MMM 205: Making America Great Again in 2016

So the year begins and HOLY CRAP I’m excited.  It’s going to be amazing.  2016 is bound to be better than 2015.  Here’s my reasoning:

You know all those things that can’t go on forever?  Remember how things that can’t go on forever… don’t?  Every single one of those things is now closer to ending.  SOMETHING is going to fail catastrophically this year, and gravity will bring something with no business in the air crashing to the ground.  Keep the popcorn handy.  If it’s the EBT system, oh man, hilarity will surely ensue.  Another market crash?  WOOOOO!  The only thing better would be an actual zombie apocalypse.

ARE YOU PUMPED?

Lat work.

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Sled push.

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Balance.

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Dance.

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Gathering places.

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Shadows.

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Trolling.

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Rings.

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So what’s going to fracture this year?  What goes crashing down first, and when?

159 Comments

  1. EBT failure….
    HAHAHAAAA!!!!

    leon went full on Comic

  2. Hoping the Hillary campaign fails in a spectacular fashion.

  3. Wakey wakey

  4. I may kill my daughter today. Stay tuned.

  5. You gonna nag her to death?

    *walks briskly away and hides behind a glare-proof wall*

  6. Let me know if you’re serious, though. I know a guy.

  7. Don’t kill her, sell her to the Gypsies.

  8. Car In Hostage Theater:

    [watches daughter take my GORGEOUS aloe plant out of the room]

    Me: Where are you going with that?

    Her: My friend needs this for her project for tomorrow?

    Me: ???

    Her: Yea she needs an aloe for her presentation/

    Me: ???

    Her: MOM. She needs it.

    Me: Take GOOD care of that. I’ve had it for a loong time and I love that pot.

    Her walking away barely listening: Yea. It will be fine.

    FF to this morning – when I find MY ALOE PLANT IN MY CAR..

    FROZEN.

    I’m going to kill her.

  9. She texts me “You’re going to need to go home and bring me the other one”

    Yea. That’s not happening.

  10. Whoa- she killed it BEFORE she even needed it?

    *calls my guy*

  11. I obviously need to nag her a LOT more.

    Honestly. She’s 18 years old. The plant is something like 99% water. And it’s 20 degrees out.

  12. So will you punish her? Take her phone? Whip her with a stick? Make her buy you a new plant? Actions have consequences.

  13. You need to send her to camp Beasn. She’ll get her lined out.

  14. So … you’re thinking the “kill her” is too much?

    I’m mostly upset about her thoughtlessness. She’s going to have to fix the plant … repot a new one etc. But I need her to be more focused on the hurt she does.

  15. Yeah, that thinking ahead stuff will kill ya.

  16. Camp Beasn sounds like too much. But there haven’t been any fatalities out of there (that we know of) so I say give it a shot.

    Do they have uniforms at Camp Beasn?

  17. Wow Car in, your daughter sounds incredibly selfish. I’m sorry :(

  18. Can I go to camp beasn? WIll there be campfires?

  19. Alex – she’s focused on her SOCIAL group. Not her family. SHe’s a work in progress.

    I will note that she did some very thoughtful things over the holidays. But kids are kids (and she’s immature). There are bumps.

    I just hope I don’t have to kill her. She’s pretty.

  20. She can be VERY thoughtful to her friends.

    I’m working on the whole idea that friends come and go. Family is forever.

    Remember how she totalled her brother’s car last spring? I brought this up with her. I told her that could be a friendship ENDING event. Her brother never even mentions it.

    I think that one hit home.

    This parenting thing is HARD.

  21. Sell her to Gypsies. You could probably get a half-dozen silkies and a life-time supply of earbuds.

  22. ^true.

    If they would throw in some chargers and cables … I’ll think about it.

  23. Speaking of which – I only have one silkie left. The rooster died two weeks ago.

    *bows head for a moment of silence

  24. At least you wouldn’t need to buy earbuds for that one. You have the other ones to worry about.

    Don’t feel bad. Elliot thinks ear buds are tasty.

  25. She’s really the earbud “black hole”.

  26. So is lauraw really going to get chickens or is she just teasing me?

  27. We deal with shit like that from our older boy routinely. In his defense he was a preemie, has diagnosed ADHD and several other difficulties with cogniotion and his bio father has bipolar disease.

