhere leading to excess spending and purchase of ridiculous gifts out of obligation.

    You say this like it’s a bad thing.

  6. *claps hands*

    Wake up, people. I need you.

    Where’s Carin?

  7. I am here, working OT. I think today is payday and I have to pay off a bunch of things with it.

  8. Had engine in the F150 tuned up this month. That took a bite.

  9. I’m here, been busy running interference to get the heathens out the door to school and managing dogs.

    Today is my day to lock in my rampant consumerism for my family. Brother and sister are easy, my mom is tough. She actively tries to decrease her possessions knowing that she is entering the elderly phase of her life. OTOH, when I visit she manages to wear nearly every piece of jewelry I’ve purchased for her over the course of the visit (an exaggeration, but it does make me happy to see she wears it!).

  10. I was driving kids to school. THen I got stuck somewhere else, sorry.

    Wakey wakey.

  11. Alright, gotta go do some stuff!

  12. I have no idea what I’m doing for christmas shopping. I’m at a loss right now.

    Plus I’m thinking of sending Erin to whomever I get for SS.

  13. I do have two “fun” things to look forward to- we’re doing a special workout this Saturday for my birthday- I literally love my gym friends. I’m turning 50 so we’re doing a Death by 50’s thing that looks horrible. It’s GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN. I may die.

    And Pat let me buy tickets to the cats fucking in the closet concert for May – in Canada. I’m getting the floor this time, because I want to dance. I’m taking the three boys with me.

  14. My mom posted this on facedouche. See what I’m dealing with here, people? You’re lucky I’m not a raging alcoholic.

    https://wonkette.com/626405/go-fuck-yourself-sarah-huckabee-sanders-you-debased-redneck-motherfucker

  15. Plus I’m thinking of sending Erin to whomever I get for SS.

    Would you estimate her worth at ~$25? If so, I’m okay with that.

  16. I just need to start making my homemade bacons, mustards, coconut granola, sesame candy, etc at some point in December. Trying to think up some new such gifts just to make this year different. Spice mixes, maybe?

  17. that would be fun.

  18. Holy crap… I’m done. Everything I had to do for the delivery… finished.

    I’m gonna go feed the horses then go to Meijer. I’m sure I’ll think of things to do today while I’m out.

  19. The shipping may jack up the cost. I’m willing to eat that and call it good.

  20. No way in Hell I’m going to that URL, Carin! Sheesh, they are gone beyond the bend.

  21. As a professional shipping professional, I must inform you that no carrier will take children for transport.

    The cartons leak.

  22. I know a guy.

  23. Maybe I could ship her via truck driver, like they do with puppies?

  24. I wonder why no one takes Wonkette seriously?

    “Was her worst act of the week when she defended her white supremacist boss Donald The Stupid after he hurled racism at Navajo code talkers who helped us win World War II, by telling them all about mean old “Pocahontas” in the Senate?”

  25. Never trust a guy who has a layer of kitty litter in the bottom of his moving van.

    Don’t ask me how I know

  26. The article is ridiculous. That my mom read it/shared it …

    /hangs head

  27. Maybe you’re looking to ship off the wrong relative.

  28. I don’t have to live with her.

  29. It’s seriously a metal kind of day. I’m going to listen to it all day until it’s time to drink.

  30. Joking. Sorta.

    I’ll probably fast, because that may help my mood.

  31. At least my dogs love me. Lots.

  32. I’m making kimchi today. When it gets above 40 degrees I’ma go out to the garden and pick the carrots and green onions that I need.

  33. Clear plastic totes make pretty good little cold frames. We got a bunch for free off a move.

  34. clear plastic totes should work for shipping children. Helps with the leakage.

    Better yet, use the opaque ones, and give them Benadryl first.

  35. Carin, please don’t bring that level of stupid here. She’s YOUR mom. Deal with it.

  36. I have this huge hockey tote. I think that’s honestly the best option.

  37. Hotspur – friends share. Ok, well, I overshare.

    You fuckers know that.

  38. Would it be better to use duct tape on the tote, or apply directly to the child?

    Discuss.

  39. “Or?”

  40. “And” is the word you are searching for. Dilemma over.

  41. Child.

  42. IIRC Wonkette got semi-famous by writing an essay detailing how much Capitol Hill cock she’d had up her ass. Sounds like she’s continued to descend from there.

