Super Bowl Preview (and also probably Super Bowl Poat, because you’re a bunch of lazy assholes)

It’s that time of year again, where the air is buzzing with excitement, everyone is talking about their favorite players, and there are parties galore! I am speaking, of course, of Black History Month.

But the Super Bowl is also coming up or some junk, so we should probably talk about that, too…

The Teams

1. The Denver Broncos: Formed in 1960 as the Telluride Range Rovers, the team would move to Denver three years later. Then, in 1970, they would change their name to the Broncos as a nod to the vehicle favored by their star quarterback, O.J. Simpson. Little is known about the team in subsequent years because most of the records were destroyed in a mysterious stadium fire, but pop culture references from the time suggest that their level of play was disappointing:

But after years of suffering, the Broncos, led by superstar quarterback Elway John won back-to-back Super Bowls in the late 90’s.

Little is known about the team in subsequent years (again) because they kinda sucked, and who the hell cares, but with the arrival of former Indianapolis Colt 45s quarterback Eli “Peyote” Manning, they once again became a force to be reckoned with in the AFC.

peyote8
Manning got his nickname in college by being high as a fucking kite during every game

2. The Carolina Panthers: The Panthers are a team that is shrouded in mystery. For one thing, nobody is sure which state they play in–North or South Carolina. This is done deliberately, to keep their opponents off balance.

blindfolded-fatah-f_785264c
The Seattle Seahawks arrive for a recent game, blindfolded and under armed guard

The team began play in 1941 as the Dixieland All-White Snow Leopards, but after most of their players were pressed into service during World War II, a subsequent season was delayed until 1995, for some reason. Some have suggested that the delay was due to the site originally chosen for the team’s stadium resting on an Indian burial ground, but most experts have dismissed this theory.

At any rate, the team was mostly overshadowed by the popularity of the NBA’s Duke Blue Devils, but with the arrival of superstar quarterback Cam Newton, the team was well-nigh unbeatable this season, losing only a single game to their hated rivals, The Atlanta Falcons.

newton
Cam Newton, wearing the Isaac Newton costume that won him 1st place in a cosplay contest at 2012’s ComiCon

Carolina has one of the best offenses in the game, combining a great passing game with incredible speed, so they will be a tough match even for Denver’s vaunted defense

So, Who’s Going To Win The Fucking Game, You Asshole?

First of all, rude.  Secondly, as you may have noticed if you’ve been paying attention to this, I know next to nothing about the NFL, so I’m probably not the right guy to ask. But a friend of mine knew this girl who used to bet on games and she did pretty well despite not knowing her shit, and he asked her what her secret was. She told him that if she really didn’t know anything about the teams, she would just pick whichever one had a mascot that could fly, and she won more often than not that way. So uhhhhhh…

e9b60baa7e90091df3961cc0f94de9f0flying_panther_logo__alone__favicon_by_goffdesigns-d83lcut

153 Comments

  1. Well, this is a thing, I guess.

  2. I won’t be watching.

  3. I’m not going to watch the game because I’m going to see beasnette.

  4. I am taking Possum to a church thing solo. It will be our first outing without her mother.

  5. Crusoe the Celebrity Dachshund will be live tweeting for Heinz during the game!!!

  6. That will be over well before the game, I think, but I still won’t watch. No cable.

  7. whats a super bowl?

  8. Is anyone watching this debate?

    The Governors are doing well.

  9. Heathens, football is important.

  10. I just listened to some old Maurice White tunes and due to my scientific research, I believe that I could design an entire dance workout around the EW&F discography.

  11. How’s “Please Clap” doing?

  12. I’m only in it for the wings

    http://is.gd/T2F0Up

  13. http://tinyurl.com/hwfcayu

  14. Jeb! is having a good night, but not good enough.

    Christie is going to be the big winner.

  15. …or a salad

  16. I am taking Possum to a church thing solo. It will be our first outing without her mother.

    Everything is gonna be totally perfect.

  17. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

  18. Bedtime. I also get our paczkis tomorrow.

  19. Bone sore.

  20. BTW, laura, do you know anything about one of my tires blowing out on the way home from work last night?

  21. Governors doing well, but I still H8 Kasich.

  22. No, I do not, Sean. That’s damn sloppy work and I run a tight ship. Hope this makes you feel better.

  23. I know. When poison gas comes out of the air vents or the airbag suddenly deploys for no reason and it’s full of cobras, I know that’s your handiwork. But I know you’re busy, and sometimes even the best of us take a shortcut here or there.

  24. beasn i’m with you re: hair turban – the right to ownership of property is a corner stone of freedom; without it we are slaves

  25. Evening Hostages. Another Daddy/Daughter Ball wrapped up. And no blood this year!

  26. I just watched a stripper do a routine as the evil queen from Snow White.

  27. Go on…

  28. I’m annoyed that I missed the Disney show back in October.

  29. Now they’ve got a girl on stage as the chef from The Little Mermaid.

  30. Finally got through to the Rentals.com people, I think they got it cleared up.

    Eventually government will come up against people who won’t take the property confiscation lying down.

