Server LIfe

Side work. The bane of servers.


There is NOTHING you can do when this happens – but the old dude is pretty much never going to give you a good tip.


Actually – I need a shirt for when I’m waiting on a table and the table in my view interrupts me for something stupid.




No explanation necessary for this.


We’ve been over this before …


A table stole one of my most FAVORITE MUTHAFOCKING PENS a few weeks back and I was pissed for hours. There is NO FUCKING WAY they thought that pen was theirs. It was SILVER and said MOTOR CITY BATTERY COMPANY on it.  Ugh. I’m getting mad all over again. I gave it to them by accident (I never hand over my favorite pens to guests) and paused for a second at my mistake but thought “That nice old couple won’t steal my pen.”



Usually I can eventually figure it out. Sometimes I cannot.


I’m baaaack.    In my (sorta) absence I’ve been getting a fukksize amount of stuff done around the house and finally finished book 5 of GoT.   I want to kill that asshole author.   Seriously?

THORSDAY (whew – quick edit since I forgot)



  1. Diet Coke. No ice.

  2. [secretly replaces CoAlex’s diet coke with regular coke]

  3. Let’s see what HAPPENS!!??!

  4. Honestly – when is that motherfocker Martin going to write book 6? I’ve got an idea – IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE ABLE TO PROVIDE CONTINUATION FOR YOUR INCOMPLETE STORY LINES … DON’T START WRITING THE BOOK.

    Honestly. he could pair down the characters by about 50% and stop introducing NEW (boring) characters … and perhaps finish ONE plotline.


  5. tl/dr

  6. Heh. What kind of sauce would you like with those wings?

    What do you have?

    Ranch, tangy BBQ, zesty BBQ, hot sauce, sweet and sour, blue cheese, and pizza sauce.

    What was that?

    Ok, I’ll have ranch.

  7. Ok I’m done entertaining you ingrates today.

  8. He’s too busy refereeing the Sad Puppies.

  9. Jimbro – there’s effen pictures and everything.

  10. I’ve got my dad trained on the tipping thing. It only took tipping over him for about a year.

  11. Dad: What are you doing, I already tipped!

    Mom: $5 on a $50 bill isn’t a tip

    Dad: But that’s 10%!

    me: *throws another 5-10 on, depending on the service level

    Dad: *fumes

  12. The thing I don’t understand is when grandpa wants to pay for everyone and EVERYONE knows he’s a sucky tipper and no one stands up and throws down a little extra cash for a tip. Occasionally it happens but often everyone just looks like “oh well … nothing I can do!”

    The other awful situation is one person (usually older ) asks for the check FIRST then someone else later asks for the check. The rule everyone pretty much goes by is whomever asks for it FIRST. A lot of the time – the angry person who doesn’t get the check (I don’t get the anger thing – people are weird) says “Well you just made the WRONG decision because I’m the better tipper.”

    People have gotten really pissed about this (again??? It’s not our fault) and seemingly pleased that you’re now going to get screwed for a tip.

  13. hate hate HATE when I see that happen, Car in.

    Usually the person getting indignant will NOT be the best tipper. The loud ones never are.

  14. Esplain to your dad that the server is getting taxed on 13% of their sales (and 100% of their charge tips) PLUS they are tipping out various people who help them (bussers/ salad/expo/bar at our restaurant). Tipping 10% means that they’re getting taxed – on that bill -for money they didn’t make.

  15. I basically don’t understand why people come into a restaurant unhappy. I’m always happy when I eat out. Some people are just miserable I guess.

  16. Oh he gets it now. He just wasn’t adding in the scale. Just like most people of his generation. They were a frugal sort.

  17. *gives real coke to three-year old.*

  18. To cut = pare, not pair.

    And Martin is a jackhole.

  19. Good and true poat, funny little baby.

    I did my time serving muthahfuchahs lunch and dinner. It wash’t all bad but people ended up bugging the shit out of me.

    For Reals.

  20. Chumpo – it’s a mix of good/bad people. Some nights it seems like it’s 100% though.

  21. Can someone explain Leon to me this morning?

  22. I gots a question for the Tech minded.

    Microsoft Security Essentials is:

    A) The best.

    B) A PoS

    C) Better than other Freeware but not as good as paid security suites

    D) Forget it, Chumpo. just accept the zombification of your pc.

