Hi Saturday. Nice to meet you.





  1. It’s an ill-uuuuuuuu-sion.

  2. I had my first buzzcut in years the other day. Earlier in the day I stopped by the barber shop downtown and there were no parking spots. Later when I got home Paula was giving the boys haircuts and I got in line. It’s actually longer on the sides than my typical cut. Top is definitely shorter.

  3. Hair is a waste of time.

    Time to mow.

  4. Simply amazing

  5. Thank you all for your condolences. Granny was a very special lady who lived a very full life. We’re gonna miss her, but we are happy that her pain is ended and that she is at peace.

    Her service is scheduled for next Saturday. They are expecting 200+ people to attend. It will be pretty amazing.

    Then they are planning s memorial service for later this summer the the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, where she was a long-time member of of board. That one should have a even larger attendance.

    I guess if you live to 104, you make a lot of friends, especially if you are a person like her.

    In case anyone is interested, her autobiography, which she published 12 years ago, at age 92, is available on Amazon Prime.


  6. Hillary is running on a promise to raise wages.
    She might as well promise us free cars.

  7. Free FLYING cars, or GTFO.

  8. This poat is full of glitter and unicorn farts.

  9. Hi everyone, how are you today?

  10. Good. You?

  11. Hello, doughnut lickers

  12. Hey Scooter, there is a help wanted ad for a pallet repair person here on craigslistface. I guess they pay min wage until they train you up, and then pay per piece. What is a repaired pallet worth cash monies?

  13. Grocery shopping binge: Complete.

  14. What did you splurge on?

  15. Podcast recorded! Now for post production.

  16. Ok, ok, I get it

  17. “What did you splurge on?”


  18. if peepee were around, i ass u me he would say –

    your mom

  19. Greetings, ops both pre and post.

  20. btw –
    mustache boy is saying:


  21. This is getting ridiculous: http://is.gd/rwkSdF

    If a Sea Princess candidate can’t fly the Stars and Bars in Maine, the SJW’s have won.

  22. Why is she eating grass?

  23. MAine is a weird place, huh? Yankee rednecks.

  24. Yankee Rednecks are surprisingly common: http://is.gd/QgijlL

  25. Why is she eating grass?


    Broken goat?
    No penis available?
    Weeds are tasty?
    Lasagna gardening?

  26. I have a Mexican flag that I bought to fly at the family camping trip. I should’ve gone with the CBF.

  27. I’m so over humidity. Even when it drops to the 20s, it’s only for a few hours and not long enough to dry everything. So tired of monsoons.

  28. NZ accented salty language. Not freaky.


  29. Keeping my fingers crossed that the monsoons keep coming. Decent start, but we still need rain, so suck it up Oso-buttercup and send rain my way. ;)

  30. Pepe, I can’t get over how green everything is. I guess I can have 3 fans, 3 ceiling fans, and a portable AC going 24/7 if it helps you out. We haven’t used our Swamp Cooler in over a week.

  31. Green? What’s that?

  32. Halos in first at the All Star break?

  33. They’re in first right now because the Astros lost, oso. They still have to play tonight up in Seattle.

  34. You know who else is in first, oso?

  35. Your mom?

  36. Shhh. Sean, I knew that. I have faith. (Ignores J’ames.)

  37. I had friends tagging themselves at ballparks today. Didn’t realize right away that one of the Seattle tags was Mike Trout. D’oh!

  38. TMI3 sang O Canada in KC today.

  39. mmm, mongolian beef in 15 mins.

  40. Nice, oso, thanks!

  41. Why you no order City Beef? Stupid Mongolians!

  42. I like Mongolian Beef on a flour tortilla

  43. Strange early summer here.
    Usually in the 70s with some showers.
    Instead, we’ve had a month of 80s – 90s with no rain.
    The lawn is pretty dead but we’ve watered the garden some.

    The old saying about corn:
    “Knee high by the 4th of July”?
    Our sweet-corn is 7′ high, as are the snap-peas.
    The Hibiscus trees are blooming two months early!

    Most of the PNW gets their water from the melting snow-pack in the Cascade Mountains.
    We had a winter that lasted two weeks, in November.
    After that it was warm and wet.
    The snow-pack in the Cascades is Zero.
    It’s gonna be an interesting summer/fall, especially for the city folks…


  45. ChrisP, my dad and I took a train across Canada once and I could not believe how much water they have there. We need a pipeline.

