Baby Watch

T-minus three months until total loss of sleep, life, and mind. I’m counting on all of you hostage aunts, uncles, and somewhere in between, to keep me honest and give me tons of advice on how to raise a baby. Every new parent loves to hear about what they’re doing wrong and how its going to permanently scar their child!

So far GND is doing great. She’s happy, healthy, and kind of loves being preggers. No cravings, no morning sickness, and no real change to her routine. I’m sure this will hold for the next 18 years and we’ll barely notice that there’s a little pooping and peeing creature tucked away upstairs. I can just sling some mashed potatoes at him every few days right? Being a parent will never be difficult, right?

*******************

Baby classes have been…interesting. The things I’ve seen. The things I’ve learned. Did you know that a baby liquidumps until he transitions off the tit? Did you know that as soon as you take off the diaper to change it, he pees? Did you know that your life will revolve mostly around poo and pee? These are all things that I probably knew in my darkest of  hearts, but you can imagine my horror to hear a nurse tell me to be prepared to have everything covered in human waste only to clean it up and then start the process all over again. Yeah, drudgery!

********************

Did you know that some women eat the placenta after it unceremoniously falls out of their cooch? Well let me tell you brother, that is some gross shit that will not be happening in casa de MJ. But can’t you have it freeze dried and turned into supplements? Little capsules of baby organ that you take over the next few months? Yes, yes you can, but after exhaustive research into this topic I have decided (GND has decided) that its just not worth the $1000. Super gross and thank god its expensive.

********************

After attending said baby classes, I’ve determined through careful research that precisely 0% of the people in Southern Indiana should actually be procreating. Not sure of your geography knowledge, but I can see Kentucky from my house and it is scarier that Hillary without booze. You can really feel the weight of ‘Tucky when people introduce themselves as having multiple babies but all from different mothers or fathers.  As in, ‘This is my first baby…with him.’ To which he replies, ‘Thisun is my third baby but only my firstun with her.’  To which I reply, ‘that’s splendid Cleetus! If only I had been industrious enough to find and consume a lifetime of Mt Dew and swell to twice my natural size yet lazy enough to never, ever think about putting a rubber on my winky doodle! Bravo! Wonderful life you’re leading!’

********************

In all seriousness, the past 6 months or so have been wonderful. I’m really looking forward to bringing a baby home and teaching him how to hate you all so very much.

Leo Matthews, year 2042, Brings Balance to the Force

139 Comments

  1. What I learned in baby classes is how much of life revolves around high-quality mucus.

  2. The oatmeal rocks.

    Things I never thought I would hear, but now on the H2: Baby Placenta Capsules.

  3. I saw Baby Placenta Capsules open for U2.

  4. For Oso.

  5. What I learned in practice was that you need a motherfucking boppy pillow. Get one for every chair you might feed the baby on. You also need the fat little tomee tippee bottles and a bottle warmer, and bags for milk, and a breast pump. Just get one.

    Also, you will try it just to see, it’s okay, you’re not weird. Everyone does.

    Baby joints crack a lot. Don’t panic, just be gentle.

  6. The Oatmeal is ok, but he goes hard-core lefty every once in a while which is annoying.

  7. Oh, and do literally everything you can so that mom and baby can bond and rest. All the chores are now yours.

  8. When the new baby comes, mom will want time to bond with the child. Your best bet is to go to the bar and just stay there with the guys. Only come home late at night, around 11pm, and fall asleep on the couch.

  9. I have no appropriate and pertinent advice. I don’t really have any inappropriate and impertinent advice. Honestly, there’s a good reason why nobody listens to me, and it really is for the best.

  10. When she had a trio of little babies in the house (one older + infant twins), one of my girlfriends became obsessive about having enough little washcloths. She must have had a hundred washcloths but it was never enough. I bet she could have filled a whole load in the washer with little washcloths.

    My advice to you is to start stockpiling little washcloths now. Get a few every week.