  23. Even before he was President, when Obama went out to eat he always tipped with a picture of himself, knowing without doubt that is what the server really wanted.

  24. You said Martin the jackhole should pair down the characters. You meant pare.

    And Martin is a jackhole because he took the SJW side in the Hugo debacle.

  25. So this is where you assholes are hanging out today.

  26. I thought the other post was just daid.

  27. Carin is a good tipper. I have real world experience with her.

  28. You’ve experienced her tip? Just the tip?

  29. Chumpo, the answer is C. I use it, but I’m careful what I do. It’s good for a base scan, and catches the really dumb errors.

    I have more warnings with AdAware.

  30. Thank you, Jay.

  31. Hotspur paid the bill so of course I tipped well (although I always tip well). That is one time you can easily make a server’s day – because you ate for free.

    Another time – gift cards.

    I always find it amazing when folks eat with a gift card and then are stingy with a tip. YOU JUST ATE FOR FREE??? What other opportunity to have to be so generous?

  32. Because that’s your JOB! SERVE THEM!

  33. Phuck that shit J’ames.

  34. I think God is saying something here:

  35. Can’t wait until Obama meets with the kid who invented that cool clock took the cover off a cheap radioshack clock and passed it off as his own creation.

    I think that really symbolizes the Obama presidency.

  36. I wonder if he’ll be able to bring his “clock” with him. Maybe dad will try and slip the real thing in this time.

  37. That kid was put up to that by his asshole muzzie dad, who tried to provoke an incident. The left fell for it hook, line and sinker. Fuckhead Obama couldn’t keep his nose out of an opportunity to scream racism.

  38. [withholds comment for fear of black helicopters]

  39. Of course Hotspur. That people are stupid sheep … people wonder how Hitler was able to do what he did.

    NO one – living now – should wonder.

  40. I have to go clean out my “Goji berry” corner. I planted them two years ago or so and now they’ve really taken off. They are spreading very nicely so I need to go get rid of some things so they can spread even further.

  41. I got out of bed for this?

  42. Our very cute, very sweet young server at the clubhouse somehow has gotten it into her mind that I want Diet Coke, instead of regular.

    Every damn time, even when I remind her.

    Good thing for her gratuity is already included in the bill.

  43. *cries at Xbrad’s plight

  44. Here XBrad, have a goji berry shake!

  45. I have to go clean out my “Goji berry” corner.

    Worst euphemism ever.

  46. Hey – it’s supposed to be a superfood or something. It was too expensive to buy them at the health food store. Now I have Goji berries everywhere.

  47. Cyn, are you over The Plague?

  48. Cyn got the Plague?

    [dons Hazmat suit]

  49. You know what would have helped her with that?

    GOji berries.

  50. Your mom likes my goji berries, too.

  51. This fucking pope can take his lefty bullshit and shove it right back up his ass where it comes from in the first place.

    Clean up your own messes, you fucking shithead.

    I would have walked out on the cocksucker.

  52. Yeah!

    Fuch that Commie.

  53. No; it’s hanging on like a mofo.

  54. I’m sorry, Toots.

    That’s F’in Bullshit. Do you have an epi pen?

  55. Toss the Epi pen. You need a Goji pen!

  56. Waiting for my dental appointment. My hygienist is good. Doesn’t hit my gingiva too much with the professional water pik she uses to blast the tartar away.

    Tartar? Tarter? Calculus?

  57. Plaque

  58. My data renewed today too Carin. I’m down with your struggle. I use more in the summer at camp where the Internet sux

  59. This fucking pope can take his lefty bullshit and shove it right back up his ass where it comes from in the first place.

    Yeah, if 60 Minutes is drooling all over him, you know he’s a sonar blip away from moonbat. He’s as Catholic as Obama is Christian.

  60. Did you try rubbing bees on it? You should rub some bees on it.

  61. Worst euphemism ever.

    Ha! Cyn’s funny. And sick, both figuratively and literally. Figurally? Litatively? Figuratittially.

  62. Tittially whaaa?!

  63. Someone who loves you all, how many bullwhips do you have shoved up your ass? Right now.

  64. Tell the truth.

  65. Up my ass is not the way to my heart. It’s through my funny boner.

    And 7. And two dog toys.

  66. Wow! That’s half as many as Jay in Ames!!!

  67. Yeah, Compos and his boner are here!!

  68. Jay is quite the slut.

    Hi, mare. Doing well, I trust?

