MMM 202: Last post in my 30’s

I turn 40 tomorrow.  With any luck, my office won’t do anything stupid.  You people would, but you don’t work at my office.  But how cool would that be?  Oh wait, we wouldn’t get anything done, we’d just comment here and cook things on the PBC we keep in the parking lot.

Flowery booty.

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Jumping rope in heels is silly, but that’s my only complaint here.

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Meanwhile, at the yoga class Alex is missing.

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Flip flops.

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Breezy.

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Glistening (aka sweaty).

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Wedgie.

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And we close with a triptych.

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And so begins the last day of my 30s.  Soon I will be old, like most of you people.

152 Comments

  1. I don’t think that rope is used for jumping.

  2. leon you need to start your birfday bender NOW

  3. the only thing that would make this better is if this schmucks middle name was Richard:

    http://dailycaller.com/2015/12/06/va-cop-chose-the-wrong-beat/

  4. You think YOU’RE old???
    Get offa my lawn.

  5. Jam2, that is fucking outstanding.

  6. ww

  7. Jury duty today. I wonder if they’ll make me stay if I tell them that I think the system is entirely corrupt?

  8. I just finished a six month term as foreman of the local grand jury. Got to watch a suicide by cop from dashboard cam video last week. Pretty intense.

  9. Troy, the risk you have is being held in contempt. Be polite, answer truthfully when asked, and don’t mention the illuminati.

    Wear a Three Wolf Moon shirt, though.

  10. Jam, ain’t nobody got time for a bender. I have to take minutes at a parish council meeting tomorrow night. My folks came to visit on Saturday and we had a nice dinner out after a long visit. If I do anything else it will wait until Thursday at the soonest.

  11. I don’t think it could be any more gray outside. It’s unbelievable.

  12. I’ve testified in a number of civil cases involving labor disputes and was LE firearms and defensive tactics instructor. Around here, that history alone should get me dq’d.

  13. Dairy Queened

  14. Vanilla with the chocolate shell coating please

  15. Mmmmmm…..Blizards

  16. I should buy myself an ice cream maker for my birthday. I have ideas and the market isn’t serving my needs.

  17. ww

    Car in is just mailing it in, now.

  18. You get to watch snuff films at jury duty? I’ve been looking at this wrong.

  19. Look – you people don’t wake up when I tell you to anyway.

    What does it matter at this point?

  20. Things are getting ugly between all the various kittahs at my house. The two strays fight. Actually it’s all the one’s fault. It was fine when they all hide in various corners. But now they’re all deciding they want to be where we are. Battle royal.

  21. Garage kittah is stalking me right now. Wants to be petted. THere are rules with her though. DOn’t touch this spot or that. She just hopped up on my computer table then realized my other cat was already up there. She’d better not try to start shit. Cosmo will kick her ass.

  22. I woke up at 6am today and felt pretty good so I got up. The 4 hour nap yesterday helped a lot.

  23. Wait, it was only 3 hours, it just felt longer because it got so dark so fast.

  24. “Dairy Queened”

    does he have to wear the tiara?
    they should make him wear it

  25. I’m not sure I understand the point of these posts.

  26. The point, MJ, is Leon likes his “women” manly.

  27. When has there ever been a point to any post?

  28. Comment by mare on December 14, 2015 10:02 am

    When has there ever been a point to any post?
    =========

    Vlad liked pointy posts.

  29. vlad needs to return

  30. The only day there should be points is Friday.

    *denounces self*

  31. I have been saying for few years now that we could use a fellow like Vlad Tepes again. I suspect Europe will find one soon, or Mr. Putin will make the attempt on behalf of his Byzantine remnant. I’m hopeful for Poland, though.

  32. WTF, XBrad?

    http://tinyurl.com/pqgdq3o

  33. Hey Leon, did you see the gal I left for you on the previous post? Pretty sure if she had glasses and knee socks she’d be perfect for you.

