Secret Santa 2014 Sign Up

Yep, it’s time for the 33rd Annual H2 Secret Santa Gift Exchange!


A. Deadline sign-up date: Saturday, midnight, 11/29/2014. You sign up by completing the form below. Even if I already have your address, please help me by filling in all the blanks. I have automated this dealie and if you’re not going to comply then you instantly make it onto Santa’s ‘Naughty Dumbass List’.

II. You’ll get an email from me on 11/30/2014 letting you know who your Secret Santa Recipient is – this is a secret so don’t tell who you got!!

(iii). Your gift(s) should not exceed $20. And before you ask, no, photos of you holding your junk have never counted as “gifts”.

4. I recommend that your gift be mailed out by Monday 12/10/14 to get to its recipient on time. DO NOT PUT YOUR NAME anywhere in or on the gift that you mail. Let’s see if you can guess who sent it to you.

%. When you receive your SS Gift, do not, I repeat, DO NOT OPEN IT YET!!!!!

Z. We’ll open our gifts during the Official Secret Santa Gift Opening Poat – Sunday night, 12/21/14.


 OK – GO!


If you’re going to shop at Amazon this Christmas season, might as well do it through and for our blog; we get a cut of the money yo. Find the link above, or you can click ‘right here‘. Get to shopping now.



  1. do i get spanked (by Cyn you fucking naughty dumbass perverts) if i don’t fill out the form right?

  2. Are you allowed to sign up if you haven’t been around in forever?

  3. That would look kinda needy, don’t ya think?

  4. Slow day here today.

    I blame the extremely obvious pre-op trannies in Leon’s MMM post

  5. So that’s a yes?

  6. Yes.

  7. Cyn, are those C9’s in the second picture?

  8. >>>So that’s a yes?

    You do know that you have to give a gift as well, right?

    All I know is that i’m crossing my fingers and toes that I get Mare

  9. Hahaha. Hey oso.

  10. Never mind. I embiggened and def not C9s.

  11. Hey, I gave a badass gift last year.

  12. Did anybody sign up for this thing in the vain hope that anybody else wouldn’t end up getting them some stupid bullshit today?

  13. Bcoch, J’ames thanked you and Roamy earlier. It was Cardinals/Braves so I really didn’t care.

  14. “All I know is that i’m crossing my fingers and toes”

    holy fuquistadors of the 3rd epoch….. wiser has fingers and toes???

  15. Fucking Braves.

  16. >>>wiser has fingers and toes???

    Jealous much?

  17. About the time I hit “submit” I pictured Cyn as some kind of evil NSA operative who was rubbing her palms together and squinting her eyes evilly in anticipation at getting her hands on my private (sywm) info. Be gentle with me during the waterboarding, please Cyn.

  18. I will sign up as soon as I can look at the site on not my phone.

    My address and name are the same as they were last year, though.

  19. i thought cruising across the primordial sludge on a sail of thin film diffraction was the shit…. now i gotta catch up

  20. It’s not always safe to assume those things are the same, leon. Why, I have a feeling some of the models on the previous poat had different, possibly more manly-sounding names up until just recently.

    Oh, and some of them may have moved or something too I guess.

  21. I’ve been saying “Moose out front should’ve told you” to pretty much everything lately. Hardly anyone gets my reference. Last year, it was my constant Navin references. This year…Griswold. Put a fork in Clark.

  22. After church on sunday a couple people were setting up a small tree in the church. Lights are all on and they’re trying to get everything to look right.

    I walk by and say to one of the guys, “The lights aren’t twinkling, Clark.” He had no idea what I meant. I had to try and explain it. Yeah, that killed the humor.

  23. “He had no idea what I meant.”

    my wife keeps telling me that it may sound great in your head, but other people just think you’re hearing voices…

  24. my wife keeps telling me that it may sound great in your head, but other people just think you’re hearing voices…

    Well that’s just bullshit. We’re funny dammit.

  25. What is wrong with people???? Clark, Navin, Harry, Lloyd…American icons.

  26. I have never seen Dumb And Dumber.

  27. I only use early Simpsons. I love South Park. A few King of the Hill. A pinch of Family Guy. More Mad TV than recent SNL. Why yes, I haven’t had an original thought in years. Why’d you ask…squirrel!

  28. Sean it is so stoopid. Can’t go on a road trip without quoting it. You and XB should’ve watched it before TITS.

  29. I have never seen Dumb And Dumber.

    You are dead to me.

  30. I actually hadn’t seen Caddyshack until last year. I think it’s kind of overrated. Give me Animal House, The Blues Brothers or Airplane! over that any day.

  31. Oh look, a new post.

  32. Eh, I think Airplane is the overrated one.

    And I never get tired of that header pic. Warms my heart to see Chrissy having the sads.

