Upon Which We Discuss Never Fucking Moving Again

As a very wise and stupid man once told me, “there are few things more stressful than moving. Possibly marriage or divorce, but moving will bring out the inner Mare the likes most of us can not fathom.”

This is the visual representation of when MJ and GND decided that they could take care of moving her shit all by themselves:

Afternoon, Day 1: GND flies to Charlotte so we can go to a concert because packing is for assholes

DMB-live

Night, Day 1: GND and MJ decide that while the concert was really fun, continuing to party like teenagers would be a really good idea.

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Morning, Day 2: Flight back to St Pete at 9am.

Exhausted drunk couple passed out from partying

Afternoon, Day 2: Upon entering GND’s condo, MJ realizes the magnitude of the situation.

Bloodsport-OHMAHGERDDDD

Night, Day 2: Further exploring the thesis of packing is for assholes, GND and MJ decide to spend all night with her friends drinking wine, making dinner, swimming, drinking wine, and drinking wine.

Heap-of-champagne-bottles-photo-posted-on-Pinky-Beach-Mykonos-Facebook-page

Very, Very, Very, Very  Late Night, Day 2:

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Morning, Day 3: MJ and GND awake fully prepared to actually start packing and moving

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Afternoon, Day 3: MJ and GND on the road with 10 hours to go

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Night, Day 3: GND and MJ call a truce and decide to spend the night in GA.

www.mnn_.com_

Afternoon, Day 4: Unpacking is pretty easy, and not for assholes. All of the recent memories of wanting to kill each other have faded a bit but one thing is certain; no matter the cost, we will never move ourselves again. It’s all love and dreamy bruises…

the-violent-kind-bloody-kiss

132 Comments

  1. shoulda called scott – he coulda sent the one shoed drunk down to help you

  2. So far, all my moves have been from one rental place to another. These were stressful but manageable.
    Now I own my house, and the amount of stuff has exploded.

    But I have a plan for my next move:

    Hire a trash dumpster and throw in all the furniture. It is not worth moving to a shiny new place. Throw in all kitchen stuff, except for a handful of nice appliances and dishes. They have provided their utility, and can retire now. Throw in any article of clothing that has not been worn in one year. Throw in any toy that has not been played with for 3 months.

    Put the stuff that remains in boxes, and tape up.
    Hire a crew to put the boxes in a u-haul, and to take them out at the new place. Yell at them for scratching the big screen TV.

    Have a drink.

  3. Mrs. Pupster has a congenital aversion to downsizing, organizing, throwing away non-necessities. We are working through it but it is highly stressful.

  4. Garage sale day 2 is a bust. Nobody stopping by today.

  5. Goodwill donation center is about to have a BIG DAY!

  6. I moved a lot as a kid (not military; parental success=moving to bigger places) so I have very little that was saved from my childhood. I now have a serious aversion to throwing stuff out. Selling this place in a few years is going to suck balls.

  7. Send Mrs. Pupster to a day spa, set everything you want to get rid of on the curb with a ‘free to good home’ sign on it, and take a nap on the couch with Nessie.

  8. Pup – had my tax guy tell me a few years ago that if you’re making a big dump to charity, take some pics to support your donation.

  9. Also MJ, I have a theory about women’s cosmetics, they appear to multiply like cockroaches and fill every flat surface, drawer, shelf, and cabinet in the bathroom, and will begin to dominate the rest of the house if not kept in check.

  10. I heard one or two of these as a kid:
    http://imgur.com/a/y87hh

  11. Dave Barry recommended just burning it all and buying all new stuff.

    http://www.amazon.com/Homes-Other-Black-Holes-Barry/dp/0345394402

  12. Back when the TiFW’s kids were younger, we told all of the kids at the family reunion that “The river doesn’t open until 10 o’clock”.

    That story is now being told to a second generation of Mr. TiFW’s relatives….

  13. GND says that she doesn’t have much make up or clothes.

    She is also training for the Olympic Decathlon of Lies but these two things are totally unrelated.

  14. Mr. RFH says I have a lot of shoes, making me sound like Imelda Marcos. “Lot” = “more than 3”

  15. I rented a two story house when I moved back to bumfuck in 94. The owners were moving out of the house and into the house next door which they had just bought. They just took the fence down between the two houses and walked everything from back door to back door. It was a clusterfuck.

  16. In 1975, when my dad changed jobs at NAS Whidbey, it also involved moving from one set of quarters to another, which just happened to be next door.
    The Navy paid the movers to come and literally move us next door. And they STILL lost stuff.