  34. I saw her, Pepe. Pretty sure she’s Russian and on the juice.

  35. Cyn, I just made my reservation. They need to finalize something with you for the group, so I can get transferred to the group rate.

    Maybe they remember me from last time, and want to make sure you want me to be there.

    Just a hunch.

  36. Yeah, you’re a bit premature. I’ve not signed the contract yet; haven’t even gotten it but I expect to soon.

  37. Yeah, you’re a bit premature.

    I’m sure this isn’t a first for him.

  38. WTF, XBrad?
    —————-
    Don’t look at me, I’ve been mocking the LCS for close to a decade now.

  39. When I worked for GD, the LCS was something of a high-profile embarassment for me. Fortunately most people regard it as a LockMart product. My subsidiary only worked on the battlefield networking bits, and those never get negative press, so there’s that at least.

  40. Act now Cyn.

  41. I need a decoder for Leon’s last comment.

  42. Ornament Rack is up, presents arrayed underneath.

  43. General Dynamics
    Lockheed Martin
    Litoral Combat Ship

    My chunk of GD built the on-board networking for LCS.

  44. Premature?

    WTF?

    You said reserve soon to get the rate.

    Oh, well, when you finally get your act together, they’ll just transfer me to the group.

    I can wait.

  45. *whistles*

  46. *gets contract*
    *signs and returns*
    *gets asked about Hotspurt McGoo*
    *replies, “Never heard of him.”*

  47. Okay, so I deleted the email with the dates, hotel info, double-secret rate code, etc. Can someone post it here? (As opposed to 200 Replay All emails.)

  48. Date: February 26-28, 2016

    Location: Tempe, AZ

    Hotel: Stand-by for this detail! I don’t have the contract yet but when I do, I’ll let you know the secret code word for the cool-kids’ rate. I’m also arranging for the guarantee of 10 rooms to us.

    Car: None will be needed as we’ll walk/crawl to and from all restaurants and bars in the immediate area.

    For now, just book your flight.

  49. There’s a meat up?

    When and where?

  50. Thanks, Cyn.

    I might drive, though. It’s about six or seven hours from here, and I can visit my father’s old ranch in Gila Bend on the way home.

  51. Don’t get lost in Globe.

  52. Boston or Theater?

  53. When and where?

    I have no idea what you’re talking about. Swearsies.

  54. Paul – if you interested in carpooling, Mr. Chumpo is headed this way from SoCal thru Xbrad to here.

  55. Huh. So another myth crushed. Kim Kardashian can’t have another baby because of her difficult pregnancies. I though that bigg butt/hips was supposed to be a sign of her excellent breeding potential.

  56. MJ – we’re meeting at your place.

    Try to keep up.

  57. Cyn, do I have to converse with Brad or make direct eye contact? ‘Cause both of those are deal-breakers.

  58. I don’t think so Paul; I heard tell that Xbad was riding in the trunk, but maybe you keep that under your hat.

  59. Only if the butt was god-given, Carin. Kim’s has aftermarket enhancement, iirc.

    Or the public statement could just be cover for a tubal ligation or damage to her fertility brought on by STIs.

  60. *hides the weed and booze

  61. Wait… didn’t you already ship the weed and booze to me for “safekeeping”?

  62. Comment by Car in on December 14, 2015 1:51 pm

    MJ – we’re meeting at your place.

    Try to keep up.
    ========

    Yeah, it’s all part of the GND’s baby shower…….

  63. Sams Club Black CEO refuses to talk to suppliers – because they’re white…
    http://tinyurl.com/hvbro8f

  64. “Yeah, it’s all part of the GND’s baby shower…….”

    Ummm….am I missing something?

  65. MJ knocked up GND.

    Shotgun wedding.

  66. I don’t think so Paul; I heard tell that Xbad was riding in the trunk, but maybe you keep that under your hat.
    ———–
    I said I wanted to put my junk in your trunk.

