Saturday sleep-in

New day, new poat. Let’s see what’s in the funneh folder.
wait time
Sorry for the pic of Zero, but this makes a good point.
competence
Last but not least.
tolerance
That’ll do. Y’all have a good day.

219 Comments

  1. So, last night I got stiffed on a $108 tab. Kids, who ate like kings. Crab. Porterhouse. Zero tip.
    The hostesses knew them from school- they went to school with my kids.
    And you guys thought Facebook was useless.

  2. Live that second picture do much I want to marry it.

  3. Love so …..

  4. Just read that the Polar Vortex will make an early return this fall. Time to order the firewood. And more blankets.

  5. I bet the global warming models predicted this.

  6. *chops down all the trees*
    *buys 3M stuff to cover windows*

  7. *calls gravel guy*
    *gets driveway redone in salt*

  8. >>Comment by Jimbro on August 9, 2014 9:15 am
    >>Just read that the Polar Vortex will make an early return this fall. Time to order the firewood. And more blankets.

  9. Home Depot has wood pellets and snow blowers out already.

  10. I think after that iconic image it’s basically a crime to name your daughter “Winter”, which is a shame because it’s pretty.

    And now also hilarious.

  11. If God would grant me one request, it is to make it snow heavily 24/7 in whatever city Al Gore happens to be in. Basically make it so that this fucker has no choice but to live in the wild alone, because no city will allow him in.

  12. COUNTDOWN

    27 days ’til TITS.

  13. I would turn him into a goat and send him to Iraq.

  14. >>Comment by scott on August 9, 2014 9:38 am
    I would turn him into a goat and send him to Iraq.

    you want to make him happy? Weird.

  15. Tushar reminded me of Douglas Adams character “the Rain God”. It had rained on him wherever he was, every day, all day, his entire life. He’d lived in England, so all he did was bitch about it.

    Never bothered going to, say, the Sahara.

  16. http://imgur.com/gallery/cZX2mLQ

  17. Leon, I am at 210.6 lb. 13 lb lost so far. It looks like I lose weight very slowly. Have lost 3+ inches around the waist.

    The rack gets assembled today.

  18. Great progress. Weight comes off at different speeds at different times. Don’t be surprised if it slows down a lot as you start lifting more. Keep measuring the waist.

  19. I have been doing LCHF diet since Apr 15. Almost four months. I have never been this persistent my whole life.

  20. This one is funny:

  21. At 3# per month, by this time next year you’ll be lighter than me.

  22. Funny *fact* about the climate models that are used:

    We stand up a High Performance Cluster for research every year, and the climate modelers always test their code to make sure there are no issues with the new processors. My friend ask one of the researchers what they look for to verify the code. His answer: “If it predicts global warming, then it’s working”. Talk about predictive results!

  23. In 6 years, he’ll be gone.

  24. …than I.

  25. From the dumb files:

    http://imgur.com/gallery/ZVjkS

  26. Turns out Reagan was assassinated. Add him to the list.

  27. Hotspur?

  28. Tsk tsk tsk.

    Godwin’s Law, Tushar.

  29. This is a great reaction gif.

  30. Hotspur, haven’t you heard the term ‘Grammar Nazi’?

    It is not an actual nazi, just a quasi-nazi. Like soup nazi.
    Leave poor Mike Godwin out of this.

  31. I’m a rum nazi.

  32. Tushar, you’re coming to TITS, right?

    First one is on me.

  33. That last one was just so I could use the term I thunk up: quasi-nazi.

    It does not sound funny to Americam ears because you would pronounce it as qua-zai nat-zi.

    The brits and indians pronounce it as qua-zee naa-zee, which rhymes well.

  34. Hotspur, I sure am. I have vowed not to miss any.

  35. I’ve been enjoying a little of this lately: http://sailorjerry.com/the-rum/

  36. I’ve had that, it’s pretty good.

  37. Spiced rum is not my thing. Not that I think it’s bad or anything.

  38. A dog walks into a bar and asks: “May I please…………………….. have a drink?”
    To which the bartender replies: “Why the big pause?”

  39. I keep a small havahart trap on the patio to keep the critter population down. Over the last 24 hours, I have trapped two wrens and a garter snake.

    This never happens.

