Why Is English One Of The Languages With A Word For “Goodbye”?

Allen Klein said “Humor does not diminish the pain—it makes the space around it get bigger.”

Allen must have known our friend Rosetta, who was taken from us at far too young an age by the first known transmission of plant-to-human potato blight.

From an early age, Rosetta knew the kind of emotional pain that many are fortunate not to experience until later in life.  When he was 7, his parents allowed him to be kidnapped by cast members of “Up With People” when the show passed through his home town, or so he thought.  As it turned out, they actually sold him to the producer of the travelling production, although he did not find this out until later in life when he had a chance meeting with his brother in a latex fetish store that he had wandered into seeking a neon pink hosenphucker suit.  He was soon reunited with his parents, who were impressed that his fetishes had exceeded even their own in terms of their weirdness.

Those early years in the theatre made an impression on our young friend, as did the straps and leather ties used on him by his “uncles and aunts” as soon as he was old enough to drive the touring company bus.  While he never liked to talk much about those formative years, they did nothing to reduce the sensitivity of young Rosetta, whose overriding love of show tunes (especially the score from “Paint Your Wagon“) was only surpassed by his fascination with latex clothing and the myriad of colors and styles that were introduced at the annual Latex Fashions Show in Berlin.

When Rosetta left the travelling theatre company to put down roots and attend community college, he soon realized that his upbringing was anything but average.  He excelled at his studies, having trained himself five years earlier to get by on only an hour of sleep a night.  While his perspective was not often appreciated by the more serious people surrounding him, others quickly came to realize that he was a funny mofo, and he quickly drew a following that was willing to overlook his personality quirks and Howard Keel-esque voice belting out famous show tunes through the dorm hallways after the local bars had closed.  Not a few of his fellow students also came to resent his easy wit and ability to charm the pants off of their girlfriends…literally.

By his senior year in college, Rosetta believed he had no skills to speak of and thought his prospects to be dim.  Over a pitcher of caiphurnias, a friend convinced him that while no one would ever be looking to him for the next great mathematical equation, the grand unified theory of physics, or the next great novel that high school students around the country would someday be forced to read, it didn’t matter, because he was a funny mofo, and if he used it to his advantage, he could be richer than all those other guys.  Realizing that the charm he used to talk comely co-eds out of their frilly panties and bras was the same charm that could sell Eskimos ice futures and politicians shares in wind farms,  he went into financial services, and never looked back, proving George Herbert‘s apt observation, “In conversation, humor is worth more than wit, and easiness more than knowledge.”

Although he managed to turn laughter into conquests, he eventually met a beautiful woman who left him hopelessly smitten.  He tempered his charm with heartfelt sincerity, and she was impressed beyond any words other than “I do.”  However, he never stopped appreciating the variations on beauty that surrounded him, and never lost the appreciation for a great set of overstuffed boobs that was taught to him by the jaded old queers in the travelling theatre company.  When he saw his first picture of Kerry Marie, devouring an all-you-can eat Chinese Buffet, by herself, he began a lifelong infatuation, marked by photos of the buxom lass in numerous cheeseburger and pizza stalking positions, leaving him the exquisite torment of a fixation that could never be requited, but could at least be calmed by an annual subscription to her website, a CD with a copy of Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls on a continuous loop, and the ability to add her in a BBF post every few months, so he could read Wiserbud complaining about how much fatter she was in the newest post than in the last BBF post he included her in.

