FU Elf on the Shelf

Top to Bottom: MJ, Christmas shopping.

jrmLXmO

Pictured Below: Invisible Flying Sloths

Nothing

Pictured below: Invisible Flying Sloths Eating Invisible Fish Sticks

Nothing

Pictured below: Visible Sloth Trying to Eat Fish

B5Aq5UvCAAEWC7w.png-large

106 Comments

  1. The Elf had it coming….

  2. I expect MJ to come over here and wipe the coffee off of my screen and keyboard.
    Now.

  3. GI Joe should be doing that with egg nog, not water.

  4. MMMMmmmm. Have you done a Drink of the Week featuring Egg Nog?

  5. Evan Wms makes a peppermint chocolate egg nog. We just add more Evan. Pretty yum.

  6. I’ve never had egg nog.

  7. GND?

    http://tinyurl.com/kpzpdwy

  8. Egg nog is good. But it requires bourbon or rum.

  9. Egg nog is good. But it requires bourbon or rum.

    It’s pretty good with bourbon, but I usually leave out the milk, sugar, egg and spices.

  10. You couldn’t pick a worse word than nog.

    It sounds like an alien sex act.

    Gross

  11. GND?
    http://tinyurl.com/kpzpdwy
    —————————————–
    Pretty close, but she has less bounce. I tried to take a few pictures of her ass a few days ago but it looked weird. We laughed and laughed and got stitches and laughed.

  12. Mmm egg nog.

    Good pic of the air-sloth, MJ. Looks just exactly like the ones we’ve got over here.

    *randomly fires pellet gun above head*

  13. Alien Sex Noggin is a myth. Like The Yeti and a balanced budget amendment.

  14. I nogged your mom.

  15. Your mom gives good nog.

  16. MMMMmmmm. Have you done a Drink of the Week featuring Egg Nog?
    —————————————
    Not yet but that’s a good idea.

    Quick! Help me convert 2 cups of used band aids to milliliters.

  17. Can you make egg nog with fish eggs?

  18. That’s disgusting, GO!

  19. Fish sticks?

  20. Tell us more about your new V8, MJ.

    http://imgur.com/gallery/wJbO6gq

  21. It’s the only V8 that can run on eggnog.

  22. Interesting. Examining the flag widget, it looks like H2 has a few foreign visitors viewing our all-American decadence today, but they are mostly French and German. The rest of the world is less perverted.

  23. The French ones are probably Japanese using a proxy.

  24. So follow me here.

    At the flag widget, there are 43 visitors today from the Kingdom of Licorice Dick. At about 300 million, that makes one out of about 7 million visit the H2. However, there is one visitor from Estonia. Estonia’s population is 1.3 million, meaning one in 1.3 million Estonians likes to visit H2.

    That means proportionally more Estonians like H2 than Americans; 1.3 goes into 7 a little more than 5 times, so H2 is at least 5 times more popular with Estonians than Americans.

    Plus, I think Estonia has some hawt chicks.
    http://bit.ly/13ahsas

  25. Did anybody petition the court to have anybody else declared a vexatious litigant today?

  26. President of Estonia tweets like a HQ Moron.

  27. Have some cranberries, everyone:

    http://m.imgur.com/gallery/pjaH9me

  28. Tell us more about your new V8, MJ.
    http://imgur.com/gallery/wJbO6gq
    ——————————-

    http://is.gd/qcKcAy

  29. Tushar from the top rope!

  30. http://is.gd/uuZATC

  31. http://tinyurl.com/q7vc2vp

  32. http://m.imgur.com/gallery/JxKoRM5

  33. It is sometimes frustrating that my wife takes no interest in American culture. I showed the above link to her. But she does not know that white people are called crackers, or what Saltines are, or what crackers are.

  34. Nog is Dutch for nope.

  35. http://m.imgur.com/gallery/JxKoRM5

    Well played, you clever brown person.

  36. Bog is Russian for God.

  37. Crackers are rebellious colonial biscuits.

  38. This post has been updated like a boss.

  39. It is sometimes frustrating that my wife takes no interest in American culture. I showed the above link to her. But she does not know that white people are called crackers, or what Saltines are, or what crackers are.

    Well, there is a big difference between the transient popular culture of a certain decade, and overarching national culture. If she is like most transplants I have known, she probably has a good general feeling about the latter, but zero interest in the former.

  40. OMG those fish sticks are huge. That’s the biggest fish stick I’ve ever seen.

  41. It is sometimes frustrating that my wife takes no interest in American culture. I showed the above link to her. But she does not know that white people are called crackers, or what Saltines are, or what crackers are.
    ——————————–
    Or what you are saying.

  42. I paid the premium subscription for this?

  43. What are you? Some kind of invisible flying sloth gay fish?

  44. She is racist.

  45. Hahahahaha. Flying sloth gay racist fish.

    I think that sums up this blog.

  46. This post has been updated like a fish.

  47. So, here is a question: the three friends of Jackie got their identities revealed. An innocent young man got implicated simply because unfortunately had his photo and claimed that is was the photo of her rapist. Some guy named Drew got implicated. A whole fraternity was tarnished.

    Exactly why Jackie is still enjoying her anonymity?

  48. Laura, you are right. But it would be nice if she would share my puerile interests.

    I am surrounded by people who won’t understand a single joke on H2. Except Mikhail. He understands most of them, but he is a freaking liberal.