  46. What is this “wa-ter” you speak of?

  47. Last year and this have been crazy. Rain all the time and I doubt we have hit 90 degrees.

  48. Jewstin, not at first, right?

  49. First time Dan went to MO as he kid he wondered who did all the watering? Silly desert dweller.

  50. Referring to the not naked allegation.

  51. Well, Lippy, I might have shown some cleavage. A little.

  52. Well well well, look what the cat dragged in.

    Hi lippy!

  53. Tom Selleck does all the watering, duh.

  54. Haha, I want a Tarp Man tshirt from Pittsburgh.


  55. Sean, it’s this thing that is incredibly plentiful except where a state fills up with illegals and refuses to take basic measures to provide it.

    I was out watering yesterday and was hoping for someone to attempt to drought-shame someone holding a hose.

    The place where I’m staying only has a few succulents outside but they got the watering of their lives.

  56. ROFL Jay!


  57. We are water poor but Delta Smelt rich, so we got that going for us.

  58. Come for the beaches, stay for the baitfish.

  59. I am playing Assassin’s Creed which is crazy Fu, but I saw a disclaimer that said ‘This game was developed by a team of people from different ethnicities and religions’ which made me want to barf.

  60. Okay, this is just SAD.

    WTF, O?

  61. Lipstick!

    Furlough or early release?

  62. My roommate works for a construction company doing finishing work on residential properties. Today he brought home a book signed by C.J. Box. I think that’s pretty nifty.

  63. I think I will let him live even though he completely destroyed the kitchen when he boiled a dozen eggs.

  64. How do you get egg shells on top of the fridge?

  65. Hey Scott! Early release.

    They fell for the “Oh I’m so sorry and am a completely reformed character” crap.

  66. How do you get egg shells on top of the fridge?

    Same way you get to Carnegie Hall.

  67. suckers.

    Nice to see you.

  68. I just finished “Ready Player One”. Facedouche friend said if you liked “The Martian”, you’d like “Ready Player One”. I did like it, but the beginning had a few moments of major eye-rolling. America is a dystopia due to global warming. The author also dropped a major rant about how religion is all b.s. that made me wonder if he was an atheist, trying to set up the hopelessness for the hero, or the nuns smacked him with the ruler too many times.

  69. Even USMC is falling to PC:

    Sad, it is…

  70. ChrisP, that is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read by Steyn, and that includes America Alone.

  71. Did anybody tell anybody else that they were pretty sure a healthy person’s sweat isn’t supposed to smell like that today?

  72. Roamy,
    Those nuns with the rulers were vicious, relentless, and justified…

  73. Roamy,
    Yeah, I would think that after this long on the job, but no.
    I guess “The Constable” could use some “Wall To Wall” counseling, as we used to call it in that “large group of men who dressed alike and followed each-other around”…

  74. Mark Stein is an amazing treasure. You’ll be snortling as he tells you just why things are going to hell in a handbasket.

    He’s a good sport about personally autographing his books with things like “To my good friend, the brilliant [Lipstick]” if you get them through his site.

  75. Whatever it is that’s fucking up the weather in the Pacific Northwest is evidently helping us out here in TX. Texas lakes have caught about 4.5 million acre feet of water in the past 3 months. Lake Travis, just north of Austin has risen 43 feet during that period. Some of the lakes in western central TX and the panhandle are still sucking bad but most of them are looking really good.

  76. PG,
    That would be GOD.
    He is laughing at us, and rewarding you. It is deserved. The lefties in the PNW spit at GOD, and HE rewards them. Their loss. Your gain…

  77. This the first time I’ve poated here on a Saturday while sober in a long time. I’m pretty sure my sentence structure is better when I’m drinking.

  78. Who is sober on a weekend?

    *Shuns Pendejo*

  79. I’m sober. For now.

  80. Crap PG!
    I routinely have to detain 60 or 100 acre feet of stormwater. On some very large projects (over 10,000 acres) detention is on the order of thousands of acre feet.

    Just so you know 1 acre foot is 1 acre (43,560 sq ft) 1′ deep or 43,560 cubic feet of water. 1 cubic foot of water is 7.5 gallons.

