Worst Secret Santa Gifts Evah

We’re entering one of the most wonderful times of the year in a Hostage’s life: Secreting Santa Time! In addition to the thrill of giving we also get the pleasure of receiving (SYWM). First, a little Christmas music to set the mood.

The only fruitcake I like is made from my Irish grandmother’s recipe (sort of like this one: http://www.dochara.com/the-irish/irish-christmas/traditional-irish-christmas-cake/ ) which she probably copied from a magazine or cookbook somewhere. It’s a production involving wax paper, a tube pan and wrapping the pan with brown paper secured with twine. And that’s just the pan!

Fruitcake of the Month Club

Vintage teapot/chamber pot

Figurine you really can’t display anywhere

Tasteless mugs!

Bathroom set to show your love for St. Nick

And, since it’s Thursday, this little number

I’m sure I left a few out. How about you guys? Any awesome SS gifts you can think of to boldly gift where no Hostage has gifted before?

118 Comments

  1. wakey wakey.

  2. I ordered a new backpack from Amazon, they shipped it to my address in Ohio. Where I lived 2 years ago. So nice of them to keep the old info for so long.

    My bad.

    What do I do now?

  3. Good morning. Nice big bank of fog over the swamp this am. Looks nifty through the trees.

  4. Call customer service. They can send the carrier back to retrieve it and reroute it. It takes a few days.

    The people living there now, have a choice: be a dirtbag, or be a standup guy. You really never know what they’re going to do with a wrong-person package. Sometimes they will call the carrier themselves and make them take it back. Other times they will just set it somewhere in their home and wait for somebody to come and fix it. It’s not a priority for them, either way.

    Although I will say that in this situation, if it’s a sketchy neighborhood, I NEVER got the stuff back for my customer.

    If the item is not recoverable for one reason or another (dirtbags), Amazon can either say that it’s not their fault you gave them the wrong address (you really should remove the old addies in their system so that you can’t accidentally do this), or they will take the hit and send you a new item.

    It is unlikely that they will try to file a claim with the carrier, because the carrier did what they were told to do.

  5. If the people decide to lie and tell the carrier they don’t have it, and keep the merchandise, and Amazon doesn’t take the hit, you should call your old neighbors, tell them about the situation, and ask them very politely to go shit on the new people’s lawn.

  6. Carin, I had a recent patient complaint that took me by surprise. It was on a kid I inherited from a surgeon who worked at our place for a good 10 years. He was recently let go from here for a combination of his big mouth and low productivity. It’s a long story and I can’t give all the details but it was something that only peripherally involved me. I’ve monitored the growth of his legs for years and done 3 or 4 procedures to get the leg lengths as close as possible. He had a device in the leg (placed by the other surgeon) that required revision to a definitive prosthesis. After the other surgeon left I took the initiative to refer him to a guy in Boston to do the definitive revision. At the time of surgery the original device was broken and there was so called metallosis (degradation of metallic implants that shed small metallic particles). She was mad at me, the guy who did not put the implant in, the guy who monitored growth for years and saw them back at the drop of a hat for various non events for years. Unlike a restaurant complaint that involves customer, manager and server this involves several people on staff who have their full time jobs dealing with this shit. I’ve had to discuss it at a meeting with my peers, answer several emailed questions and still need to see the patient with a smile on my face.

    tl/dr: people fucking suck

  7. Eh, some people suck. I get great joy from seeing most of the kids in my office. If I didn’t I’d be doing something else by now. Shit like this just sucks the fun out of work and makes it a chore. I can give you at least 10 happy stories from my work off the top of my head from just this week.

  8. All of the big box stores have 100% customer satisfaction goals.

    People are leaning that everything is free if you throw a hissy fit.

    It’s going to get worse.

  9. I saw 2 brothers back yesterday who have an inherited skeletal dysplasia. They’re young adults in their early 20’s and I’ve watched them for years. Between them they’ve had 2 spinal fusions, 3 total hip replacements and waiting on #4 hip. They moved to a southern state for about 5 years so I only did one of their spines. I referred them to a guy in my community who does total hips and he caught me one day to tell me he really enjoyed meeting the kid and his card tricks. I was all like “Wut?” When they were in the office yesterday I found a deck of cards and we were all amazed at his sleight of hand tricks. We were in the room for 20 minutes and 15 was watching him do card tricks.

  10. My favorite

    “I bought a snowblower here two years ago and now it has a flat tire.
    What are you going to do about it?”

    They offered to repair it for free.
    – Nope. He bitched about having to come back.