  40. I always liked the way my English relatives said Nazi like “Nahhhhhhhzee”
    Really much more disdainful

    Also in “The Producers”..

  41. http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/aug/8/marijuana-smokers-sue-san-diego/

    They unionized? HA!

  42. Saw on the side bar to your link, scott, that Jarrett is in secret talks with Liawatha.

  43. If we can’t beat her, we are doomed.

  44. Saw on the side bar to your link, scott, that Jarrett is in secret talks with Liawatha.

    I’ve been saying this for months and I’ll keep repeating it: Hillary will not be the President. She won’t even be the nominee if the White House can help it. They know that if Hillary wins the White House she’ll completely destroy Obama’s “legacy” and rewrite history in her favor. Obamacare will become “a good intention but disastrously flawed execution” crafted by amateurs that Hillary had to step in and save. The same thing will happen with foreign policy as well. Hell, I can imagine that she’ll even admit to the IRS scandals and throw Obama loyalists under the bus.

  45. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is reviewing its rules about ivory imports after two teenage bagpipers from New Hampshire had their instruments seized at the Canadian border.

    A spokesman for the service said Friday they recognize musicians have unique circumstances.

    We can spot and seize a few ounces of ivory incorporated into a bagpipe when it crosses the border, but we are just completely unable to stop thousands of poor children Central American gang members doing the same thing.

    Huh. Weird.

  46. I still find it utterly implausible any Republican can win in 2016. But if the proggies want to sink Cankles, they had better get their candidate in gear, whoever it may be. Time’s a-wastin’.

  47. Heard a blurb on the radio of asshole in chief saying that the Iraqis need to step up their own selves and come together to form a cohesive government. Did I hear that right?
    I thought the main problem they were having was one of being overrun by barbaric terrorists that Obama armed.

  48. No doubt Jarrett is telling her that she and her brown shirts will help get her elected in exchange for Jarrett continuing to call the shots.

  49. […] h/t: ScottW […]

  50. I thought the main problem they were having was one of being overrun by barbaric terrorists that Obama armed.

    Silly beasn. Didn’t you know LD said barely two months ago:

    The world is less violent than it has ever been. It is healthier than it has ever been. It is more tolerant than it has ever been. It is better fed then it’s ever been. It is more educated than it’s ever been.

    http://hotair.com/archives/2014/06/12/obama-declares-world-less-violent-than-ever/

  51. xbrad:
    You know who thinks there’s a military solution in Iraq?

    ISIS.

    *awards xbrad gold medal of internet pithiness*

  52. I still find it utterly implausible any Republican can win in 2016.

    It’s like the GOP ‘leadership’ doesn’t want to win. The only time they have fought hard and brought out the dirty fighting was to defend establishment incumbents.

  53. Over the last 24 hours, I have trapped two wrens and a garter snake.

    Dinner!

  54. http://tinyurl.com/ofa3sqx

  55. Wow. Dead.

  56. Kinda funny, given my link.

  57. Pups,
    That’s pretty funny this morning.
    On the scanner this morning there was a 30s white female weeding her front flower beds while shirtless.
    Within 5 minutes, a call about a black female in her 20s repeatedly ringing someones front doorbell.
    Is it “topless day” and i wasn’t informed?
    It’s not noted on my calender…

  58. Ebolabama killed it.

  59. If Fat Bastard comes back after this he is officially a zombie.

    I just took a really good shot at him. His head was sticking out of the bushes and I aimed right at the center of it.

    To check the sights I walked of the distance, stuck a screw into a piece of cardboard and took the exact same shot.

    I missed the screw by 1/4 inch.

  60. Scott,
    Aren’t you going to find the body so Laura can clean him and braise him in a light cream-sauce?

  61. You shot Michael Moore?

  62. His den is a fortress. The opening is about 8 feet into a row of forsythia. Judging by all the damage he’s done to our patio, his living quarters are probably under the garage.

  63. Scott, TexasJew just shared some technology with IDF that can hunt down rodents who build underground tunnels. You may want to ask him for the recipe.

  64. His den is a fortress.

    Just make sure your response is not disproportionate. You stole his land and what else can he do but use his offspring as rodent shields? There is no military solution to this. You must negotiate. I hear John Kerry is available to mediate.