  11. So Chris Cillizza did an AMA over on Reddit.

    Went about as well as you might expect…

    http://tinyurl.com/yap39hwv

  12. GND’s brain is going to turn to swiss cheese, too. Make sure she sleeps enough or it will be even worse.

    Get a rocking chair and a Kindle Fire and Netflix. She will need these.

  13. Does GND have a baby registry? She needs to set one up so we can send you some things you need.

    https://is.gd/UIGLtL

  14. Sanitizing wipes, the baby butt kind. Buy 7 million of these. Also some Aquaphor.

  15. I didn’t do bottles with any – maybe the first one? That was a long time ago. YEs, he took a bottle. The rest went from boob to sippy cup.

    A boppy pillow was nice, but what I really liked was my sling.

    Eh. You only need about a quarter of the things you’ll get, and before you know it they’ll be a teenager and you won’t be able to to find a fucking phone charger in the house.

  16. I used clothe wipes. And cloth diapers.

    And didn’t make my own baby food because my babies didn’t eat that shit.

    Boob to mashed up real food.

  17. Heh, BC, my favorite comment:

    Hi Chris, it’s Ashley Feinberg. My question is how could you have possibly thought that this would be a good idea?

  18. My only advice about kids is – let somebody else raise them ‘they l they’re about three. That’s when they start becomingly people. They get inquisitive, cute, awestruck by the simplest things, impressionable…

    Then, when they get ten or so and start developing attitudes, kick them out and start over.

  19. You don’t need to take any fucking baby classes. Christ!

  20. Car in, we wanted to stay exclusively on breast milk, but mom wasn’t always going to be there, so I fed a lot of bottles of her milk, usually on ANG weekends.

  21. We didn’t do baby food at all. Breast milk to finger foods.

  22. They used to have “birthing” classes. They are pretty much next to useless – unless you are interested in how to become a compliant patient.

    This is the BEST book on childbirthing: https://www.amazon.com/Active-Birth-Approach-Giving-Naturally/dp/1558320385/ref=pd_sim_14_7?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1558320385&pd_rd_r=1QYZ6R04TVXXKJ9VY2PZ&pd_rd_w=iAXXf&pd_rd_wg=VXa2E&psc=1&refRID=1QYZ6R04TVXXKJ9VY2PZ

    Bar none.
    The best.

    You’re welcome.

  23. I’m surprised the dickface feminists haven’t invented a pill to cause men to lactate, and women to burp, fart, and pass out in the chair.

  24. I bought that book in 2001. LOL. Amazon told me. Had it for Ethan and his was the best birth .

  25. I’m going to feed him tenderloin from day 1.

  26. I had tried the Bradley method before – that’s husband-lead birthing. I’ve concluded that men SUCK at helping women birth because other than being excited for the event, they truly have no clue, and are mostly likely slightly grossed out.

  27. (that book – although the goal is natural birth – also helps with pain, position and delivery)

    1) not all epidurals work
    and
    2) women still need some fucking knowledge unless they just want the doctor to take the baby out.

    Seriously, MJ, you just need me there. I’ll get the two of you through this.

  28. OHHH Leonnnnn there is a article on the telegraph reporting that there exists a “Chinese anti-pervert flamethrower”. Looks pretty cool.

    *makes a great gift for newborns too!

  29. Carin will steal your baby. She almost got away with Possum.

  30. /orders “birthing ball” from amazon
    /ignores Hotspur

  31. Hotspur’s right. If you let Car in help, you need to be careful that you don’t take home a surly teenage girl instead of a bebbe.

  32. I had tried the Bradley method before – that’s husband-lead birthing. I’ve concluded that men SUCK at helping women birth because other than being excited for the event, they truly have no clue, and are mostly likely slightly grossed out.
    ——————–
    Hired a dula. But you’re more than welcome to provide those services for free.