  43. Today’s goal – find blu-ray remote.

    Aim low. that’s what I say.

    I’m going to use one of those colorful /patterned duct tapes on her. It will be very festive.

  44. Thought I found a good idea for SS, but it’s too nice for you, and I’m keeping it.

  45. Started watching Godless last night. Even though I think Jeff Daniels is a cum guzzler, the show is pretty good. It has a good cast. Michelle Dockery is a babe. She should stay away from Al Franken, Matt Lauer, and John Conyers. Don’t worry about Garrison Keillor. I think he just fondles boys. You know – NPR.

  46. Time for those Christmas avatars. I still like this one. Wait for it…

  47. Woop, there it is

  48. Woop.

  49. /taps foot

  50. There we go. She’s back.

  51. This avatard pretty well represents me.

  52. Ha ha ha haa! I love the little crying babies on Santa’s lap. “This guy does NOT smell good. Halp mommeeee!”

  53. TV remote for the living room hasn’t been seen in weeks. I gave up.

  54. pretty sure Benny ate the remote. Or Possum did.

  55. The remote has been joyously flushed down the toilet by a cute little blonde tot.

  56. The remote, somehow, is up a tree inside of a pumpkin.

  57. Leon gained all his old weight back, and the remote has been stuck under his pannus all this time. He’s gonna need a chisel.

  58. I rented a movie last night, and for some reason it won’t play on the ps2 thing. I need the blu-ray player.

    ugh. I found some other remotes – not the one I was looking for – but I need some batteries. One of them works it too, I think.

  59. The remote got stuck in the diaper genie and was accidentally thrown away weeks ago.

  60. It’s probably in a toy box or under a couch.

  61. ps3 was the first blu-ray playstation.

  62. Or under a bed. With gnaw marks on it. From the boogyman who lives under there.

  63. No beds on the ground floor, and I’d be very surprised to see it having made it up the stairs.

  64. Turns out I’m mostly English and Scotch/Irish.

    Why am I white without slanty eyes????

  65. Because Europe and Britain didn’t select for slanty eyes. Instead it appears to have selected for muppet molestation.

  66. Yeah, that whole muppetfucking thing started with sheep. Felt being a woolen, and all.

  67. The remote was bitten by a radioactive spider. So it crawled up into a window, spun a web, then rolled into a ball and died at the first frost.

    Look in the windows. Bring the vacuum.

  68. And GET THE EGG SAC. You don’t even want to know what’s going to hatch out of that thing in Spring.

  69. We’re moving by then, no worries.

  70. It’s seriously a metal kind of day. I’m going to listen to it all day until it’s time to drink.

    I call that “Thursday”. Also I keep listening while I drink.

    I’m in a suburb of Toronto on an install jerb. We went to a chain wings and ribs place last night, the waitress was just GORGEOUS but might not be 20 years old yet. She didn’t talk to us old fat dudes much until tab delivery, then she tried a little friendly banter, and one of my cow-orders mistook her tip-enhancement attempt for genuine interest. He was all happy and proud about “still having it” until she delivered the tab to the next table, and went through the same routine word-for-word, same hair-flip and laugh, everything a carbon copy of our table.

  71. We actually watched a movie last night, Lucky Number Slevin. Quirky, but well done.

  72. So young, and yet so cynical, Pups.

  73. I remember enjoying that, Pepe, but I don’t remember it very well. Is that the one with Jeremy Piven?

  74. My new phone left Anchorage yesterday at 4:50.

  75. ps3 was the first blu-ray playstation.

    I actually don’t know what the hell the game thing is we have. It plays blu-rays though. I was simply going to call it a game box …

  76. Leon, nope, Josh Hartnett, Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley, Lucy Liu.

  77. Your mom is a game box.

  78. Saw a post on Facedouche. People complaining about Obamacare premium increases. Evidently, it’s all the Republicans fault, and it’s a shame Hillary wasn’t elected because she is a great woman and would have fixed everything. SMH

  79. You know who liked my game box? Your mom

    I don’t even know what i’m saying.

  80. I thought Lucky Number Slevin was really good when I saw it a few years ago. Liked it a lot. I recently went to re-watch it, but can’t find my copy of the DVD. It’s either buried in a box, or I loaned it to one of the multiple neighbors next door that fled in the night before they could get evicted.