  65. If my neighbor wasn’t such a bitch I would have used that gas thingy.

  66. The neighbor has to sleep, right?

  67. Hose
    Exhaust pipe

    Some assembly required.

  68. You are a genius.

  69. Go the “Caddyshack” route –

  70. Tushar

    Got a response from the head of the IDF division doing this. concerning my ideas on locating the already-duv tunnels.
    It was kind of been there, done that.
    In short, they had already tried part of it previously but amazingly it really didn’t do the job as well as it should have.
    They are, however, trying out another technique using vertical seismic profiles – something I suggested in my email.
    So they’re well along but as of yet there is no magic bullet, it appears
    The real worry is the northern border with Hezbullah, but that is very rocky and hard to tunnel silently.

  71. Today’s TiFW family excitement involved a full Sonic coke falling over on the computer desk and the lid falling off.

    Oh, well – it gave us an excuse to clean up the cables behind the desk and do some much-needed dusting, rearranging of clutter, etc.

  72. Yea!
    After waiting 4 days, my parts to fix the top of the washing machine agitator arrived!
    The one-way drive-dogs had worn-out and the top of the agitator just sat there, instead of agitatin’.
    Five minutes later and it’s an agitatin’ fool!

    /Ca rin

  73. Amazon is building a distribution center a few towns from here.

    1.5 million square feet.

  74. When you see it, your brain turns off.

  75. *tries to imagine size of detention pond*

  76. *drinks*

  77. I have a feeling they are going to destroy the economy here. On the other hand, jobs.

  78. I have heard nothing but positive since our Amazon location opened.

  79. I thought I heard something about an Amazon distribution plant here in Texas being one of the test stores for same-day delivery.

    Given the size of Texas, I have to wonder….

  80. Speaking of Texas-sized things, we decided to take a chance and harvest the monster watermelon that’s been growing in the compost bin.

    Sucker weighs 43 pounds, and is currently taking up the entire bottom shelf of the refrigerator….

  81. So, yesterday I got a fraud alert on my debit card. Actually, there were two. One in San Antonio, TX and another 5 minutes later in Wyoming. So, I call the credit union and they ask me if I attempted those two purchases.

    I told them my Transporter was malfunctioning and I would have used the shuttle. . . that takes 25 minutes between Texas and Wyoming.

    Fucking idiots.

  82. Ha! Their grandparents would be so proud.

  83. >>Sucker weighs 43 pounds, and is currently taking up the entire bottom shelf of the refrigerator….

    if you were not ready to eat it, you could have left it on the vine.

  84. We’re going to a party tomorrow – wanted to let it chill beforehand.

    Plus, we’re not sure what the inside of it looks like, so we’ll probably cut it up ahead of time, just so we don’t embarrass ourselves….

  85. if you were not ready to eat it, you could have left it on the vine.

    Plants have feelings too, you monsters!

  86. Could be a watermelon – tomato hybrid.

    MMmmm watermato.

  87. And it could be an alien pod.

    That would be embarrassing.

  88. Actually, we have a few “squashermelons” currently growing out there – oddest thing to see a watermelon with a gooseneck….

    Oh, and Tush – thanks for the information; being first-time watermelon growers, we didn’t know that about them! We were waiting for the STEM to turn brown; there’s no telling how long the tendrils have been that way –

  89. I should be in charge of hybrid plants.

    I would cross oak and pumpkin.

    Oak trees that made pumpkins instead of acorns would be hysterical.

  90. Here ya go – Mr. TiFW will be going to see his doctor about the impending hernia on Monday:

    http://is.gd/UXQSAP

  91. TiFW, I know nothing about growing watermelons, or anything else.
    I was just wisecracking.

    Enjoy eating that mutant Tomelon.

  92. Sorry. It appears I placed a comment on the gardening blog!

  93. Hmm, pot and watermelon. Get high, and satisfy the munchies at the same time!

  94. TiFW, cut a hole in one end, upturn a bottle of cheap vodka and let it soak into the watermelon overnight.

    Judging by the size of that sucker, you’ll need two bottles.

