Get crazy with the cheese whiz

Ya know, I’d still hit it.

Thor’s Day. With a side of Chris Pine’s nuts please.


  1. Cheez Whiz Suckz balls. Everyone knows Velveeta where it at.

  2. You are correct sir.

    And good morning.

  3. I didn’t need help getting dressed today. Things are looking up.

  4. That is very good, Scott.

  5. Snow on the lawn. Like powdered sugar on a doughnut.

  6. Today is take a veteran to school day at the little guy’s school. I may get to eat some government cheese when they serve lunch.

  7. Like cocaine on a hooker’s ass.

  8. That’s beautiful, man.

  9. I bet that’s nice too, but I haven’t seen it.

    Given the choice, I’d still take the doughnut. I mean, hookers and cocaine are gluten-free, so at least I wouldn’t be cheating on my diet.

  10. True. But I’ve never caught an STD from a donut’s hole.

  11. So….you have caught an STD from a hooker.

    Good to know.

  12. Yeah, hookers are like the least-safe option, and the doughnut would feel pretty decadent.

  13. wakey wakey. LOTS TO DO TODAY.

    Just gotta finish this coffee first.

  14. Unloading a 2nd truckload of auction stuff into our house.

  15. Aren’t you supposed to spread the ashes around?

    Yea, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with them. Grandma’s right here above my shelf. Dad kinda moves around the house a bit.

    I worry about Grandpa. My sister’s house isn’t the cleanest. He always hated that.

  16. So….you have caught an STD from a hooker.

    From a statistical perspective, you’re less likely to get an STD from a hooker as you are from a random Tinder swipe.

    /Cliff Clavin

  17. “So….you have caught an STD from a hooker.”

    Yes, but I did get a refund at least. Which I blew on donuts…

  18. Tinder is cheaper, though.

  19. Which I blew on donuts…
    You’re into some kinky stuff.

  20. I’d probably be knee deep in Tinder STDs if it didn’t require a Facebook page.

    Fuck that.

  21. I don’t even know what Tinder is.

  22. Grindr might not, and it might be more your thing anyhow.

  23. Har. Har. Har.

  24. I haven’t been able to get instapundit to load for two days.

  25. Tinder is the double-blind “I’m down to f*ck” app for smartphones, Carin.

    Grindr is the gay male version.

  26. I just discovered an old high school unfriended me on facedouche. I seem to recall pictures of her family with dem signs in her yard.

    Mystery solved.

    I’m conflicted. I mean, we were good friends in high school. But then again, she’s obviously an idiot.

  27. Gross.

  28. I mean, if I unfriended folks for posting stupid liberal shit, I’d have to unfriend my mom.

  29. I’m still not sure I understand Facebook. I would wager that it’s responsible for more pain than pleasure.

  30. I’ve seen that go both ways. A friend of mine unfriended a another friend over her relentless support of gay “marriage”. I guess he just got sick of her constant posts about it. He’s a religous man and a grandfather, and I think it just got tedious after he moved to Wisconsin and that was basically their only interaction.

  31. We should be able to unfriend people on the blog.

    There’s probably a term for this already. Wiserhammer?

  32. Facebook is a jooish plot to make the goyim feel misery and seek comfort in material things they can share on facebook.

    I mean, come on, Zuckerberg, amiright?

  33. That or it’s an MMO for women and women-like people where they win by acquiring followers and likes.

    But then so is Twitter.

  34. Heh, Newsmax magazine at the dr office, nice.

    Its a stress test followup, quit freaking out RIGHT NOW!


    I’m glad I got the fuck out of the Army when I did. There are plenty of days that I miss it, and then there are days where I read this shit.

  36. You should ask if Cheez Whiz is stress test friendly.

  37. Jay, have you considered smoking? It might help with all of the stress.

  38. Red Meth is a super stress buster too.

  39. You know what busts stress? Finding a girl on tindr to give you the “Cheez Whiz Treatment”.

  40. Im in cardiology, i dont think im allowed the cheez whiz treatment. Treadmill is hard work!

  41. The middle school veteran’s thing is good. Same site as the recorder concert. Pretty big crowd, about 40 veterans here. Lunch is rumored to be chicken.

