Posts Against Humanity

So we played Cards Against Humanity last night with Wiser as host. Cyn was smart/sexy/nice/sexy/sexy/sexy enough to add in custom cards with H2 names and themes. It made the event, hosted by Wiser, hilarious. It’s possible that was the best Meatface idea ever.

Shots consumed by Wiser during game = 5. Shame felt by Wiser = 0. Jokes made by xBrad = 0.5. Bloody knees = 4. Relatives consumed by Tushar = 2.5. Hours Rosetta slept = 42. Your mom jokes = 967,811. Police officers met = 2. Planned bannings = 5. Happy Birthday Michael = 14. Drunk, weird pilots showing their junk = 1. Walls climbed = 1. Tiger sightings = 16.3. Indians = 11ty. Strippers = 0 (boo!). Chaz Bono sightings = 3. Oso’s weird memory gift mentioned = I can’t remember. Micro penis stories = 1. Hostages that thought MJ was really a midget = 2. Aspirin consumed = 560. Checking out GNDs ass = 123. Sunburns = 6.

Crimes Against My Junk:

When I showed Wiser my ________ he fainted, and hit his ________ on the coffee table.

And a many thanks to Cyn for an incredible weekend!!!!!!!! The hostess with the mostess….TITS.

54119805

126 Comments

  1. Checking out GNDs ass = 123

    I am disappointed in you all.

    http://is.gd/e8hHNW

  2. Card of the night: dick fingers

  3. You guys didn’t vote to ban me, did you?

  4. What the hell is happening in that gif?

    Is that like a class or something?

  5. Someone told me that is a stripper move that you can pay extra for at bachelor parties to em bare ass the groom and scar him for life, most likely.

  6. That’d drive my glasses into my eyes and blind me.

  7. What an awesome weekend!
    Leaving for the airport now.

    GND is the sweetest lady, and has all the qualities to be a Hostage.

    It was weird for all us old folks to hang out with these kids. MJ is about 25 year old, and GND can’t be more than 22.

  8. MJ is 38, Tushar, if not 39. He’s a few months older than I am.

    And if GND is really 22 I hate him a lot.

  9. Been up in North Dakota
    Missed all the fun

  10. Last night I learned it was surprisingly easy to make a joke about kids with ass cancer.

  11. GND is 34. (Yes, I went there….) But you’re right – she only looks 20.

  12. GND is 34 but has the (cancer free) ass of a 10 year old boy.

  13. And I am officially the Old Lady of the blog.
    Get off my lawn, you whippersnappers.

  14. Boston butt is in the smoker.

    Lapeer Fat Bastard (LFB) is still alive.

  15. GND may be all that, but she *is* dating MJ. There must be something wrong with her.

  16. Sean, Mr. TiFW, and I know where all the bodies are buried. We are all now accepting hush money in our PayPal accounts.

  17. BOO for Tushar”s early flight.

    Dang, we missed you at breakfast.

    Safe travels, Your Awesomeness.

  18. Sigh. I pay a flattering compliment to that beautiful young couple, and y’all have to get envious and start analyzing their age. The fukk is wrong with you?

  19. Oh, and for those who could not make it, Lipstick is one smoking hawt lady.

    Valley girl!

  20. *sends check and Charlotte recruitment kit to Tushar

    Lots ‘o finance industry jobs in Charlotte. Just sayin’.

  21. Now I’m going to read all of her comments with a valley girl accent.

    Like totally.

  22. Dude, I am NOT a Valley Girl!!

  23. Tushar thinks that any female who lives in California is a Valley Girl.

  24. Every female who lives in California is not a Valley Girl !!!

  25. I feel quite strongly about this slur, in case you haven’t noticed

  26. Alright, alright.

    Lippy is NOT a valley girl.

  27. Occupy Airport.

    Tushar, I didn’t get to say goodbye. You were a fucking blast, as usual.

    Glad you enjoyed the prime rib, man.

  28. >>GND is 34 but has the (cancer free) ass of a 10 year old boy.

    I too have the ass of a 10 year old boy, in addition to the ass of a 41 year old fat man.