  81. Car in, I hope your mom treats your kids better than she treats your sassy friends on faceass.

  82. I was thinking of Smokin’ Aces.

  83. Beasn- not really

  84. Lucky Number Slevin was good. The Piven flick you’re probably thinking of was Smokin’ Aces, which I also enjoyed. (Its sequel wasn’t quite as good, but enjoyable enough if you turn your brain off.)

  85. OMG, I can’t believe what Trump just did!

    Impeachment just around the corner!

  86. Better watch those Piven movies now, before the police come by and round up all copies!

    PCU is a lot of fun.

  87. The remote joined the peace corps and was sent to Zimbabwe to educate remote village children. It participated in the recent coup and cited its love of all things that contain a silent p as a reason to remove Mugabe.

  88. OMG

    He’s going down.

  89. Just booked a Viking river cruise for Prague, Vienna, and Budapest for October.

  90. The Left is boring.

    Poking fun at Elizabeth Warren as Pocahontas is not racist. First, most people don’t know who she is. Second, when they see her, people will be confused and just assume the MSM are saying things that aren’t true. Is she Indian? No, she isn’t.

    I guarantee that ‘Merry Christmas’ will be racist in the next few days.

    Hell, Ezra Klein is still indulging in impeachment fantasy with Joe Scarborough. That dog will not hunt, yet they keep whipping it.

    They are openly defending sexual harassment.

    They are screaming at the sky.

    They are

    MJ status: Not tired. I thought I might be tired by now but I’m not.

  91. Beasn- not really

    That is sad. And scary.

  92. God, it’s almost 1:30, and no mention of another democrat pervert being outed.

  93. Comment by Hotspur on November 30, 2017 1:12 pm

    Just booked a Viking river cruise
    ======
    Do you have to provide your own sword? How much pillaging is included?

  94. Morning, folks.

    Sadly, due to travel, I can’t partake in SS this year.
    Which, it’s a tragedy, as my One Tree Hill t-shirt finally gave up and developed a hole and is no longer suitable for public wear.

  95. Wife was just at KFC and got sub-par service from a gal named “D’Shardonnay”.

    I wonder if Hotspur knows her? Is her name actually a subtle way of warning others about her fetal alcohol syndrome?

  96. Tried to fix a leaky cold water line. Over-torqued the nut at the top and bent the copper tube to which it connects, probably fatally. Waiting on plumber to call back, probably buying a new faucet.

  97. cut the top of the line, if you have extra. and re-flare it.

  98. it’s unreachable, Jay, and it twisted right beneath the granite countertop.

  99. I cannot catch a break with that damned sink.

  100. All the more reason to go with flex pipe, and be done with it.

  101. And oso was right once again when I predicted Geraldo on the chopping block last night:

    osoloco11 on November 29, 2017 at 11:47 pm
    Pretty sure Geraldo has old Bette Midler accusations

    I did not know this about him. Just always got a ‘creep’ vibe from him, and know that the left is headhunting the other side

    https://twitchy.com/sarahd-313035/2017/11/30/me-too-bette-midler-shares-flashback-that-could-come-back-to-haunt-geraldo-in-a-big-way-video/

  102. Jay, the pipe WAS flexible, the copper tap is the part at the top that goes straight into the faucet. That’s what bent.

  103. “Flexible pipe” does not help here, the damned faucet connector bent.

  104. You can’t do plumbing without showing your butt crack. If you weren’t showing your butt crack you don’t know how to plumb.

  105. https://tinyurl.com/y75ucukv

  106. Plumbing the depths of plumbers cracks
    A Treatise
    by leon d’wrench caruthers

  107. I re-wrapped the base of it with some teflon tape and reconnected and it seeeeeeeems to not be leaking, but I can’t leave it like that forever.

  108. Laura is in the kitchen making horseradish……..

    My eyes!
    Holy shit!
    AAaaaarrrggghhhhhhhhhhh………… Good stuff!

  109. Shush. That’s how everybody makes horseradish.

    DON’T LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE BLENDER OH MY GOD THEY’RE MELTING

  110. The copper H & C stems coming out of the faucet are made of very thin and very soft copper. It is imperative that you secure that with a wrench before putting any torque on the water supply line while connecting it.