    Doing the math that is 1.5 with 12 zeros after it gallons of water. Rounded slightly up

  81. Xbad,
    You have not cracked the Bushmills yet?
    I want your sister to adopt me.

  82. Stll sober here. Not drinking until the Cards game is over.

  83. I’m waiting for an appropriate occasion to crack open that Bushmills. Something important, special.
    Like when I finish the bottle of cheap vodka I already have open.

  84. Heh, X

  85. I got cut off early. Fine line between buzz and blackout

  86. I find it much easier to hide every other drink in strategic, out of the line of site locations.

    How many have you had?

    How many have you seen?

  87. Who is sober on a weekend?

    Um, yeah…what a freak.

  88. I’m soberish.

  89. Comment by osoloco11 on July 11, 2015 11:47 pm
    I got cut off early. Fine line between buzz and blackout

    Fine line between nympho and corpse.

  90. Long line between your mom and the Bang Bus.

  91. Blerg

    I loved ready player one. Just got two of my boys to read it.

  92. I don’t want your money honey
    I want your love
    I don’t want your derp baby
    I want your ah!
    I don’t need your friends
    They don’t need a mention
    I just want your love
    And all of your attention

  93. http://tinyurl.com/q4l7o69

  94. Morning.

    *squirts Jam with spray bottle*

    Stop licking my window.

  95. For a long time now, when I dream, I’m much, much younger.

    Wish casting?

  96. “Dream Yourself Young” by M. Mare.

  97. Immediately trademarks:

    Dream Yourself Young™


  98. Someone asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

    Apparently, ‘in high definition’ was the wrong answer.

  99. heh

  100. Wakey wakey

  101. http://is.gd/ToYYDP

  102. Shia LeBeuf (magic unicorn fingers in the post) use to be so naturally funny. There was a show that my girls and I use to love to watch on Disney called Even Stevens and it was really good. The high school gym teacher was called Coach Tugnut (a classic).

    One of my favorite episodes, shia’s character wants to get the cool shoes but they are too expensive, on the show I think they called them Quazies.

    Anyhoo, before he went insane, he was a funny kid.

  103. Especially concerning the “immigration debate” John McCain needs to STFU.

  104. He should be Jeb’s running mate.

  105. G’morning Tugnutters

  106. Bush McCain sounds dirty.

  107. *hands Scott an antibacterial wetnap*

  108. Tugnutters, sounds like a cookie I would eat.

  109. Hi Mare!
    What is the latest on the move?

  110. Vman, I am currently going through the panic stage of choosing from the current options. Last night I was thinking, “Nope, too this, too that, no, no, no”, on one we decided on.

    On a marina but surrounded by not so great neighborhood. Not single story (so lots of stairs), but right kind of price, new construction, close to airport and freeway, closeish to daughter, close to beach. Would absolutely not go to one grocery store, another nearby is better but not great.

  111. The area we are looking around in is old so anything single family in our price range is kind of a dump, would definitely need remodel or at least a ton of work. I’m afraid of a money pit. But on the other hand you get exactly what you want.

    My husband was really happy we had a couple of options so quickly. He can’t take a lot of time off from working to look. He gets back into town today and I’m anxious to hear if he has second thoughts too.

  112. What general location are you looking at?

  113. St Pete.

    Also Lakewood Ranch which is REALLY nice but is not close to our daughter, a little bit more expensive and getting to the beach is a 30 minute through Sarasota ride.

  114. If you are looking at LWR take a look in 34209 zip code. It is close to the water, parks, shopping, etc. You can find anything from $150k to 7 figures. The only drawback is getting out of town. SRQ is 10-15 min away, and the Skyway to St. Pete is 15-20 min, TPA is 45 to an hour.

    On the plus side some of the nicest beaches in Florida are 10 min west.

  115. Thanks Vman.

  116. Update on forehead spider bite.

    Situation: Much, much better, no necrosis to happen…I think.

    Pro tip, NYX Wonder Pencil in medium to cover hideousness.

  117. Mini-me had a sleepover last night. I think she does this to make me appreciate her that much more. One girl was just hyper, one was unending snark, and one occupied the bathroom for at least an hour and a half.