    They offered a free tire.
    – Nope. He shouldn’t have to do all that work.

    They ended up taking an entire wheel off of a display snowblower and giving it to him.

  11. Bitch on twitter about any #chainrestaurant and you’ll get a free meal.

  12. I think they wanted a free meal. Manager told them they could request a different server next time. This is a win/win.

  13. Basically is like to call them liars to their face.

  14. I’m sitting in a gown waiting for a doctor. This is always fun.

  15. I hope it’s a cloth gown. Some places have paper gowns.

  16. We keep gray gym shorts for the kids who arrive for a knee exam wearing skinny jeans.

  17. Pics or it didn’t happen. Make sure to get a back view.

  18. Cloth. And closure in the front for women/boobie check.

  19. Nice dot Indian doc. Resident from where my daughter goes to school.

  20. Gotta go commando with skinny jeans?

  21. Really bored here guys. Time to step up.

  22. 9 times out of 10 it’s an adolescent girl with knee pain. Even with a gown on during a proper knee exam (hip, knee, leg, ankle) you may as well be in your underwear because those gowns don’t cover much. Shorts preserve modesty better and let the exam happen much more efficiently.

  23. Is Carin finally getting that boob job she’s been talking about?

  24. Chris linked this last night

    http://fredoneverything.org/diversity-a-civilizational-nightmare/

    Good one

  25. https://is.gd/NJ21n1

  26. Drudge headline: Bitch Ex-wife May Jump Networks

    Bye sugartits. I haven’t watched you in years.

  27. Would be a good move for Rupert, save him some dough, and some viewers. Libs won’t watch Fox anyway, might as well keep existing customers.

  28. Sounds like Tucker Carlson has a show to replace hers. Or maybe Gutfeld gets moved?

  29. I demand a recount.

  30. The Customer Is Always Full Of Shit And Frequently A Right Loony

    (Cavil’s Rule of Customer Service)

  31. Carin’s dot Indian doc:

  32. Man, it’s one of those weeks when everything goes to hell. Really hoping it will turn around soon.

  33. Secrete Satan (SWIDT?) gift done! That website made it unnecessarily hard to ship to another address.

  34. Good luck with that! If you have any extra luck turn up, send it over here!

  35. Car in’s eye doctor is thorough.

  36. I’ve been here all day but haven’t had much to say.

  37. Slow news day

  38. it’s that type of day.

  39. two newfies at my feet.

  40. They’re snuggled up.

  41. Chinese war strategist Sun Tzu said that a successful General does not go to war and then win it. He first wins the war, and only then starts it.
    Trump will start the war on Jan 20, but he is already winning.

    I love Canada and Canadians, and this is a wakeup call they need.

  42. Wow. That was refreshing, Tushar.

  43. Tushar, that video is delicious like sweet honey for my angry little capitalism-loving insect brain. Look how competition wakes people up and makes them poop their panties. Love it.

  44. I like the mug that says, “kick today in the dick!”

  45. I don’t think Justin Trudeau wears nice girl panties that provide proper coverage. I am sure he wears those frilly thongs that leave the buttocks bare and has a crotch area that is too narrow and too transparent.

  46. That was a great video, Tushar. O’Leary is smart.

  47. That video was from the same week as the election too. The poppies are from Canada’s Remembrance Day (11/11/16).

  48. I didn’t think to look for a “Grab Today By The Pussy” mug.

    If I looked there’s a lot out there though.

  49. Rush played an audio of Obama yammering about how you can say you’re going to keep companies in the US but you can’t. He sounds truly moronic and exactly like the ineffectual mouse he is.

  50. There has been a distinct lack of poon kicking around here.

  51. Well I’ve got my secret santa gift idea.

  52. Still no idea what I’m going to do for Sekret Satan. If everyone throws out an idea about what they’d like, that would be nice.

  53. Obama – the guy who believes that health insurance can be a command economy – thinks you can’t keep companies in the US.

  54. If everyone throws out an idea about what they’d like, that would be nice.

    A CGC 9.0 or above Amazing Fantasy #15 would be awesome

  55. Still no idea what I’m going to do for Sekret Satan. If everyone throws out an idea about what they’d like, that would be nice*********

    A nice boyfriend for my daughter.

    She’s going out again this weekend as a third -or fifth- wheel.

  56. Car in,

    I might have someone. He has a motorcycle, a part-time job, and a part-time heroin addiction. Plus, his neck tattoos can’t really be seen when he wears a shirt and tie.