    If you twisted and kinked it, you try can straightening it, then brazing/soldering any cracks (if any).
    Good luck.

  111. Seriously though. Fresh horseradish right from the ground. I napalmed the kitchen and life is better this way. Hurts so good.

  112. Chi, I no longer take plumbing advice from you. Last time I drenched the drywall in my living room.

  113. Heh, did that once with ground up peppers. Now I grind outside.

    Mrs. Jay made it to the 2nd step from the top of the stairs before demanding I open every 1st floor window.

  114. Leon, the remote is actually a tiny, malevolent Transformer that turns itself into a soldering iron at night and destroys your plumbing for shits n’ giggles.

  115. I’m sure you’re right about the stems, but there’s no undoing it now, and it is leaking after all, so I’m fucked.

  116. Oooo, the plumbing fairy!

  117. duct tape, then shrink wrap.

  118. Huh?
    How? Stopping a drip from from a faulty valve?

  119. Yes, on the bathroom project I plugged the leaker into the non-leaker and it dripped all night, slowly but steadily, and went straight into the gypsum.

  120. The copper stem is almost unreachable in this instance, it’s behind a mounted sink, under a granite counter. There won’t be any soldering.

  121. Why did you bend it? That was kinda stupid.

  122. I’m not laughing, Jay. Every damn thing has gone wrong today and I don’t need it.

  123. just trying to lighten it up, Francis.

  124. Well, you weren’t supposed to turn the valves back on (if you did). But, I take full responsibility for your leaky pipes.

    That said, you can take the entire faucet assembly off in less than ten minutes.
    I thought you were some kind of engineer? Oh, wait – I figured out the problem…

  125. The only saving grace is that nothing leaks when I run the hot water, so at least I can wash dishes if I have to.

  126. *puts on flak jacket, dives for cover*

  127. *hunkers down

  128. CAR IN, GET DOWN!

  129. HOTSPUR, STAND UP!

  130. I didn’t turn the valves back on, Chi, it just didn’t stop the drip when I connected the slow leaker to the non leaker. I took your advice there and we have a ceiling to repaint.

    And no, I can’t take the faucet assembly off in less than 10 minutes. I’m sure someone could, but I can’t, and even then I’d have to re-connect everything behind the installed – undermounted – sink.

    And fuck you, seriously. The shit is broken and I can’t readily fix it with what’s at hand you’re seriously making engineer jokes?

    Yeah we’re all dipshits and that’s what’s wrong in this situation. Me. I should just stop trying to do things and go play in fucking traffic.

  131. I actually thought the valve suggestion was clever, so I tried it. Could have saved a lot of headache if I’d just left the thing in a damned bucket.

    I guess my shitty engineer brain that solved the problem the dumb way is to blame for taking the suggestion.

  132. I didn’t make a stink about it at the time, but I did mention it. I left it alone because I really should have monitored the situation to see if it really fixed it, but I tried it and now I’m paying for it.

    Now this thing, which should have been easy, goes wrong. It happens, it sucks, so I talked about it. Then you abuse me and impugn an entire profession.

    Fuck you.

  133. Woof.

    .

    Woof.

    .

    woof

  134. This

    https://is.gd/CAJg3q

    made me think of this

    https://is.gd/uVc1jk

    which made me think of that lovable douchebag Rosetta

    https://is.gd/LAfJ30

  135. You’ve made your point, Leon. I am not welcome here? OK, I get it (late, but I get it).
    But if you can’t take a joke, maybe consider logging off for a few days, man.
    BTW – Can I throw out a few lawyer jokes before I get banned?

  136. Mmmm…horseradish

  137. I hate trying to replace faucets. No damn room. The only time it’s halfway easy is before you install the sink. After that, you’re screwed.

  138. It helps having the right tools. $30-$40 at Home Depot can make a huge difference.

  139. Wait a minute, wait a minute!!! Do NOT leave, Chi. Here at the Hostages it is a time honored tradition to argue and say stuff and stuff gets said back then people calm down and then life here goes on as usual. If saying or hearing crazy crap was not business as usual nothing would EVER be said!

  140. I was fairly certain I had already made it abundantly clear that I wasn’t in a joking mood, Chi. I can’t and won’t ban you, but I didn’t deserve that.

