Boy, did I get a lot of hatey email about MJ’s BBF last week. You’d have thought he posted a nude Kerry Marie eating in an oversized bucket of KFC chicken (though that may have been better). Thank God we’ll never know ‘cuz *points thumbs at chest* I got this.
I offer to you today a few lovelies of the Martina variety, none of which are of the Navrátilová ilk, and by ilk I mean homely as fuck. Now, enjoy some music heathen. Oh, and the chicks in the video–all named Martina. True story.
Now onto our feature presentation, Miss Martina Warren
Martina began her modeling career at the age of 3 and moved to California from England to further her modeling (read “waitressing”) career. She was eventually discovered and became Penthouse Pet of the Year 2005. She’s been photographed by some of the best who know how to set their lenses to 34C-24-34 for the best shots.
Here’s a few more photos that she personally emailed to me to share with you, but first, fuck this learning shit and check out your horoscope for today! These are real; toats, I swear.
|Aries||Mar 21-Apr 19||You love to remember how things used to be. Suck it up, buttercup; it is what it is, start drinking because you can’t do a goddamned thing about it.|
|Taurus||Apr 20-May 20||Stop thinking about the good old days, you old fuck; they were not all that good anyways. If you think that the best years are gone, then you are not wrong – STFU and deal with it.|
|Gemini||May 21-Jun 21||This is an excellent time to find a job if you don’t live in the United States. If the work you’re doing now does not make you happy, you may want to consider hooking or becoming a stunt cock.|
|Cancer||Jun 22-Jul 22||You are currently in a romantic relationship and may need to refocus on the future. List your partner’s hopes & dreams and then kiss your ass good-bye because anything you may want ain’t gonna happen.|
|Leo||Jul 23-Aug 22||You have an old love enter your life today, and the news they give you about that STD is not good. Romantic love is not all it is cracked up to be which is why you should always stick with a pro for your personal servicing needs.|
|Virgo||Aug 23-Sep 22||If you’re looking for a way to invest money, you need to pay attention to things retro, like plastics. If you have something hidden away that may bring money, for the love of god keep it hidden or the IRS will surely find a way to fuck you out of it.|
|Libra||Sep 23-Oct 23||You may find that money comes to you today from a very unexpected source. It may not be a huge windfall but it will make a difference to your bookie who’s been patiently waiting to break your legs.|
|Scorpio||Oct 24-Nov 21||If you are experiencing health problems, go to the doctor because it’s probably prostate cancer. You may only need a good blow job, but don’t neglect any possibility that it’s still prostate cancer.|
|Sagittarius||Nov 22-Dec 21||Finances are always a bit difficult the first couple months of the year, so quit being a dumbass at Christmas even though you’ll still never pay it all off. Take your work bonus in the form or meth or ammo and your future is promising.|
|Capricorn||Dec 22-Jan 19||You may have a very pleasant day today. You have literally drawn the wish card and it means that what you are dreaming about is going to be yours. Bwahahahaha, yeah right; now get your ass back to work, slacker.|
|Aquarius||Jan 20-Feb 18||Things are looking up today. Make a point to stop and think about what you want to do in your life. You will be pleasantly surprised at how quickly your dreams to become a pro wrestler will manifest.|
|Pisces||Feb 19-Mar 20||You will suddenly come to the realization today that you have deep fulfillment in your work as a fluffer. You are highly loyal and looking for those to be loyal back to you; don’t count on it.|
I get to meat a Hostage this weekend!!! What are your plans? Really?! Oh, that’s nice.
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