  42. The kids are a little unclear on veterans vs memorial day.

  43. That lesbo Army story is some serious bullshit.

  44. My minion is so polite he let every other kid get in line for grabbing my lunch before him.

    *stress test*

  45. That sounds fun, Jim. Are you in uniform?

    Many adults are unclear on the two days as well; it’s no wonder that the kiddos are confused.

  46. The only uniform that would still fit is my bdu uniform. I gave my Class A’s away and never owned blues.

  47. I find it very telling that in the 2 1/2 years since that incident took place that the couple in question got married and then got divorced. I thought all of these gay couples were paragons of all that is good about marriage, and they were going to show the rest of us what we’ve been doing wrong.

    And one of the ladies in question has since left the Army.

  48. Don’t forget to demand cheese with your lunch.

  49. When I went to visit Mrs. Caruthers at the end of Basic, I saw guys doing the same thing with their girlfriends out and about in San Antonio, and I saw officers CALL THEM OUT. They were sneaking about like ninjas trying to catch them at it.

  50. Mashed potatoes with chunked chicken and gravy, carrots, corn, slice of bread and butter. Sadly, no cheese plate was offered. We’re getting the boot so the 7th graders can eat.

  51. Theresa,

    I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the women in question (probably the LT) was in a heterosexual relationship at this point. The whole thing sounds like a couple of girls looking to be the center of attention.

  52. When I was a young officer, the rules where “do that crap in private” and “don’t make an ass of yourself in front of the enlisted soldiers”.

  53. Many adults are unclear on the two days as well;

  54. Now all we need is for Mare to return, and sing her rendition of the Twelve Bullwhips of Xmas.

  55. She sent me an email a few days ago and specifically mentioned how much she hates you, HS.

  56. I thought I saw her Tweet that.

  57. She must still be pissed about the time I called her Sugartits. I already apologized for that, but evidently she isn’t over it yet.

  58. On the other hand, Cyn likes it when I call her that.


  59. inorite?!

    Can’t live with ’em, can’t get ’em to make a decent sammich.

  60. This is what I’m working with so far. I sang it MANY times last night till the Sherrif came and said I should go back inside,

    The Twelve Bullwhips Of XMass

    On the first day of XBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    A Cord Powered Fake Reg Reft

    On the second day of XBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    Two Natural Boobs

    On the third day of XBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    Three Family Jewels

    On the fourth day ofXBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    Four Corona Lights

    On the firth day of XBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    Five Golden Streams

    On the sixth day of XBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    Six Muppets Fisting

    On the seventh day of XBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    Seven Bakers Baking

    On the eighth day of XBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    Eight Trainers Training

    On the ninth day of XBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    Nine Tractors Beeping

    On the tenth day of XBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    Ten Dogs a Shedding

    On the eleventh day of XBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    Eleven Cocktails Shaking

    On the twelvth day of XBradTCmas Teh Hotstages gave to me,

    Twelve Bullwhips a Shoving.

    Whateve’ The graphics will carry it.

  61. That’s hilarious.

  62. I mostly go on facedouche to chat with far away friends. I mean, how else does one keep in contact?

  63. Good stuff, Mr. Chumpo!

  64. I mean, how else does one keep in contact?

    Letters through the USPS?

  65. I think we should rename XBradTCmas to H2Mas (H-two-Mass)

  66. But that’s fantastic, chumpo, well done!

  67. and almost family friendly!

  68. Bravo, Chumpo!

  69. Ok, what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you see this website?

    Rosetta – an album on Flickr

  70. Even MSN must be unhappy about Barky’s decision – this is the banner currently on the MSN home page:

    BREAKING NEWS: President Obama plans to announce immigration overhaul without congressional approval. Details to come.

