It Ain’t Charlotte’s Web

Some time ago I saw an ad for help wanted at a pig farm.


“Gee,” I said, “I like animals and have worked on plenty of farms, plus the money looks right.  Imma be a pig farmer.”  Sure as shooting, I’m a pig farmer now.  However, I feel that I may have made a grave misunderestimation of the situation.

On my first day the Boss Man said, “We’re going to start you out pressure washing one of the barns.  We have shower caps, rain hats, coats, hip waders, gloves, and aprons.  I never wear any of that stuff, but you can if you want.”

Retard Power:  ACTIVATED


No, It actually happens quite often.


“How bad could it be?” says I, and grabbed an apron.

“Dude.  You are sooooo fucked,” says the universe, and collapsed in a puddle of hysterical laughter.

Boss Man led me down a dim, creepy corridor.  An idle thought flickered through my mind; Could this be an omen?  Nah.  Omens are silly superstitions.  I marched cheerfully on.

Abandon All Hope

Abandon All Hope

A half mile later I was ushered into the most remote barn in the facility.  He gave me a quick demonstration of the pressure wand, and left me to my piggie fate.

The pig pens are built on platforms above a sluice.  It’s a sewer for the hogs called the Pit.  Every now and again they have to be cleaned out, which is where the pressure wand comes in.  It liquefies all of the waste that has accumulated under the platforms and can be flushed into a catchment pond.

Anybody from California can tell you that liquefaction comes with some unpleasant side-effects.

The first and most startling side-effect was the rats and mice that boiled up from the Pit when I pulled the trigger.


We will eat your face while you sleep.


I did not scream like a girl.  It only sounded girlie because the Doppler Effect kicked in when I ran.  And really, it was hardly a scream at all.  I would call it an extended shriek.

The second side-effect was the smell.


Eau de Putresence

When the offal liquefies, it releases an unholy stenchified miasma.  It hangs in the air like an oil slick, so thick and vile you can actually taste it.  My eyes watered, my throat itched and burned, and only an iron grip on my gag-reflex prevented me from adding my own waste to the Pit.

The miasma is sentient.  Some portion of it had attached to me like a lamprey.  I became Peanuts’ Pig Pen brought to life, ambling about in my own personal cloud of filth.

I did not have breakfast that day.  Or lunch.  Or supper.

And finally, we have the third side-effect.  This is where things get interesting.

Dante did not mention this circle of hell.  What a jerk.

Dante did not mention this circle of hell. What a jerk.

When you fire off a jet of high pressure water in a confined space, you get some significant blowback.  Try to wash out your bathtub with the spray attachment on your garden hose.

The wand used in the Pit is rather more powerful than that.  Random fountains of slurry erupt from between the slats in the pens and rocket into the air, showering down on the poor bastard standing behind the wand.

Dear God!” I screamed.  “It’s in my mouth!”  I let my jaw hang slack, slobbering and drooling and spitting for fear of swallowing anything.

In minutes my face was splattered and streaked, pig shit oozed down my neck and under my collar, my coveralls were saturated from the waist down, my feet squished in my rubber boots, and my hands looked like I was wearing black, elbow-length gloves.

If only.

If only.

For eight hours I worked in a rainstorm of porcine diarrhea.

Because of certain health concerns, there are bio-containment procedures in place to prevent spreading disease.  We all shower before and after each shift.


The shower I used at the end of my shift had five different varieties of body wash and two of shampoo.  I used them all with no result.

When I got home I grabbed a bottle of Pinesol and took another shower.  Pig stench laughs in the face of Pinesole.  Other things that do not work include Chlorine Bleach, peroxide, Scrubbing Bubbles, Spic and Span, Comet, Apple Cider Vinegar, peroxide with baking soda, mouth wash, Windex, two additional flavors of body wash, Irish Spring, and some sort of Peach scrubby stuff.

My shaving kit.

My shaving kit.

In desperation I decided to go steal some gasoline from the lawn mower.  I grabbed a towel to go to the garage when I saw a bottle of Lysol stashed in a corner of the linen closet.