  17. When we built this place, it was so close to the old farm-house that you could touch both at once.
    We just marched all the shit out the back-door, into the attached-garage and up the steps.
    Easiest move, evah!

  18. Just had a real nice family of undocumented Americans stop by and buy all the tools I had out. I guess their relatives back in southern America live in some kind of commune and need tools to work the land to grow peppers, beans and onions or something.

    Buying the crap Americans won’t buy anymore.

  19. Gotta watch those ‘undocumented’ garage sale buyers. They switch price dots.

  20. >>Mr. RFH says I have a lot of shoes, making me sound like Imelda Marcos. “Lot” = “more than 3″

    Translation: Roamy has 47 pairs of shoes. 47 is more than 3.

  21. >>GND says that she doesn’t have much make up or clothes.
    >>She is also training for the Olympic Decathlon of Lies but these two things are totally unrelated.

    I don’t think she is lying.

    No woman, in the history of mankind has EVER thought that she has too much makeup stuff and clothes.

  22. I must admit, you’d think I’d look like a supermodel with all the bullshit make up, creams, treatments, various shampoos, lotions and what not.

    I think I had at least three full boxes of that crap.

    Mr. Mare: What’s all this stuff for? Do you want me to carry this out for you?

    Mare: Those things represent the investment I’ve made trying to continue to look attractive to you and not become part of the world that has stated via their looks, “I don’t care what I look like anymore!” I think that, much like taking care of your house and yard, as part of a social contract with the neighborhood, people should try to look decent. And most certainly when they are in a public environment. I’m trying to avoid being featured in a “People of Walmart” blog. I care and I’m not ashamed of it!”

    Mr. Mare: Look, I have no idea what you just said, and I don’t have the time to understand, do you want me to carry this to the truck or not?

    Mare: Yes please.

  23. So my pit barrel cooker arrived yesterday about 30 minutes after I left to go back to camp. When I got home today there was a huge box sitting by my garage. Times like these I tank teh Lord I live in a podunk town in Maine. After mowing the lawn I started the charcoal and hung two racks of ribs. Now the waiting begins.

  24. I think Mr. TiFW has more shoes than I do.

    I know he has more watches than I do.

  25. No woman, in the history of mankind has EVER thought that she has too much makeup stuff and clothes.

    Ahem. I have one eye-liner and one mascara. No lotions, no creams, no perfumes. My beauty needs no enhancing. I’d have to beat people off with sticks. *cough*

    Don’t have a lot of clothes. The husband yells at me sometimes to go buy some.

    We probably have the same number of shoes.

  26. Mr. Mare: Look, I have no idea what you just said, and I don’t have the time to understand, do you want me to carry this to the truck or not?

    HA! See, you don’t need the stuff. He doesn’t even know.

  27. No lotions, no creams, no perfumes

    Allergies and headaches.

  28. He doesn’t even know.

    ——–

    Yep, no idea.

  29. Mrs. Pupster doesn’t buy most of the stuff, her mom buys it and gives it to her to try out. We have hand lotion and lip gloss containers on every flat surface, in every drawer, and between every seat cushion. Handy.

  30. Mare, my wife just read the dialogue between you and Mr Mare. She is laughing hard.

  31. Pupster, buy her these:
    http://www.amazon.com/Closet-Complete-Hanging-Jewelry-Organizer/dp/B00A2C0LQE/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1438544860&sr=8-10&keywords=jewellery+hanger

    They are about the size of a suit cover, and can accept most makeup items. 2-3 of those should take care of most stuff.

  32. MJ, this post is excellent. I have not talked a lot about my moves but suffice it to say I understand and only wish I’d got to do the “party like teenagers” part before each one.

  33. And after.

  34. Mrs. Tushar and mare are simpatico. She understands the struggle. She must be a good one.

  35. The problem with buying more organizers and storage is it encourages the cosmetics to breed faster.

  36. Mare, the Mrs said, “all you men are alike.”

  37. http://is.gd/clever_girl

  38. I’ve lived in the same house since 1999 and dread the day I’ll have to move. Paula and I figure we’ll eventually live full time at the lake in a larger house and will sell both this house and our camp. It is predicted we will make the move in 5-10 years. By then we’ll have much more shit to sell at a yard sale.