  33. A surly teenage girl with a purse full of chargers.

  34. AWESOME. Fire the doula.

  35. they truly have no clue, and are mostly likely slightly grossed out.

    I was present for my niece’s entry into this world. Was the first one to hold her.
    Her father wouldn’t come watch.
    I still have the little knit cap they put on her tiny, soft skull. She’s 16 now – I plan on giving it to her when she has her first kidlet (which will hopefully be another decade!).

  36. I’m going to bring Moose, is that OK? He’s going to LOVE watching a baby being born.

  37. I’m going to feed him tenderloin from day 1.

    Possum had some yesterday. She approved.

  38. Have lots of cloth diapers for pooping and burping. I was going to do cloth diapers (diaper service) with beasnette and ordered the larger size because I knew she was going to be large and they sent me the newborn size, which her ass did not fit in. Called them to change them out but they said they couldn’t come back until the following week. I said don’t bother and canceled. Told them they could come the following week and pick up their diapers. Did disposable thereafter.

    But did have a bunch of cloth diapers of my own that I used for burping and to catch what leaked out the other boob during feedings.

  39. I did my job as birth coach, no grossing out, no panicking, advocate for mom and ensuring that our wishes were followed and holding daughter when needed, as gently as I could.

  40. And three years of no sleep? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Try five f*cking years. Beasnette had Mr. B. trained. She made a peep, he went running. From diaper changes to feedings to boogie men to night terrors. And that was around the time Mr. B. began to snore.
    I became a hot mess.

  41. I’ll deliver that baby.

    ‘Here GND, take a few big swigs off this bottle of rum.”

    *POP*

    “Waaaaaaa!!!!”

    “Mj, hurry up and eat this placenta while it’s still warm.”

    “Carin, get away from there.”

  42. I’m going to bring Moose, is that OK? He’s going to LOVE watching a baby being born.
    ————————–
    Well duh.

  43. Can we talk about something else? You’re grossing me out.

  44. BOLO for placental retention. Ours didn’t deliver of its own accord and wife was already off the epidural before it came out because our nurse was a rotten dipshit woman who was too quick to yank the drugs.

  45. Mine are 28 and 25. I’ve forgotten most of the bad parts and some of the good parts. Mine were both born C-section so Mrs. P got denied the thrill of vaginal delivery. However, I’m convinced she’s the better for it now.

  46. Can we talk about something else? You’re grossing me out.

    We could talk about popping pimples.

  47. I assumed that was a joke, that or Laura’s gonna have a bad time as an RN.

  48. Can we talk about something else? You’re grossing me out

    I could gross you out with my Olive Garden experience yesterday.
    (Which them nds me that I need to call corporate right now…)

  49. Hah! I would never want to be a maternity nurse. Noooo. I cried during my clinical rotation when I saw a baby being born. I did fine through the whole procedure (c-section), because I really enjoy watching surgeries, but about two seconds after they pulled the kid out, it hit me like a wave. You can’t help it!

    Thought all my tears and snotbubbles were hidden by the mask but the doc and nurses looked over at me and they all went “AWWW.” Embarrassing. One of the nurses said, “It’s okay honey, sometimes we still get emotional too.” Ridiculous. Awful. Ugh.

    But mainly, maternity nursing seems boring. Massage the fundus, massage the fundus. Check vitals. Massage the fundus.

    And when it’s not boring, it really really sucks. Not for me.

  50. t mainly, maternity nursing seems boring. Massage the fundus, massage the fundus. Check vitals. Massage the fundus.

    That’s hot.

  51. nd when it’s not boring, it really really sucks.

    The nurse who had to sit in my room and watch over me all night after Erin was born was a nervous wreck. She kept sneaking into the bathroom to smoke cigarettes- I was kinda in and out all night, but I could SMELL it. It was weird. Then I found one hidden behind the toilet the next day.

    My OB went into early labor the next day. She was a newer doctor, and I imagine it may have been the first time things ever went really wrong – w/o any expectation of such. I was low risk and all that.