  95. *subscribes to Alex’s boozy-fruit newsletter*

  96. The hotel just emailed to say they are now owned by muslims, and no alcohol is permitted on the premises.

  97. Stick an M-80 in each end and spread the seeds to many compost piles

  98. *sticks tongue out at The Chief*

  99. I pure hatey-hate you.

  100. Wut’d I do? ;-D

  101. That was aimed at ‘Spurt.

  102. Figured ♥

  103. Greetings, K-Mart shoppers.

  104. Blue Light Special on Diet Dr. Pepper on Aisle 7!!

  105. Must be counterfeit. There’s no period on the real thing.

  106. From the Fort Worth Star Telegram, January 16, 1911:

    http://is.gd/G22gIJ

    The more things change….

  107. Johnny Football makes his rookie preseason debut tonight.

    Browns vs Lions.

  108. Wow, that’s just slightly more meaningful an athletic contest than the deciding game in the WNBA finals.

  109. Go Loins!

  110. The jock sniffing sportscasters think it’s beyond awesome Sean.

    I’m rooting for Brian Hoyer, Browns QB who was a Patriot

  111. Is sweet corn paleo?

  112. I’m dreading the Michael Sam love fest that is going to be going on All.Season.Long.

    Honestly – we’re talking one guy out of what, around 2000? Who the hell cares? STFU and let the teams play.

  113. If he makes the team.

  114. If he doesn’t, he’ll be a broadcaster in about a week.

  115. He’s making the team. No way they can cut him. Browns/Rams would cause ESPN to implode.

  116. Hello.

  117. Speaking of gay….

    *runs far, far away*

  118. No drink of the week, MJ?

    Go fuck yourself.

  119. Finally got a decent rain. Yay. It had a bunch of hail mixed in. Some of those suckers were big. No idea how much rain, hail shattered the rain gauge. Hopefully it will keep on coming.

  120. YOU WILL CELEBRATE MICHAEL SAM AND HIS BOYFRIEND AND THEIR HEROIC CONTRIBUTION TO SPORTS AND/OR SOCIAL JUSTICE

  121. Excellent news, pepe!

  122. One of the known side effects of one of the meds that I am on for this abscess is “ruptured Achilles tendon” – it’s SO well known that my doctor specifically mentioned it to me. WTF?!?!?!?!?

    So now, every time my AT bothers me, I start getting spooked.

    Hope Mr. TiFW doesn’t have to put me down…..

  123. Hi MJ!

  124. Yikes, TiF… Levaquin or Cipro? (my mom took those and got the warnings)

  125. TiFW,
    I posted that here when I was taking Cipro for my Epididymitis.
    The data-sheet made it sound like fun.
    Something like:
    “If you snap your Achilles tendon and fall. Call your doctor…”

  126. *fucks self

    Hi Cyn.

  127. When Nancy Pelosi dies, will there be an O “bitch” uary?

    Sorry, weird shit runs through my mind, sometimes it leaks out.

  128. MJ, I really was hoping for a DoTW.

  129. Hope Mr. TiFW doesn’t have to put me down…..

    Heh. I was just picturing him carrying you around everywhere.

  130. DotW we already decided needed to be called the H2 Anger Management Puppet (H2AMP). I was hoping it would have a Goldschläger hint to it.

  131. Hey xbrad. I’m only doing it when the show is on.

    I’ve only been home 3 days in 3 weeks!

  132. I bet Face Ripper really needs to poop pretty badly at this point.

  133. HAHAHAHA.

    Actually GND is watching her for the next few months. It was getting expensive and difficult to leave her at the dog sitter’s house.

  134. Ahhhh, so the pink TITS boyshorts was a pre-payment for watching Ripper. Good call.

  135. Pretty much.

  136. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnfVHa_b2zQ

  137. MJ has a boat? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMTW227CfSg

  138. Cyn, I’m on Levaquin. The whole Cipro class of meds are “use with extreme caution” for MG patients on top of that. I can feel the effects from it, but they’re bearable; just have to be more of a living paperweight than normal….

  139. MJ,
    Why you being on the road so much?
    Next thing you know, you’ll be living out of a suitcase like Sox.
    Do you know Sox, or was that before your time?
    (Sox is Xbrads cat, who works for CAT.)

  140. Sean, when we finally meet in PHX, you’re gonna laugh and laugh at the thought of Mr. TiFW carrying me anywhere :-)

  141. Did anybody try to patiently explain to anybody else why their latest “million dollar idea” was completely unfeasible today?

