Sorry about your epilepsy

Thanks to a guy I used to work with, I always get this shit stuck in my head around this time of year. And now you’ve got it stuck in yours!
 

 
Look at this spooooooky house!
 
spooky-whitehouse
I hear there’s a family of monsters inside. They feast on human suffering, high self-regard and wagyu beef, and they give trick-or-treaters arugula. Best to avoid it.
 
Finally, here’s a guy dressed as Thor, kind of. He and his buddies put about as much effort into their costumes as I put into this poat. Whatever, I don’t get paid for this shit.
 
derp-avengers

61 Comments

  1. This is the worst post ever.

  2. Agreed.

  3. Petit Mal with the commercial. Just like playing Tetris. Or going on Space Mountain at Disney. Barely twitching at all.

  4. TOO SOON FOR SPOOKY STUFF

    also Christmas stuff

  5. **starts GoFundMe to hire a hitman to kill Sean**

  6. I’m sorry, dave, but there just aren’t any holidays of note between Columbus Day and Halloween.

  7. 500 yds and 6 TDs.

  8. Fine. FINE

  9. Bumble Bee jersey. Rest of the year. Calling it.

  10. TOO SOON FOR SPOOKY STUFF

    Dude, Halloween is in 5 days.

    Yes, I just duded you. You’ve been duded.

  11. That was a sick burn, brah.

  12. 2 out of our last 3 Halloweens have been cancelled, snow storm and hurricane.

  13. Bumble Bee Beards

  14. Halloween will be canceled because of budget cuts this year.

  15. Everyone is gonna have to wait at least 21 days to get their candy out of quarantine, so it’s not even worth the hassle.

  16. Out of consideration for associates that are afraid of clowns, no one at Sam’s can dress up as clowns, and greeters will have to give clown alerts if a clown enters the Club.

  17. Clown alert? Serious?

  18. Clown Alerts, huh? They should have those for Congress. Am I right, foax?

  19. Scott, super serial. That will give affected associates a chance to get “Off-stage” before they see the clown.

  20. Sean, will you be here all week? Do we have to try the veal?

  21. #Coulrophobia

  22. Shriner’s does a remote outreach in our hospital once a year. The clowns come out for the day. As creeped out as I am with them I’ve never considered avoiding work that day.

  23. The fuck?

    I want a douchebag alert at work.

  24. 600 yds 6 TDs

    At least it wasn’t rape.

  25. I don’t like clowns, but these people are worse than I am on an elevator with Asians.

  26. I been something something something for Sunday Night.

  27. If I worked in Abq I’d want a cholo alert.

  28. *beep beep*

    Oh, hi MJ.

    *turns off dickhead alert*

  29. OMG, the constant wailing. Enough. Enough. I can’t even hear myself think in here.

    *removes batteries from Muppetfucker Alarm*

  30. Quite a few of our associates are cholos. 2 of our managers.

  31. I want an alert for these assholes who think they should treat a large retail store like it’s a fucking Moroccan bazaar. The dazzling array of otherworldly-bullshit-rationales that people will come up with to justify paying less for something that other people are paying full price for all day long, is amazing.

    “I bought fencing here a year ago and so you should give me a 10% discount on this riding mower.”

    Apparently having ever been a customer at any point in time means that all future purchases are negotiable.
    Sometimes, they’ll have had a bad experience at some other store, and demand that we restore their confidence by giving them a discount at our store. So, we have to do penance for our shitty competitors? I don’t think so.

    Or, even better:

    “You guys took 20% off that scratched refrigerator. How about you sell me the same model, new and in the box, for the same price?”

    How about you suck this

  32. Mare got a new office job.

    http://is.gd/vR3Wkq

  33. bad negotiators Laura

    bad negotiators

  34. Lauraw!!!! SQUEEE!!! OMG! We had to pull 5 recliners from the steel for a Member today. She thought the boxes looked roughly handled. Finally got her to accept the least damaged box. She kept trying to get a discount.

  35. There’s a category of female human in the world entitled, “It don’t ever get that late.” Admission to this category requires unfortunate genes combined with poor eating and hygiene habits. I just saw a picture of Janeen Shaheen the senator from one of those pissant NE states that Scott Brown is trying to get furloughed from DC. She qualifies for admission.

  36. Oso, last Summer I had a lady running her little patter on me, telling me that these steel patio chairs we were having an awesome sale on were flimsy and cheap.

    I pulled the stack of chairs out from under the rack, heaved the top chair off the stack, and fucking *threw* it on the floor. It sounded like Godzilla’s footfall. Those fricking things were heavy and absolutely sound.
    She shut up about all that flimsiness business. I understand and respect that people have to play the game, but you’re not getting better than a sale price on really good chairs at the height of the Summer season. Try again in Fall when we’re putting them in storage. If there’s any left.