    He’s never killed a plant though…

  28. Better not let the SJWs get wind of this “killing a plant” thing. They might take care of the killing for you.

  29. So everyone is still on fire on the left about Oregon. While I don’t see why they had to take over a building, I think the ranchers have a point. Terrorism over a fire? Please!

  30. What, is everyone work working today? BORING!

  31. Back to regular working schedules after a 2 week modified schedule and stuff is piled high and deep.

  32. I think the Oregon thing is FUBAR’d in all respects. The original reason for being there was to support the Hammonds. The “march” was to protest the the sentencing aspect of the situation. A group within the march separated and “took over” the cabin. I’ve seen statements from the OathKeepers and the local 3% militia types saying they do not support this action. I guess my question is why do the “take over” armed? Why not do it unarmed, let the .gov do its heavy handed thing, and then return later armed to make your message about the .gov controlling / “owning” too much land? That’s what its all about right?

    In the meantime the “left” loves this shit and it comes right at the same time Bammy is crowing about the EO’s he’s going to implement.

    FUBAR

  33. Plus I just realized I’ve never repotted my aloe plant.

    *adds repotting aloe plant to “the list”*

  34. Happy New Year.

    I know I’m four days late. I had shit to do.

  35. Car In, I completely understand your daughter situation. My youngest of 3 daughters is in HS still. One minute great, the next an effing hellion. But, based on my first two daughters, there’s a high likelihood of ultimate parental success.

  36. I think the comparisons between the protests we’ve seen over the past few years and this one in Oregon are hilarious. I think they burned a few things down in Phili. Anyone in jail for that?

  37. Jam, there was like an 8 hour failure of the EBT system last year. It was literally riotous.

    I’m hoping for a Hillary burnout sometime soon, but I really think Math is going to happen to something hyuge and we’re going to get a proper spectacle.

  38. *gurgle gurgle gurgle

    I think it’s going to be Trump v Hillary and she’s going to get schlonged

  39. That’ll make it the first time she’s been schlonged since the 1980s.

  40. No, she got schlonged by 0Bama in ’08.

  41. Dammit, no more Hillary! schlonged references. I’m out of brain bleach.

  42. MJ’s right. Hillary’s going down harder than Monica on a Friday afternoon.

  43. Santa is PISSED!

  44. I didn’t know Car in lived in Sacramento.

  45. Guy’ll end up with a full blown Blood gangster on his front porch, dressed in his red short set with cotton balls stuck his face talking bout …yo yo yo…. its Santy up in heah! Were dem boxes be at? All yall lil Crips gonna haf to come up off de boxes yo, foh Santy haz to get all cappy on yer azz. Santy be like … “Does Santy need to smack a bitch while Im heah”?

  46. Anyone have a Garmin or fitness thing? I’ve been eyeing them. I think the baseline fitbits won’t do what I want (give constant feedback on pace and distance). Anyone know?

  47. Wait Carin, does the Grmin need a charger?

  48. Been looking at those too, Car in. Haven’t decided on one.

  49. I’m glad you spotted the issue. Perhaps it uses a DIFFERENT charger than my phone?

  50. I think it’s either the Fitbit SURGE or Garmin 220. 230 if I win the lotto.

  51. The garmin isn’t actually cheaper because it doesn’t include the heart rate monitor strap. Which is another $40 or so.

  52. I mean the Fitbit is a little better because you don’t have to wear a strap. That’s why it’s more expensive. And the base models of the garmin seem a LOT cheaper because they don’t include the monitor.

  53. They have refurbished older models for $70.

  54. So… I had never read the transcripts from the Ken Starr report.

    That’s some funny shit right there. Classic pervy stuff.

  55. Polar makes really good ones, but they cost one or two insolent children.

  56. They gave away a Polar as a prize for attendance at kickboxing. Sounded pretty nice.

  57. Sriracha sauce, don’t ever change. Mmmm, spicy ranch.

  58. I had a polar. Only lasted about 18 months.

  59. I had a Polar Vortex which lasted most of last winter.

  60. I have a polar fleece that has lasted 12 years.

  61. Is it made from real polar bear?

  62. It’s made from clubbed baby seals.

  63. Preposterous

  64. Camp Beasn sounds like too much. But there haven’t been any fatalities out of there (that we know of) so I say give it a shot.
    Do they have uniforms at Camp Beasn?

    WTH? HAHAHAHA!

    I just read this and pepe’s comment to beasnette and she asks, ‘What do they think goes on here? Though, you do scare me and my goal is to never make you mad.’ (she never wants to make anybody mad so don’t take that comment as ‘beasn’ is dressed like a commandant. She lurves me.)