  57. Cracker has an idea for ya, Car in

  58. You could try craigslist.

  59. All y’all will enjoy this video. Tucker Carlson used the phrase ‘thong sniffing’

    https://is.gd/eVDYX9

  60. Every day, I like Tucker Carlson a bit more.

  61. He has shown that he has the rare level of humility necessary to publicly learn that he was wrong about some things. Like bow ties.

  62. Leon, very few people can look not totally douchy in a bow tie. TUcker is one of them. But yeah, tie is better.

  63. Woman who drives Subaru having problem finding her daughter a man. Hmmm

  64. Aaaaand, PG is BACK with a BOOM!

  65. Gonna grill some brats for dinner.

  66. Heh, Mattis for Sec Def.

  67. I’m glad many of you are onboard with the douche—-bow tie correlation.

  68. I think mare just named her SS gift.

  69. The Gen Mattis pick is exceptional news. I’m loving President Elect, Donald Trump’s cabinet picks.

  70. I like how he’s holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

  71. Hope I didn’t jump the gun (heh).

  72. Jay, not to mention the holy combat knife of stabbing and dismemberment.

  73. I like Tucker, but I wish he’d cut his hair.

  74. I’d think you guys would be more sympathetic for the nice-guy dating situation.

    I’m trying not to raise on of “those girls”.

    huffs off

    (to go work out)

  75. Wow, Mattis. Epic choice. Hopefully he can clean out some of the political dead wood. Pretty sure the troops will be behind him. :)

  76. Carin, if your kid is just 17, I see no reason why she MUST have a boyfriend right now. If you are afraid she will ignore the nice guy and go for a douche, it is a valid concern.
    But having a boyfriend just because her friends have boyfriends is not a good enough reason.

    I didn’t have a boyfriend at 17, and I turned out just fine.

  77. Yes, it is not that I feel she must date because her friends do. It’s that I fear she’s ignoring a nice guy then in comes the douche.

    that is exactly what I’m irritated by. Until this event, I really didn’t much at all think about her dating.

  78. I don’t know who is advising Trump, however, we’ve been told he makes his own decisions. If this is true, he’s a lot more conservative than advertised. Or he’s “evolving”. Or whatever.

  79. https://is.gd/VkO7ZZ

    ah..ha ha …hahaha….ah, hahaha ha ha

    BWAAAAA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

  80. Realization finally dawns on Lena Dunham.

    http://heatst.com/culture-wars/lena-dunham-drunken-rant/

  81. ah..ha ha …hahaha….ah, hahaha ha ha

    Remember 8 years ago? This is what it was like, when Bush spoke.

    I’d almost forgotten.

  82. Oh, Trump is going to make them crazy in ways Bush never did. Us too, probably.

    Strap in and hold on.

  83. >>Strap in and hold on.

    I am a bit dyslexic. This comment startled me.

  84. I love Trump trolling the MFM, the Left, and the Never Trumpers.

  85. A reminder, Lena Dunham who is morally, physically and emotionally gross is the person whom the Obama’s chose to mentor their daughter at 16. On a show that was thinly veiled porn about skanks in New York. Well done, Michelle. You’re a pig.

  86. #TRIGGERED

  87. Was in a meeting that was way too long with some really unattractive people. I mean, you expect an average crowd to be average in looks, but there was nowhere to look without seeing some pitiful-looking people. I couldn’t decide who was the worst. The Chelsea Clinton lookalike (darker hair) that had the “I smell a fart” look on her face the entire time. The guy whose face looked like a bad Photoshop. The lady who looked like an ostrich. The guy with long stringy hair that looked like he hadn’t bathed in months. Wearing an Ares shirt to an SLS meeting was a little more snark than was called for. And that was just the bottom 4. Whew.

  88. >>Strap in and hold on.
    I am a bit dyslexic. This comment startled me.

    You don’t have to really worry unless she says “get your feet set”.

    Speaking of which, tomorrows model is going to kick all the ass available with some ass to spare.

    One of the pics is a full size gif with 75% areola display, so please size your windows and arrange your emergency click-over tabs accordingly.

    Pup out.

  89. I have no idea what many of the people in my meetings look like.

  90. Oh, and I know I need a haircut.

    Told one of my co-workers, and he started singing, “I Feel Pretty.” Which always reminds me of John Edwards, who lost just like Al Gore and Hillary Clinton, so that made me very happy.

  91. Memory Lane

  92. Can’t see Pence doing that.

  93. Can’t see any democrat ever doing that.

  94. Mad Dog Mattis killed 10 terrorists with a grenade.

    And then he pulled the pin.