Rosetta drew many people, regulars and lurkers, to the Hostages, mostly because he could make anything into a joke.  People stayed because Rosetta’s jokes and gags helped so many to cope with personal tragedies and setbacks, as well as a world that brought fresh news daily about how it chose in large and small ways to abandon reason, and make the absurd the new normal.  Another friend of mine once remarked that it is a very angsty place.  But it was also a place he helped to make a home. Whether he was blaming Mare, or explaining how he had decided to declare himself a racist because a teacher had decided to be a douchebag to a politically aware young lady who had the temerity to wear a t-shirt that offended the politically correct teacher’s sensibilities, he was finding ways to tailor humor into a universal language that made you laugh and made you cheer as he poked the finger into the eyes of those who wanted to suck the joy out of life for others around them.  This bald, grinning man displayed one of the kindest souls I have ever encountered, and understood better than most the power of the tongue

He never used it to build up, but he also never used it to tear down, which is a remarkable thing.  He was a rare man.  One who understood this great power, and could have used it himself to great effect, but chose instead to use it to help people to forget, or at least take refuge, if only for a few moments, from those things which they could not forget.  I believe that this was because he knew all too well about the sorrows that life could inflict upon the human condition, and generously gave of himself that which he wanted most for himself…to feel the stings of life neutralized by the healing joy of laughter.  This is why he could touch so many people in ways that left them wanting more, instead of wanting to press charges.

When I read the account of the birth of his and his wife’s son Max, I cried. 

In a profession that necessarily robs you of your humanity, just so you can keep other people’s secrets, and bring order to the dysfunction of their lives, I never thought that I would be able to be moved by someone’s story that way.  But that was our friend and brother’s greatest gift.  To remind us that our experiences shape our souls, but our character defines who we are, and I fear that I could never face the same thing in my life without letting the pain twist my soul and saturate it with a bitterness that would contaminate everything about me.  I think of the things that so many of us carry around, and I think this is a confirmation of the old bromide that “God never gives us more than we can handle.”  Rosetta had so much love to share with children that the loss of one couldn’t change who he was; there was so much love that flowed out of him like a river that it couldn’t change him.  And when his son Henry was born, we saw the light that Rosetta carried around shined even brighter.

Even if I could, I wouldn’t ask God to bring our friend back to us; Max waited patiently for his time with Daddy, and even someone as jaded as myself isn’t that selfish or cruel.  My request is for the next best thing:

That God never lets his words lose their power to touch us. 

 Those words, with our memories, are the legacy that he left for us.  And if we cannot enjoy his company any longer, then those words, and the laugher they draw out of us should be sufficient to take some of the sting out of the tears that we shed today at the loss of our friend, who understood what Sir Francis Bacon knew when he said “Imagination was given to man to compensate for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.”

“Goodbye” is uttered too often by grieving people at their loved ones’ funerals.  Rosetta and I shared the belief that shuffling off the moral coil is only the beginning.  Therefore I will only say “Expect us when you see us, man-lesbian.  Until then, keep the indians cold, and give Max a kiss for us.”

64 Comments

  1. Latex, Kerry Marie, raaaaacism, indians, and show tunes. You covered Rosetta’s life very well, hahahahahahaha.

  2. I read 1/2 of the title of this poat and knew who the author was.

  3. Rosie, we hardly knew ye.

  4. They want you to buy the whole suit.

    Can’t get them that way either – at least, not by Monday for a price I’m willing to pay. (I need them by Monday for Aaron’s Halloween costume. He’s going to be Baby Dr. McCoy. Got the uniform already, thanks to Teresa, and I have a communicator somewhere, but he needs pants. I wouldn’t have put it off this long if I’d known that they were so hard to find – I figured I could find some cheap at walmart or target. But no. My walmart didn’t have any baby clothes smaller than 18 months at all.)

    Thanks, carin…but unfortunately, Aaron would be out of uniform if he had those designs on his pants…

  5. Potato blight? Sounds painful.

  6. I need to go to work, but I’m moving slooooow. Someone sneak decaf into my cup?

  7. A depantsed Dr McCoy is not a bad idea either.

  8. You could always dye a pair of cheap pants.

  9. Or, you could paint his legs black.

    Think outside of the box, peel. You’re a mom now.

    I’m sure Peej and I could be a wealth of helpful information like this.

  10. ♫The best part of waking up, is decaf in your cup♫

    Yeah, doesn’t have the same ring to it.

  11. this is the first poat I have read today.

    film at 11.

  12. Biw, you left the part out about how Rosie used roofies to get his wife. I suppose in a eulogy you want to gloss over stuff like that?