    And no campfires, carin. Just brownies and crochet projects and lots and lots of H8 towards our government .

  65. Oh, and I read your theatre. No, beasnette would have never given one of my plants, if I dedicated the time to keeping one alive, to a friend because the friend was too lazy to get one of her own for a project.

  66. …because we would have been butting heads something fierce and driving Mr. Beasn mad.

  67. I think they burned a few things down in Phili. Anyone in jail for that?

    Lots of shit burned in Ferguson. Piss bags, rocks, molotov cocktails, and bullets were thrown/shot at police. Maybe one person in jail.

  68. Anyone have a Garmin or fitness thing? I’ve been eyeing them. I think the baseline fitbits won’t do what I want (give constant feedback on pace and distance). Anyone know?

    I know someone who may or may not work there and may or may not get a decent discount. If you are truly interested PM me.

  69. Oh, beasnette wouldn’t have done it because I would have told her NOPE. I’m stingy like that and lazy friends annoy me.

  70. Yes SIR! Ma’am, WHATEVER!

  71. *licks finger*

    *shoves it in Jay’s ear*

  72. Sign me up for camp beasn. Sounds awesome.

  73. Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at WalMart for Elliot.

    I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think, that I had an elephant?

    Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that No, I didn’t have a dog – that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time.
    On the bright side though, I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
    (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

    Horrified, She asked : “Did you end up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned you?”

    I said: No, not at all; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me.

    The guy behind her was laughing so hard, I thought he was going to have a heart attack!

    WALMART won’t let me shop there anymore….

  74. If you could lick yourself down there you’d skip right to your ass?

    Huh…

  75. So … Obama has the legal authority to defy Congress?

    I thought the article comparing Obama to Robespierre was SPOT on,

  76. Carin, my sister was thoughtless like that from her teens all the way into her late twenties/ early thirties. Right about until she started gaining an understanding (from having kids of her own).

    Toward friends in her social circle, she was totally helpful, loving, caring, and attuned to their needs. But not to her family. That thing you said about how your daughter was just thoughtless to her family really resonated.

    Sis simply had zero awareness of, and/or zero concern about, the people in her family who would always be there for her. She used to burn me for practical gain and then cast me aside, quite a lot. And Mom too.

    You can take your family for granted when you think that they will get over nearly any insult just because they love you.

    This is a shitty mindset but it is what it is. At forty+ years old, and mostly reconciled, it still hurts to think about how unconsciously rotten she could be. I love her, but she doesn’t ask me for anything anymore. I’ll still do things for her, but I refuse to be used.

  77. I hope to squash it from her before it’s fixed.

    But honestly – we’re so horrible to her. I understand why she behaves this way. You know – she’s THE ONLY kid in school w/o a car? And whose parents are paying for college.

    I cry just thinking about the mistreatment.

    I’M A MONSTER.

  78. She’s got Ian wrapped around her finger and he’ll basically do anything she asks him (although he will call her out when she’s being a bitch). Lunch? HE’ll buy it for her. Concert tickets? no problem.

    But yes. Friends are more important.

  79. Laura, my sister is the same way. She uses dad for a lot of things (he put her cell phone on his plan). She milked mom for money for years, and then decided not to invite her to the wedding. She treats people like crap and expects to be the center of attention.

    Right now she and her fiancé are living with his mother, who pays for everything while they both go back to school, including a brand new car.

  80. CA, my sister never wants to be the center of attention, and she has never really ‘milked’ us or been particularly spoiled. Just thoughtless and careless, and prioritized her other relationships over family.

  81. So … Obama has the legal authority to defy Congress?

    Insolent serf, how dare you question Dear Leader.

  82. You know – she’s THE ONLY kid in school w/o a car? And whose parents are paying for college.

    My kids were also one of the ONLY few in school w/o a car. We told them that if they really wanted a car, they’d find a way to purchase one. They realized they didn’t want one bad enough. That motivation came while in college.

  83. My mother bought me a car, and told me that it was up to me to pay for gas and insurance and repairs. That meant getting a job. Where I lived having a car was almost necessary in order to find a job, so it made some sense. Plus she was a single mom who worked an hour away from our town.

