Trump v Cruz: A Seven Part Essay

In this post, we’ll begin a long series of essays to highlight the coming Republican primary. We all have strong opinions, so I’ll try to be respectful.

Please click below to continue…

Just kidding, phuqers de hos.


  1. Suquers.

  2. How did you make that grid?

  3. The ham that won’t die has been boiled off the bone. My freezer is loaded with bags of ham stuff. Much like this poat.

  4. It’s a secret.

  5. Truck is warming up, need to get dog food, liquor, lighter fluid, an adolescent wood duck (mallard), two pounds of black beans, a selfie stick, 16 mb of ram, a dozen cream filled donuts, duct tape, disposable shavers, soda crackers, a 8 x 10 carpet remnant, and blue cheese stuffed olives.

    Anybody need anything?

  6. I could use a bag of lentils and a jar of rendered chicken fat.

  7. Decent weather all week, now the workers show up. I hope I’m not paying overtime.

  8. Hahahahaha, nice fade on TH. (wiserradio)

  9. Holy shit, I really hope I’m not paying overtime. It’s multicultural out there, too – redneck good ol’ boys running the concrete truck, black guys pouring the concrete, and a bunch of Messicans painting and caulking. There’s at least 8 people out there. Cha-ching!

  10. Roamy, you might be able to pay some of them with pinto beans and collard greens.

  11. Pups, lists never get old to me. And I’ll take a jar of the blue cheese stuffed olives and the 8 X 10 carpet remnant (that size is big enough for a body right?*

    *Asking for a friend

  12. No collards in this house. I have some Our Lady of Guadalupe candles, that might do.

  13. Man, those are some big hooters. And all those gals seem nice.

  14. From the ONT, expiration dates – the church collects food for Christmas baskets, but under no circumstances can any expired food be given to the poor. Someone has to go through all of the donated food and check the dates. It’s a big job because there are usually 200+ boxes given to the poor. The nuns and the teachers will take home stuff that’s newly expired, and they pray for the soul of the person who donated the canned tuna dated 2006.

  15. Mare can dance?

  16. I read an article about canned food that was processed during the Civil War and found to be still edible.

  17. I can’t verify the thing but it doesn’t seem implausible.

  18. “they pray for the soul of the person who donated the canned tuna dated 2006.”


  19. Jewstin, I would think that highly implausible just from a metalurgy perspective.

  20. Cool film on netflix titled “The Wrecking Crew” if your into music. Its about a group of session musicians in LA that played on just about every major hit of every genre in the 60s. Like they influenced 98% of the songs made.

  21. Glass jars found in forgotten cellars.

  22. Ahhh…glass…….I don’t think glass when I think civil war canning. I think metal for transport / mil purposes. Still seems like a bit of a long shot, but plausible…

  23. So long as the rubber seal keeps the food keeps.

  24. Still surprising. Although I have also read about Scotch whisky found that is 200 years old.

  25. I have a pot of ham and beans bigger than MJ’s face. I don’t even like ham and beans.

  26. I’m on a run. Comments are mine bitches.

  27. My good Baptist grandmother dogcussed me for throwing out 25-year-old jars of green beans that had visibly faded.

    I would think the rubber would dry rot.

  28. I will eat ham and beans because I’m a garbage gut, but I refuse to like it.

  29. Being in a cellar would help minimize the hot/cold cycles.

  30. I suspect that the environment is circumstantially perfect for some jars to survive, but certainly not a common thing.

  31. You need some cornbread to go with that, Jewstin.


  33. My stainless steel pizza pan is here!

    Back in business.

  34. What is a garbage gut?

  35. As a youngster I recall canning food every September, and using jars of tomatoes ten years old.

  36. Garbage gut can eat virtually anything without digestive problems. I don’t mean to be gross, but I swallow tobacco juice instead of spitting. Not a problem.


  38. Ah, wax, not rubber, for Civil War-era canning.

  39. TT, if you liked “The Wrecking Crew”, look up the Funk Brothers.

    Same idea, except they were behind almost every Motown hit.

