We All Saw It Coming, Really

Shady Emjay Trigga, known to his fakey internet friends simply as ‘MJ,’ passed away unexpectedly but hilariously last Saturday while attempting to balance a chicken wing on an alligator’s face. For some unknown reason. Which is emblematic of how he lived his life.
It is unfortunate that most of us know nothing of his childhood. Because I bet there’s some really messed up stories there. Or at least an explanation, for God’s sake. As it is, we must review his life as we found it.

MJ was something of a Renaissance man and investigated a wide variety of personal interests and hobbies; from beer, to foreign beer. From vodka, to flavored vodkas. From lime daiquiris, to poisonous mushrooms laced with Gila Monster venom.
Despite his feminine slouch, multitude of animal ‘friends,’ and 46 white belts, MJ chose to spend his life with a female of his own species. His lovely wife, let’s call her Kate, wants everyone to know today as we say goodbye to her beloved and irreplaceable husband, that she has decided to go with match.com over eharmony.

Thank you, Kate. Take your time, everybody.
*pauses for applause to die down and for people to finish making notes in their devices*
Let us recall together the many fine qualities possessed by MJ, as well as his delightful peculiarities.

On to the peculiarities, then.

…who can forget MJ’s constant paranoid insistence that his left big toe was “questioning his sincerity?”

Or his abiding interest in improbably-shaped Asian women?

And how he always smelled like freshly turned soil after a Summer rain?

Or the time his left big toe went missing and he would not tell us what happened, and he refused to go to the hospital because he didn’t want to “…give that bastard the satisfaction.”
Oh, what a party that night! I don’t think any of us could stop laughing.

Remember? Because MJ had put hallucinogenic toads in the vodka and we all thought we were talking to that trash-talking left toe of his. Who was a riot and the life of the party, by the way, for those who missed it.

….we named him Jammy T, and he cracked the dirtiest jokes…(wells up in tears)…I really miss that guy the most. I can’t believe fuckin’ MJ cut him off and threw him in the woods. But JT seemed okay with it, you know? And such a dapper little fellow too, with his tiny top hat, monocle, cane and spats, it was so…wait. No, that’s Mr. Peanut. Sorry. That was another party.

But man, all of us just lying around overdosed on the deck, talking to an invisible wisecrackin’ big toe with a Heart Of Gold. So awesome. We were sick for days. That happened a lot where MJ was involved.

…but back to MJ, man, what a guy. We will never, ever, ever forget him. No, this person is someone you need a combination of hypnotism, electroshock, and powerful personality-altering drugs to rid yourself of, according to Doctor Richard Fallis, 755 Magnolia. He’s in the book.

One more: how about that FIRST time he balanced a chicken wing on an alligator and barely escaped alive, and we were all laughing and saying how he could never do that again if he tr

Oh. OH. Uh.

Listen. That was not our fault.

52 Comments

  1. HAHAHAHA! Well done Miss Laura!!!

    *wipes away laughing tears*

  2. MJ would totally do that.

  3. HA! “wide variety of personal interests.”

    Oh and my rap name is, Mare Easy E Sauce.

  4. Richard Fallis, isn’t he a baseball player?

  5. that she has decided to go with match.com over eharmony.

    Hahahahahahaha

    I’m totally dying here.

  6. So, did Jammy T die with MJ? The eulogy isn’t clear on that.

  7. *pauses for applause to die down and for people to finish making notes in their devices*

    How do I make notes in this device when the dildo only has a switch and not a keyboard?

  8. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    I remember that night so well.

    stoopid MJ….

  9. And how he always smelled like freshly turned soil after a Summer rain?

    Peculiarity? I totally liked that about him.

    It always made me think about how calm and quiet it is when I drive out to the woods to bury the bod…

    *clears throat*

    When I go for hikes, I mean.

  10. I think it has handwriting recognition, so you only have to stroke it.

  11. Awesome! My Rap Name = Jelly Jay A a.k.a. Puff Tickle

  12. I think it has handwriting recognition, so you only have to stroke it.

    Thanks. I’m just afraid of it making a lot of noise, and Car in deciding to hurt me because I stole it when she wasn’t looking to put under the Chief’s scooter.

    I really need to get a smarterer phone…

  13. my rapname is W Thug.

    lazy rap name generator piece of crap

  14. but if I put in wiser as the forst name and B as the last initial, I become:

    Mighty Gangsta Wiser W Soul

    That’s right, my bitches. It’s the Mighty Gangsta Wiser W Soul all up in you face…..