  84. Yeah, you need a car where we live. I was willing to drive them or let them use ours to get to and from their jobs.
    At college, they decided they didn’t want to use the bus – the shuttle at our daughter’s college is included in the price of living on campus, and runs all over town. So, they bought their cars and we helped with insurance until graduation. (they paid gas and any maintenance)

  85. I was the opposite. My first few years at school I didn’t have my car with me. It wasn’t until I moved off campus that I brought it down.

  86. Huh, exactly what i thought about the Oregon case, and what started it:

    https://reason.com/blog/2016/01/04/rancher-arson-case-that-inspired-oregon

  87. My folks didn’t give me a car…then again they didn’t give me shit after I was emancipated at 15… anyway I didn’t get a car til I was 19, hell, I didn’t get a license til I turned 18. Son turned 16 in Aug, I’ll be getting him a car later this year. It will be a beater, nothing more. Even if I could afford brand new…..NOPE! Earn it the old fashioned way lil turd.

  88. Jay, that was a funny damn story you dog!!

  89. I bought a 76 Plymouth Duster for $1200 in 1980 from my sister’s friend. I paid the whole enchilada from my part time jobs as a dishwasher and bus boy: car purchase price, insurance, registration, gas and repairs. It helped that the car was in pretty good condition and my older brother was a bit of a grease monkey. I was able to do oil changes and simple repairs like brakes, filters, tweakin’ the carburetor and radiators. The cars were so much simpler to repair back then. Drove it for 8 years.

  90. * block heater deployed *

  91. Evening.

  92. My 1st car was similar..70 something dodge (brown) duster with a straight six…so easy that even my mechanicaly disinclined ass could work on.

  93. Crazy Cat Lady knows some winos who are always jonesing for a bottle. For the price of a cheap bottle of vodka, I have a weekly housekeeping service. Ain’t America grand?

  94. As a recovering alcoholic, I can say with some authority that people who are jonesing for things are often less than trustworthy.

    YMMV

  95. Meh. They’re feather Indians. Very honorable folk, I understand. Plus they’re not left alone in the house.

  96. Just be careful is all I’m saying. I was not above stealing from family if I was low on cash and a few days from payday.

  97. plus one.

  98. My mom had a meth addict cousin take care of my dad after the court ordered restraining order. She would fill boxes with stuff from the house and put them outside for her kids to pick up. Once my mom moved my dad to ABQ, I would get phone calls from my mom as she discovered more and more stolen items. I was like “Duh. You’re the one that let a meth head in the house with a wheelchair bound husband”

  99. Chumpo!!!

  100. Glad you’re still winning

  101. Last pic, is it the horrid yellow shoes that make her feet look monstrous or does she have HUGE feet?

  102. They probably look that big because they’re in the foreground, oso.

  103. By the way, “Dance” and “Trolling” are expert-level tuckers.

  104. Emancipated at 15? Whoa. My sister got married at 17 to get away from my parents, which counts as emancipation.

  105. THX Sean. They’re creeping me out.

  106. Last pic, is it the horrid yellow shoes that make her feet look monstrous or does she have HUGE feet?

    You know what they say… “Large feet, extra tape.”

  107. Who wants me to try and upload coop pics from my phone?

    How much will you pay me not to?

  108. Nevermind, I just emailed them to Laura, though I just realized I neglected to get shots of the rooster bar, the feeder, and the indoor waterer.

  109. http://is.gd/NO_Jewstin_Choose_Life

  110. I think I used to drink at the Rooster Bar.

    http://is.gd/qF77Sq

  111. CoAl, clown feet creep me out.

  112. There’s a decent local chain called Twisted Rooster. If anyone visits we’ll likely go there if it isn’t grilling weather.

  113. Dang, I just found out that the building that place was housed in (along with the best Mexican restaurant in Berkeley) burned down in 2011.

  114. Building fires are rare enough anymore that I always suspect insurance fraud. Is that wrong?

  115. “Lightning”

  116. The fire was apparently an accident. Which was the result of neglect. I remember riding in elevators with expired permits all the time when I was up there.

  117. I’ve seen a business that had an actual lightning strike. The damage was pretty obvious and we’d had a hell of a storm the night before. That said, that was one time in 40 years of living in a state that has a lengthy and serious thunderstorm season.

  118. BEDTIME.

  119. Down to 14 degrees already.

  120. Thanks Leon!! I just saw your pics.

  121. Meh. They’re feather Indians. Very honorable folk, I understand.

    Not like those shifty dot indians, amirite, Tushar?