    A friend of mine was supposed to go on tour with them as their drummer, but they never got it done. Almost had them on my show. Again, didn’t work out.

    Cool story.

  40. I got to hear about a third of your show, Wiser. **buys stock in cold medicine company**

  41. Russians are messed up in the head

  42. Hubs and friends are putting down a new floor on our back entry. Also replacing the back door. Right now there is a great big open hole where the old door used to be.

    Of course, the cold front arrived last night….

  43. Years of mind numbing coldness and a daily fifth of vodka screws with your mind.

    No offense, Pupster.

  44. Don’t knock it! Cold weather = great tips for the pizza driver.

    Made $16 on 4 deliveries! And one lady only tipped $2 on a $40 order!

  45. Also, this is 2nd semester, when we usually have more than enough help. We can’t get enough people this year, that’s why I’m delivery at times. Kids just aren’t working, but taking out massive loans.

    Lets bail them out!

  46. Huh. Only supposed to be one really close game this weekend.

  47. I’m guessing it’s not the Chiefs Pats game.

  48. Pats -5.5
    Denv -7.5
    AZ -7.5
    Carolina -2.5

  49. Holy crap! The Cruz apology was on the fly?

    That was impressive.

  50. Thanks for the heads up Wiser, I’ll definetly check that out.

  51. The cost of class is insane. It’s about $1000-$1200 for three credit hours. You almost can’t afford to pay for school with a part-time job.

  52. Honestly, “on the fly” stuff like that is usually by people smart enough to have considered their answer to such a question in advance.

  53. Cruz has an incredible memory. He is pretty quick with the quip.

  54. I just grilled beef short ribs, burgers and chicken in -2 degrees, -12 windchill. Ribs were still rare, but everything else turned out well. I didn’t pre-cook the ribs in the oven long enough because I was freaking hungry. My grill won’t support 2 zone cooking, too leaky.

    No offense, Pupster.

    Mare, I will only be offended if you don’t come to TITS2.

  55. leon will you email me a best practices for Paleo living please?

    Really, it’s not complicated. The complications start when you start trying to add paleo versions of things back to your diet, or start adding dairy.

  56. Give it a try, pupster, it’s not as leaky as you think. Just keep the cover closed.

  57. Also, I would start the ribs on the grill, and finish in the oven. Smoke attaches better at the beginning.

  58. The ham and beans are most tasty. Tater tot casserole will be done soon. Beer braised Pork Chops and Sauerkraut are scheduled for tomorrow. I think I should have lunches and suppers for next wee km.

  59. You need a smoker, Jewstin.

  60. But I was HUNGRY and the GAME WAS STARTING.

    I should have butterflied them. I don’t have a lot of patience. Also it was cold as eff.

  61. I could smoke a tongue and some oxtail. I’m putting smoker on the shopping list.

  62. Put the on the grill indirect and leave them alone! You don’t have to camp out.

  63. I’ll bet oxtail is awesome smoked. Makes a really good beef stock.

    Might be a little tricky to eat, though.

  64. I have’nt had beef in many months and I don’t miss it. Other meats are superior.

  65. Smoked beef is sooooo good though. Especially a tougher cut like chuck or brisket. Short ribs would be good too.

  66. Hah! Oxtail is a collosal pain in the ass. Around here it is wildly expensive. $7.00 a pound?!

  67. It’s expensive here, too. I only used it as an experiment with beef stock. I’ll use chuck or brisket point in the future.

  68. Laura put some chicken thighs through the meat grinder, added a little salt, and made burgers out of them.

    They are really good.

    It’s going to be a regular thing around here.

  69. Once the wife is able to lift a little, I’m going to send her to the ISU meat lab. They sell cheap cuts that the students practice on.

  70. That’s a great idea. Love chicken thighs. I think leon might have tried them too.

  71. Did you smoke those, or just grill them, scott?

  72. I also just discovered Zatarain’s jambalaya mix.

    That’s going to be a thing as well.

  73. love that jambalaya mix. Try it with smoked sausage.