  31. Bcoch, loved the tiaras. Your girls are lovely.

  32. Thanks, oso!

  33. Did anybody realize they were going to have to abandon the documentary they were making on anybody else after finding out that their credentials were all forged and their medicine cabinet was full of anti-psychotics?

  34. Just watched this om PBS. It was really good. I’m gonna have to see if I can find the original movie he made about his brother.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3676596/

  35. I just watched a stripper do a routine as the evil queen from Snow White.

    Dammit I keep telling my mother it’s time to retire.

  36. Your mom has nice tits.

  37. I will probably need a nap while this overblown sporting event is playing so I’ll miss it once again. Oh damn.

  38. I’ll tell her you said so. I hope you tipped well.

  39. When you love what you do, why retire? Unless you’ve got a hobby.

    (Sucking dick in the alley behind the club doesn’t count.)

  40. It’s burlesque, so I don’t have to tip.

  41. Even better. All of the ass, none of the cash.

  42. Twice the grey hair and cellulite.

  43. The way I lost you makes me a man
    The way I miss you makes me a man
    The way I derp you makes me a man
    And I thank you for all that I am

  44. wakey wakey muthafockers

  45. I will most likely be asleep by halftime.

    Worked last night until midnight (fake double for 12 and a half hours) then was up at 5:40 to take Hannah to college thing in Detroit.

    There will be lots of coffee consumed today.

  46. I wanted to get up at 6:30 or so but my stupid internal clock woke me up at 5:40 saying YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE THIS MORNING GET GOING.

  47. Up since 2. Possum decided the day begins at 6 today instead of the usual 730-8. She cried for about half an hour when mom left for the base, and wasn’t into that silly bottle that I warmed up for her.

    We’re watching Wildest Islands now and she’s finally slightly calm. She hasn’t pooped since Friday night, so I am a little worried.

  48. Uh-oh. Take a couple of extra outfits with you on your outing today, Leon.

    For both of you.

  49. Boy 1 used to save it up and then drop a football at the worst possible moment. He’d go 5 days and then OH MY GOD GET THE TARP.

  50. my wife wants to celebrate superbowl sunday by going to a movie –
    i will be watching kung fu panda 3 with the family
    and loving it

  51. Yeah, I have extra clothes ready.

  52. My friend’s farm. Baby nigerian goat cam:

    http://www.marestare.com/fcam.php?alias=doodleacres

  53. http://tinyurl.com/jybx5dk

  54. Vader 2016 would win if the prequels weren’t a thing.

  55. Phat wallpaper

    http://is.gd/hogJTa

  56. Took a sick day today. Feelin’ puny.

  57. You know who’s commercials I haven’t heard in a while?

    FanDuel and DraftKings.

    They used to blanket the airwaves on radio and TV. I just read a story about DraftKings trying to make it overseas in the UK with soccer (ok, “football”). Then I realized they’ve gone dark here.

  58. Hope you feel better soon with some rest lauraw

    http://is.gd/p4DxBE

  59. http://is.gd/jlPyGF

  60. Hope you feel better soon with some rest lauraw

    http://is.gd/YoSVGI

  61. I’m freakin famished

  62. This school could be really good for Hannah. The honors school seems really cool.

  63. That’s just what they want you to think, Carin.

    But if you look around carefully, you’ll notice there is no dungeon. You should ask them about that.

  64. Lauraw’s- that’s why I needed you here with me!

  65. Sigh. I was just looking at pictures of us together in MO last night. Was going over some old saved emails and there they were. I looked significantly younger.

  66. Not coming to meetups causes pre-mature aging.

    Acting immature is the key.

  67. Not coming to meetups causes pre-mature aging.

    *gives the sneaky side-eye to a few people*

    Correlation is not causation, doggeh.

  68. Much Informative. Very Wow.

  69. I’m freakin famished

    Today was paczki pickup day.

  70. Puppeh FTW

  71. hah!

  72. Ugh. I think I may have an isis member following me on twitter.

  73. What’ his handle?

  74. Everything is written in silly string. I tried to use the translate function but it doesn’t make any sense.

  75. I disappeared it in case he googles himself.

  76. block!

  77. I just did.

  78. I hate it when locked accounts follow me. I generally block them.

  79. Hi DiT. How many indians?

  80. Pro-tip:

    Do NOT use a 12″ double bevel compound miter saw to cut frozen turkey.

    Let’s just say that clean-up can be a real bitch.

  81. Heh. Your doing it Wong.

  82. Turkey mush everywhere….

  83. I know that they use band saws for that type of butching.

    Nice try at innovation.

  84. You should have just told Laura it was Sean.

  85. Do NOT use a 12″ double bevel compound miter saw to cut frozen turkey.
    ——————————
    But does it go with a nice pear and elderflower cocktail? That seems like a great idea for a Super Bowl party.