  67. Oops

  68. H2 Babywatch 2016 is a go!

  69. XBrad’s from Oklahoma?

  70. My SS shit got mailed off today. They swear up and down that it’ll get there by Thursday. So if you ain’t got your shit yet, then be on the lookout this Thursday. If you have got your shit, then I ain’t your boy. Relax and enjoy life.

  71. “MJ knocked up GND.”

    SRSLY????

    Congrats, you crazy kids! When is the bundle of joy supposed to arrive?

  72. December 25th, in a manger attended by a bunch of sheep, asses and no Wisemen.

  73. You wanna yank your junk in my trunk whaa?

  74. Some of these are old, but still funny:

    http://www.boredninja.net/funny/40-design-fails-that-are-offensively-terrible/

  75. -Jerry Coleman baseball announcer on Mother’s Day

    “To all those mothers out there; happy birthday!!!”

  76. Why was I not informed of this?

    http://is.gd/wLCRNd

  77. Um, you have to be Iris to do that.

  78. I generally don’t peel them, just wash/scrub.

  79. Question is, does it work for sweet potatoes.

  80. Evenin.

  81. Oddin.

  82. A sweet potato baked whole in the oven peels perfectly, you don’t need to score it first.

  83. Why would you need to peel a sweet potato? I mean, you’re just gonna throw it right in the trash like any decent human being with an ounce of taste, right?

  84. Mmmmm….sweet taters.

  85. If you don’t eat sweet potatoes you probably are deficient in several key nutrients, the likely cause of your malfunctioning taste receptors.

  86. I got my Christmas ham today. It is rather a large ham. Next year I want a Christmas pig.

  87. You need to pull out of that spiral, Sean.

    I can help you.

    *fingers twitch*

    *edges closer to iron maiden*

  88. http://is.gd/aAjQlo

  89. I bought my first seeds for next year. Cucurbita maxima for the bit of forest I’ve been clearing out.

  90. You can torture me all you want. You can break and mangle my body. You can take away all the things that I love. You can drive me to the very gates of insanity. You can threaten me with death. I will never, ever, EVAR enjoy a sweet potato.

  91. What the hell is wrong with you, Seen?

  92. A sweet potato shot my Pa.

  93. OoooOOOooo, nice squash selection, Leon. I’d be interested to learn more about its resistance to powdery mildew/ grey mold. I know some other blue squashes like Hubbard are very susceptible.

  94. OMG I still have food growing in the garden and it’s seed-buying time again?? This must be heaven.

  95. By the way Leon, if you like broccoli, you have to try my method for getting tons and tons of tiny crisp florets produced in the Spring garden, when its still too early to even plant most of your other crops.

  96. I’m going to grow the pumpkin far away from my regular garden next year. I think the mildew is partly caused by excess watering, and this year I watered the whole garden every time, which was too much for the squashes but just enough for the nightshades.

    If I had any leafy greens they’d still be growing. It’s not “time” to buy seeds, I just really wanted to remember to get these for next year, and incentive-ize myself to clear more of that woody area and haul some of the pasture soil out there before the snows come.

  97. My broccoli bolted too early last time I tried it, not sure I want to try it again.

  98. Wiser!!!

  99. Cherry trees are blossoming around here.

  100. We may get snow again tonight

  101. My vincas are still alive.

    **awards self three pats on the back for contributing to the goddamn, fucking, shitheel, cocksucking, gardening poat**

  102. I need to find some free ESPN without getting aids.

  103. That was too easy.

  104. Snowing here now. Nothing kills vinca.

  105. MNF: This is a more interesting game than I thought it would be.

  106. It’s a playoff game for the Giants.

  107. Where are you watching that you’ve gotten rid of your AIDZ risk?

  108. The first row eu place. I suspect it’s Russian roulette, but I’ve been lucky. All of the others lock up my computer and ask for money to fix it.

    My mom recently fell for that one.