  74. Grilled them on the PBC after the burgers came off.
    I love how that thing grills.

    Did a little homework today.

    Melting point of aluminum is 1220 degrees.

    Charcoal briquettes can top 2000 degrees.

    Melting point of stainless steel is closer to 2500 degrees.

  75. Our first experiment with Zatarain’s involved sausage, pork, and clams. I think it had to be close to what gumbo is supposed to be.


  76. My TITS2 shirt has arrived and it’s everything I dreamed it would be. Thanks, Mr. Chumpo and Ms. Cyn.

  77. Looks like the Chiefs will be playing golf next weekend.

  78. Jambalaya mix and sour cream might make a pretty fantastic salad dressing.

  79. I mostly just bake chicken thighs covered in salsa.

    Jehovah’s Witness funerals are exactly like every other interaction with Jehovah’s Witnesses. Terrible theology, frightening permasmiles, and they say Jehovah a lot, and a strange word that sounded like “Jehovahgawd”. Nearly nothing about grandma (because this guy hadn’t even met her), plenty of sales pitch for their weird no-holiday heresy church. They even brought literature to distribute, “free of charge”.

    I’m going to have a mass said for grandma sometime soon. I’ll pray for the rest of them. I held my tongue today. Really, really held it.

  80. Jehova’s Witness is the Scientology of Christianity.

  81. They don’t hold to the Nicene Creed. They are as Christian as Mormons, and yet somehow make Mormons seem normal.

  82. Dan made Zatarain’s gumbo the other night. Leftovers tonight. He calls it “Gumbo”, but then gets all snarky about why it isn’t a REAL gumbo, but just sausage and Zatarain’s.

  83. Leon, I feel your pain.

  84. I credit the Mormons. They at least went to the trouble of writing their own bit of bible fan-fiction. The JWs just selectively edited the KJV and claimed it was an improved translation.

  85. Wife wants sushi, and she’s had a much harder week than I have, so I will honor her wishes.

  86. Good guy, Leon. Lil Possum’s mama wants sushi, she gets sushi!

  87. Who was the guy in the infomercials who said “Never clean your toilet again.”? Died of cocaine?

  88. Billy Mays?

  89. Good man Leon.

  90. Tidy Bowl Man

  91. Billy Mays. I almost lost my shit trying to remember that. Sometimes jokes are hard.

  92. The one who didn’t bite a hooker.

  93. Grizzly Adams died

  94. Grizzly Adams makes me think of this guy

    h/t Cyn!!!

  95. Paula is drinking for every good play. I’ll be helping her up the stairs tonight.

  96. Patriots look pretty good.

  97. I’m sitting in the BMC with KC Bear drinking bourbon. I think the Steelers will be out tomorrow as well. Unlucky wknd at the Condo.

  98. Who’s got two dicks and is going to TITS2?

    *points dicks at self*

    This guy.

  99. If Steelers lose at Denver the sportscasters will be jizzing themselves for a week for Brady-Manning for a week.

  100. When I ground up the chicken thighs I added salt, black pepper, and garlic powder, in pretty small amounts. I put them through the coarse die on the grinder. Patted them into sloppy patties, which firmed right up on the grill.

    This was a good experiment. Savory, but light. First bite, I saw myself eating these in Summer with cold crunchy lettuce and a little mayo, or with slaw.

    This is going to be a regular Summer quick-griller item around here. If I don’t forget about it between now and then. School has a way of erasing me.

  101. Sean wrote a book?

  102. Just found out Dan took the Cheatriots against my Chefs. He’s trying to be nice about the Chiefs prospects for next year.

  103. Do you need an H2 reminder in the late Spring?

  104. That…that would be so very kind, Oso. I won’t hold you to it, of course, but it would be funny to get a reminder to grind my thighs.

  105. The Chiefs are ruining whatever chance they had.

  106. i just made a pan of cartelized onions.