  141. This used to be a fun place to waste away a bit of time.

  142. https://tinyurl.com/h96ux5o

  143. Plumber probably won’t call us back. Why would he?

  144. Leon is plumbing-frazzled, and engineer jokes are the third rail of humor on this blog. It was an easily foreseeable ‘splosion. No worries. Families fight.

    Now; whose turn was it to run the orbital sander over the high scaly spots on my hump?

    *poses provocatively with a pack of 100-grit disks*

  145. And my rescue dog peed on the rug and my wife sat in it.

    Day wasn’t complete.

  146. Plumber probably won’t call us back. Why would he?

    Maybe he knows that you’re an engineer?
    Did you say “Fuck You” to him twice in ten minutes?
    I’m just guessing here…

  147. No, and no.

    He also never implied I was stupid because something was giving me trouble, or that I was a dipshit by trade.

  148. Scott, shut your pellet hole!!

  149. *smashes whisky bottle and brandishes it menacingly*

    WHO WANTS TO BE MY NEXT PATIENT

  150. fight night, motherfuckers

  151. That was really wasteful, Laura. Was it at least a cheap blended whiskey?

  152. Geez. Thin skin on the first guy that welcomed me here – and I have SO MUCH respect for.

    I love you, Leon. Sincerely. I wish nothing but the best for you and yours.
    Please accept my my sincere apology for offending you and all engineers, dudes that are smarter that me in general, and the rest of y’all fun, funny folks.

  153. Yeah, I poured it out on your rug. That’s not dog pee. If you want a drink, you should go suck your wife’s ass.

  154. I’ve had a really, really shitty day, Chi, it has not just been the plumbing. Jay almost got the fuck you before you did. I warned him, then could not deal with what looked like a pile-on.

    You meant it in jest, I see that now, but I took it as insult in context. The fault is mine, and my apology is yours if you’ll have it.

  155. OK, I should apologize for that. It was funny when I typed it, all the way over here. Might not be funny over where you are. Sorry.

  156. If we were ever both awake at the same time while the toddler was asleep, that might be an option.

    Also your whiskey smells like dog piss. Buy better hooch or quit drinking.

  157. I’m a delete some comments. Be back shortly.

  158. Oh, okay, never mind.
    I’m kind of disappointed. Was hoping to see some bar chairs flying about like in the movies.

  159. Is it safe to come out now?

    /remains in safe space a tad longer

  160. Jay almost got the fuck you before you did.

    Always a bridesmaid…

  161. This is what happens when I ease up on the Lapeer Creek synopsis comments.

  162. DO NOT delete me telling Scott to shut his pellet hole!

  163. Fuck you, Jay.

    Feel better now?

    Wife reached out on facechimp. Some hobo with a wrench is going to come look at it at 9am.

  164. *starts a pool as to when mare asks about her avatar

  165. go suck your wife’s ass.

    ZOMG

    I LOLd.

  166. *spikes the football, does convoluted college football endzone dance

    *gets a flag

    *throws flag at ref

  167. Shut it, Mare.

  168. Haven’t had a good flame thread in a while

  169. I just had a great idea for eating crispy tacos.

    Instead of putting the lettuce and tomato on the top of the meat, the order should be reversed.

    A bed of shredded lettuce and tomato chunks in the bottom of the crispy shell, THEN the meat and cheese.

    The heavier meat will anchor the more flighty lettuce in place, and the meat grease will run down into an absorbent maze of shreds, instead of just dripping out of the bottom of the shell instantly as usual.

    Genius. You all owe me five bucks.

  170. I wanna tell someone to fuck off.

    Not Mare. She wants it too much.

  171. I hope Chi comes back and reads that. I share to be in Wiserclub.

  172. I’d hate to be… stupid phone.

  173. woof

  174. Laura, you’d make a really shitty messican.

  175. Nobody poop!

  176. don’t worry, the hot water works

  177. CARin, PG seems a good candidate.

  178. alex is too weak to get to the computer, so he should be in the mix too.

  179. I’m gonna go play darts, so you can drop some f bombs on me too.

  180. Darts is for pussies.

  181. Good poat, Jimbro. I gave my sister a giant bottle of ketchup for a baby shower gift, one of those big Sam’s Club things with a baby bottle nipple taped to the top.