  13. Captain: Bones! What are you doing crawling around in your diapers? And is that a bug you are chewing on?

    Dr: he is dead, Jim.

  14. My walmart didn’t have any baby clothes smaller than 18 months at all.

    That makes no sense, unless my ex-SIL had been there.

    Now I can believe they wouldn’t have anything other than pastels.

    The one here has a display of Hanes sweatpants and sweatshirts from 3 months up to 4T.

  15. I would hit babies R us and Sears too.

  16. Good morning cool kids.

  17. Good morning, Cyn.

    Y’all have a good day.

  18. You left out the part where he turned lesbian. I suppose it no longer matters since he croaked anyway.

  19. Howdy Roamsies! You too have a good day!

  20. It should take ten minutes to make a little pair of baby pants out of jersey material. It’s pretty cheap stuff from the fabric store, too. 1/4 yard oughta be more than enough.

  21. And very nice job BiW! Kind of sad how you turned into a sentimental homo in the second half, but can’t say it was unexpected.

  22. I liked the paint his legs black idea.

  23. I gave this eulogy a thumbs up!

    Up With People……..hahahaha…one of Rosetta’s favorite targets.

  24. MARE! What kind of salad dressing did you drink w/your breakfast this morning?

  25. It was salsa….I had huevos rancheros for breakfast!

    Delicious!

  26. This is a great start, Blackie, When do you plan on posting the next 5 parts?

  27. The young lady says “Because he’s on TV every day…”.
    Is he really? I can only get Rush’s radio show. Did I miss something or is the young lady just high? What a cunning stunt!

    They just repeat what they hear. As is said later in the comments, not many of these people have ever listened to Rush, or watched Fox News. They just “know”.

  28. MJ, I hope you’re feeling better:

    http://tinyurl.com/3k2t4g5

  29. NYPost (Frank J): Why we must lose the darn 1 percent

    Read the comments, the first one misses the satire, right out of the block!

  30. aaaaaaaand… finished…

    *whew that was a long post.

  31. And very nice job BiW! Kind of sad how you turned into a sentimental homo in the second half, but can’t say it was unexpected.

    Thanks. You’re my target demographic.

    This is a great start, Blackie, When do you plan on posting the next 5 parts?

    I’m gonna offer them as pay-per-view installments on GBTV.

    I only get 1% of the take, but if I’m REALLY lucky, I might be able to take my earmings and buy a packet of artificial sweetener from the complimentary caddy on the counter at the diner.

  32. aaaaaaaand… finished…

    *whew that was a long post.

    – – – – –

    don’t spoil it for us slow readers!

  33. *cracks knuckles*

    http://is.gd/2O1UBw

  34. Laura, are you not playing? Didn’t see the news of your sad demise yet.

  35. I’m doing my death report next, Tushar. Don’t know who’s job it was to eulogize me.

  36. Long story short………Rosetta’s a stump-humper.

  37. Hah! Awesome TiDE.

  38. Good one, Teresa.

    Stupid OWS, they don’t know where the real inequities can be found.

  39. Heh: Neptunus Lex: Karma

  40. So, the Kool Aid is blue then.

  41. Store record for most useless time-wasting phone calls being broken today.

  42. Anyone who doesn’t think that the public employee unions should be outlawed entirely needs to read this:

    Local cop (son of the chief of police) is under investigation for brutality. Actual brutality is on videotape, and is pretty damning. Regardless, cop is assigned to desk duty while investigation is on-going.

    Evan Cossette , son of Police Chief Jeffry Cossette and the officer at the center of allegations of brutality and nepotism in the department, has earned $962.80 per week in overtime pay since he was placed on administrative duty

    Overtime pay? How am that possible if he’s just assigned to desk duty?

    Cossette , 24, doesn’t work extra shifts while on desk duty, but the police union contract stipulates that he be paid the weekly average of his previous 26 weeks of overtime earnings,

    ah.