  52. She was smoking in the hospital? AYFKM?

  53. Smoking in hospitals is so weird to see in movies.

  54. Worst places to smoke?

    Fireworks factory

  55. When my kids were born we sat in the fathers’ waiting room and smoked our asses off.

  56. Worst places to smoke?
    Fireworks factory

    I’m going to go with Leon’s propane refilling station. Or anywhere near the phragmites.

  57. Open sore convention.

  58. Kissing booth.

  59. It was really weird , because 17 years ago there already was no smoking in hospitals. She was really stressed. The hospital didn’t have many labor emergency situations. They probably transported usually if they ended up with one.

  60. That’s seriously crazy. Why were you on one-to-one monitoring? Did you have a hemorrhage?

  61. There’s a fundus among us

  62. When I started med school in ’87 the hospital allowed smoking. By the time I left residency in ’97 smokers were relegated to a structure overlooking Lake Quinsigamond affectionately referred to as the “Butt Hut”

  63. Yet another reason to avoid the Placenta Helper

    http://www.sltrib.com/home/5459782-155/story.html

  64. There was smoking on the driver’s counter when I started at the pizza place. And in the kitchen at the old restaurant. In fact, the owner used to smoke while cooking. I was amazed that he didn’t ash in the food.

  65. jeez jimbro, the new breed of hippies is really weird.

    I’ll bet moose wouldn’t even eat it.

    Scratch that, not taking that bet.

  66. Gee I wonder why it became popular:

    It’s taken off in the last decade, touted by some celebrity moms and promoted on the internet.

    If someone mass murdered the Khardassians right now the world would be a better place. Take them out when Jenny McCarthy has a guest spot, and Miley Cyrus is visiting.

  67. LOL

    This is great.

  68. When I first started at my current hospital almost 18 years ago I used to bring my dogs in on rounds every once in a while. The kids liked seeing them and I’d always ask the day before if it was okay. After a while I had to stop when I kept noticing them trying to get in the red buckets with the discarded dressings.

    “Smells like a meat wrapper Jim…why you yanking that leash?”

    Now they’re so tight ass about that stuff I wouldn’t dream of it.

  69. Hahahahaha, from Facedouche:

    Hillary phoned the President’s office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to President Trump, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.

    After some cajoling, the President’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.

    “Supreme Court Judge Ginsburg just died, and I would like to take her place.”, begged Hillary.

    “Well, it’s alright with me, if it’s OK with the funeral home.”, replied President Trump.

  70. Yes. I ended up getting four units of blood, and almost lost my uterus.

  71. Next delivery was a dream. Just one of those things. You know, that used to kill women.

    Pay still gets flashbacks.

  72. The way he tells it, you’d think it as happening to him.

    I was mostly barely conscience.

  73. Uterus wouldn’t contract which is what cuts off the blood vessels. If you can’t get it to , you bleed out, or remove the uterus. I was in the OR. They gave me some super duper shot which finally worked. But they were not sure, thus the cig nurse in my face all night.

  74. I just picked a bumper crop of broccoli. Also I tried kohlrabi, never had it before. Pretty yummy, I added it to my salad.

  75. The retained placenta almost resulted in a D&C, which could have been the end of the uterus for us too.

  76. I think a “your mom” remark would be highly inappropriate right now.

  77. Like to nurse, me, not the baby.

  78. Some little f*cker went down our block bashing mailboxes last night. Took out 8 of them including ours. Mr. B. doesn’t want to report it because he thinks it too much a hassle.
    I’ve been looking at replacing it with a brick one but they’re kind of pricey. $700 – $800

    Few years ago some a-holes went around shooting out car windows. Got ours too. They eventually found the perps.

  79. The header pic of mom at home and mom in public. Totally my mom. People would say how nice my mom was but her head would spin behind closed doors.