  39. By larger house I mean bigger than our existing camp which is cozy but not spacious.

  40. Besnsnsnsns, it’s an odd paradox (?) that although I do buy and use a lot of that stuff I am a very low maintenance female. Even my husband would say that (and has). I don’t have a lot of clothes or shoes, I don’t go to spas or get treatments (although I’m not against it, just don’t want to spend the money) and have never had any cosmetic surgeries. I get ready faster than my husband and I don’t really care where we eat out as long we both enjoy it. My hair is rather long…way past shoulders and I get highlights but I had been going to Fantastic Sams where my guardian angel always leads me to someone who leaves to go to the “it” place to work (meaning, she’s excellent).

    Also, I found $20 and there’s this face cream (SYGDWM) that I’ve been eyeing.

  41. We’ll probably be moving in 2017.

  42. http://is.gd/I_had_no_idea

  43. We’ve moved and yet we have not moved our belongings so a move is in our future in January of 2016. Uffffffff

  44. Heh, water the kitty!

  45. Now on the other hand, I like my house to look great.

  46. Got some big projects to get done first. Carpets need replacing, wallpaper needs to come down….lots and lots of painting.

  47. Half a bottle of Crown makes Mrs. Pendejo look good whether she’s wearing make up or not.

  48. Scott, that is exactly what I am doing too. I have not started looking for my next house, but I am sure I am not going to live in this townhouse for the rest of my life.
    I am done with a kitchen, a bathroom and one room. Second bathroom almost done. Some new flooring in living room, painting, and this place can be put on the market.

  49. When you go to sell, Scott, you’ll be glad you did all of that…

  50. Comment by pendejogrande on August 2, 2015 4:43 pm
    Half a bottle of Crown makes Mrs. Pendejo look good whether she’s wearing make up or not.

    ——

    HA! Remember when you only needed one shot?

  51. That needs to go to mare’s musings when wiser returns from wisertopia

  52. I have never liked this house and I’ve been here 27 years. The location couldn’t be more convenient as the interstate is 30 seconds away, and the yard is nice. http://is.gd/oL8HiX

  53. Mare, my wife just read the dialogue between you and Mr Mare. She is laughing hard.
    ————————
    GND thought that was hilarious.

  54. Nice, Scott.

    There are always trade offs with a house. Unless you are very wealthy it’s hard to get exactly what you want where you want it. However, if that does happen, stay. Loved my home in Texas, would have had that house anywhere. But anywhere else we would want to live, that house would be $750,000 or more.

  55. *high fives GND*

    Did she live in St. Pete?

  56. Did she live in St. Pete?
    —————————————
    Yep. Lived in St Pete.

    She single handedly supported the wedge market. WTF is a wedge? I thought it was a salad.

    It’s tall shoes.

  57. MJ, I don’t know what the heck I’ve been doing, but I had no idea you actually got married. Engaged I thought…I’m so very happy for you and Mrs. MJ.

    It’s going to be a great ride! And all you whores can just shut your mouths.

  58. Damn, our timing is weird. I’m moving to St. Pete. Not our dream destination but hit a number of marks on our list. First and foremost being near but not too near our daughter.

    Downtown St. Pete has really stepped it up, it’s pretty great. (Not that we ever go out)

  59. 27 years ago the wallpaper in the bedroom was really dated.

    It’s still there.

  60. Carpet is out of most of the living room, laminate flooring is acclimating. Time to watch how-to videos for tips.

  61. I need this……http://is.gd/1pqvHJ

  62. Where we are staying now has the coolest laminate. It is wide planked and really looks like wood, kind of beachy… I really like it. Soft on the feet and quiet.

  63. I was inspired by this poat to clean out the shoe closet. Mini-me was the Imelda, though granted she has been growing, so there’s at least the last three shoe sizes in there. One bag for the garbage, one bag for donation, and one neat shoe closet.

  64. Mr. TiFW has moved everything out of the room next to our bedroom – into the room we just finished remodeling. Been fussing at me about “all this crap you bought and never used”.

    Had to tell him that almost all of the stuff belongs to the TiFW children….

  65. I need this……http://is.gd/1pqvHJ

    That was freakin cool. I’ll bet that last wave kicked his ass though.

  66. Scott, that is fantastic! Got to show my husband that right now.

  67. MJ, I don’t know what the heck I’ve been doing, but I had no idea you actually got married. Engaged I thought…I’m so very happy for you and Mrs. MJ.
    It’s going to be a great ride! And all you whores can just shut your mouths.
    ——————————
    We’re engaged but not married yet. She moved here after she convinced her boss to let her work from home.

  68. Well, I’m incredibly happy for you, MJ.

    Don’t screw this up!!!

  69. http://is.gd/LyMNnI

  70. Thanks mare!

    Downtown St. Pete has really stepped it up, it’s pretty great. (Not that we ever go out)
    ———————————-
    True story: GND was out having dinner with a friend on Beach Ave.