    Gotta admit, it’s the first time I’ve seen the MSM mentioning him doing something WITHOUT Congressional approval….

  71. “Rosetta’s Journey” Heh that’s funny.

    Amazing photos.

  72. Rosetta’s Journey

  73. Rosetta killed it.

    *plays Taps

  74. It’s only mostly dead, like Jonathan Gruber’s parrot.

  75. Awesome. It’s snowing

  76. Okay, going on a rant here.

    My cunt of a sister-in-law and Hotbride own a condo that they bought when they moved their parents to America in 2005. Their parents are both dead now, and they’ve had tenants in the condo since 2012.

    The tenant wants to buy it, but because of the drop in the market, it’s not worth what they paid for it. Hotbride negotiated with the tenant to within $5,000 of what they paid for it, which is actually a win since they won’t need to pay a realtor.

    But the cunt’s dickface of a husband won’t agree to it. He wants to hold out for the full price. In the meantime, the tenant will probably bail, and when they do put it on the market, it will have to be through a realtor.

    Hotbride and her sister verbally accepted the deal, but when cumguzzler learned of it, he told his wife to back out of it.

    So Hotbride told her sister that she wanted them to buy out her half, but they refuse to consider it.

    I am contacting a lawyer right now, because I think she can quit claim her half of the deed to the tenant in exchange for half of the sale price. Beforehand she can amend the lease so that it is half the original rent.

    She is heartbroken over what a crook and liar her sister is.

  77. I tried sending it all to Michigan, but it fell in Iowa too. Sorry.

  78. Sounds like the husband is talking SIL into stuff. I wouldn’t be too hard on the sis.

  79. Whether Hotbride will be able to QC the deed depends on how she originally took ownership with the Siscunt, IIRC.

  80. Go get ’em, Hawtspur.

  81. Well, the lawyer said most any purchaser would insist on a warranty deed, not a quit claim deed. So that idea is out.

    I’m being hard on my SIL because when they bought it Hotbride was explicit that this was a deal between the two of them, and that dickface wasn’t to be brought in.

    As far as I am concerned both of them are cancelled. No more family gatherings. My nieces and nephew are welcome to visit anytime they like. But BIL and SIL are history.

  82. Jeez Spur. I’m in the EXACT same situation. I support ye. I haven’t talked to those greedy fuchs in many years.

  83. Joint own nothing. Not even with family. Too many horror stories.

  84. I was told years ago that partnerships have all of the disadvantages of a marriage and none of the advantages. When you go into partnership with a crook and a liar, you have a crook and a liar for a partner. It’s only a matter of time before they screw you over.

  85. But the cunt’s dickface of a husband won’t agree to it.
    He’s a fucking idiot. And unless he owns the house, it’s not his decision to make.

    Totally different topic: Why is HS always surrounded by cunts? Is he a toilet? Is he a gyno? Is he the gavel in Nancy Pelosi’s office? He he DWS’s thong?

  86. How are you organized as a small business, Hotspur? My dad is an LLC.

  87. HS is a pussy magnet.

    Unfortunately cunts are also pussies.

  88. No wonder you guys hang out so much.

  89. It’s worse with family. I wasn’t even looking out for my own interest. When they stole the property, I never saw it coming.
    Morel: leave your kids a well written will.

  90. Corporation

  91. Morels are like $50/lb dried.

  92. I’m one of those evil corporations you hear the left rabbiting on about all of the time.

  93. Sweet.

  94. Heavy snowfall now. Yay.

  95. Whiteout conditions. 0-blizzard in like 5min.

    I better get the gas can filled today.

  96. Where is the crossfit coach? I’m about to choke a bitch.

  97. choking someone is exercise

  98. I am culturally clueless. They keep airing a phone ad with some actor saying loudly, “So this isn’t just for celebrities, this is for everyone?” I have no idea who he is, but I think I’m supposed to.