  80. Liberal moms tend to be cunts.

  81. No, the old cumguzzler is senile.

  82. Beasn,
    Years ago, I had a mailbox I bought at Home Depot (or Lowe’s?).
    This was no “heavy Duty” sheet metal mailbox, but was made of 3/16 or 1/4 inch rolled steel. Any that hit that thing with a baseball bat would likely break an arm. $75 or so, I think.
    I bought it because the same thing happened on my block.

    (I say ‘had’ because a couple years after I installed it, a city truck came sliding sideways down the street during an ice storm & took out the mailbox, post and most of that flowerbed)

  83. Comment by Hotspur on July 18, 2017 5:41 pm

    Thank you so much for that link, Hotspur. I love Milo.

  84. NPR will heavily edit the interview and make him look like a reincarnated fascist who kidnapped and murdered the Lindbergh baby.

    Hopefully that will get the nutless repubs to defund NEA, PBS, NPR, and the CPB.

  85. The NPR guy interviewing him is Colin McEnroe.
    He’s one of ours.

  86. One can only hope the nutless will somehow grow a pair.

  87. Miley,
    Someone was asking earlier if you twerk.
    I, for one, would like to see video of this…

  88. Would you dickfaces please start talking about booze, women’s boobs, hot ass or hilarious gifs?

    TYIA

  89. Dana Perino. 7/10.

    Would smash in the squeekhole. Twice.

  90. You had to specifically say “women’s boobs?”
    That is a bit disconcerting. Is there a precedent that makes this necessary?

  91. Booze – Mt. Gay Eclipse

    Women’s boobs – Carin’s past

    Hot ass – Mare

    Hilarious gifs – monkey washing cat

    How’d I do?

  92. If we didn’t, some damn fool would bring moobs into it.

  93. http://tinyurl.com/gqnwa4c

  94. For MJ

  95. MJ should go on craigslist and hire a Sherpa.

  96. Mare, I thought of you today. I was waiting at a traffic light, and across the intersection was someone with a Jacksonville State University front license plate that said COCKS.

    Bonus: The acronym for Jacksonville State is sometimes defined as “Just Show Up”. It is not true, however, that you can use your JSU diploma for handicapped parking, but the cop might take pity.

  97. The Jeopardy audition went pretty well. They give you a 50 question written test, and there were only two or three questions where I said to myself, “fucked if I know.” I even got the one about some African capital city right! Then, they had everyone do a short mock game and contestant interviews. I acquitted myself well in both of those, and only said one or two swears. I watched a YouTube video about successful audition strategies yesterday, so I knew the thing where they asked if you wanted to show them your dick was a trick question. “I’ll save that for Mr. Trebek,” I sez, with a wink and a smile.

    Now, I get to wait. If they’re interested, they’ll contact you. And while they do appreciate you sending cash or drugs or audio recordings of you making threatening phone calls to Pat Sajak, they said those things don’t influence their decision. They may contact me sometime in the next 18 months. If they don’t, hey, I get to try the whole thing over again.

    All in all, I had a good time and I think I did pretty well. I’ll let youse guys know if I hear anything else.

  98. I do not. Nor will I do donuts in your front yard in my Mustang.

  99. “I’ll save that for Mr. Trebek,” I sez, with a wink and a smile.

    You mean his mother, Mr. Connery.

    Sounds like a fun time, and I hope they contact you, Sean!

  100. Many moons ago, my girlfriend’s mom gave me $20 to do donuts in the neighbor’s yard.

    They had quite the feud going on.

  101. Moms – what can’t they do?

  102. Rocketboy turns 21 tomorrow. He and Mr. RFH are making plans to hit a bar so he can buy his dad a beer. At least it’s *a* beer and not that stupid 21 game that was Darwin in action for a while.

  103. Nor will I do donuts in your front yard in my Mustang

    Heh. :)
    One of these days I’m going to convince you to open that mustang up.