  142. Here’s an example of some good parenting

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2u4cGyTcsGk

  143. I can’t wait until all the little bastards are back in school. Lots of good parenting, as seen in Scott’s video. I personally enjoy all the little shoplifter wannabes. Nothing like seeing Gramma stealing fruit and grazing produce.

  144. I just got an e-mail from the TITS hotel saying that they are going 100% LGBT-friendly.

    So I guess we’re still good.

  145. It’s a trick. ISIS took the hotel on Friday.

  146. *packs burqa*

  147. Surprisingly, the Hostage kids I’ve met have been quite nice.

  148. >>>It’s a trick. ISIS took the hotel on Friday.

    As long as they don’t close the pool, we’re good.

  149. *packs burkini*

  150. You people have kids!?

  151. Hostage kids have Hostages for parents. The sarcasm levels were probably well establish early.

  152. ESTABLISHED!!!! AUGH!!!

  153. My dogs are assholes.

  154. Hey leon, really worked out the lower body this week, and I’m still sore 2 days later. Anything I can do about that?

  155. Don’t forget the punability, oso.

  156. Tequila shots are good for that, Jay.

  157. The Captain will be working his magic later.

  158. Your prostate is probably injured, Jay. Take one or two bullwhips out of your ass and try to get a good night’s sleep.

  159. What should he do about the other four?

  160. Puns. You people with your word games are twisted.

  161. 5. I’m an overachiever.

    *shifts weight

  162. Watching The Hunger Games. Pretty good so far.

  163. I have really underestimated how good an actress Jennifer Lawrence is. Very impressed with the movies I’ve seen.

  164. The second HG movie is out too; possibly better than the first.

  165. I really like her as Mystique.

  166. I’m gonna watch that next, Cyn. If I like this one.

    So far it’s not Twilight bad.

  167. I’m deeply impressed with how cute J-Law is.

  168. 2nd movie is always better!!!! (Maybe that’s just Empire Strikes Back)

  169. J’ames, they are very entertaining.

  170. Low-carbing, so I’ve been getting myself some special treats to beat the blues, like Ba-Tampte half-sour pickles, that I spied on the last grocery trip and hadn’t thought about for ages.

    I can’t believe it has been so long since I’ve eaten these. Mom used to get these for us as treats when we were kids.

    People, get yourself some gooood Jewish deli half-sour pickles in a big old jar with floating chunks of garlic in there.

    DAMN.

    I mean, DAMN. This is good snackin’.

  171. 2nd movie is always better!!!! (Maybe that’s just Empire Strikes Back)

    Nevarrrrrrrrrr!

  172. Highlander 2: The Proof that Oso is Wrong™

  173. 2nd movie is always better!!!! (Maybe that’s just Empire Strikes Back)

    Also true of The Godfather and the Christopher Nolan Batman flicks.

  174. Wow, the beginning meeting looks like a DNC meeting!

  175. Did you like Batman Begins, Sean? I thought it was really good, and it’s amazing that The Dark Knight was even better.

  176. Hey leon, really worked out the lower body this week, and I’m still sore 2 days later. Anything I can do about that?

    I’m not leon, but yes:

    You can try to not be over the age of 38. Because over the age of 38, it takes you two days to get really sore after a workout.

    Fuck you,

    -Life ;(

  177. Haha, guess I’m ahead of the curve, since I was sore yesterday, too.

    (last week of the 40s)

  178. I’m making low-carb candy tomorrow. I’ve got chopped walnuts and macadamias to add this time. I’m thinking I might want to get some bar molds rather than just the cup molds I’ve been using.

  179. I loved Batman Begins, J’Ames. And then The Dark Knight was totally like Empire in surpassing the first one. And then there were all the Ewoks in The Dark Knight Rises.

    *shakes head*

    What the fuck, Nolan?

  180. Amen, Sean M. But at least we got to watch Anne Hathaway run around in a catsuit.

  181. Here’s the deal about Highlander 2, the whole point of the first movie was “There can be only one!!!” H2 was doomed from the start.

  182. Godfather 3. Drops mic

  183. >>>Ba-Tampte half-sour pickles,

    Best. Pickles. Ever.