  182. Sitting next to two girls’ high school swimming coaches. I’ll bet money they drive Subarus.

  183. Dammit, I think I ran him off after all.

    I suck. Every damn thing I did today was the wrong thing.

    I should go sexually harass someone and do some cocaine.

  184. Leon, lighten up. Everyone is entitled to a melt down. I doubt Chi is that thin skinned.

    And you really should go suck your wife’s ass, per Laura’s advice.

  185. I am so fucking pissed at SF right now, I hope that Kim Jung Un is able to get one ICBM past Ronald Reagan’s bullshit Star Wars joke of a strategy to obliterate a bunch of cunt illegal loving fuckwads.

  186. No you don’t.

  187. And you really should go suck your wife’s ass, per Laura’s advice.

    Ah, those carefree and hedonistic days before bebe.

  188. I hope he lobs a missile that almost hits SF, but is thwarted by Trump somehow.

  189. The bullet bounced off of a concrete pier.

    He killed her, but it wasn’t murder.

  190. Do we have an email for Chi?

    I should tell PG to fuck off. I think he’s due.

  191. Stop being so logical, Scotw We’re being all feels right now and don’t have time for logic and facts.

  192. Eh. You can tell me to fuck off, Carin. I’ll still go on loving you.

  193. Thank you even Steven for reining in my anger

  194. That kinda takes the fun out of it Lauraw.

    But I love you too/ fuck off.

  195. We should make fun of the spots on Car in’s lawn.

  196. It occurs to me that in the northern climes we are a bit short tempered this time of year. Lack of sunlight, you see. Sunset before 5 pm has a grinding effect on the psyche.

    We should probably have a fight night, now and then. Like a blog pillow fight, except everybody piles on your mom who is a hooooorrrr.

  197. A drag queen led a rally for the Dem in the Senate race here.

    Carin, you can tell me to fuck off, I’m probably due. My daughter brought me fancy tea instead of driving me crazy. I also spent the day cleaning my office. I inherited a bunch of files, and it was time for a purge. I found stuff from 1962.

  198. I have no link fu as we know, but there is some seriously sick shit on Twitter of a local artist being one with nature.

  199. She’s a fatty.

  200. I don’t have Chi’s email, he didn’t send me anything for SS so I can’t reach him that way.

  201. Roamy can fuck right off. So can the spots in the lawn.

  202. All of you homos who are egging Carin to launch an unwarranted verbal attach on me can go fuck off in a phone booth. But not you Carin. I’m skeered of you.

  203. I think Chi saw you were having that kind of a day and just paced off to give you a bit of air. No worries, man.

  204. PG’s practically begging me. I’m almost embarrassed for him.

  205. /gets Bitch hand ready

  206. If you hybridize your bitch-hand with your ww shtick, you could cover a lot more ground. It would be like, “Wake up and GFY” or whatever your formulation ends up being. Powerful stuff. Covers the joy of sunrise and the domination of your imaginary enemies all in one tidy package.

  207. I just had to Ososplain to Dan that I really didn’t want KJU to launch an ICBM into SF because of a jury decision.

  208. >>PG’s practically begging me. I’m almost embarrassed for him.

    Take a fuckin number.

  209. …and shit

  210. can we vote for California to secede?

  211. fuck off

  212. Thanks, Jimbro. I neglected to complete my thought.

    I see where Gomer Pyle died. It’s amazing how rural southerners were portrayed to the rest of the country back then. No wonder y’all hold us in contempt.

  213. Chi’s comment email is no shit an aol account. Maybe he should stay fucked off on general principles.

    Senatorstinkbuttmcgillicutty@ the aforementioned dot youknow.

  214. SF should be experiencing riots, but white people don’t riot much anymore. The assholes who failed at justice here were counting on that.

    If bad things happen to specific people involved in that debacle, I won’t be surprised.

  215. not sure what THE FLYING FUCK is going on here in this chat room….

    butt

    http://tinyurl.com/y9jgpgrn

  216. love y’all

  217. “Chi’s comment email is no shit an aol account. Maybe he should stay fucked off on general principles. ”

    hhahhahahahhahahahhahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

  218. btw –
    fuck engineers…..

    they

    ‘re

    a bunch of turds

  219. Chemists are all just drug dealers. Scum of the earth, really.

    I emailed the aol account just in case it’s real.