  29. pay a flattering compliment to that beautiful young couple, and y’all have to get envious and start analyzing their age. The fukk is wrong with you?

    You new here?

    /wiserbud

  30. Hotspur, it was my pleasure to meet you again!

    And thanks for guiding me through the intricacies of cow cuisine.

  31. About to take off.
    Catch you all later.

  32. Have a good flight Tushar, it was great seeing you again!

  33. Off to hooters to watch the Cowgirls play the butt-pirates from SF.

    May move to a different bar depending on the Talent level.

  34. Lippy is from some valley in Pennsyltucky. Probably more of a yinzer.

  35. Occupy second homeport.

    I’m terribly disappointed in everyone. No one was funny, kind, or Indian.

  36. I wasn’t envious – I thought for sure MJ had robbed some cradle! They are both so cute….

  37. It’s not about envy, TiFW. Taking cheap shots is just what we do.

  38. Jimbro and Pups were nice enough to put up lonely links for me yesterday, so I had that going for me. I hope I didn’t wish cast a haboob and ruin rooftop pool time. Totes not jelly. Totes.

  39. This soup is too fucking dry!!!!!!

    Bring me a salad.

    Chop chop.

  40. Like so?

  41. Exactly, Mj.

    You need a booster chair tonight, or are you just going to sit on your knees again?

  42. On plane. Fuck I hate this.

  43. Oh, stop whining.

  44. Booster chair, please. But not the pink one. I felt more queer than Hotspur at a bullwhip convention in that thing.

  45. Hope Hotbride is well enough for all the traveling you both have planned.

  46. For free record, I really missed you at this meat face, Car in.

  47. Perhaps you may want to buy one of these for your home?

    You could have a few friends over too.

  48. Occupy Pina Coloda

  49. Pat promises I can go to the next one.

    I’ll get him to sign and agreement in blood later tonight.

  50. Real life friends? No thanks.

  51. Car in, Dan too. I may need to get it in blood while the whining is still fresh and annoying.

  52. I kicked ass today.

  53. You could sit Bert and Ernie in the other two spots.

  54. Packapalooza.

  55. I didn’t whine too much at home, but Pat knows I wanted to go .

    He wanted to know what everyone did, so I told ’em everyone touched MJ’s balls, and Tushar fell down drunk in the street.

    That sums it about up, right? Oh, and Lippy earned $20 – I probably know how.

  56. I did not kick ass today. I did some cleaning (nothing crazy), went to a soccer game, made gazpacho, and now I’m smoking meat.

  57. Did you earn $20 for that last chore?

  58. I’m gonna go for a six mile run in a bit. I’m just waiting for it to get just a touch cooler.

  59. So, I’m planning a trip to Nashville in June for a TAS reunion. Got the hotel codes. Dan is going to Nashville, but he isn’t doing any “Nerd shit”. Told Dan the codes were online. Dan: Do they have a rooftop pool? Me: Glares. Dan: I’ll book it.

  60. Patriots lost. My only consolation is I’m not a Cowboys fan.

  61. We lost to the Titans. Titan fans are drunken hillbillies. Saw a bunch of ’em removed from a Jaguar game. It was like being surrounded by a bunch of Raider fans…only Anglo.

  62. I was surprised Jimbro.

    I watched the tail end of the first half and it looked to my like the Patriots would cruise to an easy win.

  63. Miami got their mojo back for the second half unfortunately.

  64. http://is.gd/H2bOXo

  65. Awww…Puppeh!

  66. Went on a rum run just now in Tempe. Maybe a mile walk.

    I damn near died. How did people live here before AC?

    Had to stop at two bars just to cool off and hydrate/dehydrate.

    Going to the pool.

  67. The more conspiracy-minded Hostages might suspect that drunk pilot Chad was a plant.

    As in, ‘Well, Phat was drunk, but not ‘Chad Drunk’.

    Overton Window, bitches! I’m all strategic like that.