  107. Onion is a helluva seasoning.

  108. Or caramelized.

  109. Umm, caramel!

  110. Double drink for Edelman catch. I’m getting lucky tonight

  111. I’m transitioning the reminder to my long term memory. Repeating. Hope it works. We have a meat grinder at Sam’s. We’re clearing it out. Dan:We’re not getting a meat grinder. I’ll just have the Meat guys do it. (He does. They do select grinds and cuts all the time. Most people don’t know to ask)

  112. Blah blah blah Belichek and Brady 92-1 when leading at HT at home. Dan took off the gloves and started mansplaining his choice of the Pats over my Chiefs. Someone is sleeping on the sofa.

  113. I had the Chiefs in a winner take all $10 betting pool


  114. What kind of meat grinder do you have Laura? I vaguely recall one like this that my mother had

  115. Steeler Bear is now in the BMC with me. Hoping for some mojo. (Dan has money on Peyton. Against his Steelers. We want the Steelers to win, but Peyton to have a good game. FF. Online wagering)

  116. Comment by Jimbro on January 16, 2016 7:48 pm
    Double drink for Edelman catch. I’m getting lucky tonight

    She’s drunk enough that she can’t fight back?

  117. Overheard from the couch: “I gotta work on my alcohol resistance”

    Translation: I’m not getting any tonight.

  118. *gets hair ties to avoid needing to get out of bed to hold hair back*

  119. When Pittsburgh was healthy they couldn’t beat the Bengals.

    How the heck to they beat Denver all banged up?

  120. Scott, they don’t. That is why cynical Dan is betting on Peyton.

  121. Sean Mulligan, are you riding out with us?

    You should. I could use a witness.

  122. You can only bring one dick though. XBrad is not a machine.

  123. Check your email, Chumps.

  124. Copy

  125. So eggcited for TITS2. Cactus League gear in the stores!!!! I’ll get moar baseball tees/ Sam’s in AZ has QUEEN SIZED OLIVES!!!! Plus, I’ll get to meet some of you in RL!!! Squeeeee

  126. Sweet.

  127. Can ride on the roof?

  128. Pretty cool

  129. At any given time, the urge to sing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ is just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away…

  130. Hah! Jimbro, I spent many days after school cranking that very meat grinder. Cold beef, onions, pickles, mustard, and mayonnaise made a pretty terrific lunch spread for sandwiches.

  131. bad dog

  132. I have a Chinese Meat Grinder that I got for $99.

    For another $10 I get my laundry did.

  133. *grabs the spray bottle*

    *spritzes Pupster*

    Now I have that song running through my head!

  134. The Cardinals are going to give me a heart attack.

    *does deep breathing exercises and two Jagger shots

  135. I love that song. Especially the Ladysmith version from Spike Lee’s Do It Acapella.

  136. Grab one of those headbands too, Jimbro; those get the wispy hairs that the scrunchie misses.

  137. All bs aside, its a lot like this one (not this exact one so buyer beware).

    Best $99 I ever spent. I havnt bought ground meat in 10 years and it makes brats.

    Hell yes.

  138. Jagger shots?



  140. Je.

  141. Dammit

  142. I used to have a grinder a bit like that, Jimbro, but it was a big clunker made in China. It was impossible to sanitize properly and the metal patina wore weirdly. It was just a worrisome piece of equipment. Now I have a little Norpro plastic/ stainless steel gizmo and I am happy with it. All the parts disassemble and go in the dishwasher. Slow but nice to use little hand crank grinder. It comes with a sausage stuffer attachment and pasta extruders but it is not adequate for those tasks at all. Just grinding.

  143. If the Packers keep running that fat guy, they’ll win this.

  144. He’ll just flatten all our players. Game Over.

  145. I love specific Cheeseheads, but H8 most Cheeseheads. Our lil Moses has been dressed in Packer Backer gear by the lovely Janis. Tush, if you are lurking, have the anchor twins established team loyalties yet?


  147. Hose fuckers.

  148. Wow

  149. Elefuns have tiny eyes. Like a shark.

  150. Cynians win.

  151. I like ice. I like eating it. Bad, Oso.

  152. I H8s math. I H8s it. Dan is trying to mansplain points and the foosball to me again. Kill me nao!!! I don’t fucking care that a win is a loss. Don’t care.