    My sister and brother in law were at the table behind her. Sister had to work in Clearwater for 2 months and brother in law flew down for the weekend.

    Small town, St Pete.

  71. Good day, people who are starting to think that new short summer haircut was a bad idea.

  72. I’m moving out of my apartment at the end of the month. Where, I don’t know. This will probably be the last easy move.

  73. SeanM you need to link that tapir video for the kids here. I saw it on our twitslut.

  74. MJ,
    Good luck, you two.
    We’re all counting on you…

  75. Well, pendejo, normally I would yell “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!!!” at you for telling me what to do, but that is a pretty amazing video.

    http://www.iflscience.com/plants-and-animals/how-tapir-scratches-itch

    SFW if you work at the Tapir enclosure at a zoo.

  76. I assume Jimbro is eating delicious ribs and ignoring us.

  77. Paula is smoking Jimbro in the PBC.

  78. Mmm, long pork ribs.

  79. Hey pepe, any tips on laminate flooring installation?

  80. And Snoop is smoking Indo in the LBC.

  81. Didn’t Tushar just put in new floors?

  82. That jetski/motorcycle thingy would be the best getaway vehicle ever.

  83. Jay,
    Have extra saw-blades on-hand.
    The Armstrong laminate we put in ate them like candy…

  84. Not really, J’Ames. We had a power miter saw that made cuts easy. The flooring really went together pretty easy.

  85. Scott, yes I did.

    Jay, don’t even think about doing them unless you have access to a table saw and a Miter saw. Make sure you drive a lot of screws in the subfloor and make sure there are no squeaks. Use Spax screws. They are good. Keep you measurements tight. Unless your light and other situation dictates otherwise, lay the boards lengthwise along the longer wall. That will mean less cutting. Buy a $10 laminate floor installation kit from HD. It is worth it.

  86. oh, and a sliding miter saw is so much more useful than a non-sliding one.

    The way I figure, I spent the same amount on tools that I would have paid for labor. But now I have tools for a lifetime.

  87. ChrisP, Diablo sells an expensive ($60) blades that is just for cutting laminates. Totally worth it. I did one room, and it still cuts like butter.

  88. Tushar,
    Our friend had his compound 10″ mitre-saw in the front room that he was using to cut the door and window trim. He couldn’t figure why the blades were going dull so fast.
    It was, of course, that we were using it to cut laminate.
    Oops…

  89. Smart tool blog.

    Smart Tool blog.

  90. The ribs were amazingly good and simple to make. I had a moment of panic when I realized I didn’t have charcoal lighting fluid and the corner store didn’t either but I improvised and overcame that minor obstacle. Paula and the boys stayed at camp and missed out. I sent her photos of the barrel in action and she was impressed with the whole process. Can’t wait to do some chickens in there!

  91. Ah, Tool.

    *cuts*

  92. Pick up a charcoal chimney. You’ll never need starter fluid.

  93. starter fluid brings weird taste. Charcoal starter chimney is good.

  94. Here, Puppeh, listen to this instead. It’s what I currently have streaming at work.

  95. Seconding the charcoal chimney suggestion. I never used starter fluid. Only newspaper and a little vegetable oil.

    Thanks Tushar. I have a table saw, and I’m picking up a miter saw.

  96. Starter fluid is for stump removal.

  97. While looking for starter fluid out in my garage I came across my little Webber charcoal grill and a bag of charcoal, still unopened. I don’t think I’ve used charcoal in over ten years so I totally forgot about the lighting process. I shaved a piece of fire starter for my wood stove into little bits and got it going that way. I’ll be picking up a chimney and some fluid this week.

  98. Your mom leaves a weird taste in my mouth.

  99. Jay, after a lot of research, I bought Cobalt (Lowes’s house brand) 10 inch sliding compound miter saw for $200.
    http://www.lowes.com/pd_358938-46069-SM2507LW___?productId=3512785&pl=1&Ntt=cobalt+miter+saw

  100. Jimbro, don’t use fluid. Use the chimney with either paper wads or those little paraffin cubes.

    http://www.amazon.com/Weber-7417-FireStarters-Lighter-Cubes/dp/B001AN7RGG/ref=sr_1_3?s=lawn-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1438563444&sr=1-3&keywords=charcoal+chimney

  101. >>Your mom leaves a weird taste in my mouth.

    She loves the way you use your tongue.

  102. Chimney +/- cubes it is!

  103. SeanM I apologize for suggesting that you share an interesting video w the kids. They’re obviously too pumped about how to install flooring to care about seeing an enormous tool.