  122. How much snow?

  123. None.

  124. DOWN PUP-ster!!!!!!
    http://www.itv.com/news/granada/update/2016-01-02/liam-hewitsons-family-he-was-always-smiling/

    killed by your own dog –

    hmmm

  125. Some people here had been trying to sell their house for a few years, a mysterious fire burned the place down and they collected a hefty insurance check. There have been quite a few fires around here like that over the years.

  126. Pupster making friends

    http://tinyurl.com/whoapups

  127. “Comment by leoncaruthers on January 4, 2016 9:21 pm

    Building fires are rare enough anymore that I always suspect insurance fraud. Is that wrong?”

    i grew up in an area of new york state that was economically suppressed – (read here rural and picturesque and not new york city)
    tourism was the only real industry

    after the advent of jet engines and $99 fares to the Bahamas & Florida & any place but the Catskills, tourism crashed….

    long story short –

    there is a correlation between profit margins and lightning strikes in certain parts of the country – time of year is irrelevant.

    i assume that correlation holds true in other venues

  128. In NM, liquor licenses are a big thing. YUGE! Let’s just say that a little local bar that refuses to sell their license might have an “Accident” of a certain “Fiery” nature. IYKWIMAITTYD

  129. Comment by jam2 on January 4, 2016 10:16 pm

    I don’t get it. Who had the epileptic fit, the dog or the dude?

  130. CHICKEN POT PIE!

  131. WordPress mobile logs me out weekly. Pissing me off. I get pissy easy. My Tempe vacay was approved two weeks ago. Dan was messing with me. SQUEEEE

  132. NM liquor license scheme is built for graft and corruption.

  133. What six about NM liquor laws is how many restaurants serve dinner but no beer.

    That’s Bullshit.

  134. Pupster –
    the moral of the story is:
    never trust anyone named Liam

    #doglives matter

  135. Did anybody find out that they were mistaken about the effective range of anybody else’s homemade flamethrower today?

  136. Mistakes were made, beards were singed.

  137. PG, yep. All about graft and corruption. Pretty much NM history in a nutshell. Chumpo, NM limits the number of liquor licenses. Businesses compete for them. It gets ugly AND $$$$$.

  138. Singed?!!?!! Beard?? Cyn won’t be able to cross her legs for a month! You bastards!

  139. Eh, I told her she should get a brazilian.

  140. *strides swiftly away and shelters behind tiger-proof wall*

  141. Oooh yea, where have the beard updates been?

  142. Speaking of fires, it took the absentee owners of the (alleged whore)house catty-corner across the street from us THREE tries before they were finally successful –

    They kept forgetting that the fire station is really close….

    (This was over 20 years ago – someone had an absolutely gorgeous historic turret house moved on to the lot; rumor had it that Ginger Rogers had lived in that turret house as a child, but I never bothered to find out if there was any truth to that story)

  143. Kitty-corner?

  144. Cater-corner.

  145. As opposed to cooter-corner, where your mom works.

  146. LOL CoAl FTW.

  147. I’ll share here, too. Old messican wanted an electric blanket. Didn’t know mattress size. Doesn’t like getting in cold bed. I was trying to steer him toward pre-programmable heated mattress pad. His wife passed. She always bought linens. Viejo doesn’t know anything. Supposed to come tomorrow with mattress measurements so I can help him.

  148. That will be us someday, Oso.

  149. Dan found my story sad. I was leaning funny. Dan went full guilt mode about sleeping with dogs and electric blankets. Kind of a no no.

  150. Oooh yea, where have the beard updates been?

    Beard Update, Day 65: I initially thought I might give it a trim after two months, but it’s looking very full and manly as of late, so I’m letting it ride for a little while longer. Maybe another month, maybe more. My brother got me some of this stuff for Christmas, which is good for taming the mustache.

    (Taming the mustache is an excellent euphemism, by the way. Feel free to use it in everyday conversation.)

  151. put up a picture Mr. Bond.

  152. Look quickly!

    http://is.gd/WVZvnI

  153. That’s good.

    You should update PoL

  154. Maybe after I get my haircut tomorrow.

  155. akljdhakljdhfakldjsfhaaksdfasdjklfha!!!

    I got Sean M. rolled.

  156. Vman.

    My heart is with you.
    Hang in there, dude.

  157. I was following the derp, all swallowed in their coats
    With scarves of red tied ’round their throats
    To keep their little heads from falling in the snow, and I turned ’round and there you go
    And Michael, you would fall and turn the white snow red as strawberries in the summertime


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