  33. I’ve never seen dumb and dumber either.

  34. Give me Animal House, The Blues Brothers or Airplane! over that any day.

    Marry me.

  35. You like gladiator movies, Lipstick?

  36. Marry me.

  37. Well, I guess Sean and I really fucked up our road trip, because I’ve never seen Dumb and Dumber either.

  38. >>


  39. Ya know, Buff, I’ve never seen Gladiator.

    Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is a great one, though.

  40. Have you seen Lock Stock and Two Smoking Guns, Lippy?

  41. I have, Jew. Long time ago, but I remember liking it.

  42. Where’s my drink?

  43. What can I get you, XB?

  44. I do believe I’ve earned a bourbon on the rocks today. Double.

    Seriously, it’s amazing XMom didn’t get any grease on herself, because that’s the one goddam place she didn’t.

  45. Which should I use in my mischief?

    Obubercare or Grubamacare?

    I’m leaning towards the former.

    Also, whomever is my S.S. will be getting a complete set of Barry’s speeches and a miniature bust of W. Churchill.

    On and On.

    P.S. Caddyshack over all. Commies.

  46. Mr. Chumpo, I *might* be heading back to San Dog in March.

  47. Why not make it a Monthly.

  48. now I prefer Grubamacare after looking at it.

  49. Because it costs a shitload of money to go to San Diego. Gas, hotel, hookers, and blow ain’t cheap.

  50. Bring Sean and make him pay.

  51. Swing by and pick me up on the way.

    Cause I know how you two are just wild about road trips with me.

  52. Lippy, have you met Mr. Chumpo? I finally did, in SD, and it was a hoot!

    Great fun. He made quite the impression on my non-H2 friends.

  53. No, I haven’t met him. Can’t wait, though!

  54. Shit. I have to dig out the pic from whereever I hid it, and put it in The Meat Locker.

  55. Awright, Lips. Put up yer dukes. We should have a Margarita-A-Thon at Pancho’s in MB.

  56. Ho-lee Crap Chumpo! How do you know Pancho’s? I’ve been a regular there since the eighties!

  57. And Margarita-A-Thon it is — I’m moving to within stumbling distance of that hallowed place in three weeks.

  58. How conveeeenient. All right. eetz on! How bouts a West Coast Xmas Meat?

  59. I’ll be spending Christmas and New Year’s back east with my family, but you’re not getting out of this so easily.

  60. How ’bout next Christmas?

  61. I can probably swing an OC/MB meat.

  62. Or, Bingo@Morongo. In fact Morongo should be the center of our universe.

  63. Where Morongo, ambulance follow.

  64. Where Morongo, stores run out of butter and Champale.

  65. Where Morongo, melons are compromised on the vine.

  66. I can probably swing an OC/MB meat.

    Who invited you?

    *gazes nonchalantly at bill for airline ticket to TITS*

  67. The clouds are really low
    And they overflow with cotton candy
    And battle grounds red and brown
    But it’s all in your mind
    Don’t think your time on derp things
    Just float your little mind around
    Look out ! Ow !

  68. I hope Pupster signs up.

  69. Rocketboy lined up a ride as far as Paducah. Not many non-Missourians at Rolla.

  70. Worky worky.

  71. skoolie skoolie

  72. I’ll just leave this right here.

    OK, time to go. Have a great

    *suddenly runs off*

  73. wakey wakey

  74. Did I *really* have to put my phone number?

  75. I know Car in! I only pick up for my mom, everyone else gets voice mail.

  76. I’d like to thank Laura for the Thanksgiving idea of serving up a smoked pork butt.


  77. Just hit the “Submit” button. Wondering who will be my victim.

  78. Toyota updated the lounge for the service department. Nice leather chairs, coffee maker and new magazines. TV still plays the Today show though. Headphones are a nice accessory.

  79. I forgot to put my real name in the form

  80. >> Did I *really* have to put my phone number?

    I’ve already given it to everybody

  81. It’s true.

  82. *calls Car in

    Thanks Dave!

  83. I have to find my mojo .

  84. I hate you all.

  85. Aw, now that’s not true.

    You know who I really hate? Stupid people. I’ve had it up to here [puts hand at neck level] with them.

    but not every stupid person. Just stupid people who don’t know they’re stupid. That’s who I hate.

  86. Day one of paleo challenge went well. Didn’t miss any points. don’t know how my partner is doing.

  87. My paleo challenge is going good too. Sourdough bread I made was a little dense, but really sour.

  88. I’m in.

  89. Kittah caught her first mouse last night!!!

  90. I’ve already given it to everybody

    Writing it on the bathroom wall doesn’t count.

  91. Congrats to kitteh! She’s earned her keep!

  92. ordered new work shoes. Ouch. The ones I wear are expensive, but they last and enable me to work fake doubles w/o sitting down or injuring or wearing myself down.

    lauraw will need a pair eventually. they are danskos. My feet are NEVER sore. not even after 12+ hours on my feet.