Back in the shower it was.  The Lysol stung like a bitch where I had scrubbed my skin raw.  I finally staggered out of the bathroom, stoned out of my gourd on household cleaners.

But, I had won.  The stench was gone, and all I could smell was the sweet perfume of victory.



  1. There’s alotta words up there.

    Is there going to be a quiz later?

  2. Ha ha ha ha ha!

    *cough sputter cough*

    Aaaaha ha ha ha ha!!


  4. You left the protective gear behind, but did you bring the mints with you?

  5. LOL Holy shit that was funny, Jewstin.

    “Dante did not mention this circle of hell. What a jerk.”


  6. I did not scream like a girl. It only sounded girlie because the Doppler Effect kicked in when I ran.


    I am still laughing at this line.

    Oh, Jew, good to have you back.

  7. Even the title is great.

  8. The Day No Pigs Would Die.

  9. Wonderfully told, Jewstin. Sounds like a wonderful first day!

  10. Hahahahahahahahaahaha.

    I love me some Jewstin.

  11. Author! Author!!

  12. Hockeytown.

    Good jerb, Squirrel

  13. You should see me now. When I have to clean the Pits, I kit up like the CDC. It’s a shame they don’t have gas masks.

  14. PJ can’t access the H2 from work. I was trying to set up a Poultry Girl v. Pig Boy match up. I suck as a promoter. Don King has nothing to fear.

  15. Driving by pig farms at 65 mph makes me gag. I’m glad you’re on the front line protecting our pig meat Jew!

  16. Do you work with any Mooslims?

  17. I don’t know if there are any muslims working there. But there are a lot of hillbillies.

  18. jew, define “Hillbilly”?

  19. Back in the shower it was. The Lysol stung like a bitch where I had scrubbed my skin raw. I finally staggered out of the bathroom, stoned out of my gourd on household cleaners.

    But, I had won. The stench was gone, and all I could smell was the sweet perfume of victory.


  20. jew, define “Hillbilly”?

    The snaggle-toothed, cross-eyed, stringy-haired variety one normally expects to find on a porch somewhere in Missouri.

  21. OMG you’ve updated… bwahahahahaha!

  22. Jewstin?

  23. Hahahahahaha, you make me feel guilty for eating bacon. So does it beat working for the Manticore?

    One of my co-workers had to work two weeks in some chemical plant that smelled really really bad. The other people at the hotel complained about the smell. He ended up throwing his clothes, belt, and shoes away when he was done. Said he got a whiff every now and then from his wallet.

  24. Sweet!!!! I was worried about my chicharrones loving familia from the hill country.

  25. MJ with the gif win!!!! (BTW Eddie Bear, beasn, and Rosetta=MO)

  26. Manticore was preferable. I could drown her out with the air hammer.

  27. Do you Vicks up your nose like Clarice?

  28. Are you ready to write a screenplay? I bet there are H2 peeps that could “Do this!”

  29. I’m going to scoop up a jar of pig filth and put it on display at the MOMA. I’ll make a fortune.

  30. Will you be able to capture “The Smell”?

  31. Will you be able to capture “The Smell”?

    I’ll just clean the Pit in my underpants the day before I catch the plane.

  32. I would laugh at your pain, but I went through the same process. Granted, I was eleven, but it was the same sort of experience.

    Laundry segregation is important. Manure clothes get to ride in a trash bag in the trunk, and they go to town to ride in the laundromat machines. If you find a “Rosa Parks” pair of pants that want to ride up front with the good clothes, sic the dogs on them and don’t be stingy with the firehose. There’s no equality amongst laundry.

  33. LOLOLOLOLOL (Duplicate comment detected)

  34. I wish I could have been there to run the vacuum truck for you. It sounds a little like cleaning the inside of a crude oil tank. I always felt sorry for those bastards.

  35. I’m not sure I understand these posts.

    I sure as heck don’t.

  36. I’m going to scoop up a jar of pig filth and put it on display at the MOMA. I’ll make a fortune.

    You’re gonna have to stick a crucifix in it or something like that if you really want to make the big bucks.