  220. “*smashes whisky bottle and brandishes it menacingly*

    WHO WANTS TO BE MY NEXT PATIENT”

    ooo’
    ooo’
    ooo’

    *raises hand*
    *hopes for the “good” stuff*

  221. My pussybitch detector is red hot.

    Who acted like an asshole today? Is wiser around?

  222. I’m the cray cray of the H2. There are times I H8 ScotW for being so right. Serial. He doesn’t even social media. The hump is the funny, but Scoot is the 👹

  223. Hi! How’s everybo…..

    **backs out slowly**

  224. #hacked

  225. Okay, that was a bad joke, but near as I can tell, #hacked is what you say when you’re guilty as sin.

  226. It’s screaming and shaking. My pussybitch detector only has moments to live and it’s asking me to lean in close.

    It must want to tell me something before it expires.

  227. * whisper *

    Deeeeetroooit…

  228. So wait, you’re holding a pussybitch detector, and it’s going off?

    Seems like it’s just overwhelmed.

  229. Programming note:

    BCoch will be my guest tomorrow to talk about the decaying culture that led to the constant sexual harassment allegations we’re watching unfold.

    Even better note:

    Meathead will be my guest next Friday, and i’ll He giving away a few copies of his book.

    Now I just need to figure out a creative way to do that.

  230. Oh, and fuck all y’all

  231. “And you really should go suck your wife’s ass, per Laura’s advice.”

    and

    THIS

    is why y’all “know” things

  232. Bcoch: the culture is degrading. Now let’s talk about muppet fisting.

  233. I might have to listen next Friday.

  234. >>>>Bcoch: the culture is degrading. Now let’s talk about muppet fisting.

    So I can expect you to call in with a counter-point?

  235. “Oh, and fuck all y’all”
    *plots how to sabotage wisers show*

  236. >>>>I might have to listen next Friday.

    Not to get all egotistical an’ shit, but if you haven’t Been listeninglately, you’ve missed some pretty cool interviews.

  237. Of course it’s a genuine email acct, Pup. But you doxxed my dog, not me – that’s his email addy.
    Now, I am tempted to sign up for the SS thing just so he can send you or Leon a “gift” for Christmas, but the last thing we need here is a Bob Ross Chia Pet buttplug in return.

  238. I don’t doubt it, but my days have been full top-to-bottom with insanity on the job for weeks. I’m still on the clock right now.

  239. No counterpoint. I’m all in favor of fisting your muppet.

  240. Chi, if you sign up, I’ll send you some weapons-grade salsa to enjoy or threaten people with.

  241. I’ve also banned my first idiot.

    Black racist who insists everything is about race.

    Had black Chief of Police on the show today and he told me off air that the black racist is a lunatic and is glad he’s gone from the show.

    That was ……. interesting.

  242. wiser – delete this after you read it cuz gross PDA and all:

    i’ve been listening to your show –
    good shit dude
    you’re getting better and better
    at some point i won’t be able to claim i know you because – name dropping

  243. I’ll always have the claim to fame that I was a guest way back when you needed random schmucks to help you fill air time.

  244. >>>I don’t doubt it, but my days have been full top-to-bottom with insanity on the job for weeks.

    I hear ya.

    I’m gearing up for the end-of-year. Between the show and the insanity of EoY bookkeeping at the music store, I am not looking forward to Jan. 1.

  245. >>>I’ll always have the claim to fame that I was a guest way back when you needed random schmucks to help you fill air time.

    Oh, I still need that. Hence, BCoch…

  246. >>>i’ve been listening to your show –

    So YOU’RE the one!!!

    I interviewed a professor from a local community college earlier this week that I thought went reeeealy well. Got compliments on it from a few other people as well, including the SM.

    I’m thinking “awesome! Something for the media resume!”

    Of course, station’s recording system failed. It’s gone.

    😡

  247. Have you considered doing your own backup for that? Like with a radio at your house on a timer, or possibly something automated to copy the stream?

  248. the number of quality interviews you get are amazing

  249. and some of your regular callers are actually articulate

  250. It would not be hard to cron something on your laptop if you’re still running linux mint.

  251. “and some of your regular callers are actually articulate”\

    /says the simian with an iq of 50

  252. >>>>Have you considered doing your own backup for that? Like with a radio at your house on a timer, or possibly something automated to copy the stream?