  69. Can’t recall if I’ve ever stopped by to comment on what you all have done with the place, but the wall is awesome. I want to take a drunken group piss on it.

  70. You trust correctly! Welcome back, tool!! Miss your special kind of humor.

  71. Mare … I could use a musing about now.

    chop chop

  72. Ok everyone. This is not a drill. I may have to kill my daughter.

    I repeat. This is NOT a drill.

  73. “…group piss…”

    Lemme finish this beer.

  74. What?1 Again?1!

  75. Gotta love those teenagers.

  76. Which status bestows the greater sense of over-inflated self-importance:

    Senior in high school


  77. Excellent poat, btw, Car in. Used to wait tables meself. Used to have large parties of bun-heads (I think they were Amish or German Baptist, or one of the other lesser faiths). Table of 12 – 16. No tip. God forbid if the hostess was pissed at you, cuz that meant she seated them in your section. Made sure I was always in their good graces.

  78. hahaha, Carin!

    Kill her, you have lots of other kids.

  79. Since I’ve never been a bride-to-be, I gotta go with the Senior thing.

  80. We get some religious group – the women are allowed to do their hair in weird fashions but that’s IT . I should look up what they are. Poor tippers. Weird to boot.

  81. I do have plenty more. Mare is wise.

  82. Pentecostal. A lot of things like this:


  84. Huh. Weird. Won’t link right.

  85. Here’s more.

  86. Huh. Weird. Won’t link right.

    Maybe Someone with a capital S doesn’t like you bad-mouthing the hair-weirdos.

  87. I kinda like the infinity sign/double bird nest thing.

  88. Which status bestows the greater sense of over-inflated self-importance:

    Senior in high school

    You’re daughter is getting married? Congratulations! When’s the baby due?

  89. Pentecostal’s lose their minds and speak in tongues, ala De Niro Cape Fear.

  90. When’s the baby due?

    You know you’re a redneck when you let your 14 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table. In front of her kids.

  91. “You’re daughter is getting married? Congratulations! When’s the baby due?”

    You know that’s just your anger at me coming out.

    I’m sorry but I’m not sending my daughter out there for a bride.

  92. Three sheep and four chickens.

    Final offer.

  93. What do you want the sheep for *wink, wink*

  94. What kind of chickens are we talking?

  95. Knittin’ wool, and long walks in the park. And cosplay. Lots and lots of hawt cosplay.

  96. I’d be willing to pay in silkies, depending on how well she churns butter.

  97. That had better not be a euphemism.

  98. LOL *snort*

  99. Alex would be a good husband to her, Carin. Take some time to consider it.

  100. Maybe Someone with a capital S doesn’t like you bad-mouthing the hair-weirdos.

    Blame wiser. That’s what the rest of us do.

    Hideous picture. Well done, sir.

  101. Make sure you pin him down on what he means by “silkies”.

  102. Jay, are you “Making Gyros” tonight?

  103. no, but I’m “throwing darts”.

  104. The hair weirdos make the women all sit at one end of the table and it’s their job to mind the children. You know, while the men talk.

  105. I’m “going to Zumba”.

  106. In college, there was a girl on my floor who was a Pentecostal. She about had a cow when someone took her picture while she was wearing shorts (it’s what she wore to bed). They’re not supposed to wear pants — short pants, long pants. Underpants, okay.

    She was a rebel….and I promised I would never show anyone.

    I don’t ever remember her wearing her hair all big.

  107. Car in makes them wear their hair that way.

    It’s the only possibility.

  108. I’ve known quite a few Pentecostals. There were a bunch in my high school. Some had seriously big hair.

    I don’t know that any of them made it out of high school still in that church.

  109. One of the OR nurses is a Pentecostal. She is adept at her job but always reins me in when I let loose with the F-bombs..

  110. You may find this informative.

  111. Paula worked with one. Uses the words “Pentee-costal mother fucker” to describe her.

  112. I don’t think they have those Pentekrishnas around these parts.

  113. They outlawed Christianity in Kalifornia, right?

  114. I started watching that video and at first was like, “lol.. stupid, who would be willing to…oh, okay…oooh, curls….that’s kind of pretty…looks like she’s having fun doing up the hair…oh, super-pretty! She’s really good with hairspray….OMG I love that Big Pentecostal hair!!!”

    Wow! That’s one good reason to go to that church. What fun! It’s like you get to play Barbie every single morning!