  99. You guys must be imagining things – the Earth has a fevah; Al Gore says so.

    Snow in Michigan in November? Unpossible! Why, the polar ice caps are almost completely gone, according to their vaunted “models”

  100. I think that’s the point of those commercials, Roamy – the sales girl doesn’t appear to know that the dude is a “celebrity”, either.

  101. In California (indeed, most states) in addition to a will, you REALLY need a Revocable Living Trust. Far more control over the disposition of your assets, no probate, and essentially the same start up costs.

  102. I vaguely recognize the guy. I think he’s from Dawson’s Creek or 90210. We’ll have to ask Xbrad.

  103. Haven’t seen the commercial. Hell, I haven’t seen anything on TV except Wheel of Fortune for months.

  104. You can’t go wrong with The Wheel.

    Are you a Watcher?

  105. I’m not a guy, but #1 had me cringing:

  106. FIL has something set up with his estate, not sure what the right term for it is, but upon his death, his brokerage account automatically gets split between Mr. RFH, Mr. RFH’s sister, and the widower of the other sister. He keeps messing with the percentages between the three. Whatever it is is limited to three people.

    And yes, he is still with us. Coming up on one year on hospice care.

  107. No. It’s just we always eat dinner at 7pm, and rather than have to talk to XMom, I just turn the TV on.

  108. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk to you.

  109. What take the risk that she does?

  110. Good point. You have all of your bases covered.

  111. If there was a cable channel dedicated to Wheel of Fortune, you’d never had to talk to your mother again.

  112. *Invents television channel airing Wheel of Fortune and Matlock reruns

    *Collects pension checks

  113. Matlock in “Close That Window, I’m Chilly.”

  114. HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAH. I *just* closed a window for XMom.


  115. Matlock in “Dial N for Nap”

  116. Matlock in “Depends”

  117. Matlock in “Can You Scrape My Bunions?”

  118. Hehhhheeh

  119. Matlock in “They’re Stealing My Medicine!”

  120. Matlock in “Let’s Go Home; I’m Missing My Programs”

  121. Matlock in “What Kind of Clip Joint is This?”

  122. Matlock in “Dinner at 4PM”

  123. Matlock in “The Orderlies Whore Me Out to the Greenskeepers!”

  124. Matlock in “Where Did I Put My Teeth?”

  125. Matlock in “I Take Viagra So I Don’t Roll Out of Bed”

  126. Matlock in “Of course I leave my blinker on and go 40 in a 55 zone.”

  127. Matlock in “Of course I leave my blinker on and go 40 in a 55 zone.” in the fast lane.

  128. Matlock in “The 39 Walkers”

  129. Matlock in ” It’s Time for Bed, I’ve Got an 8:00 AM Tee Time with MCPO.”

  130. Matlock in “Have You Seen My Pussycat?”

  131. Matlock in “I Had an Onion on My Belt”

  132. Matlock in “Who Shot MCPO?”

  133. Did anybody realize that anybody else’s test drive had turned into a carjacking today?

  134. Matlock in “Let Me Tell You About Seeing Rosemary Clooney at the USO” (for the hundredth time)

  135. Matlock in “Socks and $5 for Christmas”

  136. Matlock in “Your Mom.”

  137. No wait, that was Bill Cosby.

  138. Matlock in “Are You Sure This Coupon Is Expired?”

  139. Matlock in “It’s For My Glaucoma, Honest”

  140. This poat goes well with the “Old Gray Mare” video on AoS.

  141. Matlock in “I Can’t Remember Why I Came In Here”

  142. Matlock in “It’s Worked for Thirty Years, Why Would it Break Now?”

  143. Mattock in “I Walked Four Miles to School – Uphill Both Ways”.

  144. Matlock in “Why Isn’t It Okay To Say ‘Orientals’?”

  145. “Matlock in Angela Lansbury”