    When I was doing the Saturday show, I would record it in the production studio, to be sure I got it. Had to fall back on the station’s recording occasionally, but it was always better my way.

    Can’t do that during the week.

    But you have given me an idea. I have a “new” laptop that is incredibly fast. Maybe i’ll start recording the show on that from my office.

    I should have known that Leon would have the solution…..

  253. chi chi

  254. you still around?

  255. “I should have known that Leon would have the solution…..”
    neanders shouldn’t be overlooked

  256. I’ll always have the claim to fame that I was a guest way back when you needed random schmucks to help you fill air time.

    :D

    We need to figure out how to get Rick Mastracchio to do a follow-up interview, in the studio this time. Maybe he goes home for Christmas?

  257. long week and all –
    i’m out
    please remember to sexually harass your bbf – ooopppps i meant your bff

    live long and masterbate

  258. You’re on at the same time every day, you could have something scripted to open the stream and pipe it to a file for the duration, whether you’re there or not. Cron jobs aren’t too hard to set up.

  259. NOFAP4LIFE!

  260. My toilet needs to be replaced. How do I go about doing that?

    Should I turn off the power first?

  261. >>>You’re on at the same time every day, you could have something scripted to open the stream and pipe it to a file for the duration, whether you’re there or not. Cron jobs aren’t too hard to set up.

    I recognize most of these words, but together…..

    O_o

  262. *heads out back to bury the pussybitch detector next to the slightly used rubberfist headstone.

  263. How’s Tom Hill?

    I really like that guy.

  264. >>>Should I turn off the power first?

    quite the opposite.

    Be sure to attach yourself directly to the main grid, so you can easily melt the wax ring and make it set better.

  265. I’ll see if I can get it working here, then I’ll tell you what I did.

  266. Toilet replacements are easy as hell compared to kitchen sinks. Only one or two things can even really go wrong, and you’ll know immediately.

  267. Evening, everyone. No SS for me. I might need the money. I found that I’ve been removed from the trip schedule for 2018 at work. I go to Virginia next week, and that’s it. They might be planning to put me back on if things go well for this trip, but I figure at this point I should just plan to tender my resignation once I return.

  268. I’m sorry to hear it, Alex. A cousin of mine used to work at Goldwater in AZ. Want me to see if she’s still in touch with anyone?

  269. I’m back now, jam. Was on the phone with a friend from the HQ. Do you want to abuse me too? What’s up?

  270. Leon,

    I couldn’t hurt. I’m looking at Ventura College courses. I could take a programming course and two art courses, all on Thursday, and work the rest of the week. I’d be able to just cover my living expenses that way. The goal would be to find a new job, preferably outside of California.

  271. CoAlex
    If you’re in my corner of VA ID be honored to spring for lunch and/or beers. But I bet you’re heading to NorVa – a bit out of my jurisdiction.

    Leon,
    I’ll reply to your email with a response re: the SS thang. Thank You for that apology, btw. Unnecessary, but appreciated.

  272. Chi,

    I’m going to Fort Lee, so the Richmond area.

  273. Huh.
    I did a fair amount of remodel work on the BOQ at Ft Lee a generation ago. Halfway to DC, but still farther than I can afford to travel – maybe next time.

  274. Comment by MJ on November 30, 2017 10:14 pm

    My toilet needs to be replaced. How do I go about doing that?

    Should I turn off the power first?
    ======

    Disconnect the negative battery cable. #everyautorepairmanualever

  275. Replacing your toilet is a good time to swap out the battery and the timing belt, so be proactive.

  276. Whew – glad I missed the kerfuffle earlier!

    Leon, just remember that sometimes the dragon wins: 😊

    https://tinyurl.com/ybnjlc4d

  277. Every year, I buy the TiFW daughters a hardcover cookbook. This year’s entry is Julia Child’s “Mastering the Art of French Cooking”. They probably won’t crack it open, but at least they will have another nice cookbook in their collection.

  278. I see the ashes on the ground
    I know the world is burning down
    And under the cold and empty moon
    But after the disco
    All of the derp just faded away

  279. I love that cookbook, Teresa. Got it as a gift from my MIL.

    I think I’ll open it today and see what catches my eye.

  280. oui oui!


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