  117. The hair is kinda cool except those women walk in with all eerily similar styles. Step ford wives is what it makes me think of. Me with me short hair- I can only imagine what they think of me.

    Oh yea. I’m a badass muthafocker.

  118. Hmmmm. Is this one of your kids?

  119. What the fuck are you people even thinking?

  120. Lazy ass.

  121. Carin is a Bad Ass.

  122. Carin has a Bad Ass.

  123. Untrue unless she really let herself go.

  124. Bad means good. At least it did back in the day.

  125. “Comment by Car in on September 24, 2015 9:43 am

    I’m always happy when I eat out.”

  126. Did anybody kind of regret telling anybody else that they would die alone and unmourned because they forgot to take the trash out today?

  127. No. She deserved it.

  128. anyway –

    i eat out a lot – it’s a business thing.

    one of my best client’s is a sour puss, woe is me, the sky is falling, call a counselor cause imma hang myself kind of guy. He’s actually kinda creepy around good looking waitresses… (My wife can’t stand him – I think she’d prefer it if i lost his business)- He is … strange…

    he’s always trying to see what the bill is and has told me a few times that i tip too much.

    i tip generously – always have – with him around i tip even more though, because he’s such a sour and snarly bastard i don’t want the wait staff to fuq with my food or serve me cold or old coffee, or worse… we go to the same places over & over &over & over again…. they know us –

  129. spit….

    he also has a bad problem with spitting and sneezing all over the place when he talks, exhales, moves, thinks too hard, gets worked up about his boss, talks about sports, and / or generally metabolizes…

    I’m damn near like Monk when he’s around. Last week he got up from the table, grabbed a napkin, sneezed into it like he was yelling into a megaphone, and was able to cover me and the guy next to me with stuff –



    I headed to the nearest rest room to bleach myself down – he said,
    “That’s the women’s room, the men’s room is around the corner”
    I said,
    “They won’t mind”


  131. What does your client do – for a living – not blow chunks on people, jam?


    You are not yourself when you’re hungry.

  133. Beanseseedefesekdjfgkhakldhfjkhlkaqedshjnfg;d!

  134. PIGGEH!!

  135. I been waitin’ all day for Thursday Night

  136. It’s almost tomorrow.

  137. Ooo that’ll put me that much closer to waitin’ all day for Sunday Night.

  138. 1 went out on a Thor’sday night…

  139. Is… is that allowed?

  140. Poor jam. Yuck

  141. This is how I’ve been fitcrackbazooming at my haus.. It’s advanced. I’ve lost all teh pounds, now I’m a hologram.

    Do not start this program less’n ye want to have to buy a whole new wardrobe due to radical fitness and vitallities.

    ye have been warned.

  142. Hi Car in, Mrs. Cyn, and Chumpo.
    The departure time for my fishing trip was postponed long enough I do not have to take Zeke and Gabe over tonight.

    This place is uncomfortably quiet without them. I am a happy camper tonight.

  143. This is kinda cute:
    “Tim Blair, Oz reporter, writes of his trip to Tejas:
    “Texas is like Australia with the handbrake off,”

  144. Have a great time, Vman!

  145. Congrats on your loss, Mr. Chumponoodle!

  146. What’s up, V?! Home alone Partay!!

  147. Thankee Cynee

  148. Thanks Chump.

  149. Yeah, Guy. Fish on!!

  150. Ha!
    This is very Rich!
    In Sept. 2014 I had a sleep study done.

    In Sept 2015 I was billed for $20,000, x 2 because I had another sleep study done in Sept 2014.

    If I go off the grid I will be in the jungle of the Amazon, or the Arctic tundra.
    Your guess, and kiss my ass sleep study knot hole f**kers!

  151. Vman,
    Go to court, change your name, and vanish…

  152. Did anyone else go to the ER this morning and end up admitted to the hospital 7 hours later?

    Stupid abscess….

    (I’m gonna be fine – guess I made the right call when I told DD#3 that I needed to go NOW; my potassium level was “scary low”)

  153. When it comes to rhythms, Derp is your savior
    Follow us for the funky behavior
    Make a note on the rhythm we gave ya
    Feel free, drop your pants, check your hair

  154. ye have been warned.

    I think Chumpo might be pulling my leg a bit.

    New bewbs.

  155. Hope you are feeling better, TiFW.

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