  146. Matlock in “Matlock Does Siam”

  147. Matlock in “There’s too many buttons on this remote!”

  148. Matlock in “Turn Off That Fucking Rock & Roll”.

  149. Matlock in “Who Touched The Thermostat?”

  150. Matlock in “What’s the Soup of the Day?”

  151. Matlock in “Hard Rock Candy Mountain.”

  152. Matlock in “Get Off My Lawn!”

  153. Matlock in “Velcro On Shoes is Awesome”.

  154. Matlock in “The Darkies are Stealing My Medicine”

  155. Matlock in “Sure, Install Another Toolbar”

  156. Matlock in “What? What Did You Say?”

  157. Matlock in “Wow, That Hotspur Guy is Old, huh?”

  158. Matlock in “We’re taking the RV to Tucson for the winter”.

  159. Matlock in “Hotspur – Like the Best Grandson Ever”.

  160. Matlock in “I Soiled Myself Again.”

  161. Matlock in “Have We Met Before?”

  162. Matlock is “Walking the Mall!”

  163. Matlock in “Dead two years but still voting a straight Democrat ticket”

  164. Matlock in “The Afterlife”

  165. Mattock in “Who Wants Some Ribbon Candy”

  166. Matlock in “These jokes about my age made a lot more sense before I, you know, died”

  167. Matlock in “HELLOOOO. Dead.”

  168. Matlock in “I can’t believe Abe Vigoda fucking beat me.”

  169. Matlock: MOTHERFUCKER

  170. #abevigodasmom

  171. Holy carp, you people are funny.

  172. How is your kidney?

  173. Never better.

    How’s your back?

  174. The oncology treatment center has blocked our POS site so I’m commenting in the werdpuss reader thingy.

  175. All done already. TTFN

  176. What. The. Fuch. I will knife a fuching oncology person.

  177. I put my socks on without help.

  178. Holy Crap,

    Just found a video archive of my grandfather’s sermons dating back to 1988.

    In tears right now.

    There was one church in Arlington that took the effort to video (back in the early days).

    Wow. Still crying.

    Here is Phat’s Grandfather telling you why you’re saved (from 1988).

  179. He seems like a pretty good speaker, Phat.

  180. Chumpo.

    He was a great preacher. Knew the Bible like the back of his hand.

    He had radio show in Dallas back in the ’70’s.

    Fun fact: left school in 7th grade to go work on the farm. Spent the rest of life as a butcher.

    Never a better man has lived.

    For better or worse, he’s the man who raised me.

  181. Awww, Phat. That’s wonderful. It must be amazing for you to see him again.

  182. What a treasure you found for the Phatspawn, too.

  183. Awesome Phat.

  184. It is colder here tonight than it is in Hartford CT.

    That ain’t even right

  185. Hey phat good find brother

  186. Howdy DiT.

    That’s good Phat. My Old Gramps was a butcher too. He would preach, but only when he’d had enough Burgie.

    I’m glad that you found an unknown group of video. Lucky day.

  187. It has been (unseasonably) warmer here than in Texas for days, but that is about to change. CT & TX are going to run side-by-side for a little bit, then diverge to our respective proper seasonal conditions.

    Well. Maybe not. We might just both stay freakin cold.

    It has been a nice few days here, though. But that’s over

  188. I can’t believe this stupid shit in November

    and I fret for what it means to peeps in the line of real winter.

    Dusting of snow here over the weekend.

    Calamity north and east of me.

    Ok I got milk and bread good luck.

  189. System was supposed to be East of us. About that…in the ‘teens tonight. Big baby only lets me have one window cracked a little bit.

  190. It was -11 this morning. It’s supposed to be near 40 with a chance of rain tomorrow. WTF?

  191. We barely reached 75 here today.

  192. Good Lord, you people are hilarious…..

  193. *cocktails and debrief*

  194. But they’re such nice briefs.

  195. *Sends Evan and Diet 7 to Cyn*

  196. Oooo low carb – good stuff thankie!

    How are you and Dan holding up?

  197. SIL and BIL were getting on my last nerve yesterday. Dan told me he’d handle everything after the funeral. I hope that MIL will be in the assisted living facility next to us by Dec 1. MIL called this morning to ask Dan if it was “true that her husband was dead?” He ended up spending most of today with her. Dementia sucks.