  95. Evening Hostages.

    Today was a good day. The daughter of longtime friends from church had her 6th back surgery in the last 4 years. The first implanted all kinds of steel rods and such to help straighten her spine. Every 6 months or so after, they would go back in and extend the rods to keep up with her growth. This morning they went in, removed those rods and put new ones in.

    She came through it like a champ. Toughest fucking kid, hell, person, I’ve ever met. Most of the time, after the “smaller” surgeries to extend the rods, she refused any pain meds beyond tylenol.

    The really good news, they won’t have to do a “big” surgery like this again. They won’t have to replace the hardware again.

  96. That’s wonderful Bcoch! It’s so troubling when kids have to go through so much just to grow up.

  97. This was her 6th back surgery and about 6 months before the first back surgery, she had major, potentially life threatening, heart surgery.

    Her hardcore little self was back at church two weeks after the surgery.

  98. That Christmas story – is there a better name for a warrior than General Krulak? Sounds like a direct descendant of Atilla himself.

  99. Awesome strength and faith, Bcoch.

  100. Evening.

  101. I’m exhausted. I’ve had to deal with Big Daddy all week. He’s the owner of the plant, and he’s a hyper-critical condescending douchebag.

    Boyfriend found out I’m a furnace. He throws blankets on me and smooshes himself against me until I wake up in a puddle of sweat and escape to the couch.

    I need some Ambien and a very large cup of booze.

  102. Hoo boy.

    I can’t wait for some asshole name Dylan or Bryson or Kaitlyn to ask Mad Dog Mattis a question about his leadership style and how it might trigger a transgendered enlisted person. Is he creating an inclusive environment?

  103. Boyfriend found out I’m a furnace. He throws blankets on me and smooshes himself against me until I wake up in a puddle of sweat and escape to the couch.

    Well, that’s just damn rude! You never pile extra blankies on the furnace-man. The proper form is to just press your ice-cold feet against his calves and suck up his excess heat that way.

  104. Boyfriend found out I’m a furnace. He throws blankets on me and smooshes himself against me until I wake up in a puddle of sweat and escape to the couch.

    Is he trying to get shoved out of the bed and on to the floor? Because this is how you get shoved out of the bed and on to the floor.

  105. Amazon refunded my money. I told them what happened and they are very sorry.

    What a country. Also my snow-blower has a flat tire.

  106. Still no idea what I’m going to do for Sekret Satan. If everyone throws out an idea about what they’d like, that would be nice

    A cool Christmas ornament. (My bacon ornament is front and center.)
    Something unique for your part of the country. Mesa gave me Texas spice rubs, and they were awesome.
    Chocolate.

  107. I’m Jewstin??? I’m the furnace. I open windows and sleep on the couch in the cooler months so the bebes can burrow and sleep with blankets and space heaters. Blah blah blah icicles that hang from open windows prove Dan is right and I am wrong. Fastest way to get me out of bed/couch is closing windows and turning up the heat

  108. Those expandable rods are some cool shit BCoch. Their frequency is low enough we refer ours to Boston. I think it’s been 2-3 in the last ten years. I’ve read about an experimental version that will lengthen externally which sounds nicer.

    I took prominent hardware out of a young adult that was managed with VEPTR devices while she was growing. She has VACTERL association and is a nice kid who endured a lot of what your daughter’s friend did and came out alright.

  109. She has VACTERL association and is a nice kid who endured a lot of what your daughter’s friend did and came out alright.

    Glad to hear. Little girl has had multiple physical issues that I don’t even begin to know the name of.

    Her spine was….twisted I guess is the best way to describe it. Her upper body had this barrel-shaped look to it. The twisting of her spine obv caused things to be shaped very oddly. It pushed in on her heart, so that it was shaped oddly and had some kind of serious deformity that they had to go in and fix.

    She’s just blown through everything. Tough as damn nails.

  110. The kid (young woman really, but I’m so old they’re kids to me) has really supportive parents. They’re from the County with a classic sort of French-Canadian/Maine accent. Nice family.

  111. Still no idea what I’m going to do for Sekret Satan. If everyone throws out an idea about what they’d like, that would be nice

    Sometimes people have wishlist on places like Amazon, Target, Home Depot, etc.

    Or search their social media profile(s), and maybe contact a family member to see if they have any suggestions (yes, I have done this, and it works – just be disarmingly charming, and most people will be willing to help out).

  112. Out dancing tonight. The cute brunette sculptor has a boyfriend, apparently. At least the dancing is fun.

  113. The blues room just opened up. There’s a girl in a plaid skirt making out with her dweeb boyfriend on the dance floor.


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