Movie Review: John Wick

It’s easier to review a movie that sucks balls because spoilers don’t matter since whoever wrote the review doesn’t want you to see it anyway.

This is a positive review so if you haven’t seen John Wick and you like action movies, guns and a lot of bad guys getting killed, rent John Wick and don’t read anymore because the rest of this review will spoil the shit out of it.

I don’t even remember hearing about this movie when it came out but I ran across it on Amazon Prime the other day and I’ve now watched it twice and I love it like a fat kid loves cake.

The movie is about a guy that used to be a killer for hire who retired and then was PULLED BACK IN!!!  I know…yawn.  Not the most original plot.  However here are a list of things that I really liked about this movie.

A)  I think you call this a plot device but I’m not sure.  Seeing people who are important to the main character get killed as the motivation for the revenge is normal but if you kill a guy’s fucking puppy then we’re talking about a whole new level of revenge.  You don’t fucking kill a puppy.  Ever!  Whatever happens to the people who kill the puppy is too humane.  Most people suck and I generally don’t like them but dogs are good.  There are two quotes about dogs that I love:

“Everyone thinks their dog is the best and none of them are wrong.”

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

B)  I’ve never had anything against Keanu Reeves.  He’s maybe not the best actor in the world but you’re probably not the best in the world at what you do either so shut up.  At least for an actor he doesn’t give you reason to hate his guts like Sean Penn does.  I thought Keanu Reeves was great in this movie.  Granted it’s a revenge-fantasy action movie that doesn’t require eight octaves of emotion but maybe that’s what made him good for this role.

C)  Although this movie was made in 2014 there are scenes with old school land-line phones with a cord.  If you’re an old person like me there is something nice about seeing that.

D)  The killing in this movie – of which there is a lot – is cold and sometimes brutal.  The main character John Wick kills probably 40 people and the kill shots are almost always in the head and oftentimes in the face.  I wouldn’t have noticed this unless it was unusual and intentional.  I’ve seen a thousand movies and this stuck out to me as very different from say a Terminator movie or something like that where there is just a spray of gun fire and bad guys fall down.  The personal nature in which some of the bad guys get whacked and John Wick stares into their eyes is something you don’t see often.

E)  John Wick drives some sweet old school muscle cars which if you are a man with testosterone in your veins like Mare you will like.  There are 1,000 reasons that hippies who drive Priuses would hate this movie but this is a good one.

F)  Unlike most movies with massive amounts of gunfire, the main character actually empties his magazine and has to reload.  There is a scene or two where this is to his detriment.  It bugs me in other movies like this where there is apparently an endless number of rounds and no need to reload.

G)  This seems sort of gay to notice in an action movie and I didn’t really notice it until the second viewing but the musical score works very well with the action in the film.  It has a good beat you and can dance watch Keanu kill to it.

This probably doesn’t rank in the best 50 action movies of all time but it’s close.  There is a sequel coming out which I hope they don’t fuck up.  The movie wraps up nicely at the end so if the sequel turns into “Taken 47: I Still Have a Particular Set of Skills” that will suck.

In closing I enjoyed this movie and thought it was very well done.  If you disagree then you’re a smelly hippie or some sort of asswipe.

I give it 2.75 out of 3 hosefuckers.

2.75 hosefuckers



laura kinda made me feel bad for even mentioning the puppy thing so here is a picture of Floyd and Daisy.

 Floyd Daisy Car


  1. I still hate that picture of me. You can’t even tell that I’m smiling.

  2. I’m confused. ABCDEFG? Is that the right order?

  3. Laura, frozen wilderness has advantages. Keeps out poisonous snakes and refugees from hot desert climates.

  4. I still hate that picture of me. You can’t even tell that I’m smiling.


    scott looks taller when he’s hanging upside down though.

  5. A bit on the cinematography in John Wick. After he enters the hotel, notice how the colors shift. Before, the world looked pretty normal. After, it was almost a noir feeling, almost to the level of how Sin City was filmed.

  6. I thought The Force Awakens sucked.
    Does that make me a bad person?

  7. In all seriousness though, that is perhaps the best picture ever in the history of time.

    If you ever have someone that you never want to talk to or see again, let them find that picture on your phone.

    The only way I could like that picture more is if this guy was in the background.

  8. I haven’t seen it and I know it sucked. All movies suck now.

    I lost all interest in Star Wars forever when I went to the first prequel.

  9. I thought this movie was robbed at the Oscars in that they didn’t create a special Oscar for Outstanding Achievement In People Getting Shot in the Face specifically for it.

  10. I lost interest in every other movie when I saw Iron Man 3.

  11. I noticed that as well xbrad.

    It makes me uncomfortable to agree with you on anything.

  12. I’ll watch a bunch of bad people getting shot in the face but I’m not watching no puppy snuff film. Fuck you, man.

    Fuck. You.



  13. I might see John Wick. I’ve heard good things from people who aren’t Rosetta.

  14. I may need to take an anger management class because I liked all the people getting shot in the face.

    I also like this a lot.

  15. Man on Fire > John Wick > The Equalizer

    Oso, back me up on this. Wick is a good one.

    Good to see you finally saw it. Wow.

