Have a Seat Right There Mrs Clinton


I have a confession to make. I’ve been carrying this burden for so long that just the thought of reliving it makes me very, very anxious. My heart is racing as I reach back, 25 years ago to a dark and gloomy night in Chicago. I’m not sure I can do this, but I need to find my voice so that I can be strong, and so that others don’t suffer my fate.

Let me take you back to the fateful night when I was just a 16 year old boy, excited and in awe of being chosen as the representative from South Dakota in the Ms Universe competition. It was 1993. Miley Cyrus had just burst onto the scene as a pop singer and the big hit tv show of the summer was Game of Thrones. It was a great time to be a teenage girl. I was loving my life and incredibly excited for what lay ahead.

But that dream was ruined as hope and joy turned to ashes. I was on the road to finding my voice as a young man when it was abruptly and severely taken from me.

At the Ms Universe pageant, Hillary Clinton fondled me.

It happened as I was changing for the swimwear part of the competition. I was alone in the dressing room, surrounded by hairdressers, make-up artists, and wardrobe specialists. I felt the room grow cold, and I remember it specifically because my favorite song was playing over the speakers; Rhianna’s heartbreaking ballad ‘Stay.’ I turned to walk onto the stage and she was just there. I don’t know how to explain it other than she just appeared as if dropped from the sky in front of me.

I immediately broke into a huge smile because I’m a huge girl power fan. Hillary Clinton smiled back, and I will never forget this, she shifted her dentures as older people tend to do. A broad smile broke over her face as she started to explain how important she is. How she’s famous and powerful. How she can make all of my dreams come true. I instinctively knew something was wrong noticing that the smile never really touched her eyes and tentatively reached out to shake her hand. As I did, she closed the distance and was suddenly reaching into my bikini top, fondling my breasts. I pulled back in horror, wondering how someone I admired so much could violate a young boy. I was scared, cold, and alone.

I didn’t think to run because of the fear coursing through me. Eventually she was back on me, letting her hands roam all over my body. I froze, which often happens to rape victims that are in no way making up anything that happened to them. With the lightening speed of a 67 year old, she ripped off my bottoms and touched my mangina inappropriately, whispering, ‘stay’ in my ear.

I relive the horror of that day, everyday, that is considered a day. It haunts me.

I haven’t spoken about this because of the pain, both literal, spiritual, and mental. The scars have prevented me from brining light to this dark, dark memory, although three weeks before a presidential election seemed as good as any. Please don’t vote for Mrs Clinton and if you have questions, please contact me at Donald Trump’s campaign office, although that’s purely a coincidence.

Mrs Clinton, I gave no consent. I. Gave. No. Consent.










  1. I didn’t need to read this. I really didn’t need these images in my head.

    I’m going to gargle bleach now.

  2. You should call Fox News.

  3. Thank you for your courage, MJ. I thought I was the only one who had been assaulted.

    I don’t feel alone, anymore.

  4. The lady that called Trump an octopus works for the Clinton Foundation.

    Quite the coincidence.

  5. That didn’t read like a 10K story. I didn’t even notice any lyrics.

  6. I had to come out as a victim. For the children.

  7. * Car in looks over her shoulder *

    squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak

  8. http://tinyurl.com/zqo7jm7

  9. We attempted to early vote today. Annex is downtown and every non-panhandling homeless camper was in line to vote. Line looked really stinky and there was no parking. I guess we’ll vote after we get back from Oahu.

  10. Homeless people voting early? I bet that is 100% voter fraud.

  11. The illegals usually vote on election day. Thanks Motor Voter.

  12. I’d say I’m scarred for life, but no one would believe that shit.

  13. They have a zombie run up here

  14. MJ deserves to be believed.

  15. I suppose it’s prolly why he’s turned to muppets.

  16. Puh-lease. MJ asked for it. He didn’t even develop an eating disorder or engage in risky sexual behav….and nevermind.