  49. Exactly why Jackie is still enjoying her anonymity?

    Rape culture. The Patriarchy. #WarOnWomen.

  50. @xbradtc

  51. Who the hell is Jackie?

  52. Well, that’s fucking weird.

  53. “Victim” in frat rape story at Rolling Stone.

  54. I hope Jackie is black. Every fake rape needs a little racism.

  55. Camille Cosby is citing her in refuting rape claims against Dr Huxtable.

  56. Good night non-rapists.

  57. G’night bacon curer.

  58. Visible sloth’s spouse also tries to eat fish.

  59. Is Huma strictly for Hill, or does Bill also put his snout in that trough?

  60. I must have fake-raped a dozen people today. And a spaniel. And a bag of nacho chips. I think I’m fake-raping something now, it’s such an epidemic.

  61. Yes.

  62. I try not to victim blame/shame, but there is a difference IMHO between parents pimping their kids out to the casting couch for 100 years and grown women hooking up with a married man with entertainment clout in dressing rooms, hotels, and private homes. WTF did you think was going to happen?

  63. I don’t recommend raping the nachos. They’re kind of jagged.

  64. I raped the hell out of the lentil soup I made for dinner.

  65. Ugh…soup.

  66. There was a door sticking, so I got a hand planer and raped its corners.

  67. G’night. Allergies were really messing with me last night. Little sleep.

  68. http://tinyurl.com/pxyly9d
    Stolen from Cdr. Sal.

    Thia was interesting/scary

  69. I don’t care enough about Cosby to follow much detail, but something is fish-sticky about these stories. Especially when I heard one of the women being interviewed, and when asked about some rapey details, she actually said she wasn’t too clear on it because they were both high and drunk at the time.

    If I had to guess, at least some of these stories are just two people using each other, one for the promise of access to show biz power, the other for just plain boorish lust.

  70. http://tinyurl.com/pxyly9d

    Sounds like this scifi novel is coming true. It features a micro drone programmed to kill a particular single person.

    https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/ron-goulart-5/the-hellhound-project/

  71. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088024/

  72. Behold the power of this fully functional Tom Selleck.

  73. Cyn’s gonna be happy to see Tom when she debriefs.

  74. George,
    Yes it does!
    Look at Facechimp and “Photo-Tagging”.
    How often does that Fuck-Up?
    So, Some shadowy organization send one of these drones out to get your dad, and it finds you, instead?
    Oops! My bad. Sorry…

  75. Matt Lewis is a prick. Sneering at Byron York (?!?) for pointing out that Dingy Harry Reid would have gotten Licorice Dick his appointments

  76. *cocktails*
    *sees Tom; debriefs faster*

  77. *fucking ios8*

    …whether or not Cruz asked for a point of order. What a tool that motard is.

  78. *sends fart bomb to Tim Cook’s office in Cupertino*

  79. Plus, the Daily Caller website sucks elf balls. Especially on mobile devices.

  80. Hello George.

    Care for a xanax? I have some Absolut to throw it down with.

  81. Mom got cut loose from the hospital and is now home, caregiver in place. Turns out she’s had a hip fracture after all. I figure she’s had it since about Halloween, around the time it started getting hard for her to get around and I rented a rollator for her.

  82. Jen Bush/Lindsay Graham 2016

    It’s your dream. It’s your nightmare.

  83. Holy shit. Hip fractures are no joke in older people. If mom can struggle with a hip fracture, I can do without a Xanax.

    I’ll just strangle an elf quietly.

    *reaches into elf box*

  84. Does it work? This… elf strangling?? Maybe I will give it a try too.

  85. What?!? “Jen Bush?”

    Nutfucking buggeryplugged fucklugging autocorrect.

    *strangles second elf*

  86. Holy shit. Hip fractures are no joke in older people.

    It’s amazing really: first they attributed her excruciating pain on the tumor, then blamed the radiation; then there was mention of sciatic involvement. Got an xray a week ago Friday that showed no fracture.

    *sighs and grabs a couple of melt-away-xanax from the candy dish*

  87. Well, there’s elf strangling, and then there’s “elf strangling.”

  88. *slowly wrings the neck of a shelf elf*

    HEEEEY! This ain’t half bad!

  89. HA! I though “Jen Bush” was intentional.

  90. The Xanax that looks like bridge mix hard candy is nice.

    Actually it might be just dandy.

  91. “Candy,” not “dandy,” you bugfucking iPad!!!

  92. Ha ha.

    The white ones are the “good candies”.

  93. Nighty night cool kids, lurkers, and George.

  94. I swear to sweet and savory Jeebus, iOS 8 blows, and Apple has prevented reversion to to ios 7. You grandmotherfucking Cupertino pricks.

    On the other hand, my Apple stock has been berry good to me.

    Love/hate. It’s the universal constant.

  95. Nighty night, cat lady.

  96. Good kitty.

  97. Pussy killed it.

  98. Pussy always kills me.

  99. Do elves receive pensions?

  100. Amnesty for Elves.

    Beeva La Rasta!

  101. Excellent derp! So on topic.

    Your life is awesome! Up with people!

  102. Its too early for this.

  103. Good morning, MJ! How are you this fine morning!

    I’ll see you after the awesome commute to work! Have a great morning!

  104. Im good Jay. How are you?

  105. Had a fun time out in philly.

    Goodnight,cool kids!


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