  93. Actually, CO, both kittahs got themselves a mouse. the male (still un named) got one out of the garbage that the older cat had got the night before.

    Cosmo 1) caught a mouse and 2) put it in the dogfood bowl.

    I think he’s trying to make a point.

    So, male got it out, then pranced around the house as proud as can be.

  94. I had sorta slacked, thinking that i had gotten a lot of the mice. in the last 24 hours, we’ve killed 5 more.

  95. Cosmo 1) caught a mouse and 2) put it in the dogfood bowl.

    That’s hilarious.

    Cosmo: “I ain’t eating that thing.”

  96. He will eat them/has. I think he’s trying to accent how useless the dogs are.

  97. he always leaves them somewhere pertinent. Front door step. in Erin’s room (his favorite person). lately he’s been leaving them by the dog’s bowls.

  98. Worry if a cat leaves a severed mouse head on the dog’s bed.

  99. Nah, Cosmo is trying to make a point – you puny humans replaced him in your affections with the two Nermals, so he’s going to show you his displeasure by bestowing his “gifts’ on the dog.

    Everyone knows that cats view dogs as worthless scum who are beneath their contempt.

    Cosmo is sending you people a message.

  100. “you people”

  101. You people suck.

  102. Comment by Jay in Ames on November 18, 2014 9:26 am

    My paleo challenge is going good too. Sourdough bread I made was a little dense, but really sour.

    *slaps Jay on the ass*

    Good hustle, man. Good hustle. You showed them CrossFags.

    *spits tobacco juice, scratches self, cocks a hip and gently rearranges balls*

  103. Leave Jay’s balls alone.

  104. but, but, I was using tongs

  105. Well, fine then. I hope you put them in the freezer first.

  106. OUCH!

  107. this no-knead bread is gonna rock, if I can get it right. Stir it up, let it sit.

  108. So you’re even taking all the exercise out of baking carbs.

  109. wut

  110. I got out of bed for this?

  111. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

    I’m sure the Ferguson PD made looking for this idiot’s car their #1 priority when she reported the crime….

  112. Maybe the dumb bitch’s meter ran out and the cops towed it.

  113. *insert Nelson Muntz “Ha!” here*

  114. Snortle.

  115. *places tongs back on H2 coffee table and walks away sheepishly.

  116. Happy Birthday, Michael!

  117. “My fiancee keeps looking at me and smiling. Borderline laughing. Can’t wait till she’s pushing out our child between her legs. I will be standing over her with a shit eating grin on my face.”

    From Car in’s link.


  118. Good one, Car in. We have one instructor that finds a never used muscle every 3 weeks. And then exploits it.

    I never knew the inner part of your thigh could feel like it’s on fire.


  120. WTF is a barre?

  121. Barre is a great place to live, work and visit

  122. From Ace’s sidebar, all of grubergate in 2 minutes:

    It is fantastic.

  123. I don’t believe in Vermont.

  124. Great cheese in Vermont. Better than Heluva Good.

  125. Vermont white cheddar is one of my favorites.

  126. Buncha syrup sucking Scandis in Vermont.

  127. Homemade apple pie with a slice of Vermont sharp cheddar cheese is awesome stuff.

  128. I always think of Vermonters as more of a Multicultural Hippie Socialist Pot Smoking Natural Fiber Wearing Bunch.

    Fun place to visit which I did, often, in my 20’s. Spent a lot of nights couch surfing friends’ places at ski resorts and Burlington.

  129. Jimbro, that’s my favorite quote from the piece too. Quoted it on facedouche.

  130. So… we doin’?

  131. You?

  132. Comment by buffalone on November 18, 2014 6:25 pm
    WTF is a barre?

    The handrail used by ballet dancers when they warm up and train their muscles. I guess this is some sort of class to appeal to middle-aged women who still wish they could be a ballerina.

  133. Yo. Evening Hostages.

  134. Oh. Fancy bar. Got it.

  135. Are there any backass VT hillbillies left, or have they all relocated to NH?

  136. Scoot’s new business?

  137. Looks legit.

  138. why is there a hair on those tongs?

  139. …not talking about hippies. I’m talking about actual backwards hill people. Ignorant Appalachia-type people, but in VT.

    We knew people from there when I was a kid. Bunch of fucking Snopes-ish assholes. I hope their mountain was paved and gentrified.

  140. They are all in Kentucky.

    I’m sure this is totally unrelated but a lot of people in KY have meth mouth.

  141. They’re in every state. I was visiting, not working there. My Family Practice friend encountered them regularly in his practice.

  142. Did anybody tell anybody else that it was time to face the fact that their patchy, ugly-ass beard wasn’t going to look any better by the end of the month today?