  198. Today was Dan’s birthday. He turned 50.

  199. Just a dusting of snow here but it’s foching freezing.

  200. Happy birthday to Dan; a bummer that it’s a tough one.

  201. Thanks. He was able to get some breastaurant time with friends while I was at work this afternoon.

  202. Car in, did you get any reviews of the Foo Fighters?

  203. Haha. .. Hooters!

  204. Twin Peaks! He had a Free Entree e-mail. Hooters was Sunday for the Steeler game.

  205. The only Hooters I’ve been to was on Mill ave. in Tempe. Is it still there? We had just finished a 4pm sound check across the street at some joint. We went to Hooters for the wings but we stayed because we all fell in lust with some server or other. I think by 9:30 they had cleared us out and held title to the BandMobile. we limped out of Tempe.
    happy Bday, Dan.

  206. Thanks, Mr Chumpo. Tilted Kilt is the only breastaurant I go to, because they hire guy servers too.

  207. We have an Ojos Locos here, but Dan finds the servers there very scary.

  208. Still pissed at the way Tilted Kilt treated Sean, Andy, and me.

  209. They were very nice to Cyn and I. Stupid UFC/MMA cover charges. Didn’t that Tilted Kilt close?

  210. What the Koch! i’ll knife a Fuchin Tiled Kiln Person…
    *falls backward into the Flatscreen, wakes up the frau*
    oh shit.

  211. The only Hooters I ever went to was in Taipei.

    Should’a called em Twinkies.

    Or Car ins

    *runs like hell*


  212. I have no idea, Oso. I haven’t been by there since.

  213. Hello faggots.

    Once I’m done fucking this asteroid up its spacehole I’m coming back to kick you all in the tiny sad things you call balls.

    Except for Cyn. She has giant balls dressed in Daisy dresses full of happiness and joy.

    *Hey are you the bus driver? No man, I’m Chumpo!*

    I love the Chumpo. And the rest of you miscreants.

  214. Rosie ‘member when you and MCPTO joined the “Reserves” and redefined the Buddy System. The laughter and the tears.

  215. Maybe I ‘memmer that…

    I do remember talking to Mrs. Chumpo on the phone and thinking how much she liked me and maybe wanted to pay me to cut you.

    Henry now “remembers” things which is an incredible awakening for him. This conversation happens 8 times a day:

    Daddy: Henry, get out of the fridge. What are you doing in there?

    Henry: Daddy! ‘memmer ‘memmer ‘memmer ‘memmer when I ate the macaroni and cheese?

    Daddy: Yes. It was 2 minutes ago. It’s still on your face.

    Henry: ‘memmer? Can I have more chocolate milk?


  216. Let’s teach Henry how to drive this winter. I’ll borrow my Uncles 280ZX. It’s got the same Richy Samborkya tape that has been stuck playing since 1985.

    Hold yer breath I’ll be there in 45 weeks.

  217. Unfortunately, I thought of some of my best Matlock material after I was out for the evening. I’ll leave them here for posterity, then derp.

    Matlock in: “Help! The President Is A Negro!”

    Matlock in: “I’d Like To Introduce You To Your New 23-Year-Old Filipina Stepmother”

    Matlock in: “An E-Mail And A Text Message Are The Same Thing, Right?

    Matlock in: “No, I’m Pretty Sure I Was In A Montgomery Ward Store Just Last Week”

  218. Rotten device, I’ll say it twice
    I’m too much, I’m too much comforted here
    Costs too much too much, we’ll derp you
    Everywhere eyes, nowhere to die
    No place to shove your sharpened heel
    I’m looking looking for a tired face
    In case you wanted to go
    I know, I’m breathing in to the end

  219. They don’t know Montgomery Ward stores, Double.

    You get the brown medal for Matlock in “Help! The President is a Neagro”

    I larfed and barfed.


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