  184. She seems nice…

    http://tinyurl.com/kref7cb

  185. I just got an e-mail from the TITS hotel saying that they are going to be hosting Obama that weekend while he golfs nearby.

  186. *high-fives Wiserbud*

    Seriously. That good.

  187. *adds Roamy to the list to give to the hotel for the crappiest rooms*

  188. Thanks, guys. I’d never heard of them. Dan is on a mission.

  189. *starts molding plastique into cute little animal figures for TITS meat-up*

  190. I took the kids to the county fair.
    I may have eaten two teaspoons of icecream, and taken a tiny bite out of a pizza.

  191. I hope you feel guilty, Tushar.

  192. What are county fairs like in a non-agricultural state?

  193. Garbage sculptures and Camaro rodeos.

  194. *adds Roamy to the list to give to the hotel for the crappiest rooms*

    The one with the light under the door?

  195. Hey all, what’s happening.

  196. Jay, there was a livestock area, but the kids were too tired, so we turned back.

  197. Hi Jenn! We are speculating on what fresh horrors Tushar saw at the fair today.

    And gardening and exercise.

  198. TiFW, I know this is kind of late, but…Levaquin is also on the no-go list for MG.

  199. Well I don’t garden but I dolove the people of Walmart and thats pretty close to fair-goers :-) so I guess I could join in.

  200. I thought NJ was The Garden State. I think The Boss and Bon Jovi are “Farmers”

  201. Comment by leoncaruthers on August 9, 2014 10:30 pm
    You people have kids!?

    I do. Not my own, but hostage children.

    They make wallets.

  202. I do. Not my own, but hostage children.

    They make wallets.

    I was going to say only the ones I can lure into my van, but yours is funnier.

  203. Do we have a Hostage Children’s blog?

  204. I make wallets out of kids.

  205. I don’t believe you xbrad

  206. http://weirdnj.com/tag/human-skin-wallets/

  207. That sounds like something out of that stupid Chevy Chase movie where the get lost in some backwoods part of NJ and Dan Ackroyd is a Judge who feeds criminals into a wood chipper

  208. It’s Jersey. That was a documentary.

  209. So, after a long career of performing circumcisions, a mohel decides to retire. He has kept all of the foreskins he’s cut off in a jar full of formaldehyde, and he decides it would be a shame to throw them out, so he takes them to a shop that specializes in custom-made leather goods and asks the proprietor if he can make anything out of all the small pieces of skin in the big jar.

    “Did you have anything specific in mind?” asks the proprietor.

    “I suppose not,” sez the mohel, “You could maybe surprise me.”

    “I think I can make something for you. Come back in a week,” the shopkeeper replies.

    A week passes, and the mohel returns. The leather shop proprietor goes into the back of the shop and returns with a flesh-colored wallet. The mohel is aghast.

    “A farkakte wallet is all you’ve made for me? But there were fifty years of foreskins in that jar!” he yells.

    “Relax,” says the proprietor, “if you rub it for a minute, it turns into a briefcase.”

  210. OK, Sean was funnier than me.

  211. Alice, yeah – my doctor called my neurologist, who didn’t get back to her before she felt like she had to call in the prescription.

    Unfortunately, my white blood cell count was so high – as in, if it hadn’t been for the presence of that lump, my doctor was thinking my next step was going to be seeing an oncologist – that it was decided to start on it to get those levels down ASAP.

    So far, the MG hasn’t been much worse than usual; we’ll see what happens.

    Thanks for worrying about me, though!

  212. You can never go wrong with a child slavery joke.

  213. It’s in the papers
    It’s on your TV news
    The application
    It’s just a derp of view

  214. Morning, children.

  215. MJ,
    Why you being on the road so much?
    Next thing you know, you’ll be living out of a suitcase like Sox.
    Do you know Sox, or was that before your time?
    (Sox is Xbrads cat, who works for CAT.)
    —————————–
    Fell asleep. Sorry Chripsy.

    Two and a half weeks in Boca Raton for work, then Tampa to deliver Face Ripper to girlfriend for a few months… Chicago, KC, Detroit, Tampa, West Palm, DC, Baltimore, Roanoke, Miami, Phoenix, San Fran, Atlanta, Memphis, and Germany.

    It’s 99% for work.

  216. New post.


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