    One douchebag in particular today was trying to get a certain popular Fall item at a discount when it is so sought-after that we practically can’t keep them in the store. And acting all indignant that we were unable to join him on Planet Bullshit.

  37. I want an alert for these assholes who think they should treat a large retail store like it’s a fucking Moroccan bazaar. The dazzling array of otherworldly-bullshit-rationales that people will come up with to justify paying less for something that other people are paying full price for all day long, is amazing.

    “I bought fencing here a year ago and so you should give me a 10% discount on this riding mower.”

    Apparently having ever been a customer at any point in time means that all future purchases are negotiable.
    Sometimes, they’ll have had a bad experience at some other store, and demand that we restore their confidence by giving them a discount at our store. So, we have to do penance for our shitty competitors? I don’t think so.

    Or, even better:

    “You guys took 20% off that scratched refrigerator. How about you sell me the same model, new and in the box, for the same price?”

    How about you suck this

    ——————–

    So…did they get the discount?

  38. No. I jumped him and hogtied him, and all us employees took turns taking 10% off of him, until he was free.

    We call this treatment ‘The Deep Discount.’

  39. Food for thought: Some people go all the way to Amsterdam to pay good money to have people do that to them.

  40. Hahaha

  41. My favorite is people wanting a discount for buying bulk. From Sam’s Club.

  42. I used to buy paint and stuff at an art supply store when I was in my teens. Sign inside:
    We do not give ‘Artist Discounts.’ Use of materials is not a basis for discount.

  43. I suppose it’s a function of culture and I’m just not used to it.

    Down here we just pay for shit when we want it or don’t want it bad enough to pay the price. We don’t pick on the people whose job it is to help us around the stuff.

  44. * asks for right-handed discount *

  45. Oprah used to have shows that would feature barter people. We could always tell when they’d aired by the number of people that would ask to speak to managers, since it never “hurts to ask”. We should make it hurt to ask!

  46. Dicker down

  47. Imagine 100 monkeys in 100 cages, screaming, shrieking and banging on the bars.

    That’s what my dipshit detector is doing right now.

  48. Have to go with DiT here. Never even considered trying to beat down a clerk at Lowes or HD on stuff.
    When we built our house, the folks at Lowes talked to Anita about appliances & fixtures.
    She signed-up for a Lowes card and got a discount. Made many trips. Our detached garage was full of boxes. By the time she was done buying, the folks there were addressing her by name and showing her stuff that she might want, as they knew what we were doing and might need.
    I think they were amused that an *elderly* lady was buying toilets, sinks, faucets, stove, tank-less water heater, fridge, dish-washer, etc…
    They had fun, she had fun, they made money.
    Win, win…

  49. It’s a $20 cash deposit to borrow a golf club here. This is non-negotiable. The reason behind this is that if you break or run off with the club, we keep your cash. That said, people try to give you all kinds of other shit in exchange for the clubs.

    -“Can I just leave my driver’s license?”
    -“I’ll give you my credit card. You can hold onto that.”
    -“How about the keys to my truck?”
    -“My cheeldren. I geev you my cheeldren, yes?”
    -“Here, have this painting. It’s a real Picasso.”

    No. Twenty dollars. Cash.

  50. Sean, how about a Tic Tac? Will you take a Tic Tac?

  51. People would sometimes do things like this with me in my own store, because it was a small business. It was kind of insulting, because it directly impacted me and directly discounted my labor while working for them. But, I get it. I understand why they felt it was appropriate to ask for a discount in some situations there.

    But I never, ever, ever knew that people also do this with large retail stores, until I started working at this place. It would never occur to me to even try, as a consumer.

  52. Imagine 100 monkeys in 100 cages, screaming, shrieking and banging on the bars.

    That’s what my dipshit detector is doing right now.

    You should stop typing and open a window.

  53. What DinT said – I absolutely HATE “bargaining”. Tell me the price, and I’ll decide if I want your product enough to pay what you’re asking.

    I would not do well in a Middle Eastern bazaar.

  54. It’s nice that MJ visits his mom.

  55. Target was pretty strict about markdowns. They were all tracked electronically and had to be researched and accounted for. Usually in conjunction with Assets Protection.

  56. MMM goes live at 608am.

    I managed to not burn down my woods today, but it was touch and go for a little bit there, and I’ve got the blisters and lost leg hair to prove it.

  57. Green Bay kinda fell apart. Too bad.

  58. Did anybody stop anybody else from saving Hitler’s brain today?

  59. Heh. Sean, you made me think of this funny old song.
    Donky Shane.

    http://tinyurl.com/lo2h3g7

  60. Guess I got what I deserved
    Kept you waiting there too long, my love
    All that time without a derp
    Didn’t know you’d think that I’d forget or I’d regret
    The special love I had for you, my baby blue


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