  16. John Wick- Unlike our usual movie spoiler (The dog dies at the end) here the dog dies at the beginning.

  17. If I see a puppy get slaughtered, I have to burn down the cineplex. Sorry.

  18. Sean Cassidy is a Thalidomide baby.

  19. For a guy who has decent taste in movies, Rosie is a DIRTY MOTHERFUCKER.

  20. In that picture Wiser looks like he’s having an argument with Thom Hills.
    That’s why he’s got a radio program and I don’t.
    Nothing breaks his concentration.

  21. laura, I updated the post for you.

  22. For a guy who has decent taste in movies, Rosie is a DIRTY MOTHERFUCKER.

    This bit will never get old. EVER!!!

  23. That’s a relief. Because I’m all out of new material.

  24. Aw, well thanks Rosetta, I…

    laura kinda made me feel bad for even mentioning the puppy thing so here is a picture of Floyd and Daisy.

    Yayyy! Awesome.

    *looks at pic*


    Well, well.
    Aren’t they your little darlings. Um.

    You…listen, man; are these actual dogs or just dessicated heads, at this point? Don’t act insulted. This can’t be the first time someone has asked you this. Today.

  25. I want to know who did that hosefucker picture and I want to know what the fuck they were thinking.

    I don’t understand it. I can’t even make up an explanation.

    Did the people responsible for that think it was funny or is whatever is going on in that picture an actual thing? If so, what is that thing?

    Someone research this and please forward me a report.

  26. They’re English Bulldog heads. You can buy them at English Bulldog Head Depot.

  27. And if they are in fact actual dogs OMG HOW GORGEOUS AND PRECIOUS!! LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!

    (seriously though I will never forget Floyd snuffling and cuddling me while I napped on your couch that morning. His cute snoot was like petting folded moist flannel. Adorable.)

  28. Actually Floyd and Daisy have on their winter sweaters in that picture. Daisy’s is red and Floyd’s is gray.

    Floyd likes wearing sweaters like a fat kid likes eating kale and running.

  29. Um, I’m pretty sure two of those three people are drinking piss. Self explanatory, really.

  30. You can buy them at English Bulldog Head Depot.

    I’ll have two dozen of them strategically located about the W homestead and beyond, as soon as they are delivered. The uses are endless.

    After retrieving his recycle bin, my neighbor isn’t going to be such a dick about a lot of things anymore.

  31. Je, who are you escaping from in that picture. It looks like you’re leaving BroneyCon in a hurry.

  32. You will never find better snuggling slobbering dogs than those two pigs.

    Daisy has had two surgeries to fix her breathing. She has a bad bulldog palate but she still snores like a passed out drunk fat man with sleep apnea and a bad cold.

  33. We had just robbed a bank.

    No one expects bulldogs with guns.

  34. Never look back.

  35. Something might be gaining on you.

  36. Do you remember a derp that’s been
    In such an early song?
    I’ve heard a rumor from Ground Control
    Oh no, don’t say it’s true

    They got a message from the Action Man
    “I’m happy, hope you’re happy too
    I’ve loved all I’ve needed, love
    Sordid details following”

    The shrieking of nothing is killing, just
    Pictures of Jap girls in synthesis and I
    Ain’t got no money and I ain’t got no hair
    But I’m hoping to kick but the planet it’s glowing

    Ashes to ashes, funk to funky
    We know Major Tom’s a junkie
    Strung out in heaven’s high
    Hitting an all-time low

    Time and again I tell myself
    I’ll stay clean tonight
    But the little green wheels are following me
    Oh no, not again
    I’m stuck with a valuable friend
    “I’m happy, hope you’re happy too”
    One flash of light but no smoking pistol

    I never done good things (I never done good things)
    I never done bad things (I never done bad things)
    I never did anything out of the blue, woh-o-oh
    Want an axe to break the ice
    Wanna come down right now

    Ashes to ashes, funk to funky
    We know Major Tom’s a junkie
    Strung out in heaven’s high
    Hitting an all-time low

    My mother said, to get things done
    You’d better not mess with Major Tom

    My mother said, to get things done
    You’d better not mess with Major Tom

    My mother said, to get things done
    You’d better not mess with Major Tom

    My mother said, to get things done
    You’d better not mess with Major Tom

  37. Killing a thread with expediency is an art (see: brad,x).

    Sean killed this one by shooting it in the face by hitting 50 shotgun shells with a hammer.

    I have a new respect for shooting things in the face.

  38. The White Duke is dead.

  39. Never say die, (or day) to the night crew.

    Leon’s Lovely Laddys will be here by and by.

  40. I liked maybe 8 or 10 songs from his career-long semi-tranny catalog and those were great songs so his passing deserves some note.

    Singing White Christmas with Bing in a sweater in that video is a highlight.

    Vanilla Ice should cut one of his arms off at the shoulder today in tribute. Or cut his head off.

    Also deserving some note is that he was married to supermodel Iman which must have required snorting cocaine out of a lot of unusual places and probably doing other things that aren’t “normal” by our standards. Then again, if you are presented with that fast lane highway you might should take it. I think most of or roads are more like one-way farm roads to grandma’s house which is pretty boring.

    However among his 8 or 10 songs that are definitive classics which I believe to be true works of art, maybe my favorite fact about Bowie is the fact he had one green eye and one blue eye. That always endlessly was interesting to me.

    RIP, the Leader of all the young dudes.

    You made your mark and it was good.

  41. OMG!!! Dan made me an egg nog shake and I over sugared. I was grieving earlier and totes missed this thread. Man on Fire is better than John Wick or Equalizer. Love all three. Fallen gives me nightmares.

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