  109. How did her machine make out? Did they have to reformat the drive or were the good guys able to clean it?

  110. I just signed the contract for the hotel (I’ll follow up with a comment and an email when I have the okay for you guys to book rooms). In reading it, I remember now the one thing that I meant to do but forgot and didn’t last time – get insurance.

  111. And how is one of us not (or at least married to) an agent?

  112. They took control of it, but they installed nothing and removed nothing. I think they were just buying time to shop with her CC, or they were trying to make it look like they really earned $500.

    She had the charges reversed so they got nuttin.

  113. Glad for that.

  114. Gruden should write CoAlex’s dating profile. All the players are outstanding, amazing, “Let me tell ya, this guy…..”

    It gets pretty annoying.

  115. I’m usually telling Gruden to “shut up” within about five minutes of turning on any game.

  116. Chucky Gruden

  117. And how is one of us not (or at least married to) an agent?

    Agent? What do you mean by that? Imagine, an agent!

    *burns microfilm*

  118. Finished last Christmas program tonight

    Whoever my sekrit santa is, your gift wrap made me giggle like a leetle girl

  119. Twitter is broken again

  120. See man, you don’t plant broccoli. You plant an extra row of kale in midsummer, grow it well and (mostly) you leave it alone. In Winter you can go ahead and toddle out to the garden and snap leaves off it periodically. Around March the main stem will finally be withered and the kale will appear dead. But wait into Spring, and it sends up a few thick shoots.

    In a few weeks these plants will be covered with loose, broccoli-looking florets, you just snap them off and they are tender, mild, and delicious.

    This happens about the beginning to the middle of May around here. YMMV. It happened by accident the first time three years ago, but now I leave extra kale in the garden every year just to have this treat in Spring when nothing else is growing.

    This is one of those vegetables that would present too much of a land/ time investment for commercial veggie farmers, therefore you only can get them if you have a garden.

    Radish pods, too, although I think some asian grocers might sell them.

  121. I might try that. The leafy green I’m really hoping to get started is good king henry.

  122. Tiara Tip: When draining your refreshing beverage, be very careful how far back you tilt your head. (SYWM)

  123. *glances over glasses, sips using straw while wearing crown*

  124. *orders straws drop-shipped to errybody *

  125. Tiaras and gardening.

    Yep, it’s the H2.

  126. My secret santa gift arrived today.

  127. kale is lettuce that said “fuck it”

  128. *I stole that joke*

  129. Did anybody fail to see why anybody else was so upset about the mural that they so graciously painted for free on their garage door today?

  130. My gift arrived also.

  131. It’s amazing that Eli can walk after these vicious hits…… *sarc*

  132. Somebody gave Penelope some Kale. She hated it.

  133. I tried kale, I was underwhelmed. Prefer spinach.

  134. One of my favorite Cheers episodes: “You can really taste the kale!”

  135. I like Kale. I H8 cabbage.

  136. I misremembered: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gfv_E5KKrY

  137. GINTS!

  138. My sister in law, who is a lesbo although that’s immaterial to this particular story, once let a guy live in his van in her driveway for several months. His diet was exceptionally heavy with kale and he smelled like a goat’s ass. I’m unsure as to the level of correlation.

  139. Supposedly, my keen sense of smell means I’m some kind of freak. My hearing is suspect, too.

  140. Tiara Tip 2: Be very careful when emptying bathroom trash to keep freakshow from eating Q-tips. Not old people, but actual Q-tips

  141. I do a kneel and sweep motion.

  142. I got my S.S. Present.

    It’s mysterious.

  143. Kneel AND swap, you say…

    Hmmmmm

    that’s so crazy it just might work.

  144. Cooking blog:

  145. Well, sweet potatoes killed it dead.

  146. It’s all too much for me to take
    The derp that’s shining all around here
    All the world’s a birthday cake,
    So take a piece but not too much

  147. You know what really sucks? Insomnia.

    FML.

  148. About two to three nights a week I’m with you Colex. But last night I slept pretty good. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.


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