  86. I’m watching Hoarders to feel better about myself.

  87. >>>>But does it go with a nice pear and elderflower cocktail? That seems like a great idea for a Super Bowl party.

    Doesn’t it though???

    #pinkyup

  88. I’m binge-watching I, Zombie.

  89. I’ve seen your library.

  90. Leon, what do you think?

    I like the show.

  91. I don’t hate it, Rose is easy to crush on.

  92. XBrad, it’s worse because a lot of stuff had to be moved out of the way so the contractors could replace the window they broke and moved again when the rain came in around the gas fireplace.

  93. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, and the characters don’t act stupidly to the point that it’s painful to watch it.

    And yes, Rose is very lovely. Also, her accent when she’s not on the show…

  94. Aww, I was hoping for Scottish.

  95. We wouldn’t be able to handle the adorableness of Rose McIver with a Scottish accent.

  96. No, no, that would just be too much. You’re right.

  97. I took a nap

  98. Wow, Lady Gaga didn’t fuck up the National Anthem.

  99. I’m sure Gaga had a short leash

  100. Are you ready for the footballs?

  101. Lady Gaga is a classically trained singer. Good for her.

  102. Bonehead move by Talib

  103. BS call by the ref. He’s on his own sideline.

  104. They was too much stuff going on after the play, Pepe.

    I saw it coming.

  105. There

  106. At this level it should be pretty egregious before they call it. Emotions are running high. Plus gotta keep the game close. :)

  107. WooHoo!!! I survived SB Sunday at the Club!!! Only got cursed at 5 times. Margarita time!!!

  108. Okay, now a bench player hitting another player might warrant a flag.

  109. Bonehead move by Talib II

  110. Wow, got his money’s worth out of that face mask.

  111. We put a 70″ 4K TV on antenna for the game. First SB to be broadcast in 4K…picture is amazing! I need a 4K TV!!! (My guess is 6 for TV returns tomorrow)

  112. I was trying to figure out if the astronaut in the Audi commercial was a real one and finally decided he was an actor. That would have been too much if it’d been Edgar Mitchell plus David Bowie music.

  113. Ha! The guy that brought the punt returner down was blocked in the back. It’s why he was able to catch him.

  114. That was a great catch for a fat guy.

  115. If you’re looking for Twitter laffs, check out @NARAL being angry about commercials.

  116. MMM @6am.

    Now, bedtime.

  117. Sean, they are beyond parody.

  118. Today was Monday for me.

  119. I been waitin’ all day for Sunday Night

  120. Last one for a while :*(

  121. Yep. Basketball until March and then nothing.

    Sports halftime.

  122. Golf to fall asleep to on Sunday afternoons

  123. We watched old videos at halftime. Boy2 was a bit scandalized by the the playlist.

    http://is.gd/U97ZQ4

  124. Wiener Dogs!

  125. Yep, no more football, time to start watching NetFlix.

  126. Beisbol been berry berry good to me.

    Not a Budweiser fan, but I liked the guy flicking the orange slice off his beer glass. Not a fruit cup.

  127. Don’t fruit the beer!!!! The Heinz ad was filmed in SA. No American wieners were used in the ad. Crusoe was recruited for American ads. He’s Canadian.

  128. Carolina looks like they are done unless something crazy happens.

  129. there’s some crazy.

  130. #StopTheCrazy

  131. run
    run
    pass

  132. If Denver loses, it was because of that set of downs.

  133. Cyn, you OK?

  134. Great game

  135. Happy for Manning.

  136. S P R I N G T R A I N I N G

  137. Glad they gave the MVP to the right guy.

  138. Laughing at Peyton plugging for Budweiser again, at least it wasn’t Nationwide.

  139. Ha ha! The first time he got sacked I sang
    “OMG knocked on my ass” to the Nationwide jingle :)

  140. Did anybody do the math and figure out which Super Bowl anybody else’s parents boned after today?

  141. TomSwifty, original Moron, Russ, had people doing game commentery to the Nationwide jingle on his Facedouche page.

  142. Gee, thanks Sean. That ad had Dan reminding me I was old enough to watch and not be conceived before a KC SB. (Totes ignores his Steeler BS)

  143. Considering I was 6 years old when SB I happened, no…

    Did a double thought for the youngest, but he was born the April after the Ravens won.

  144. That would have been Hilarious, Oso! Being in Indiana, everyone was rooting for Peyton. I still hate anything Colts affiliated after they bugged out of Baltimore.

  145. Stanly Cup Baby, here.

    Only five months to go!

  146. Next year’s Halftime Show.

    http://tinyurl.com/gqlod3e

  147. Cactus League. Games don’t start until after TiTs2, but you can always hang out at fields.

  148. I’m hoping to check out Tempe Diablo while we’re there.

  149. Derp myself to nothing
    Vanish from this place
    Gonna turn myself to shadow
    So I can’t see your face


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