  68. Message to the remaining Hostages in Tempe: Rula Bula at 6:30 for dinner.

  69. Phat, they didn’t. See also TX. AC is the greatest invention EVER!!!

  70. I just went back and read Cuffy’s post about Steve the Reunion Guy.
    That is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

    “Undaunted, Steve was in our coolers like a lavender walrus on a mackerel:”

    HA HA HA

  71. Oh, MAAAN.

    I played Cards Against Humanity this Summer with two friends and a bunch of people I don’t know. It was awesome. I cannot even imagine how much better it would have been with you people, but it’s gotta be at least x100.

  72. We are back from our drive, Lips is on her way to the airport, I am thirsty, carry on

  73. http://tinyurl.com/ovd2d6p

  74. >>>I cannot even imagine how much better it would have been with you people, but it’s gotta be at least x100.

    You’re not even close.

    Cyn made extra cards with all of the attendees names on them, as well as other H2 related stuff.

    The question was “my favorite thing to masturbate to is _____ .”

    The winning card was “XBrad.”

    After the laughter finally died down, I looked around to see who had played that card. There sits Hotspur, trying desperately to hide his face.

    Holy carp, we must have laughed for another 5 minutes.

  75. “and now I’m smoking meat.”

    hmm

  76. Cyn, lots of young, male German engineers in the pool.

    They work for Volkswagen. Just saying.

  77. Told them we’d be at Rula Bula. They may show up.

    Also a huge titted woman from TA&M was there. She may show up as well.

    COAlex can verify the size of her cans.

    If you like that kind of thing (and I DO!), they were awesome.

  78. I’m going to be in Chicago at the end of the month. Any you fools close to there?

  79. No. You should go somewhere else.

  80. Urgh. It’s National Football Day, opening day of football season, the only day of the year I really look forward to.

    Wake up a little after 4:00, working before the sun came up. Then, the compressor dies. Had to set up an old compressor to get back up and running. Diagnose a faulty motor. Look online, factory replacement (which died!!!) is $450 + shipping. Hell, the whole compressor was only $650. Try to find replacement on Sunday, good luck.

    Finally go in to watch part of a game, get a text from Penelope that her parent’s neighbors called and think the sewer is backing up in the in-laws house. WTF??? Unless it’s running under the door, how would they know?

    Sooo I get to drive into town and check. Fortunately, no sewage in the house. Evidently the main sewer is stopped up somewhere downstream and the whole town is backing up. I pulled the caps on the cleanouts outside, so if it continues to back up it will run out there and not into the house.

    I will fucking cut the first person who quotes this and then adds a snarky comment.

    I’m lookin’ at you Scoot.

  81. Also a huge titted woman from TA&M was there. She may show up as well.
    COAlex can verify the size of her cans.

    They were aftermarket and they were spectacular.

  82. I miss you guys…

    Well, most of you anyway.

    Update on son: He has some rare blood proteins, in addition to a positive blood type. Transplant match chance is really low. Luckily, he is not on dialysis yet.

    It is a blessing that autism means he doesn’t know how sick he is.

    Wish I could have been there at T.I.T.S.

  83. You didn’t miss anything Mundane, they had a horrible time.

  84. Prayers for you and your son, Mundane.

  85. Ok I will tell my boss that

  86. Sohos! If you had come here just a few days earlier, we could have convinced you to join us for T.I.T.S.

  87. Like coal to Newcastle.

  88. I lost my virginity to Tushar.

  89. Went to see Geanne Robertson this afternoon. She was pretty funny for someone who works clean. Wife enjoyed her a lot.

  90. MMM will sprout at 557am.

  91. Thoughts and prayers, Mundy.

  92. Sounds like Poope got his period.

  93. >>Comment by Teresa in Fort Worth, TX on September 7, 2014 9:46 pm
    I lost my virginity to Tushar.

    ha ha! I was so embarrassed, I couldn’t even turn around and look at TiFW and Paul.