  153. Sean–check you malemail.


  155. I. Can’t. Breathe. Fuggin. Rodgers. DAMMIT

  156. That’s crap.

  157. AUGH!!!!

  158. Really? Coin flip that doesn’t flip?

  159. Checked and replied, Cynnabuns.

  160. Crazy game. Pretty sure the secret to winning football is luck.

  161. Merry Fitzmas!!

  162. And there is crying in the land of cheese.

  163. I am scheduled to get off work during the Steeler game. I was already told to stall. I think I may make a certain someone watch the D-Rat debate/

  164. Did anybody tell anybody else that their stupid hypnosis trick wasn’t working on them and that if they didn’t put away that stupid pocketwatch they were going to peck their hand with their chicken beak today?

  165. I’m afraid of hypnosis. Control issues trending RED!!!

  166. I H8 the fact that Dan listens when I talk in my sleep and have sleep terrors. Totes a violation of privacy. Un-American

  167. Dan is making fun that the MLK crowds were extra small today.

  168. Judging people by the content of their character is for fagz.

  169. Yep. AA social media has nothing on LGBT social media


  171. More election decision help:

  172. Did you see 13 Hours cb?

  173. Yep. AA social media has nothing on LGBT social media

    You didn’t immediately support the cause of the week. Time to destroy your life…

  174. Look up here, I’m in heaven
    I’ve got scars that can’t be seen
    I’ve got derp, can’t be stolen
    Everybody knows me now

  175. Heh, a first.

    I just went to the bathroom, and Elliot didn’t follow me, he kept sleeping in the chair.

  176. Not yet Jay.

  177. Rocketboy is on the road, going back to school. *sniff*

  178. morning

  179. Howdy.

  180. Morning.

  181. Time to get dressed and go feed the equines.

  182. leon did you get my message?

  183. I did, I linked this in the last thread.

  184. Morning. -14 feels brisk.

  185. The collage is made by selecting multiple files from media that has been uploaded.

  186. ww

  187. Other bartender showed up hungover yesterday so I got to do the Saturday evening rush pretty much by myself. It was a LOT of fun


  188. Open and close FTW.


  190. At least she gave you a “heads up”.

    I was too hungover to work once in my life. I went home and was miserable there too but not on the clock.


  192. Morning.

  193. I think the Seahawks are drunk.

  194. The line was 2.5, right Scott?

  195. Yep.

  196. Space X launch live video:

  197. I’m in the Charlotte airport. It’s nuts right now.

  198. Maybe it was 25 points.

  199. That seems more appropriate.

  200. What is happening in this football game? Carolina looks like a pro team, Seattle looks….what Scott said, drunk.


  201. Rowan got to chase the ball and Frisbee extra long thanks to Seattle being drunk.

  202. Other bartender showed up hungover yesterday so I got to do the Saturday evening rush pretty much by myself. It was a LOT of fun

    You should fire her.

  203. thanks!!!!



  206. Leon – my manager avoided that possible event by completely avoiding the bar.

    She just … refused to see the situation. If she’d seen her curled up in the little room off the bar she would have HAD to do something. So – she stayed in the kitchen.


  207. The Obama way.

  208. ^^Scott nailed it^^

  209. So she gets to share your gratuities cause she was on the clock? You need to have chat with that human. A chat about pulling weight and pain.


  211. I had no idea avalanches could act like this.

    It gets interesting about halfway in

  212. Pants for Possum

  213. If Pittsburgh wins the Patriots get another home game.

  214. That looked like a mud slide while in that low section, Scott.

    Not a euphemism.

  215. I hope the doghouse was empty.

  216. Actually – she just left w/o us splitting up the tips. Since she did zero side work etc I just tipped her what I felt was appropriate. I was probably overly generous but that’s my way. She did work SOME.

    I took $226 and gave her $60.