    I can tolerate hyper until 11PM, then I’ve had enough. I like snark when it’s funny, but if I ask about a whitewater rafting trip, and I get, “There was a boys’ boat, which was mostly boys. There was a girls’ boat which was mostly girls. There was water, and it was white sometimes. I rode in a raft, I was in the girls’ raft, and we went down a river. There was water, and we got wet…” all in a singsong kind of voice where the pitch rises at the end (sort of like, “This one time at band camp…”). Ok, enough, not funny. And four people took showers in the other bathroom (not at the same time, you pervs) while the one solved differential equations in the steam on the mirror or something. I was going to channel my mother, knock on the door, and yell, “DID YOU FALL IN?”, but Mini-me intercepted me.

    tl;dr OMG teenage girls.

  118. Your spider bite is healing nicely, Mare.


  119. Hopefully they will have teenage girls of their own one day in the future.

  120. Just not too near future.

  121. Yes Roamy, I should’ve specified in 20 years. I can’t imagine what the world will be like in 5 years much less twenty.

  122. My teenage girls don’t do the over night thing much. My boys do overnights all the time so I’m more used to hordes of them around.


  123. Anyhoo, before he went insane, he was a funny kid.

    LOVED Even Stevens.

  124. Yoghurt dill stuff: done.
    Baja sour cream: done.
    Chili: simmering.

    Do I want to bake some bread?

  125. Cornbread goes good with chili

  126. The boys have occasional overnights guests but mostly in the summer at camp. Usually on a night where I’m not waking up early to work the next day or when I’m on vacation and I have more patience.

  127. I don’t have any corn meal. I do have a big bag of garlic. I could make a savory loaf with whole cloves of roasted garlic.

  128. Do you have a bag of dicks? Eat a bag of dicks.

  129. I made several savory loafs this morning after a cup of coffee.

  130. hahaha, xbradtc, you scamp.

  131. Good Morning, Mare.

    I cleaned the front courtyard, and the garage this morning. Need to dustmop the hallway and kitchen, and then get cleaned up and head to Costco.

  132. Every time I’m tempted to buy one of those type bumper stickers I realize it will make my truck a target for some unhinged leftist. I don’t want to come out to a keyed side panel.

  133. Roamie at 12:10…….lil snarkie teen girl sounds so much like my sister’s teen daughter that it made me want to slap her for you. My niece is so totally like that. Glad she lives 800 miles from me.

  134. http://is.gd/15KJLM

  135. Hi.

  136. http://is.gd/7nStU4

  137. For Xbrad.


  138. Plug spawn have been plugged after felling two trees to make stumps. Sore hands after axing and hammering.

    No baby yet. Going for walk now to urge things along and tire out the doggeh.

  139. Will a jury convict for killing a roommate when he sets foot in the kitchen? I think that’s justified right?

  140. Leon, “making love” may also help to induce labor.

  141. Yes it is justified, Jewstin. Especially considering you sound like a great cook and are willing to do it.

  142. Why do I have making love in quotes?

  143. Cause you’re too classy to say fuck……….on a Sunday.

  144. I love to cook, Mare but my roommate thinks the kitchen is an indoor tool shed.

  145. Thanks, PD.

  146. Xbradtc, were you a Ranger?

  147. .lil snarkie teen girl sounds so much like my sister’s teen daughter that it made me want to slap her for you.


    A slap in the face is exactly what they need…and to know exactly why.

  148. Uh oh, I may own this thread again…..bitch was a little uppity last time.

  149. 41 mother fucking boxes of books packed. Took me all day, because I had to unfold and tape the boxes.
    When the movers get here Friday they are going to shit bricks.

  150. Also I have four boxes of CDs, LPs, cassettes, DVDs, and VHSs that each weigh a shit ton.

  151. Hopefully you packed them into book boxes. If you didn’t, they’ll get even.

  152. Thanks, Pupster, I’d seen that album on a few veterans pages. Carl can EABOD.
    Xbradtc, were you a Ranger?
    I went to basic training right next door to the Ranger School at Ft. Benning. Used to see the guys going through what was then called “city week.” Didn’t look like fun.

    Because my initial enlistment was for only two years, the Army wouldn’t let me attend any fun schools like jump school or Ranger School. And to be honest, by the time I realized just how hard being a plain old grunt was, I wasn’t really very enthusiastic about the thought of Ranger School.

  153. I packed them into the small boxes that Home Depot sells. And then didn’t pack them full. If I struggled to lift it, I took books out.

  154. “You mean I’m not supposed to pack books in the wardrobe boxes? Look, they all fit!”

    /Mrs. Pupster

  155. I bought 70 small boxes this weekend. I have about ten left, which I’ll need next weekend to empty the rest of my war room.