    In total, Evan Cossette ‘s earnings would amount to more than $116,000 per year.

    While under investigation for police brutality. That has already cost the city nearly $40 in legal expenses.

    Well, at least the union leaders have a good reason for this:

    Detective Michael Siegler, the police union president, said Evan Cossette has been helping with the police radio system upgrade. He said other officers are taking the overtime shifts Cossette would have worked, and that most are “easy to fill.” He added that Cossette was eligible for overtime pay because he received desk duty for a work-related incident, whereas “(i)f someone is accused of domestic violence or arrested for dui (driving under the influence), they would not get overtime,” Siegler said in an e-mail.

    Hey public unions?

    FUCK YOU, YOU LEECHES!

    http://tinyurl.com/5r6h53g

  43. Consequences are for peasants.

  44. “Hey public unions?
    FUCK YOU, YOU LEECHES!”

    AMEN!

  45. That’s insane wiser.

  46. OWS Quiz: Who’s more dangerous? Rush or al Qaeda?

    It depends on whether you’re a parasite or a host.

  47. What’s really incredible to me about that story ids, why the fuck is he making more in overtime pay than he is in regular pay?

    I’m sure it’s because he’s getting paid time and a half or maybe even double-time.

    How about we eliminate overtime altogether and if we need more cops, hire more cops and pay them regular pay, as opposed to shoveling overtime to the existing cops?

  48. See, now, there you go thinking logically again.

  49. oh, and he wouldn’t be eligible for this overtime pay if he did something wrong in his personal life, but since he did something wrong on his job, he is??

    WTF?!?!?

  50. Their average pay over the last 5 years of their working life is how their pension is based. I know they do that with teachers.

    So crank up the overtime and you crank up your pension.

  51. Imagine who caved to what during those union negotiations…it’s insane.

  52. Just a sample (read the police report) of what goes on at these freak shows:

    http://www.punditpress.com/2011/10/occupy-portland-crime-infested-cesspool.html

  53. Its the predictable result for a system that allows you to help your “boss” to get the job, and then once he does, the two of you get to sit down and work out your pay, with the understanding that neither one of you are ‘resposible” for coming up with that compensation.

  54. NYC toll-takers have their pensions based on their last 12 months pay. So they all work triple-time for the last 12 months on the job and retire with a $100k+ a year pension.

    Everyone in the system knows this and no one does anything about it.

    Fucking scum, the lot of them.

  55. I had been wondering about this when I first heard about it 2 weeks ago. It’s not too long but capitalists win so it might be a pick me up:

    http://neveryetmelted.com/2011/10/23/lefts-lech-walesa-scam-foiled/

  56. Is anyone else seeing the smilies at the top of the blog?

  57. “These young people also suffer from a vast intellectual and moral poverty. One of the things that shines through when we interview the people taking to the streets is that so many are woefully ignorant, and that they wallow in a sea of relativism that allows for no morality other than that gained by intense navel gazing. They are the antithesis of the original American revolutionaries, whose leaders were men of exceptional erudition and thoughtfulness, and whose followers knew at the very least their Bible and Pilgrim’s Progress. Revolutionaries of old were shaped by philosophy, known science, literature, practical life experience, and a deep sense of morality and justice. Today’s little park piddlers are shaped by an aching sense of unfairness, a terrible fear of human-kind (that would be the AGW shtick), and a morality shaped by Oprah and whichever fabulously rich Hollywood Leftist happens to grab the microphone on any given day.”

    http://pjmedia.com/tatler/2011/10/23/is-it-true-that-the-poor-ye-always-have-with-you/

  58. No, what drugs do I need to see the smilies?

  59. Yay, Diaper Need Awareness Day in CT on Rush now!

    Congrats, CT Hostages, nee NE Cabal.

  60. Um, no smilies here.

  61. “Next debate is CNBC Nov. 9th…”

    Republicans are retarded.

  62. HA! Jay are you listening to the Carter recording that Obama is copying almost exactly? IDIOTS.

  63. New Poat Is Up


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