  104. Gross

  105. That’s so cool. Roamy. I hope they have fun.

  106. So Hooters.

  107. Hooters is overrated, but better than Mooters, I guess.

  108. Nah, they are going to a cool little hole in the wall that offers 200 different beers. Cuffy and Mrs. Cuffy met us there once.

  109. Just now Alex Trebec pronounced Gauguin in his French superiority assey way and I thought of Sean throat punching him during the commercial break….and I smiled.

  110. High fives Roamy

  111. “…better than mooters…”

    Hahhhhaahhaaa

  112. How’d I do?

    —–

    Excellently

  113. Holy moly – long day in mass hole 2 shits

  114. 1 down 1 to go

  115. Ya ever notice how smug our canuckian consorts can be….?
    Tribeck is a dick – butt geopardy is kinda fun

  116. Sean kickn’ ass H2 style is gonna be teh Awesome!

  117. WTF language is Jam speaking?

  118. Happy 21st to Rocketboy. I guess now he’s gonna be Rocketman.

    A Rocket man.

    Burnin’ out his fuse up here alone.

    /obvious

  119. Sean, with your thumbs and your intellect, Jeopardy would be lucky to have you.

  120. Clint!! What movies should I pay to see in a theater?? We are simpatico in movie choices.

  121. Grrrrrr I thought my devices had finally synced. WP is being a 💩. Wicked Pinto married T

  122. Happy Birthday, RocketMAN!

  123. Thanks for the shark link CoAlEx. One of my sharks was illegally harvested in the Gulf. RIP Einstein

  124. MJ, there are tricks to changing boy diapers. Always have the new diaper in place above parts, before removing old diaper. No Fontanelle. IYKWIMAITTYD #AdventuresInBabysitting

  125. Mare! Dunkirk and Apes! Spider-Man

  126. Owning not so late night comments.

  127. I need to have Dan sync all my devices. Guy at work asked if I was a drug dealer. Using 2 iPhones for social media. I should go hardcore and take my iPad.

  128. Cousin is now at Quantico. We started looking at NoVa/DC Autumn vacay with no lodging…family. Blah blah still less expensive to go to Big Island. Aloha Mare!!!

  129. #NeverTrumpers and #DRats (BIRM) hope that Kid Rock is a publicity stunt and not a pissed off #MAGA

  130. He said yesterday, that he has 15 days to file with FEC. Seems real to me.

  131. San Francisco started reclassifying crimes in order to be DOJ/Sanctuary City compliant. SF has lowest felony crime rate. My DA cousin missed 3 days of camping. He was in SF studying their low felony rate. I was like WTFF? In the meantime, property owners continue to lose coverage in the Duke City

  132. Family camping trip had over 20 kids under 10. Dan was asked to cut Barbie’s hair by 3 different kids. We had a room at a local “Resort”. No wifi. No phone. At least we had a bed and a box fan. Lots of chipmunks. We said we needed a “Nap”. Went back to camp. Oso tagged with “Nap” euphemism. Had Nap Queen tee. FTW!

  133. A few weeks ago at work, I imagined a terror attack at Balloon Fiesta Park during the Balloon Fiesta. I freaked a bunch of people out. Waiting for FBI visit any day now. Waiting

  134. I sneaked a DAC DVD into the camping playlist. DACs biggest hit was written by Steve Goodman. You never even called me by my name

  135. I was forced into Vaguebooking. Brew is still in recovery

  136. I couldn’t comment here. Vague booked about Angel bearded guy. Window licking paste eaters made my “Good luck, Sean” into a thread about trannies and adult male circumcision. I love you fucking guys

  137. Add Robert Crais to your Ben Coes. 2nd season of Shooter tonight. Dan is waiting so I can watch with❤️

  138. #NeverTrumpers and #DRats (BIRM)

    ahem

  139. Don’t be derp, don’t be funny now
    It’s later than you think
    Oh what’s the use, save your money now
    It’s hanging on the brink


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