  104. PG, we are talking about tools tough enough to cut through the Aluminium Oxide coating on laminate flooring. You guys are talking about a tool that scratches an itch.

  105. Glad it worked for you, Jimbro. 2 racks of ribs by yourself? Impressive.

  106. Flooring is pretty exciting, pendejo.

    I mean, how you gonna keep ’em down on the farm once they’ve seen a Cobalt 10 inch sliding compound miter saw?

  107. My SIL kindly asked me if I’d like to have the king-sized afghan I had crocheted for my MIL and FIL. I said yes. It had taken me nearly a year to make, and I liked the colors. I don’t remember exactly when I made it, somewhere between 20 and 25 years ago.

    Well, now I have it back, and I don’t know what to do with it. MIL must have fried it in the dryer at some point, because it’s kind of crunchy-feeling. There are places where the yarn is pulled out by the dogs climbing up on the bed, and it looks pretty worn.

    I hate to throw it away because that was a metric shit-ton of work, but I can’t see using it, either. Damn.

  108. I got full near the end of one rack so I cut the other one up and put it in the fridge for tomorrow night’s dinner. Even so, there were some meat sweats near the end of it.

    http://is.gd/Ig8Rfa

  109. It’s what I currently have streaming at work.

    http://is.gd/rF4Kyg

  110. Kobalt

    /Hotspur

  111. Has anyone seen Hotspur and Mare at the same time?

  112. I didn’t think so.

  113. Roamy, stuff that afghan into a duvet cover and love it forever.

  114. I’m gonna try and half-ass an MMM poat before the dryer finishes my work clothes for the week.

  115. Or just stitch a couple king-size sheets over it and use it as a warm middle-layer of bedding.

    Oh, wait. You guys probably don’t layer bedding down there in Winter, do you?

  116. >>Stuff that afghan into a duvet.

    Um..

  117. oh, like you never

  118. That sucks Roamy. Still, all your hard work provided years of warmth and comfort, so it was not in vain.

    I had an old comforter that was handed down 3 generations, it was nothing fancy, the core was my great uncle’s army blankets sewn together, and my grandmother covered them with some super soft turquoise colored flannel. My sister and I used to fight over it as kids, it was stupid heavy and warm but soft. It was always draped over the couch in the family room, I have many many family pictures with this comforter in the shot. The flannel was patched so many times it looked like Frankenstein.

    It finally met its match after a couple of years of service to my family, and just sort of disintegrated after one too many trips through the washer.

  119. MiL started an afghan in 1964 while pregnant with Dan. My mom is the crochet, quilt, knit, latch hook, blah blah blah. Finished the afghan MiL started in ’64 in 90. MaryAnn is a fabric eater. She ate the afghan in 2006. MA ate 2 of the 3 quilts my mom made. See also hawaiian fabrics/quilts bought in Hawaii. MA is the prettiest Dachshund ever. Saved her life

  120. That reminds me of one of my treasure that I took with me when I moved away from home.
    Back in the ’50s, before he worked at Tektronix, my dad worked at Portland Woolen Mills. I had a nice blue wool blanket from those days.
    Shortly after we got married, Anita, who had never dealt with wool, washed it and put it in the dryer…

  121. MMM @546am.

  122. Leon, hope the baby and mommy are settling down into a nice routine

  123. Sometimes. We’re still having some cluster feeding issues, but it’s down to just once a day.

  124. Did anybody really wish they could get that hour of their life back after asking anybody else if anything was wrong today?

  125. I may be a pack rat. I have nothing from my youth. 18 years in the Condo. Dan has more camping gear than a regular guy should admit to. My BOOKS are the problem.

  126. My mom made a quilt from my parents bowling shirts on Taiwan. I have friends that want to buy.

  127. Mr. Beasn’s oma and her church group would make baby blankets for each other’s grand and great grandbabies.

    Oma made one for beasnette, when she was born, out of sweatshirt fleece turned inside out. So soft. Beasnette slept with it until she went off to college. She keeps it here and pulls it out when home… usually in winter. It is startng to get threadbare.

  128. Surely sumpn has happened since then.

  129. Aw, man, this sidebar-related thing sucks…

    http://www.cbsnews.com/news/kaiser-carlile-bat-boy-hit-in-head-during-game-dies/

  130. Aw, man, that’s awful. Our team, too.

  131. I told that girl I could derp right away,
    And she said, listen, babe, I’ve got something to say.
    Got no car, and it’s breaking my heart,
    But I’ve found a driver and that’s a start.


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