    After the move is finished, what’s a good way to give away the boxes, Scott.

  156. A slap in the face is exactly what they need…and to know exactly why.

    I didn’t slap her, but I gave her the hairy eyeball look and said, “I understand your mother more now.” (Her mother had a good rant about one of the other daughters, who cut an “E” out of brown construction paper then went around asking people if they’d like a brownie.)

  157. Craigslist.

    You can also spread them out on the lawn wherever you want the garden to be next year.

    Also good in mulched beds as a weed blocker.

  158. That many cardboard boxes would make a nice dumpster fire.

  159. The guy called 911 to report Confederate flags. I hope that no one had a REAL emergency like a heart attack or a car accident while this wimp was having a case of the vapors.

  160. People resell the boxes on Craigslist or just give them away. That’s where I got mine.

  161. Hotspur, you know I feel your pain.

  162. I didn’t slap her, but I gave her the hairy eyeball look and said, “I understand your mother more now.” (Her mother had a good rant about one of the other daughters, who cut an “E” out of brown construction paper then went around asking people if they’d like a brownie.)

    hahahahaha….kill the family line.

  163. “You mean I’m not supposed to pack books in the wardrobe boxes? Look, they all fit!”
    /Mrs. Pupster


    HA! Rookie mistake. Books always go into the small boxes. Unless you have Hulk on your payroll.

  164. I had a guy bring in a wardrobe box that needed to be shipped to Australia. It weighed 175 lbs.

  165. I just saw a guy at UPS argue when he called in his measurements the cost was $160.00. When they measured it in the actual store it was $180.00. The final price agreed was $178.00.

  166. The man also contacted Mayor William W. Dickinson Jr., who immediately asked Wright to determine if any laws were broken.

    “I had to check with the chief over what is actionable and what isn’t,” Dickinson said. “Unless something violates state or federal law, there’s no jurisdiction for government to do anything. We had to ask, is it something controlled by law?”

    Really? Fucking really? You have no business being mayor of a fucking town in the United States of America if you do not instantly realize that no, there is no fucking law against selling either Nazi or Confederate memorabilia, whether original or reproduction.

    Fucking fascist prick was hoping to find some way of siccing the power of the state on people engaging in lawful commerce.

  167. Mate, when are you moving?

  168. Hotspur, our place won’t be finished until January. I can stay here at my friend’s until the end of October (she says stay as long as I want).
    We technically moved June 25th. But we won’t be in our new place until this January. We will either rent a place near our daughter or take an offer to stay in a place of another friend in a New Smyrna Beach golf community until the new place is done.

  169. Mare, I wouldn’t enjoy being betwixt and between. It’s bad enough adjusting over a few weeks. So, I hope you get in to your new place as soon as possible.

  170. And, yes, we do sound like grifters.

    But I must admit, all the times people have offered seemed very God driven in terms of timing and circumstance. These are friends I haven’t seen in years and one I (where we are staying now) we haven’t seen in 10 years. They just love us and want to help.

    Humbled for sure.

  171. Mare, I haven’t met you, but I bet if I knew you IRL, my house would be open to you and the Mr.

  172. Stay the fuck away from my house unless you want to do the cleaning and cooking.

  173. Hotspur, I really dislike being in transition. Really, really dislike.

    But part of my journey is adjusting to what is… and not what I want. And considering the options I’ve been given, which are amazing (via friends), it would be a sin to complain about circumstances.

    I am currently in a gorgeous golf/tennis community on the east coast, wherein via our hosts we have a Beach Club (on the Atlantic) with pool/restaurant/etc., and golf, driving range and pools to enjoy on the intracoastal.

    And this friend was “thrilled” we could use her place while she was gone.

  174. Thank you, Hotspur.

    Xbradtc, cooking and cleaning is the least of it, I’m driven to leave any place I occupy better than when I first got there. No, not psychotic about it, just so grateful, I don’t want anyone to regret offering.

    *I once stayed in a condo (I paid for on a vacation) and it was so clean when I left the left, they returned the $200 NONrefundable cleaning fee.

  175. Just, just…

    *takes off glasses, rubs temples*


  176. Xbrad, I’ll just come kill the spiders. Then you and I can hang out and talk about how awesome I am, and how Navy is so superior to Army. IYKWIMAITTYD.

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