  17. Felt fetish after Hillary felt him up

  18. Muppet Show: Behind the Scenes.

  19. SNL actually had a funny with the Fat Albert VH1 behind the scenes.

  20. I think my desires are normal. Muppet love is a natural reaction to the horrors I’ve faced.

    *barfs after binge eating

  21. I was a puker. Roomie was addicted to diuretics. Puking way moar bettah than pooping. It was the 80s. What we did.

  22. Ballet still ruled the dance world in the 80s. Her dance profs were supplying her and coercing the eating disorder. Male wrestlers were pukers/diuritics too. We’d trade weight loss tips

  23. Pooping is always better than puking. Unless you’ve been eating chiles for the past two days.

  24. Does anyone remember when CBS tried to torpedo bush with a 1978 document typed in MS Office?

    Me neither.

  25. It didn’t matter that it was a fake, it was the truth.

  26. Pete Rose is effing funny. Go Nats

  27. Truthy.

  28. Gnats.

  29. Gnats. Wore my W shirt the other day

  30. *catches up on the day*
    I want to work out at Alex’s gym, just once.

    And Carine should get her cult fees refunded.

  31. **Nominates MJ for Nobel prize for literature

    Uhhh……MJ, looks like you’re gonna have to set this story to a bluesy type tune. I’d recommend D flat Minor and a 6/4 time signature, but it’s your baby.

    Fix that and I’ll resubmit my nomination.

  32. I am on one of my longest p0rn-free streaks in a very long time, saw a few very nice ladies today and my gaze lingered a bit too long. Like, leering long.

    MJ’s tale of obviously true sexual assault by a rich and powerful misogynist has brought me back to my senses and helped me stay clean today.

  33. Picked up Boy2’s first car today, I kinda pushed him into the deal because I wanted it. 1993 Mitsubishi 3000gt VR4.

    Kinda looks like this one: https://is.gd/eo2UaA

    Practical and stylish.

  34. Seriously, do you remember the fake National Guard story. It was built up for weeks.

    They had a person that remembered typing the document 30 years prior. She gave countless interviews. It only fell through because the fabricator used a font that didn’t exist.

    They’ve gotten better, but it’s still fake.

    I feel like a crazy person but this is actually happening.

    Narrative, fake stories, confirmation bias.

  35. *nominates MJ for a grammy*

  36. Truthy

  37. MJ has the little green footballs…🎶🎶🎶

  38. i can’t believe it’s been over a decade…. some of the dumbshit that we yukked it up over seems like yesterday


  39. Sweet ride Pupster. We got a Kia as a family car that he’ll get when he moves out in a couple of years. My younger one has his eyes on my 07 Tacoma. 3 more years.

  40. Hey Jimbroni, how’s the tooth?

  41. “They had a person that remembered typing the document 30 years prior. She gave countless interviews. It only fell through because the fabricator used a font that didn’t exist. ”

    mj, if that happens now they’d spin it as her being incredibly forward thinking, super intelligent, beyond the ken of the masses, irreproachable, a true paragon of virtue, I can’t believe that you are questioning her – there are children’s lives at stake!
    WTF is wrong with you!!! Why do you hate women so much? You’re probably a Climate Change™ Denier…

    You need to check your white privilege.

  42. Manbearpig has been accused by two more massage chicas. But TRUMP!!!!

  43. My mouth is still sore but it’s a better, more tolerable pain. Toradol and Tylenol on board. I’m dozing off now since I got minimal sleep last night. I had 3 cases tomorrow but rescheduled the first (elective) one till next week when I’m feeling better. The other two are short and really can’t wait. My partner is on vacation this week so I can’t pawn them off.

  44. Goodnight pussy grabbers

  45. Prayers for Jimbro.

  46. *waves with other hand*

  47. Prayers for Jimbro’s patients!

  48. He’s gonna amputate everything.

  49. Speaking of tooth butchers, mine called this afternoon.
    Seems the lab that is to fabricate my permanent #13-#15 bridge does not like the impression the dentist sent. I have to go in at 1500 on Monday to have them break the temp-bridge off and get another impression, then re-attach the temp-bridge, if they don’t break it during removal…
    (They will.)