  217. And yes. Scott did nail it. The Obama way. Hide from a problem.

  218. She wasn’t expecting any and I didn’t tell her I left her any. She’ll find out eventually. Probably today.

  219. She also texted to apologize to me and promised it would never happen again. I’m pretty sure she felt like a complete asshole yesterday and this morning.

  220. Huh, apparently sexual harassment in astronomy and space science is a thing, which I find sort of hard to believe in this politically correct age. More likely it’s microaggressions like Orion the Hunter having a weapon.

    I still need the office sign, “Sexual harassment will not be reported, it will, however, be graded.”

  221. heh

    that’s funnay

  222. Is Hugh Hewitt for Trump? Do any of you know. I can’t tell if I’m being trolled or not.

  223. I don’t think Hugh has declared support for any candidate.

  224. I am pretty sure they hate each other.

  225. Donkeys are gonna mess this up.

  226. Uh oh.

  227. Oso just got cranky.

  228. …..and they cover the spread.

  229. Oh boy.


  230. …and they don’t. What a horrible way to lose a bet.

  231. You are supposed to call her Chelsea Manning now.

  232. Well, that was the wrong time to walk away from the TV.

  233. You are supposed to call her Chelsea Manning now.

    Now that right there was funny.

  234. We’re all hating the Broncos, right?

  235. I’m fairly indifferent to most football teams. The Raiders being the notable exception. Fuck those guys.

  236. I used to like you, Seam. Raiders are the best.

  237. Are any of you good people watching Sean Penn on 60 Minutes? Because I’d love it if you could tell me what bullshit he’s saying without me having to watch.

    He’s one of those actors who think they’re smart and deep and articulate and wise.

    Pro tip: They aren’t.

  238. He’s the smartest person in the world and we are all idiots.

  239. I read some excerpts from his Rolling Stones article. The guy is an utter dolt. The only drivel of comparable merit I can think of is Kerouack’s On the Road. Complete fucking wasteland.

  240. Isn’t “El Chapo” some of the worst scum in the world? Did Sean Penn stab him in the neck with a “Feel the Bern” lapel pin? If not, he’s a jackass.

  241. Oh, and I feel like stabbing an Obama doll in the face when I see a Cottenelle commercial encouraging people to go commando because they’ve wiped so well.

  242. As a Chiefs fan I can’t like the Donkeys or the Faders.

    That being said, I’d rather the Mules won over the Pats.

  243. That won’t happen.

  244. I used to like you, Seam. Raiders are the best.

    Look, I’m sorry that your multiple felony convictions preclude you from being allowed to root for another, less scummy team, but that’s really not my problem.

  245. El Chapo is a modern day Al Capone. A murderous, drug-running, identity-thieving piece of shit. Forbes had him on their billionaire list until somebody pointed out all of his money came from drugs, extortion, and kidnapping ransom. Fuck Mexico. Let them wallow in their super shitty feudal society. I don’t want a wall, I want a no-man’s land complete with land mines, moats full of crocodiles, snipers, and bundles of razor wire.

  246. What J’ames said. Donks before Pats. Cards over everybody!!!

  247. Jew FTW!!!!

  248. If there is a worse cartel than the Sina Loa it’s the Zetas, but they have all carved out their baronies. The Mexican government is a bad fucking joke.

  249. Mare, turn on NBC.

  250. Haha, they didn’t have the debate at the same time as a football game?

  251. Jewstin, that was a comment that I could really get behind, and by get behind I mean agree with 100%.

  252. I like the scummy team. There is nothing wrong with rolling about in the gutter and carrying a razor blade under your tongue for emergencies.


  253. I am watching the debate. It’s a hoot.

    Everything they are fighting for is fake.

  254. Jay, I’m making Stella Culinary’s brioche bun recipe right now. Modded it for sourdough. Retarded the dough for two days. Halfway through the baking right now. Kitchen smells terrific.

  255. Speaking of the debate, new poat:

  256. I rather hope Bernie Sanders’ bow tie wins. It shouldn’t be difficult.

  257. Hmm, brioche sourdough, nice!

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