  37. One man’s Charlotte is another mans bacon

  38. Pig filth is totes Mohammed art.

  39. Charlotte is the name of both Chelsea’s and Will’s recent babies. (Trying to build a pig conspiracy theory)

  40. When I went to the orientation before I started, the HR guy finished his presentation and asked if there were any questions.

    Me: Do we get a Christmas ham for a bonus?

    HR Guy: . . . Well, yeah, you get a big fucking ham.

    Me: Bwahahahahahah!

  41. Heh. My uncle, cousins and second cousins run a pig farm in Indiana. Nice folks, but I hated to visit there. Pweh. Mrs. Buffalone met some little piglets there and wouldn’t eat pork for a couple of months. Too cute.

    I’m glad you’re back Jewstin.

  42. And thanks, everyone. I missed you while I was away.


    Or hide your transcripts.

  44. Worst Penthouse Forum letter ever.

  45. Fucking. Brilliant.

    My inlaws are wondering why I’m hysterically laughing and crying.

  46. Nice to have you back, Jewstin. Finally made bail?

    Our boy raised a couple of pigs for the county fair. The ammonia smell was overpowering, and that was just 2 pigs. You have my sympathy.

  47. Worst Penthouse Forum letter ever.

    But most requested reprint in Germany.

  48. But most requested reprint in Germany.

    Haha. You think you’re joking.

  49. Holy crap, Jewstin, that sounds like hell on earth.

    I nominate this post for the Compos Mentis “What’s That Smell?” award…

  50. Haha. You think you’re joking.

    No. I never joke about Der Scheiß-Fetisch.

  51. Good to see you again, Jewstin.

    How many pigs did you get pregnant today?

  52. Favorite pizza place has Diet DP now instead of Coke Zero.

  53. None today Scott. I have to fuck the pigs tomorrow.

  54. Wiser, if you want a 7th job you should attend some Monday night auctions with me.

    I got about $700 worth of crap for $160 tonight, and if a certain jackass wasn’t there I would have done a whole lot better.

  55. Diet DP now instead of Coke Zero

    Bleh! I’l have warm pig shit sprayed in my face instead, thanks.

  56. $5000-$6000 Howard Miller grandfather clock went for $150.

    Big beautiful armoire sold for $20.

    Furniture is worthless today.

  57. Furniture is worthless today.

    Yup. Cheap shit is cheap and lasts long enough. Very few people care to pay for actual quality furniture.

  58. No. High end quality furniture is almost free.

    Ikea is hot.

  59. Wait. That’s what you said.

  60. Ikea is hot.

    You have to admit their “Diksükker” line of milking stools goes quite well with the rats & pig shit.

  61. Bleh! I’l have warm pig shit sprayed in my face instead, thanks.


  62. We are going to replace a lot of our furniture with antiques, because it’s almost free.

  63. High end quality furniture is my weakness. I don’t even try to explain. Even my lamps have names.

  64. Scott, my MiL had a “Formal” living room. No one ever even sits in there.

  65. I really should check out some of the auctions in my area. Of course, I should probably find a place to live that will fit furniture first.

  66. I really should check out some of the auctions in my area. Of course, I should probably find a place to live that will fit furniture first.

    Pfffft. My wife and I’s first place was a 690 sq ft apartment. We bought a king sized sleigh bed, night stand and several other large, matching pieces.

    We figured it might be absurd at the moment, but one day we would have room for it and we wanted quality.

  67. CoAlex, I just want to say your sis sounds like my sis. Except my sis is 52. Always taking money. Always with the shoulder chip.

  68. Is mid-century considered antique now?

  69. Yes, but only for furniture.

    Grey hair is sexy.

  70. Oso, thanks. My mom has completely cut sis out of her life at this point. I suspect that sis will come around asking for money at some point in the near future. Mom has said if she wants cash sis will have to agree to put the past in the past, and be civil to stepdad.

    I also think that Sis is going to find that her little drama doesn’t play well with the rest of the family, especially when Dad and stepmom ask why mom isn’t pitching in for the wedding and find out the truth…

  71. Grey hair is sexy.

    Depends on where.