  143. I think some of them might have been good. But most of the people we knew from there, were the ones who would eat a steak dinner (they really couldn’t afford in the first place) in front of their hungry kids, and give the kids cereal for supper.
    Impulsive, willfully ignorant, always poor, fancy motorcycle having, sugarshack burning, pickle-juice drinking, VT Hill assholes.

    They educate themselves enough to know the specific gravity of a good maple syrup and moonshine, but they don’t care to find out if kids need to eat protein.

  144. Psst, buffalone…look in this place

  145. There were a fair number of Kentucky hillbillies in my part of Indiana. I loathed them. Arrogantly proud of their backwardness and ignorance.

  146. I have no idea what’s up with these slack jawed yokels.

    I’m coming back in May for some races though.

  147. If he were a nerd he would be Biffalone.

    A jock? Beefalone

    Xbrad? Boffalone.

  148. *golfclap*

  149. Yeah, same strand of culture that exists in the inner cities, IMO, just oppo skin colors. Hilarious that they hate each other the worst. Whatever.

  150. Feminist: Byffalone

  151. Eating disorder – Barfalone.

  152. GOP – Bluffalone.

  153. Are women non-logical, as a specific evolutionary defense against some men? Is this an analog to the crazy drake-penis thing, where the duck’s convoluted vagina can send him off into a blind corner if she so chooses?

  154. Among friends: BFF’alone

  155. They’ll burn it down anyway if they don’t get the news they want.

  156. I hope they burn it down.

  157. >> Is this an analog to the crazy drake-penis thing, where the duck’s convoluted vagina can send him off into a blind corner if she so chooses?

    I realize now I didn’t pay enough attention to that burying the duck thing

  158. Lot of innocent people at risk.

  159. Let it burn.

  160. Let it burn, let it burn, let it burn.

    Oh the rioters outside, are frightful.
    But the fire, is so delightful.
    So like Sharpton cheering on the churn
    Let it burn, let it burn, let it burn.

  161. Hey,
    It looks like those conditions if it is a “Peaceful Protest”.
    If it gets rowdy, and the Molotov Cocktail start flying,
    “Weapons Free!”

  162. I *hope* there’s a peaceful outcome.

    But I’m not optimistic.

  163. Is peanut butter and ritz crackers paleo?

  164. Is peanut butter and ritz crackers paleo?

    Definitely. Especially the pre-made ones with the strange powdery peanut butter.

  165. Where’s Phat?


  166. Is peanut butter and ritz crackers paleo?

    Only if you grind the peanuts yourself and make the crackers with almond flour in a long, convoluted process that only Martha Stewart would attempt. “It’s a good thing.”

  167. Troy McClure on the Simpsons is suddenly 147% funnier.

  168. Make Ritz Crackers?

    Is that English?

  169. I was thinking the same thing, jewstin.

    “Hi, I’m Troy McClure! You might have seen me in my creepy agent’s office!”

  170. Word on the street is you’ve been runnin’ yo’ mouth.
    If you turn up on me, Imma turn that bitch down.


  171. Yeah!
    Ebola back in NYC!
    You won’t hear about in US media because “The Ebola Czar” is on the job.

  172. Selfishly, I find Ebola in New York to be an academic event. That’ last croaker who bought it in Omaha creeps me the fuck out.

  173. Me too. Why does Omaha have one of 4 blah blah blah facilities in the US? At least the Dr in Omaha got both the experimental drug and the infusion. No Duncan RAYCISS!!! lawsuits.

  174. Scott made me laugh with his Buffalone riff. I love the Buffalone gif. Rough night. I forgot how to pray the rosary. I really didn’t, but for a few moments it was close. MiL was a mess. 1/3 done. Funeral Mass and grave site. Dan lost it a few times. Domino effect.

  175. University of Nebraska!

    you know what the N on the helmet stands for, right?


  176. J’ames, any results from your tests? You OK? (Secret Santa is just a way for Cyn to track Real ID and phone #s so we don’t worry. Not that we are a bunch of worriers when Hostages don’t check in or anything. Nope. Not us. Chill. Hakuna Matata. No worries. Barbrady’d/

  177. Fact: I have the same exact skirt in 3 sizes. Wearing the “Chunky” model tomorrow. Nun shoes and panty hose.

  178. My sympathies, Oso.

    J’ames is awaiting test results? eh? I fell behind on the news. And should be packing now. But Buffanope.

  179. Mama said to me, “Child what’s happened to your appetite?
    I been cookin’ all mornin’ and you haven’t touched single bite
    That nice young preacher Brother Taylor dropped by today
    Said he’d be pleased to have dinner on Sunday, oh by the way
    He said he saw a derp that looked a lot like you up on Choctaw Ridge
    And she and Billie Joe was throwin’ somethin’ off the Tallahatchie Bridge”

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Comments RSS