  50. Pupster, I’d love to have that car…

  51. I’m bouncing between football, baseball, and hockey! I love October

  52. Pumpkin pie ice cream

  53. throwing the worst darts ever!

  54. I hit a lady in a bar with a dart once. Call me when you stick a senior citizen.

  55. I prefer shuffleboard

  56. Evening.

  57. I’m bouncing between football, baseball, and hockey! I love October

    I’m bouncing between your mom, your sister, and your aunt! I love October.

  58. Howdy, Jew

  59. Just had yummy pumpkin pie ice cream. I can feel the sugar raising my blood glucose. Falling asleep as I type. G’night

  60. I should have gone home today, but there were no flights I could catch in time after the 7 hour commercial with a free lunch that I couldn’t eat. Stuck in the hotel and hanging out with my least favorite mistress, Insomnia.

    She crawls into bed with me often enough at home, but the bitch is insatiable when I’m on travel.

  61. I recommend that you masturbate furiously.

  62. Nofap4life, brah.

  63. Well, to the best of my ability, anyhow.

  64. It seems like I always crack just as I’m on the verge of gaining super powers.

  65. I killed my boss with the Gradall. He got better.

    Foreman: *standing between the forks and the core* PULL THE CORE!! PULL IT!!

    Me: *extending the forks*


    Me: *Gas, gas, gas. Clobbers Foreman* Oops.


  66. Didn’t a Clinton’s nobody say something about waving a $100 and a trailer park?

    Standard Clinton move.

    This is the best story George S. can get with his butt loads of cash offer? Maybe I can do better, how much is he offering?

  67. What if you called your wife and had her talk dirty to you?

    In other news, yoga this evening. When the instructor started in on e psuedo-oriental spiritual bullshit at the end I just closed my eyes and said a couple of prayers. I figure that makes more exercise and less heathen sex-cult.

  68. Jew,
    Driving other peoples power equipment for money is fun. Best of luck at your new job. Try not to wreck right away. Give it a day or two before you hit a non employee.

  69. Oh I thought buttload was one word but wordpress thinks it is 2, who am I to argue?

  70. I love football, but a bunch of games have sucked this year. Just bad football, quarterbacks missing open receivers, fumbles, missed defensive assignments, sheesh. I used to watch anything, even “double directional state” games, not so much this year.

  71. She is already asleep, I hope.

  72. dead

  73. Really dead

  74. Timing is everything.

  75. I knew PG would kill it, how it going PG?

  76. I have some time off at Christmas, anything worth seeing out your way?
    I have heard that the big bend is picturesque but empty, and Billy Gibbons sings about Predras Negras. I would however rather explore Corpus.
    I did however have the best chili dog I ever ate in El Paso.
    Just sayin’

  77. I don’t think there’s any thing worth driving out here to look at but then again, I’ve lived out here since 94. The desert doesn’t thrill me any more.

  78. wow, another thrilling game! Kershaw in for the save!

  79. Still don’t understand why you guys dont like baseball, especially this time of year.

  80. I looked at a car yesterday PG, and ran the title, the buddy looking over my shoulder saw Odessa and said “Oil Patch” I said “Huh?” He explained that guys “out there” bought a lot of “stuff” with all the cash they had and didn’t use it, so it was a good thing. The car was a year old and had 5,000 miles on it.

    The desert isn’t humid is it?
    JK! Gotta be better than Houston, well except from November to April.

  81. Dusty fails again. On to Chicago, Dodger nation!

  82. Guys buy expensive toys when oil is up and overtime is plentiful. They get that shit repod when times get tough. Prolly what you’re looking at. A little hotter than Houston but much more pleasant because of th lack of humidity. Southeast tx is lovely in the winter and early spring. Miserable the rest of the year.

  83. Thanks PG
    Next time you get to the energy corridor let me know, I am buying.

  84. Double entendres–risqué puns.

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