It’s that time of year again, where the air is buzzing with excitement, everyone is talking about their favorite players, and there are parties galore! I am speaking, of course, of Black History Month.
But the Super Bowl is also coming up or some junk, so we should probably talk about that, too…
1. The Denver Broncos: Formed in 1960 as the Telluride Range Rovers, the team would move to Denver three years later. Then, in 1970, they would change their name to the Broncos as a nod to the vehicle favored by their star quarterback, O.J. Simpson. Little is known about the team in subsequent years because most of the records were destroyed in a mysterious stadium fire, but pop culture references from the time suggest that their level of play was disappointing:
Little is known about the team in subsequent years (again) because they kinda sucked, and who the hell cares, but with the arrival of former Indianapolis Colt 45s quarterback Eli “Peyote” Manning, they once again became a force to be reckoned with in the AFC.
Manning got his nickname in college by being high as a fucking kite during every game
2. The Carolina Panthers: The Panthers are a team that is shrouded in mystery. For one thing, nobody is sure which state they play in–North or South Carolina. This is done deliberately, to keep their opponents off balance.
The Seattle Seahawks arrive for a recent game, blindfolded and under armed guard
The team began play in 1941 as the Dixieland All-White Snow Leopards, but after most of their players were pressed into service during World War II, a subsequent season was delayed until 1995, for some reason. Some have suggested that the delay was due to the site originally chosen for the team’s stadium resting on an Indian burial ground, but most experts have dismissed this theory.
At any rate, the team was mostly overshadowed by the popularity of the NBA’s Duke Blue Devils, but with the arrival of superstar quarterback Cam Newton, the team was well-nigh unbeatable this season, losing only a single game to their hated rivals, The Atlanta Falcons.
Cam Newton, wearing the Isaac Newton costume that won him 1st place in a cosplay contest at 2012’s ComiCon
So, Who’s Going To Win The Fucking Game, You Asshole?
First of all, rude. Secondly, as you may have noticed if you’ve been paying attention to this, I know next to nothing about the NFL, so I’m probably not the right guy to ask. But a friend of mine knew this girl who used to bet on games and she did pretty well despite not knowing her shit, and he asked her what her secret was. She told him that if she really didn’t know anything about the teams, she would just pick whichever one had a mascot that could fly, and she won more often than not that way. So uhhhhhh…
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