  94. Tell your boss you need to go to lapeer, Sohos.

  95. Tell your boss you need to go to lapeer, Sohos.

  96. Girls college soccer players watched doing calisthenics in the pool = 15

    Middle age guys perving over them = 5

  97. Nobody goes to Chicago.

  98. Middle aged?

  99. OMG!
    H2 has the “Double Post Disease” from AoS!

  100. Are you kidding, Tush? Just who do you think submitted that card?

  101. hey all

    want to see life summed up in one gif?

    i.imgur.com/STcRW6c.gif

  102. “Urgh. It’s National Football Day, opening day of football season, the only day of the year I really look forward to.

    Wake up a little after 4:00, working before the sun came up. Then, the compressor dies. Had to set up an old compressor to get back up and running. Diagnose a faulty motor. Look online, factory replacement (which died!!!) is $450 + shipping. Hell, the whole compressor was only $650. Try to find replacement on Sunday, good luck.

    Finally go in to watch part of a game, get a text from Penelope that her parent’s neighbors called and think the sewer is backing up in the in-laws house. WTF??? Unless it’s running under the door, how would they know?

    Sooo I get to drive into town and check. Fortunately, no sewage in the house. Evidently the main sewer is stopped up somewhere downstream and the whole town is backing up. I pulled the caps on the cleanouts outside, so if it continues to back up it will run out there and not into the house.”

    Then what happened?

  103. Jenn
    Since your gif is all fucked up and doesn’t work at all, I guess that it really IS the best summary of life in the world..

  104. Home.

    Sean is buried in a very, very shallow grave about 75 miles east of here.

  105. Lipstick had a Jimmy Buffet moment and blew out a flip flop and skinned her knees this morning.

    Or so she says.

  106. 75 miles east is the desert. Shoulda just let the rattlesnakes eat him.

  107. Every meatup has its own dynamic so it’s hard to compare one to another, but this one is going to be hard to top. The toast Wiserbud made to Michael last night was a beautiful moment. One of us dumbasses should have recorded it.

  108. Since your gif is all fucked up and doesn’t work at all, I guess that it really IS the best summary of life in the world..

    hmm it works for me. must be particular

  109. Going to the hot tub.

    Clothing optional for everyone except COAlex and Wiserbud,

    Talked the Texas lady with the bolt-ons, she may join us later.

    This weekend got real weird, real fast.

  110. Going to the pool.

  111. Knee Wiserbud in the nads for me, will ya? I forgot to do it while I was out there.

  112. Thank goodness the weekend is almost over so I can get some rest.

  113. Germans were still at the pool.

    Hot tub was hot, pool was colder. Room is 62 F.

    Life is AWESOME.

  114. 62°? And you’re going to meet some chick with bolt ons? Her nipples will be bigger than your junk.

  115. Did anybody thank anybody else for a really great, nearly molestation-free weekend today?

  116. Hotspur,

    For the record, my junk is EPIC!

    Chad has been the last person to touch it, but the night is young.

  117. Damn, may need to go back and edit that.

  118. Usually at a meatup I stay ’til Monday. This time I did not, and I’m regretting it.

  119. Lipstick had a Jimmy Buffet moment and blew out a flip flop and skinned her knees this morning.

    Carpet burn. Brings back memories.

  120. Chad has been the last person to touch it, but the night is young.

    Remember Phat, if you rub it against an unsuspecting flight attendant and then act like it was an accident, it doesn’t count.

  121. I met Sean and Xbad for the first time this wweekend and lips and co Alex

    He is kind of smart

  122. We have decided to replace the Indian scale of drunkeness to the new and improved “Chad” scale.

    0.0 is sober. 1.0 is dead.

    Example: 0.8 on the Chad scale requires hospitalization and possibly a stomach-pump.

    Please to be using the Chad scale in all future TPS reports.

  123. What score designates that junk has been brandished?

  124. >>>>What score designates that junk has been brandished?

    0.7 sound about right?

  125. At that level can they even find their pants?

    hmmm, thinking…..thinking…..

    Depends on the person, I guess. Some people will drop trou at the slightest excuse. Three drinks doesn’t make a good “I was sooo drunk” excuse.

    Some people just like to drop ’em.

  126. They say that all good things must derp some day
    Autumn leaves must fall
    But don’t you know that it hurts me so
    To say goodbye to you
    Wish you didn’t have to go
    No no no no


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