  15. How did I get the good fortune of being picked by lauraw? Drugs. Thats how.

    *slides 8 ball under portcullis

  16. “Easy Cyn a.k.a. Lady Bomb”

    I’m not sure I like that generator much.

  17. *slides 8 ball under portcullis

    How did you cross the moat?

  18. Ooo… much better: “Cyn C Foxy”

    *makes that 70’s funky porn sound*

  19. We were promised interpretive dance.

    We wuz robbed.

  20. Hahahahahaha

    What a fucking putz.

    http://tinyurl.com/6gbavw5

  21. Oh man I remember thinking that night, “dude, you just cut off your big toe”.

    I had never seen that before.

  22. “Easy Cyn…”

    Wow, that rap-name generator is really good.

    Show of hands, who here is surprised by this?

  23. Link fubar’d, Hotspur.

  24. Try this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieeNvciXULM

  25. How did you cross the moat?
    —————-
    I know an alligator.

  26. Here’s a cool thing about HotBride’s inn. The woman in the video is not HotBride.

  27. Awesome. May MJ’s soul roast rest in peace.

  28. I’m going to not miss MJ most of all.

  29. alligator and barely escaped alive, and we were all laughing and saying how he could never do that again if he tr

    Oh. OH. Uh.

    Does Wiser have to pay up ? Really, technically since he lost the bet, MJ’s estate owes Wiser the $20. Right?

    Someone tell “Kate”.

  30. Try this:


    I’m glad he told us it was a video message. Otherwise, I might have mistaken it for the latest Justin Beiber song.

    I predict that he’ll be voted “Most Popular” on his cell block, and that he’ll love prison because it will be the first time in his life that he doesn’t sleep alone.

    Also, he needs to ask his Mom again if she’ll put better lighting in the basement.

  31. You can keep the same name in there and hit refresh and it will keep producing new rap names until you like one.

  32. I’m glad MJ got a funny eulogy.

    He never managed to write anything funny, and won’t be missed.

  33. The douchiness of the comments on this thread is only exceeded by that of the commentators.

  34. I have the feeling I’m missing a lot with this post. Oh well, nice work anyway, lauraw, and nice work, BiW.

    I’m up at 5 (really 4). I’ll be interested to see what people think.

  35. Does Wiser have to pay up ? Really, technically since he lost the bet, MJ’s estate owes Wiser the $20. Right?

    I’ll add him to the list of people who owe me $20.

    Right, Michael?

  36. $20? No way.

  37. Wiser, you bastard, I earned that $20 fair and square. Not my fault that your timing was off.

  38. Wiser, you bastard, I earned that $20 fair and square.

    considering your profession, yeah, I bet you do consider how you earned that $20 to be fair and square…

    My mistake for thinking there might be something a lawyer wouldn’t do for money

  39. My mistake for thinking there might be something a lawyer wouldn’t do for money

    HAHAHAHAHA! You’re kidding, right?

  40. HAHAHAHAHA! You’re kidding, right?

    See, I am still a young idealist who assumes the best in people…..

  41. and nice work, BiW

    Thank you.

    *puts Mrs. Peel on Christmas Card list*

  42. See, I am still a young idealist who assumes the best in people…..

    Oh puhleeze — you have sold software.

    Most. Cynical. People. On. Earth.

  43. Cynical Solutions™

  44. Most. Cynical. People. On. Earth.

    Look, if you just purchase this simple upgrade, I guarantee you it will solve all of your system problems…

  45. http://tinyurl.com/3uvrjyx

  46. *Puts Brad on the “Kill Last” list.*

  47. xBrad, you have to return the dick slipers now that it isn’t your birthday anymore.

  48. I don!t know who Peter Schiff is, but he has balls of steel and a total lack of aversion to filth
    http://hotair.com/archives/2011/10/26/fun-peter-schiff-confronts-occupy-wall-street-protesters/

  49. Multiple sources said NYCC is also using cash donations through canvassing efforts in New York’s Harlem and Washington Heights neighborhoods for union-backed campaigns to fund the Wall Street protests…

    I’m reminded of the part of Sign In Stranger where Fagen sings “…walk around collecting Turkish Union dues…”

  50. Schiff ran for Dodd’s CT seat (that Blumenthal won) last year against Linda McMahon.

  51. Now, I remember. Linda McMahon was that Wrestling executive of some sort. Damn, this guy should have won.

  52. Look, if you just purchase this simple upgrade, I guarantee you it will solve all of your system problems…

    :)

    You actually solve system problems by putting a sledge hammer to the servers and starting over.


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