  72. I thought the only place left women had hair was their heads. That’s what all the magazines tell me.

  73. If it has phillips head screws, it ain’t antique.

  74. Grey-schmey… platinum is where it at, bay-bee!


  75. My mom paid for sis to come to NM last Labor Day. Sis didn’t show. Cashed check. Sis showed for Christmas. Mom paid. My mom made snide remarks about me at Christmas. Instead of fighting, I left. My mom is telling everyone that I’m ignoring her. Got a text to call my mom. Me: Something stupid or raffle tickets? It was both. She’s bitching about Ocare and she’s selling raffle tickets for her sanctuary church.

  76. I’d tacklehug ya, Jewstin, but you stink…….

  77. TiFW is back too!!!! SQUEEEEE

  78. Holy Crap, school really is out soon. The rentals are sprouting all over Colorado Springs.

  79. Did anybody wait until after anybody else had bought courtside season tickets to tell anybody else they were being sarcastic about being “The world’s biggest WNBA fan” today?

  80. being “The world’s biggest WNBA fan” today?

    Is it even possible to say that with a straight face?

  81. PAC 10 Softball. (Drops mic)

  82. Oso, at least most of those girls are probably straight.

  83. Scott, Penelope says if you ever come across a black leather Eames chair for cheap, she wants it. :)

  84. Anita & I were going through 1st Corinthians after chores today (garden weeding and brush-hogging the east pasture).
    When we finished, I saw “Fat Bunny” inside the chicken-wire scarfing the “Sugar-Snap” peas.
    I suggested that Anita go read Jewstins post(she likes bunnies).
    She did.
    While she was doing that, I stepped out onto the deck and shot the little bastard in the head and threw him in the far east pasture for the Hawks and Eagles.
    Carrion-eaters gotta live, too…

  85. *pics up mic*

    National Women’s Soccer League

    *drops mic*

  86. Nah, too scrawny.

  87. WNBA is still a thing? Where do they hold the games? Millard Fillmore Junior High Field House?

  88. WNBA is like Cousy BBall. Chest passes and ground ball. No traveling and Free Throws are FREE THROWS but that is rayciss.

  89. True Story: Drink! I used to have to make 50 right side layups and 50 left side layups combined with 100 free throws before I could go to bed. That was at home. I never even played BBall. My mom was the Great Santini.

  90. Sorry, Scott. Last night, Shelby Miller threw 9 and 2/3 shut out innings. Lost his no-no. I laughed, Had no idea he threw a reverse game back in the day. He’s my new hero.

  91. Getting smack from some fucking guy on BamaPachyderm/s FB page. He’s too lame to mention.

  92. Oso, I’m here every evening; most of the time I get here so late that nobody’s around to read any comments I might make, so I don’t bother.

    I do enjoy reading what everyone is up to!

  93. I noticed your Dougal crush.

  94. I will be so disappointed if Mcpo doesn’t look like Dougal.

  95. WNBA is still a thing? Where do they hold the games? Millard Fillmore Junior High Field House?

    A parking lot behind The Rotten Box in Montpelier.

  96. Britney Griner got married! SQUEEEE. Dan’s boss, Dana, married Andi. Andi wore a tux. Dana still calls Andi her “Wife”.

  97. Dana likes me because I’m not crazy. WTF? I live for crazy!!!

  98. I’m fighting with a tard on FB and you people are sipping chardonnay and sleeping! I NEVER fight.

  99. I’m like the LAST Moron to take objection to. Yet, someone is challenging me. G’night, guys. I’ll let you know

  100. I’m tired from spending my weekend fighting r’tards on twitter.


    Actually, the court didn’t rule it unconstitutional, it merely granted a preliminary injunction for the plaintiffs. Still, that’s a pretty big deal. DC looks to be headed toward a “Shall issue” status.

  102. Oso, Griner would be the one who was arrested for fighting with her beloved in a parking lot, correct? Lovely couple. I’m sure that they’ll go the distance…

  103. Like a country morning,
    All snuggled in dew,
    Ah, she’s got a way to make a man feel shiny and new
    And she sing in the evening
    Old, familiar tunes
    And she feeds me derp and tenderness and macaroons.

  104. Up at and at ’em.

  105. WTFITS?!

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